# Fucking eye contact **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 28, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209 "2013-03-28T19:53:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/81 "2013-03-29T15:45:04Z")
> [@Mapache](#): > > I know that Americans like eye contact, although it took me until I was sixty to realize it. But lots of cultures don’t appreciate it, starting with apes. […] But Americans like it, who knows why. I assumed that was WHY it was taken as a measure of confidence; you’re not being shaken by a potentially threatening sign. If you’re refusing to make eye contact, it’s taken as a sign of meekness. Being able to hold (suitable) eye contact is showing that you consider yourself to be on some level of parity with them. Obviously it can be over done but people respect those who are showing confidence. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/82 "2013-03-29T15:49:57Z")
You also benefit from eye contact, it’s a reliable method of getting feedback and gauging others’ interest in you. How will you know if someone is interested/has lost interest in what you are saying if you don’t look at their eyes? How do you know if a romantic interest is into you if you aren’t picking up on those subtle cues like dilated pupils and genuine smiles? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/83 "2013-03-29T15:56:46Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > You also benefit from eye contact, it’s a reliable method of getting feedback and gauging others’ interest in you. How will you know if someone is interested/has lost interest in what you are saying if you don’t look at their eyes? How do you know if a romantic interest is into you if you aren’t picking up on those subtle cues like dilated pupils and genuine smiles? My interest in others is not reliably measured by my making eye contact with them, so why would I assume I can measure others’ interest by seeing whether they make eye contact with me? As for the point about romance, as you may have deduced (validly or not I am not certain) it was never my strong point. But dilated pupils? Do you really look to see whether people’s pupils are dilated? That seems like a level of detail it’d be hard to discern in any casual context… Genuine smiles I also have no clue. I made a thread about this once. I have no idea how to smile. I mean, I do smile–what I don’t understand how to do is to smile _on purpose_. Photo sessions with me are disastrous. I’m this really nice laid back guy who’s genuinely concerned for his fellow man and loves his friends, and my friends (and students) know this well, but I guess you “have to get to know me first” or something because yeah, I seriously have no idea how to control my face and don’t really understand others’ (at least on any conscious level). ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/84 "2013-03-29T16:14:50Z")
It’s not something I consciously look for; it’s hardwired in social animals. Of course with so many of us medicated to the gills today, pupil size is probably not as a reliable social thermometer as it once was. But yeah, people who are interest focus on you, often nod and lean forward, mimic your body language, and the quality of their gaze gives away a lot of information. Those moments of connection can range from reassuring (good; I have a rapport with my boss) to exciting (this guy’s really into me). It benefits you to make eye contact and read other people, and you have the same rights to determine if you want a conversation to continue or not; to determine if the other person is trustworthy, appealing, aggressive or whathaveyou. It’s a 50/50 thing, so try not to take it personally. Do you ever watch any interviews? John Stewart, Fallon and the like? Can you tell when things are awkward and tense and when t he host and guest really dig each other? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/85 "2013-03-29T16:28:35Z")
I don’t “take it personally,” and not only can I tell the difference between a good social interaction and an awkward one on TV, I can also tell the difference when I’m one of the participants. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/86 "2013-03-29T16:30:39Z")
My youngest kid is autistic and really struggles with eye contact. Left to his own devices, he will never look anyone in the eye, ever. But this is a big enough deal for people socially that one of the therapies he gets is designed to work on improving his level of eye contact with people. I figure that if he can do it, anyone can. Practice with friends or in a mirror until it feels more natural to you. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/87 "2013-03-29T16:31:46Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I don’t “take it personally,” and not only can I tell the difference between a good social interaction and an awkward one on TV, I can also tell the difference when I’m one of the participants. Okay, so eye contact and the ability to give and take, know when to pause or change the subject, know when you’ve worn out your welcome and when the other person is interested hinges on studying each other. Eye contact benefits you, too. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/88 "2013-03-29T18:07:16Z")
I’ve found that a lot of people find eye contact to be a sign of confidence, honesty, and all that sort of stuff. Other people find it threatening, creepy, or whatever. If it’s a situation like an interview, then I think it’s important to figure out how they’re reading your body language, which I think most interviewers will, and adjust accordingly. Unfortunately, I think this is exactly one of those settings where lack of eye contact is just considered a bad thing without actually considering the rest. That said, I think my eye contact is all over the place. If I’m really focusing on something someone is saying, like they’re explaining a technical problem at work, I will usually deliberately look away so I’m not distracted and conceptualizing what they’re describing. Other times, I’ve been told I’m staring and not even really realizing it, because I’m thinking about other things; hence deliberately forcing myself to look elsewhere before getting into deeper thought. I have tried to make a point of, when engaging with someone, particularly someone I don’t know, to try to think about eye contact and do more of it, but I’m still not going to think much of it either way. I’ll make up my mind on someone’s confidence, honesty, and all of that through other means. That all said, in an interview, you