# Fucking eye contact **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 28, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209 "2013-03-28T19:53:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![vd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b19c9b/32.png) [@vd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vd)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/41 "2013-03-28T22:16:31Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Yeah, my thing is I just kind of look off in the distance, sometimes closing my eyes, when I’m thinking while talking. Maybe training myself to look up will make it look like I’m thinking and not just distracted. > > Or… maybe training myself to look up will make me _unable to think_! That’s the hard part, isn’t it. For some people, the eye contact and other social cues come naturally and they can concentrate on sounding smart. The more you have to be conscious about the social stuff, the less leftover brain power you have for the words. Hence the practice (and knowing your shit). ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/42 "2013-03-28T22:25:30Z")
> [@August\_West](#): > > If you’re in a job interview and they ask “What are your weaknesses?”, stand up and walk out because the person interviewing you doesn’t know what they’re doing. Or, they learned how to interview in 1980 and haven’t bothered to update their skills. > > If you want to add a bit of dramatic flair; before you walk out, say “My main weakness is an inability to fake an answer to pointless, inane interview questions” Yes, everyone who wants to remain unemployed should do this immediately. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/43 "2013-03-28T22:31:02Z")
> [@Great\_Antibob](#): > > Eye contact as a measure of honesty is a con-man’s best friend. Which is why they use it–they know people respond emotionally to it, not rationally. Eye contact means “I’m naked” in a sense, which is why it IS considered aggressive if you hold someone’s gaze for too long. Because that means “I’m naked, and I would see you naked as well.” As for “What would you consider to be your greatest weakness.” just say, “I am not good with prolonged eye contact.” Smile, glance sideways into their face, and then look away." You’ll get a laugh and maybe forgiveness for the lack of eye contact that is irritating the shit out of the interviewer. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/44 "2013-03-28T22:33:02Z")
You know when you’re learning to drive and you’re learning to check the mirrors? And it seems like you’re checking far too much, it’s ridiculous, you just checked and it seems unnatural? And after a while it becomes a habit, and you don’t even think about it? Do that. Practice with friends, and tell them you’re practicing. It’ll get better. I’m sorry to be harsh, but it’s got to be said: most people probably experience you as a bit of a weirdo. Never looking people in the eye is weird, for reasons mentioned already. With friends that is not a bad thing, I know lots of very nice weirdos. I am a huge weirdo myself, and I’m pretty nice 😛 But it’s not great when meeting new people, and certainly not when interviewing for jobs. I probably wouldn’t hire you either for that reason. Sorry. Anyway, at least this is something you can work on, and you know what to do! Bright side 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![BlankSlate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blankslate/32/80_2.png) [@BlankSlate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlankSlate)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/45 "2013-03-28T22:42:44Z")
Cocaine can really help with this problem, but be careful about talking too much. And don’t get addicted. And don’t apply somewhere with drug testing. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/46 "2013-03-28T22:43:49Z")
My wife is one of those brilliant right brain people who doesn’t do eye contact very well. She compensates by being, you know, brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/47 "2013-03-28T22:48:31Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I really really really wanted the job too. I’m doomed. Next time, try it with one eyebrow raised, and really try to stare 'em down. Sorry about this one, but I have a good feeling about the next! ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/48 "2013-03-28T22:50:09Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Actually, I don’t think that’s a stupid guess. Lack of eye-contact _is_ a sign of lack of honesty. It’s bizarre that you would say that in a thread where basically everyone is giving hints on how to put on a fake personality for the sake of the interviewer. The OPs problem is that he’s interviewing with extroverts, not introverts. I’m always happy when I interview a candidate that gives little eye contact, since it means I don’t have to bother with it myself, and the candidate can focus on my questions. And a joke: what’s the difference between an extrovert and an introvert in engineering? The extrovert looks at the _other_ guy’s shoes. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/49 "2013-03-28T22:52:25Z")
Fan of the missionary position, eh? ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/50 "2013-03-28T22:57:28Z")
Too much eye contact and they’ll label you as potentially aggressive or overbearing. Not enough, and you’re seen as weak and insecure. It’s best to leave your eyes at home when you head out for an interview. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/51 "2013-03-28T23:02:53Z")
Just remember, if you do make eye contact, keep your eyes as wide open as possible and \*never \*blink. That will impress them good. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/52 "2013-03-28T23:03:33Z")
I sympathize. I can do the eye-contact thing when I have to Fake It To Make It![sup]TM[/sup]. But when I have to speak sincerely, from an emotional place, it’s really difficult for me. I also have a hard time collecting my thoughts when I’m looking at someone. It’s a lot easier to speak when I’m looking off in the distance versus at someone’s face. I think lack of eye contact makes many people think “weirdo” before anything else. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/53 "2013-03-28T23:07:49Z")
