# Fuck you for abandoning her **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 18, 2007, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422 "2007-12-18T03:12:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/61 "2007-12-19T14:23:54Z")
[QUOTE=LurkMeister] \ I never understood that…what part of “in sickness and in health” in the marriage vow didn’t they understand? [/QUOTE] I see it in real life, and I really see it around these boards - there seem to be a lot of people to whom the marriage vows include an unspoken “until things get tough, or I get bored, or I find someone or something more interesting.” Not to come off as all high-and-mighty, but a 50% divorce rate in the U.S. means a whole lot of people aren’t taking vows made before their friends, their family, their church and their state very seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/62 "2007-12-19T14:30:45Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] It’s easy enough to look in from the outside and judge, but if you’ve never been in that position yourself, how can you? People have to move on and live their lives. It’s sad that this happened to her and her family, but what are they to do- plant themselves at her bedside and grieve endlessly? [/QUOTE] Ummmm…in a word, NO. What he is supposed to do is honor the promise that he made to her years ago. You know, the one about “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health…”. Move on and live their lives, my ass. A man would be there at his wife’s side. Her cousin’s husband isn’t a man, he’s an asshole with no sense of honor or integrity. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/63 "2007-12-19T14:52:51Z")
[QUOTE=Clothahump] Ummmm…in a word, NO. What he is supposed to do is honor the promise that he made to her years ago. You know, the one about “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health…”. Move on and live their lives, my ass. A man would be there at his wife’s side. Her cousin’s husband isn’t a man, he’s an asshole with no sense of honor or integrity. [/QUOTE] Really? So anyone who doesn’t honor that promise isn’t a man? Because there are an awful lot of divorced males in the world who might be surprised to hear it. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/64 "2007-12-19T15:08:21Z")
Just want to say - while I don’t necessarily agree with this man or his kids’ actions, how come everyone is so certain about the content of their marriage vows. I’ve been at plenty of weddings that were just a version of “Do you take this man as your husband?”“Do you take this woman as your wife?”“I pronounce you Man and Wife!” - especially civil weddings. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/65 "2007-12-19T15:21:36Z")
[QUOTE=MrDibble] Just want to say - while I don’t necessarily agree with this man or his kids’ actions, how come everyone is so certain about the content of their marriage vows. I’ve been at plenty of weddings that were just a version of “Do you take this man as your husband?”“Do you take this woman as your wife?”“I pronounce you Man and Wife!” - especially civil weddings. [/QUOTE] Good point, though considering the divorce rate, I just can’t get too worked up about the vows part. Marriages end for sillier reasons all the time. That isn’t to say dude is necessarily a good guy. ---
**Author:** ![PharmBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@PharmBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PharmBoy)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/66 "2007-12-19T17:40:22Z")
[QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth] My cousin had a couple of massive strokes about ten years ago. She was married with a couple of kids. She’s been in hospitals and rehab and finally long-term residential care places since that time. She will not recover. She is physically incapacitated, can not speak (but does vocalize), but is mentally as she was before her strokes. She lives in a small town in Northern BC, quite a haul for me to go visit, so I haven’t seen her in years. Last week, her dad (my uncle) died, so the family converged (I was not able to go). I got a report from my mother tonight telling me that her husband, while not divorcing her, is with another woman and never visits. Neither do her children. Ever. Not in eight or nine years. He says “It’s too hard on me”, and apparently that’s been ingrained into the kids as well. So, a great big FUCK YOU for abandoning your wife. Making her elderly mother and sisters be her only visitors. Fuck you, asshole. Thanks for proving what a prick you really are, and thanks for teaching your kids to be the same way. [/QUOTE] Hi, Pot, meet Kettle ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/67 "2007-12-19T18:02:28Z")
If the husband wants to be with a new woman, he should divorce his wife, incapaciated or not. He’ll still be a pig, but he won’t be breaking his marriage vows. I sure wouldn’t want to be his second wife. I’d keep wondering if he would abandon me too, if I got sick. Of course, if you’re the kind of person who takes up with another woman’s husband, you probably deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/68 "2007-12-19T18:26:01Z")
[QUOTE=Baker] If the husband wants to be with a new woman, he should divorce his wife, incapaciated or not. He’ll still be a pig, but he won’t be breaking his marriage vows. [/QUOTE] I would consider a divorce the ultimate breakage of marriage vows. There could be excellent reasons for not divorcing. There could be stupid, selfish reasons, too. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2007, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/69 "2007-12-19T19:58:59Z")
This reminds me of a IMHO/GD thread from about two months ago “Morals of sleeping with a married person” in which [post=9125883]I asked[/post] > [@](#): > > Would Christopher Reeve’s wife have been a “lying cheating weasel” if she had taken a lover a few years after the paralysis? Should she have tried to get Christopher’s green light before she did? And if he wouldn’t OK it, should she have divorced him if she wanted sex so darn bad ? So I am curious as to the thinking here: If he had continued visiting the wife, say once or twice a week, but still started seeing some other woman, would he still be a prick? ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/70 "2007-12-20T02:32:25Z")
