# Fruitcake Depository **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 27, 2000, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811 "2000-11-27T01:01:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/1 "2000-11-27T01:01:37Z")
Inspiration for this thread comes from Dire Wolf In the Tacky Christmas Gift Swap Party thread here [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=48039](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=48039) If Any of you Dopers should recieve an unwanted Fruitcake as a gift this holiday season, And you have no place to dispose of it, I am here to save your day. Post here as an RSVP, and e-mail me when you recieve the horrid thing. I happen to love them, the nastier the better. And no I am not trying to build a house, ot armor my car with them, I plan on eating them all. (Good thing they will last me for years to come.) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/2 "2000-11-27T01:22:02Z")
Maybe I’m nutty as a fruitcake, but I like the bloody things. (Hmmm… I wonder how it would taste if I were to marinate it in a nice Irish whisky?) ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/3 "2000-11-27T01:28:06Z")
I’ve already received one. On Thanksgiving day. Contact me. You are wonderful for your willingness to ‘adopt’ all those unloved orphans at this festive season. **fnord1966** - Savior (Savor?) of Fruitcakes. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/4 "2000-11-27T01:29:54Z")
Rats. I’ve been looking for a place to leave my brain. Thought this was gonna be it. Oh well! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/5 "2000-11-27T01:31:22Z")
Intervention needed, intervention needed, stat, stat… Actually the only good fruitcake–an oxymoron if there ever was one–is slowly, carefully fed spiritous liquors over a span of weeks. They’re baked and then slowly doused in so much booze they couldn’t mold in a rainforest. The eater gets soused enough on a few bites they don’t notice how basically disgusting it is. Most are just leaden lumps. Fess up, guys; you’re _really_ solicting fruitcakes to make the Guinness Book of World Records: largest single-family dwelling built on an indestructable fruitcake foundation. Veb ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/6 "2000-11-27T01:40:06Z")
> [@](#): > > Fess up, guys; you’re really solicting fruitcakes I’m not soliciting fruitcakes. **fnord1966** is. I wouldn’t _dream_ of cutting in on his action! But if a fruitcake or two _did_ happen to find its way to me, what’s a guy to do? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/7 "2000-11-27T01:43:01Z")
Hey I’ll share. I just thought of something bad, Its gonna cost like 30 bucks to ship one, they weigh a ton. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/8 "2000-11-27T01:47:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny L.A. \* > \*\* But if a fruitcake or two _did_ happen to find its way to me, what’s a guy to do? 😉 > \*\* Buy antacids; lots and lots of antacids. Alka-Seltzer, Tagament, Maalox, Pepto-Bismol–and you might want to pick up some industrial-strength constipation cures while you’re at it. Please, I beg of you (plural) for your own good! Turn away! Just say no! There’s still time! The stuff is rancid nuts and preserved fruit with a half-life of plutonium, bound in a Portland cement batter. Really worried now, Veb ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/9 "2000-11-27T02:35:03Z")
The only thing that has ever given me heartburn was a DoubleWhopper with cheese from BurgerKing. ---
**Author:** ![hypergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@hypergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hypergirl)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/10 "2000-11-27T02:43:46Z")
My friend the movie director made a movie about what to do with unwanted fruitcake. [http://ifilm.com/ifilm/skeletons/film\_detail/0,1263,75561,00.html](http://ifilm.com/ifilm/skeletons/film_detail/0,1263,75561,00.html) ---
**Author:** ![brachyrhynchos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brachyrhynchos/32/376_2.png) [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/11 "2000-11-27T04:38:52Z")
My name is brachy and I am a fruitcake lover. ::hangs head in shame:: My story began long ago, when I was but a wee one. Mother dear would make not one but TWO fruitcakes in October each year. Seductive beauties, these were, full of delectible candied fruits, succulent raisins, and chunks of walnuts, all surrounded by a rich, whiskey-ladened spicecake. Once a week, she’d perform the sacred ritual of the _bathing of the cakes_ by carefully unwrapping them from their cheesecloth cradles and liberally pouring more of Tennessee’s finest over this food of the gods. I would watch, betwixt’d by the luscious sight and smell, barely able to wait until the golden cakes had achieved their ultimate level of perfection. ::wipes drool away:: Mother dear was no fool. She understood calendars and the time it took to create these eighth wonders of the world. It was no coincidence that perfection came on Christmas, when we were already heady from the holidays. The cakes would come out and Mother dear would skillfully slice thin pieces for each of us. Gaudi’s Rosette Window came to sit on our plates. Quivering with anticipation, we’d spork off a piece and gobble down Nirvana! Fruity intoxication would melt in our mouths and we’d sigh the sigh of the truly sated. ::anybody got a gingerbread cooky to tide me over??:: My connect, er, Mother dear is doing fruitcake again this year. And I can’t wait. (Okay, so I’m not repentent.) ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/12 "2000-11-27T04:45:49Z")
