# Fuck off and die, Do-It-Yourself parking ticket writer **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 17, 2009, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397 "2009-09-17T02:30:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/61 "2009-09-17T14:39:52Z")
> [@Gfactor](#): > > Reminder: > > [Restricted language in the Pit - The BBQ Pit - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=508858) > > Please avoid this in the future. No warning issued. > \*\* > Gfactor\*\* > Pit Moderator You’ve admitted that you treat the forbidden expressions list literally. I suggest that people who want to get around that start spelling the words incorrectly. Heck, do the “ironic” bleeping thing. IOW, go f\*k yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/62 "2009-09-17T14:41:59Z")
I commend the OP on parking near the back of the lot when with a larger vehicle. Depending on the size of the spaces, even if it’s not a large truck, it may still be bothersome because, even if it fits in the space, it may not leave a whole lot of room for people to get in and out. In fact, I have no problem with people taking up 2 or 4 spaces, provided they’re not taking up spaces that other people may want. Hell, I see it all the time even with cars that don’t need that much space, but where people just don’t want dings like Mercedes or other expensive cars. Similarly, a place I frequent for lunch is also visited often by firemen and they sometimes bring a fire engine and park it across 5-6 spaces in the back of the lot. So, I’ll say the ticket writer was over the top. If the lot were nearly full or you were taking convenient spaces I might understand, but taking up more than one space isn’t an offense. Still, if it makes him feel better to say something about it, I’d sure as hell rather him write a quick ticket than key my car or deliberately bang it with his cardoor or whatever. However, your reaction is also way over the top. Yes, you didn’t do anything wrong and he was silly, but getting upset over something so small and then reacting by promising to be a prick to other people? Do you get this upset when you get a real parking ticket under your wiper? What about when those silly advertisers put a flyer there instead? He didn’t do any damage to your truck. So really, save your anger. You’d probably have gotten at least as much satisfaction if you hadn’t been angry and, instead, openned a MPSIMS thread making fun of the self-appointed parking nazi. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/63 "2009-09-17T14:43:46Z")
In the 1980s I had a book of tickets with a picture of Mickey Mouse giving the viewer the finger, with the words “Nice parking, asshole. Next time leave a fucking can opener so I can get out.” I enjoyed using them. I would also have looked at the OP’s truck lasciviously, then made sweet love to it via the exhaust pipe. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/64 "2009-09-17T14:48:29Z")
> [@](#): > > Reminder: > > The following expressions should not be directed at other posters. > > * * * > > fuck you and variants, e.g., go fuck yourself, fuck off and die > > \*\* > Gfactor\*\* > Pit Moderator Here, let me print this off for you. I’ll leave it on your windshield right under the windshield wiper. No charge, seeing as how you’re such a pleasant fellow. I would also like to share with you that the reason they call them “sports cars” is because they actually have characteristics that can enhance the driving experience above and beyond the conventional. Your choice in vehicles suggests these capabilities aren’t of concern to you which is fine, but to mistake them for genetalia is either disingenuous or mind-bogglingly obtuse. Either way it does not speak well of how you view your place among others. Perhaps there are a number of things you could chill about that would benefit all that find themselves in your company. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/65 "2009-09-17T14:50:40Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Wow. You are a horrible person. Seriously. A guy that mad could do a lot of bad things to society. If a guy that mad does horrible things to society, that’s his damage and he should go to jail. It’s a frigging _note_. Deciding everyone should refrain on commenting from jerkishness because the dickweed might escalate it into more jerkishness seems overly accommodating of people who do jerkish things. I never really though notes were effective, but with this much of a reaction, more people should really be writing them. I figured they’d just be ignored, but that’s obviously not true. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/66 "2009-09-17T14:54:51Z")
Tssk Tssk Big T. Who knew the next crop would be rolling in so soon. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/67 "2009-09-17T15:23:11Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > In the 1980s I had a book of tickets with a picture of Mickey Mouse giving the viewer the finger, with the words “Nice parking, asshole. Next time leave a fucking can opener so I can get out.” I enjoyed using them. > > I would also have looked at the OP’s truck lasciviously, then made sweet love to it via the exhaust pipe. We had those when I was in high school, in the mid-90’s, and everyone was giving them out to everyone as a joke thing. Hell I gave them out to my brother and my friends who had cars. It was all fun and games until one day a couple of guys got into a fight in the parking lot, supposedly over the Mickey Mouse thing I wasn’t there so I do not know for sure, and the next day over the intercom we were told the tickets were not allowed on campus any more. I think I still have some. I’ll have to check when I get home. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/68 "2009-09-17T15:26:26Z")
