# Fuck Me! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 24, 2003, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791 "2003-04-24T05:06:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/1 "2003-04-24T05:06:23Z")
My first car was a 1971 Chrysler Newport, and in one of the stupider moments of my life, I sold the thing. In the years since, I’ve missed that car, and I’ve looked for another one for sale. I came close to buying another one, but was talked out of it by a friend. I’ve been checking the local classifieds, eBay, and _Hemmings Motor News_, but I’ve not been able to find one that I could afford. Last week, however, I spot a 1970 model (which is identical except for a few cosmetic details) for sale for only $350, plus it’s only a short drive away! (All the others have been out of my price range, or too far away for me to consider.) Money’s a bit tight, but I can swing it, so I place a bid for $400 and wait, figuring I’ll be outbid (the engine alone is worth more than that). As I watch the auction, no one’s bidding on the car! She’s going to be mine again! I can’t wait, I’m planning the trip, figuring out my finances, I’m more stoked about this than I have been about anything else in a long, long time! I even think of a name for the car: Athena. As the final minutes of the auction run down, I keep checking to see if the car’s going to be mine or if I’ll be outbid at the last moment. Someone finally bids against me, driving the price up a couple of dollars, but not much. Then, two minutes before the end of the auction, eBay goes wonkers and the page won’t load! When the page finally _does_ reload, the auction’s over and I’ve got the car! Yeehaw! Back when I was in high school, my favorite thing to do with the car was to go out on the back roads late at night when the Moon was full, turn the radio off, roll the windows down, and turn off the headlights. The car was absolutely _silent_ as she rolled down the road. No matter how much I gunned the engine, you couldn’t hear it. The first thing I planned to do when I got the car home, and made sure it was roadworthy was to take her out on a moonlit night and repeat that. Yesterday, I get home from work and find a bill I’ve forgotten to pay. No biggie, really, it’ll put a dent in my finances, but I can still pay the bill and afford to get the car. I log on to the internet to check my bank balance to make sure that I’ve got enough cash in my account, I’ve got almost a $300 dollar check in my pocket from my other job that I haven’t cashed yet, so I should be in good shape. Hmmm, my bank account’s _lower_ than it should be. I start thinking of things I can sell, bills I can put off, and ways I can save money in order to be able to pay for the car and survive. It looks like I can squeak by, but just barely. As I’m going through the change in my pockets, I notice that most of the coins were all minted in 1970. That _has_ to be a good omen! I sleep a little restlessly, I don’t have much left to sell of value that I could get quick cash for, so I figure I’ll go to one of those cash advance places, to get the money to cover my expenses. I’ll have to put myself on short rations (i.e. one meal a day), cut back on everything else, but I should be able to do it. So, this morning, I run to the bank to deposit my paycheck, and when I send the check through the super sucker tube at the drive-thru, I’m thinking of other ways to save money. “I’m going to put your current balance on your reciept, along with your previous balance.” The teller says. That’s kind of odd, I think. They’ve never done that before. “Your account was in the negative, but with your deposit, it’s back in the positive. You might want to look into it.” _Ye gads!_ What the fuck happened? I get my receipt and discover that my account was in the hole by a $100! _Sheeyit!_ I don’t have time to go into the bank and find out what’s caused this, I’ve got to run home and grab a few things before I go to work, so I zip on home. Still, I’m thinking, there _has_ to be a way for me get the money. I get another paycheck on Friday, but that’s got to go towards rent and another bill, hmm. It’s not looking good. I get home, and my roommate, Jojo the Idiot Boy says, “I got laid off from my job today.” I feel the slightest _PUFF_ of air against my ass, and then the giant throbbing cock of the Great Cosmic All penetrates my rectum. I am totally fucked. Even if Jojo the Idiot boy manages to get a job tomorrow (ain’t no fucking way _that’s_ going to happen), it’ll put him behind on paying me his share of the bills. A delay I simply _cannot_ afford if I’m going to have any hope at all of getting the car. I hear the voice of the Great Cosmic All whispering in my ears, “You’re such an easy bitch to fuck, you know that?”:mad: ---
**Author:** ![Morrigoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/858c86/32.png) [@Morrigoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morrigoon)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/2 "2003-04-24T05:09:50Z")
What can I say but ROTFL? ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/3 "2003-04-24T05:11:26Z")
Wow. Do they take Visa? ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/4 "2003-04-24T05:14:42Z")
That sucks. Obviously, get things straightened out with the bank ASAP to make sure that no one else is making charges on your account. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/5 "2003-04-24T05:22:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by alice\_in\_wonderland \* > \*\*Wow. > > Do they take Visa? \*\* Sadly, no, and I don’t have one anyway, so it really doesn’t matter. (And yeah, _theft_ has occured to me as a way to get the car, I want one _that_ badly. I was even willing to sell a few pints of blood and plasma for food money, but it wouldn’t be enough to cover my bills. Plus starvation and blood donation _don’t_ mix as I’ve discovered in the past.) ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/6 "2003-04-24T05:28:44Z")
Wow. I came in here to make some pithy reply to “Fuck Me” but now I don’t have the heart. But if you and the Great Cosmic All are that close, would you give Them my number? I would like to have a few words with Them. ---