[QUOTE=CarnalK] This reminds me of a IMHO/GD thread from about two months ago “Morals of sleeping with a married person” in which [post=9125883]I asked[/post] So I am curious as to the thinking here: If he had continued visiting the wife, say once or twice a week, but still started seeing some other woman, would he still be a prick? [/QUOTE] Not in my book. At least if he were going to see her, he’d know if she had any needs he could help with. And at the least, she wouldn’t be so lonely (assuming she is). ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/71 "2007-12-20T03:25:34Z")
[QUOTE=jsgoddess] I would consider a divorce the ultimate breakage of marriage vows. There could be excellent reasons for not divorcing. There could be stupid, selfish reasons, too. [/QUOTE] Perhaps one of those considerations is insurance. Her care may be adversely impacted if he divorces her. ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/72 "2007-12-20T03:31:16Z")
[QUOTE=Baker] I sure wouldn’t want to be his second wife. I’d keep wondering if he would abandon me too, if I got sick. Of course, if you’re the kind of person who takes up with another woman’s husband, you probably deserve it. [/QUOTE] There’s “The person I love is sick” and then there’s “The person I love is effectively gone”. Can the wife in the OP communicate in any significant way? The OP said she was mentally unaffected, but declined to specify on what basis they concluded that. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/73 "2007-12-20T04:45:02Z")
[QUOTE=spooje] Perhaps one of those considerations is insurance. Her care may be adversely impacted if he divorces her. [/QUOTE] They live in Canada. She is covered for entirely by the provincial health insurance plan. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/74 "2007-12-20T05:22:00Z")
This thread has me thinking about marriage and vows and contracts and stuff. If 50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S. (Canada’s divorce rate is lower), maybe a lifetime commitment isn’t what most people actually need or want. Maybe we’re trying to force people into something that they just don’t fit into. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/75 "2007-12-20T05:36:27Z")
> [@GingerOfTheNorth](#): > > They live in Canada. She is covered for entirely by the provincial health insurance plan. Firstly remember that there is no federal health plan, it is a provincial jurisdiction. eta: I know you clearly understand the province runs it but saying “she’s in Canada” can mean different things, as I describe below. There can still be some real out of pocket expenses for serious illness. It’s my understanding that BC is a little more liberal in what they cover but in Ontario, for instance, most drugs are not [covered by the government](http://www.health.gov.on.ca/english/public/pub/drugs/odb.html) unless you fall into certain needy groups. That’s usually done through private insurance. Though it’s probably not the case here, some stroke victims would require specialized physiotherapy care, which is pretty tough to get covered by OHIP. Also, perks like private rooms and stuff may carry costs not covered by public health insurance. ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2007, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/76 "2007-12-20T05:41:53Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] This thread has me thinking about marriage and vows and contracts and stuff. If 50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S. (Canada’s divorce rate is lower), maybe a lifetime commitment isn’t what most people actually need or want. Maybe we’re trying to force people into something that they just don’t fit into. [/QUOTE] Actually, I think the divorce rate in the U.S. is down to about 40%, per the latest stats (2005). ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2007, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/77 "2007-12-21T03:26:29Z")
[QUOTE=jsgoddess] Really? So anyone who doesn’t honor that promise isn’t a man? Because there are an awful lot of divorced males in the world who might be surprised to hear it. [/QUOTE] To the best of my knowledge, they are not divorced. Of course, divorcing her at this point in the game would simply show what an asshole he is. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2007, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/78 "2007-12-25T02:57:03Z")
[QUOTE=Mighty\_Girl] While I think it’s assholish of him to not stop by once in eight years , it’s the children that are the worst. Not seeing your mother for eight years? Wow! That’s pretty fucked up. I can’t imagine doing that. [/QUOTE] Well, then you have situations like what my husband is dealing with where his mother has declared that SHE doesn’t want to see her children ever again. We don’t know if this is dementia or a stroke or if she has been unduly influenced by being wanting to take advantage of her and drain her bank account. When her children and other family members attempted to intervene or at least double-check on the situation they were threatened with legal actions against them. Now, I don’t know the situation of the woman in the OP. Did the stroke(s) also change/destroy her personality? Is she able to interact with others in a meaningful way? Dealing with the mental changes brought on by such problems can, in fact, be more difficult than dealing with physical ones. And yes, some people just can’t deal with illness/incapacity in a loved one. It’s a failing, but you can’t magically force them to be otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2007, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/79 "2007-12-25T05:28:01Z")
[QUOTE=Clothahump] To the best of my knowledge, they are not divorced. Of course, divorcing her at this point in the game would simply show what an asshole he is. [/QUOTE] So let’s peg this down. **Clothahump** thinks that if you’re married to a comatose woman then that’s tough shit for you. Anyone else? ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2007, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422/80 "2007-12-25T09:44:56Z")
It all comes down to your word and your honor. I gave my word to my wife, breaking that would destroy my honor, no matter the circumstances. I know that’s not important to a lot of people nowadays, especially people on these boards, but it IS that simple. When one gives his/her word, do they mean it? It may get sticky, it may get unpleasant, it may get downright hard, but it is your word. To some of us, that still matters. The shame here is that it does not to so many more. - I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not honor more.\* -Richard Lovelace [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fuck-you-for-abandoning-her/430422.md?page=5)