Back at my old apartment we had pretty limited parking. We did our best, but somehow the builders didn’t assume everyone living there would, you know, have a car. Or ever have visitors. If I was lucky I’d be able to park quite close to the stairs to my door, though, as there were five parking spots nestled beneath it. Two of them were frequently taken up by one of those pickups – you know, the steatopygian ones with an extra few feet of wheel well on either side? Handy for climbing muddy hills on the ranch but not so necessary for living in a tidy apartment complex in a decidedly urban neighborhood? One of those. Sometimes he parked directly on the line between two spots. And since he lived in my building, he parked there whenever he had the chance. That guy was a grade-A douche. Parking in two spots distant from the store doors, the second spot taken up because the nose of the car is forward a few feet, is a grade-C douche at worst. Maybe not even a douche at all if the truck’s especially long and would otherwise stick out and impede traffic. Putting a home-printed ticket on it? Grade-school twerpery, worth a chuckle and a roll of the eyes. Ranting about it, threatening random people, spazzing over the possibility that someone touched your precious car (what’s a pickup for? In normal pickup use it’s for loading up with stuff, hauling heavy and bulky things, and dragging trailers. I guaran-damn-tee that somewhere in that process something is getting touched), and posting a rant dripping with spittle on an anonymous message board? Douchetastrophe. Or maybe you just picked a really good username. Look, dumb stuff pisses everyone off, and it’s an entertaining rant, but for such a tiny thing you’ve spent a lot of energy. You could haul cows with that kind of power. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/69 "2009-09-17T15:35:22Z")
Two points for working steatopygian into a rant. ---
**Author:** ![justrob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9adbd/32.png) [@justrob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justrob)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/70 "2009-09-17T15:44:02Z")
The parking lot at our office is usually pretty full but there was a guy with a new Beetle that would regularly park across two spaces. Directly over the line so he took them both up so one of the guys in our office left a note on his car after. I’m not sure what the note said but it probably was fairly polite. The person stopped taking two spots after that. Success! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/71 "2009-09-17T15:44:29Z")
When I was a young drinker, my friends and I went to a bar right after opening time. I parked across two spots right in front because (a) the parking lot was empty and (b) I was confident we’d be right back, because we were underaged and I was sure we’d be thrown out. Surprise! They served us! Fun party night follows! We rolled back out about midnight – not so early if you’ve been drinking since 3 pm. The lot was full by that time and there was a pre-printed coupon of the kind **jjimm** is talking about on the windshield of my car. It said “If you fuck like you park, you’ll never get it in.” But I was nineteen, drunk, and a girl. I had _no idea_ what the note was saying. So I waved it around demanding that someone tell me what this _means_. Get what in? Get my car in? In where? When I’m fucking? Wha? My friends were laughing so hard one of them had to sit down in the parking lot. Finally a kind friend explained tht the note was written to a male driver. Oh. ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/72 "2009-09-17T15:58:10Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Amazing how the ticket-giver is managing to live in the OP’s head like that without paying a cent of rent. Yup. In other words **op** , by letting this little action set you in a rage, the ticket writer won. You lost. And if you’re the self reflecting type, you need to ask yourself who’s a bigger asshole- one that would post a phony ticket on someone’s windshield, or one that challenges innocent people to fights? One that writes a phony ticket, or one who is going to ruin things for others and claim that it’s someone else’s fault?: > [@](#): > > You just ruined it for everyone else, buddy. Because now, every time I go to Target, instead of being Mr. Nice Guy… ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/73 "2009-09-17T16:00:52Z")
I hate when someone puts a rant in the pit and then people say, “dude, you are so angry over this that you are talking about it on a message board three days later??” So the fuck what? That is what this message board is for. If everyone decides to be all reasonable and understated and calm, then we would be missing out on all our entertainment in the pit. Come on. Maaan, this thread has got a ton of funny. Kaylasdad in particular, but so many other funny ass posts has slid in under the radar, I am _cracking up at work_. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/74 "2009-09-17T16:03:17Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Wow. You are a horrible person. Seriously. A guy that mad could do a lot of bad things to society. Things that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done what you did. The guy has said he will now do what you didn’t want him to do on purpose. He is also likely to try and catch the next person who does it. > > Responding in a jerkish manner to someone you perceive as a jerk only escalates matters. If you are seriously the type of person who does that sort of thing, well, I can’t say it, because, apparently, it will just make you laugh and turn you into a worse jerk. Oh settle down- I don’t leave anon notes. I’m just laughing at the over the top FURY that the OP shows. Seriously, get a grip and try some deep breathing exercises or something. As if it’s the note leavers fault if some nutjob goes shooting up a Wal-Mart in a rage or something. Please. Yes, I find out of proportion overreactions and drama hilarious. Evil, thy name is BoBettie. ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/75 "2009-09-17T16:22:05Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Darmok at Walmart. > > St Anger, when the ticket was read. Nice. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/76 "2009-09-17T16:35:55Z")
> [@Carol\_Stream](#): > > Park in one spot, problem solved. I… agree with you. Let’s never do this again. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/77 "2009-09-17T16:43:17Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Darmok at Walmart. > > St Anger, when the ticket was read. Okay, maybe it’s the fact that I finally have seen enough Star Trek to get these kinds of references, but this made me giggle uncontrollably. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/78 "2009-09-17T16:45:03Z")