**Author:** ![Morrigoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/858c86/32.png) [@Morrigoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morrigoon)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/7 "2003-04-24T05:57:50Z")
You’re a guy right? Sell some sperm! Look in the classifieds of the local campus newspaper, they’re always advertising in ours! ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/8 "2003-04-24T08:03:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Morrigoon \* > \*\*You’re a guy right? Sell some sperm! Look in the classifieds of the local campus newspaper, they’re always advertising in ours! \*\* Hmmm, that _might_ work, but I’ve good reason to believe that I fire “blanks” if you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/9 "2003-04-24T08:14:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\*But if you and the Great Cosmic All are that close, would you give Them my number? I would like to have a few words with Them. \*\* Sadly, the Great Cosmic All doesn’t stay around long enough to do that. It just shows up, pounds me in the ass, and then leaves. No complimentary reacharound, no kiss goodnight, no mint on the pillow, no phone call the next morning, not even a $20 bill left on the dresser. An absolute, shoddy bastard, all the way around, if you ask me. Oh, and **Morrigoon** , after doing a google search, I’ve discovered that there’s apparently _no_ spermbanks closeby. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/10 "2003-04-24T10:26:53Z")
Wow, that sucks. E-mail the seller and explain what happened to your roommate and how that affects your finances. See if he’s willing to negotiate some type of gradual payment plan-- maybe, you pay gradually over a period of 6 months, and feedback is posted after the 6 months are over. Should you default on a payment, you get negative feedback. Or something. If you’re lucky, he might see the events as the Acts of God they are and cut you some slack. In the meantime, do whatever you can to get and save money. It might not be easy, but it’s possible you could end up with the car and not too financially screwed. That is, if you still want to. It might be better to wait on the car and keep the cash handy, especially if there might be lean times ahead. I’d still e-mail the seller, though, to explain what was going on. It would be a real shame if you got negative eBay feedback on top of everything else. ---
**Author:** ![herman\_and\_bill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f1d935/32.png) [@herman\_and\_bill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/herman_and_bill)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/11 "2003-04-24T11:34:01Z")
Hey, you bought the car, you gotta make good on the sale don’t you? Let your room mate worry about his own finances, you can live in that car, its a big one. What does it have in it? 440? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/12 "2003-04-24T14:17:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tuckerfan \* > \*\*Hmmm, that _might_ work, but I’ve good reason to believe that I fire “blanks” if you know what I mean. \*\* Okay, but would they find that out before you have a chance to cash the check? ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/13 "2003-04-24T14:56:50Z")
Man, I hate to be a realist with someone’s dream, but if you’re skating that close to the financial edge, do you really want to be buying and restoring an old beater? Aside from registration, insurance, and property taxes; you’re guaranteed to have to immediately put several hundred dollars into a car of that vintage just to make it road legal (exhaust, tires, battery, body work, brakes – at least one of those is gonna be shot). I’d say take the car and sell the parts for a profit. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Sherbet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@Mr\_Sherbet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Sherbet)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/14 "2003-04-24T15:55:03Z")
Anyone in the family that could lend you a few bucks for a little while? How about Roommate? Can he borrow money to pay for his side of things? Rent out your room and sleep with roommate? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/15 "2003-04-24T17:18:05Z")
Well, I’ve e-mailed the seller and explained things to him, and have even offered to pay the auction fee since I don’t have the money at the moment for the car. Haven’t heard a thing from him at all. Family’s no help as they don’t understand why the hell I would want a car that _wasn’t_ brand new. **Mr Sherbet** , I’d rather die. Seriously, as soon as my finances are more secure, roommate’s out on the street. Don’t care if he’s homeless or not. If Mojo Jojo and “Rainman” had a kid together, he would be it. **Finagle** , I _know_ what’s involved in restoring a car, done it before. I was planning on parking that puppy and working on it over time. It’s not like it was going to be my _only_ car. **Ethilrist** , don’t you think they test that stuff _before_ they cut you the check? Haven’t you seen _Road Trip_? **herman\_and\_bill** , I live in a trailer, I _own_ the trailer, but rent the lot it’s on. I don’t pay my rent, I get evicted. I then have to find _someplace_ to put the trailer, since I live in the _only_ decent trailer park in town (hell, in the whole damn county!), _I’m_ SOL if I get evicted. ---
**Author:** ![NoGoodNamesLeft](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8797f3/32.png) [@NoGoodNamesLeft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoGoodNamesLeft)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2003, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/16 "2003-04-24T17:31:33Z")
Hey, Tuckerfan, not to add salt here, but all this in the same week the Leafs get their asses handed to them by the Flyers \ ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2003, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/17 "2003-04-25T04:35:25Z")
Got this e-mail from the seller today: > [@](#): > > My eBay fees were $19.05 for the auction. If you’re willing to pay that, it > will show good intent on your part. In that case, I will leave positive > feedback. > \_ > Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope things get better for you. I’m not > going to relist it right away, so if things start to look up, get in touch > with me. > \_ > Thanks! Yeah, I’m bawling like a baby right now. Now, I’ve gotta figure out what’s going on with my bank account, and see if I can scrape the cash up. Anybody want to buy a kidney? (Not mine, roommie’s. He can spare a couple. 😉 ) ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2003, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-me/170791/18 "2003-04-25T05:03:18Z")
Damn! I’m sorry you’re having shitty luck. Maybe I could help out. Email me if you want.