fnord, what sort of demons are haunting you? What is it that drives you to torture yourself with the evil fruitcake? I’ve read of many sad things on this board - self-doubt, cutting, loneliness, self-mutilation, and now…now…this. Fruitcake self-abuse. It is indeed a dark day in Dopeville. C’mon fnord, be like Paul Harvey and tell us _the rest of the story_. Give us The Straight Dope. Surely you don’t plan on actually eating these things, do you? You’re playing a prank on someone, right? Or maybe… With winter coming up, you need them for trunk ballast in your real-wheel drive car. You’ve got a really big shotgun and you want them for skeet practice. You plan on taking the four biggest fruitcakes, drilling out axle holes, and using them as tires. They’ll do at least as well as Firestones. They burn longer than a DuraFlame log, and in prettier colors, too. “Now improved! With real wood crackling sounds!” You’re actually in the mafia, and soon those who disrespect the family will go for a boatride wearing the dreaded “fruitcake shoes”. ---
**Author:** ![kiffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d78d45/32.png) [@kiffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiffa)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/13 "2000-11-27T04:47:48Z")
Ah, Brachy, is Mom bringing said fruitcake to Florida for Christmas? I hope, I hope, I hope. I have been soaking fruit in cognac since end October with the idea that she was bringing another spice cake. Two or even three are better than one. :tap,tap,tap, taptaptap badaboom: another reason to be happy today! ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/14 "2000-11-27T04:56:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by brachyrhynchos \* > **…and liberally pouring more of Tennessee’s finest over this food of the gods.** Actually, this reminds me of another confectionary delight. Now that I live but a mere 50 minute drive away from the home of Jack Daniel’s, I can get those delicious little Jack-soaked chocolate cakes. Perhaps after two or three of those cakes I could muster up the courage to try a piece of homemade fruitcake. A small piece. [sub]a tiny little piece[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![brachyrhynchos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brachyrhynchos/32/376_2.png) [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/15 "2000-11-27T05:10:51Z")
Come to the dark side, Dire Wolf. It starts with the first bite. 😃 (Yep, kiffa - Mom’s bringing fruitcake. Will you make that English fruitcake again? My head will explode with delight.) ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/16 "2000-11-27T06:01:58Z")
Oh, so that’s how it works. I see. The first taste is always free, right? Then you’ve got me hooked, and soon I’m reduced to a shaking fruitcake junkie, right? Right? I know your kind, brachy! You better not be peddling those things within 1000 feet of a school yard! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![brachyrhynchos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brachyrhynchos/32/376_2.png) [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/17 "2000-11-27T08:33:19Z")
Dire Wolf, how else do we get you to take that first step on the road to debauch, um, _enlightenment_? But peddle this stuff to children? Strange children? Well, we are talking about fruitcake that should come with a warning as in “Don’t eat this fruitcake and operate heavy machinery at the same time” or “Keep away from open flames.” So I say give them the Shirley Temple version. ---
**Author:** ![rundogrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5daacb/32.png) [@rundogrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rundogrun)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/18 "2000-11-27T15:42:43Z")
Yep…score another for the pro-fruitcake team. When my grandmother was alive I used to make them for her every year. I’d start Thanksgiving weekend, which would allow for a full month of soaking in bourbon. And I never used any of the nasty bits in there. If there are any leftovers, shoot 'em my way! ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2000, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/19 "2000-11-27T16:32:15Z")
\*\*fnord1966 wrote: If Any of you Dopers should recieve an unwanted Fruitcake as a gift this holiday season, And you have no place to dispose of it, I am here to save your day.\*\* Nonononononononononononono!!! Look, **fnord1966** , you’re violating the Law of Physics here! It’s been conclusively proven there are only 3 fruitcakes in the whole Universe. There just seems like a lot more 'cause they get swapped around so much. If you were to get all 3 fruitcakes in close proximity to each other, who knows what catastrophe might happpen! The universe might well implode! Give up your insane quest before it’s too late! ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811/20 "2000-11-28T05:57:10Z")
Aww, come on, there has to be more than 3 fruitcakes un the universe, I was at Costco day before yesterday and there was a table with about 300 on em on it. I just had to get 3 of them. All gone now, I feel kinda funny. Better get ahold of some ex-lax just in case. Dont take this as a hint that I dont want your fruitcakes, I still want all of them. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fruitcake-depository/42811.md?page=2)