> [@St.Anger](#): > > Over the weekend I dropped my wife off at the door at Target (or “Tar-jeh” as some of my friends like to call it :D) and then parked my Ford F-150. Now, I admit, the front of my pickup DID stick into the opposite parking space, maybe 2 feet, 3 tops. > > HOWEVER, if you saw where I parked, it was not a big deal. I parked so far away from the entrance that if you pulled in, and were looking for a parking spot, my admittedly shoddy parking job would make ZERO difference to any other driver. There were at least 200 parking spots way better than where I parked. Also, I am not one of those douche bags that diagonally parks their brand new $75,000 sports car over four spots so no one comes close to their four-wheeled penis. > > Typically, because I drive such a large vehicle (which I must need for work), I tend to park rather far away from the entrance of a store, and walk. If there is rain, I’ll try and get the best spot possible, but I try to real careful not to take up more than one space, and also try to make sure there is a fair amount of space between me and the other vehicle. > > Hopefully by now you get the point that I was not trying to be an obnoxious asshole. > > OK, so I meet Mrs. Anger inside, she buys her shit, and we go back out to the truck. > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > WHAT the FUCK is THAT??? ON MY WINDSHIELD? > > What is sitting on my windshield but a slip of paper. It looked like it was printed on someones home printer, and said something to the effect of it was a PARKING TICKET, and my violation was being a rude, obnoxious jackass for taking up two parking spaces! > > I took the thing, and tore it to shreds, and it took my wife some talking to calm me down after challenging everyone in the parking lot to a fight. > > DEAR Pussy Wanna-Be Parking Violation Maid: > > 1. I was NOT inconveniencing anyone with where or how I parked. Seriously. MAYBE if I took up two parking spots 50 feet from the front entrance, or took a handicapped spot, OK. But come on, I was clear on the other side of the parking lot. Did that REALLY get to you that much? What’s the matter with you, Ticket Writer, did I BOTHER YOU? > > 2. Don’t ever, ever, EVER put things on my windshield. You lifted my windshield wiper as well to place your stupid fucking ticket on my truck. Which means you touched my truck. > > Don’t touch my truck, either. > > As a matter of fact, I am banning you from even making EYE contact with not only my truck, but anything else that belongs to me. > > 1. You my friend are a PUSSY (or if you are woman, a cowardly cunt). You have a problem with me taking up 1 and 1/10th of a parking spot a football field away from Target in a half full parking lot? If it means that much to you, why didnt you wait until I left the store, and got out of your car to correct me? Are you SCARED? > > Yes, because you are a little passive aggressive, angry worm, who thinks writing little "tickets’ will show ME. Fuck you. How long did you wait before I went in to the store and the coast was clear before you wrote your little ticket? Did you cower in your little Civic or Smartcar or beat up old Tercel, waiting for me to go into the store, and making sure I was in there long enough before you knew the coast was clear enough for to slither over to my truck, put on the ticket, look both ways, then scamper back to your clunker? What a pathetic wus. No character, no backbone. How do you sleep at night going through life this way? > > 1. You didn’t show me. I didn’t learn my “lesson”. You know why? You just ruined it for everyone else, buddy. Because now, every time I go to Target, instead of being Mr. Nice Guy and parking my big, giant pickup as far away as possible from Target so other people with smaller cars can get the good spots, I am not going to only park in two spaces, I am going to do it AS AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO THE ENTRANCE. I am going to be waiting for you to see if you show yourself and come out and do something. Get your ticket book ready, asshole. I’m going to teach YOU a lesson, not the other way around, Stupid Ass. > > 2. My only wish for you is that you write one of your dumb parking tickets, and put it on the windshield of a pimped up low rider driven by a crew of the Mexican Mafia . . . . or on the motorcycle of a Hell’s Angel . . . or a monster truck of a 6’8, 400 pound redneck. Let’s see how tough you are THEN. I have a feeling it will be you, not the driver, getting taught a lesson in violence that surely you have coming to you when you end up shitting your stupid scrap of paper out of your tight-ass, piece by piece, the next day. > > In conclusion, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss Passive Aggressive Ticket Writer, I issue YOU a summons: for being the lowest of the low, a gutless spineless jellyfish filled with self-righteous hatred of others less than worthy behavior, going around thinking in your little world you teach other people how they should conduct their lives by writing your little stupid tickets. I hope you choke on your stupid ticket, die, and rot in hell, you little insipid piece of shit. Don’t do this again. Fuck off. Die. Die slowly. Sombody’s got a full diaper. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/79 "2009-09-17T16:54:04Z")
I actually can agree with the OP to the extent that I think giving someone a “parking ticket” for this is assholish. Why are people’s first instincts to be dicks about stuff? The OP parked slightly over the line. Party foul, fine. How about leaving anot that said, “I appreciate the fact that you parked way out here, but just a little common courtesy can go a long way. Certainly I don’t beleive there is any poor intent on your part, but please park in one spot in the future.” Of course that is a bit inconvenient than just leaving a jerkish “Parking Ticket” that you printed up so that you have a hundred handy dick slips. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397/80 "2009-09-17T17:25:21Z")
> [@Gfactor](#): > > Reminder: > > [Restricted language in the Pit - The BBQ Pit - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=508858) > > Please avoid this in the future. No warning issued. > \*\* > Gfactor\*\* > Pit Moderator Man, the Pit got declawed recently. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-off-and-die-do-it-yourself-parking-ticket-writer/510397.md?page=5)