> [@gracer](#): > > You know when you’re learning to drive and you’re learning to check the mirrors? And it seems like you’re checking far too much, it’s ridiculous, you just checked and it seems unnatural? And after a while it becomes a habit, and you don’t even think about it? > > Do that. Practice with friends, and tell them you’re practicing. It’ll get better. > > I’m sorry to be harsh, but it’s got to be said: most people probably experience you as a bit of a weirdo. Never looking people in the eye is weird, for reasons mentioned already. With friends that is not a bad thing, I know lots of very nice weirdos. I am a huge weirdo myself, and I’m pretty nice 😛 But it’s not great when meeting new people, and certainly not when interviewing for jobs. I probably wouldn’t hire you either for that reason. Sorry. > > Anyway, at least this is something you can work on, and you know what to do! Bright side 🙂 Even if what you say is right, I work in an industry chock full o’ weirdos, so I really have a hard time thinking this was the problem. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/54 "2013-03-28T23:09:04Z")
Look at their eyebrows. It’s even easier if they wear glasses, just look at the rims. Also, learn not to stare, use eye contact like punctuation and highlighting. Don’t look down, up, or around when not maintaining eye contact, just defocus, observe the whole face, not just the eyes. Also, use your hands as you speak, not wild gesticulations, but to illustrate your words if you can, or small movements to stress and highlight your speech. The hand movement draws their eyes, so it’s easier for you to maintain focus on their face while they’re looking at your hands. Finish what you’re saying with a slight smile and look for their reaction, you’re still focused on their face, but not in direct eye contact. Practice with a friend who will deliberately keep eye contact with you so you can feel comfortable. Also consider that the response ‘not enough eye contact’ may be an out for the real reason, which could be anything, and likely irrelevant to your qualifications. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/55 "2013-03-28T23:12:00Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Also consider that the response ‘not enough eye contact’ may be an out for the real reason, which could be anything, and likely irrelevant to your qualifications. Like I said, it was just one of the reasons given. One of the other reasons made sense,\* and the other involved a supposition that I’d said the exact opposite of what I’d said so I didn’t quite get that either. But whatever maybe I somehow wasn’t clear (though I said it on three separate occasions to three different people…). \*I got caught unprepared on a couple of questions and didn’t just straightforwardly say I didn’t know how to answer and ask pertinent questions, instead trying to stumble through an unknowledgeable answer. Noob error! ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/56 "2013-03-28T23:13:42Z")
> [@CJPAmadaeus](#): > > Culture matters. If you didn’t get the job because you wouldn’t do something that you consider to be a threat - it’s likely not a place you would be comfortable working in. That being said, when you first start a new paragraph in talking to somebody, glance to the bridge of the nose (the part that you look at to recognize a face). In this case the culture you’re talking about isn’t limited to whatever work environment the OP applied to. Eye contact is a pretty basic part of face-to-face communication in our culture, period. Being incapable of making eye contact is something that will be detrimental in every job interview the OP has. **Anonymous User,** you have my sympathy. It’s something you’ll probably have to practice in order to make yourself more marketable. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/57 "2013-03-28T23:16:00Z")
Oh, and if the guy interviewing you is one of those people with one eye that looks at you and the other that stares at the wall, stare at a spot between the two of them. ---
**Author:** ![James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac8455/32.png) [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Otto_Sweet_Heart)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/58 "2013-03-28T23:46:38Z")
> [@Great\_Antibob](#): > > 1. If you’re going to make a guess, don’t guess something so grossly stupid. > 2. You’re a fucking idiot. Well what would your guess be since you obviously think that you are the one who has all the answers. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: God bless you always!!! Holly P.S. What is so “grossly stupid” about my guess? What would you rather a person be, honest or full of nothing but a load of bunk? ---
**Author:** ![Mapache](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/58956e/32.png) [@Mapache](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mapache)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/59 "2013-03-29T00:27:32Z")
I know that Americans like eye contact, although it took me until I was sixty to realize it. But lots of cultures don’t appreciate it, starting with apes. Want to start a fight with a gorilla? Give him a fixed stare and he will think you’re challenging him. Australian aborigines never look anyone in the eye, and neither do most South American Indians. In Hawaii it’s called “stink eye” and is the best way to start a street fight. Most Samoans see a direct stare as a threat and a challenge, and nobody but Tongans want to piss off Samoans. But Americans like it, who knows why. ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/60 "2013-03-29T00:29:32Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > For me, that’s okay if it’s only one place you are looking. It’s fine with me if someone makes eye contact, then\*\* slides their eyes somewhere else,\*\* then back to eyes, then somewhere else (preferably not the same place), etc. There should never be fixed stares. Bolding added. So long as it’s not my tits, at least in an interview situation. Yes, this has happened. Ew. To the OP - I had to teach my kid to make eye contact, he’s pretty good at it now. He looks at the bridge of the other person’s nose. We talked a lot about making that look natural and not staring. In fact, it is reliably how I can tell how tired or guilty he is in any given situation by the amount of time he’s trying to look sincere while staring at the bridge of my nose (the less natural the sincere look and the longer the stare, the more I know he’s hiding something - he’d be a shitty poker player). If he’s tired he gets stuck looking there (almost looking through me). Kind of avoid that, too. Focus on the face and not at a point behind the head, which is the trap for young players. Best of luck, but yes, do practice because it does help, even if you feel like a dork for role-playing it with a friend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=4)