pretty much have to do it. I’d like to think they’d consider the content a lot more. Seriously, the person is interviewing for a job, they’re on the spot, of course they’re going to be nervous. Do they know their stuff? Maybe consider lack of eye contact if you otherwise get a sense that they’re dishonest or whatever. But what I’ve learned is that ultimately, even if not realizing it, people will often get that sort of negative impact without directly noticing the level of eye contact. There’s a lot of subtle expressions that we intuitively pick up on and express, and so failing to make eye contact hides that information from a lot of people. Personally, I’m not particularly visual when communicating, I’ll pick up a lot more from tone of voice, volume, speed, timbre, word choice, all of that, than from facial expressions, but I understand that other people don’t so much pick up on that sort of stuff; in fact, I’m reasonably certain that a large majority of people are much more visual. So, I’ve just trained myself to focus on eye contact when socializing with new people until I’ve gauged what they need and they’ve gauged how I work. I still end up with some miscommunications and misunderstandings, but it’s way better than it was otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/89 "2013-03-29T22:28:59Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > But I _am_ confident. I just find eye contact, in general, no matter the context, no matter how confident, _threatening_. We’re staring each other down. One of us is going to punch the other. That’s how it feels to me. Well, yeah. And you back down. Like a _pussy_. How you gonna get respected by the HR person if they aren’t made to feel like you could sock 'em one any time you like, without any reason or warning ? That’s what I learned in the Mafia, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/90 "2013-03-29T22:55:17Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > But I _am_ confident. I just find eye contact, in general, no matter the context, no matter how confident, _threatening_. We’re staring each other down. One of us is going to punch the other. That’s how it feels to me. Well I’m sure you know this isn’t rational, right? What makes you feel this way? I struggle with eye contact too but for a different reason. If its in a professional setting, and it’s a woman, I’m afraid it might come off as being “too friendly.” Eye contact establishes a connection like nothing else. It’s essential. Just practice it more and you will get over your fear. ---
**Author:** ![Ms.Pumpkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a87d85/32.png) [@Ms.Pumpkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms.Pumpkin)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/91 "2013-03-29T23:05:16Z")
'nother one with this problem, here- although I’ve gotten better at it. Really all you can do is practice. I usually pick an eye(don’t try to look at both at once), hold my gaze for a few seconds, then look at something else(the next person, a piece of artwork, whatever), then back to eye contact. I think timing is important. Be sure to make eye contact a) when they begin a new question and b) when you start your response. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/92 "2013-03-29T23:38:27Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Well I’m sure you know this isn’t rational, right? Well sure. The “standard” attitude toward eye contact is irrational, and so’s mine. We’re just different people made differently. > [@](#): > > What makes you feel this way? It justseems to be how I’m constituted. ---
**Author:** ![syncrolecyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f08c70/32.png) [@syncrolecyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/syncrolecyne)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/93 "2013-03-29T23:49:22Z")
I empathize…I just landed a job in my profession after going through a year of interviews and job fairs. I am not a people person; I don’t like a lot of direct eye contact, I’m not much of a handshaker, and I tend to fidget. I hated job fairs where I had 5-10 minutes to make a quick impression. I finally landed a job when I found some people who were far more interested in my ideas than my superficial traits. It also helped that the folks interviewing me were awkward too! ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/94 "2013-03-29T23:51:11Z")
Well, I get that eye contact means different things to different people. I’ve felt the anxiousness tha can go along with eye contact too so I think I know where you are coming from. However, certain norms are consistent with most people. Like others said, eye contact gives a sense of trust, honesty, confidence, etc… But that doesn’t mean it’s the end-all be-all. If you really have an issue with eye contact, just try and find other ways to compensate. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/95 "2013-03-30T00:50:53Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > But I _am_ confident. I just find eye contact, in general, no matter the context, no matter how confident, _threatening_. We’re staring each other down. One of us is going to punch the other. That’s how it feels to me. Same here. That, and I find eye contact to be a level of intimacy I don’t feel comfortable with. To me it is like if everyone walked around grabbing each other’s asses. I don’t feel comfortable, it is too intimate. So I don’t do it. Sadly, in this culture it is assumed people lack eye contact due to being deceptive or lacking self confidence (like if everyone who didn’t like having their ass grabbed by strangers is frigid and uptight). The idea that we don’t want that level of intimacy with a stranger doesn’t occur to them. But I have learned to pretend when it really matters (talking to women, job interviews). Other than that, nope. A trick is to look at their eyebrows. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/96 "2013-03-30T00:53:20Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Whatever you do, don’t overcorrect like I did once. People don’t like it when you lock them in a wide-eyed death stare. Also, remember to blink. I found this out the hard way. Also if you start silently mouthing the word ‘orgasm’ while making extended eye contact that works against you too. Especially on job interviews. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/97 "2013-03-30T01:01:01Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Actually, I don’t think that’s a stupid guess. Lack of eye-contact _is_ a sign of lack of honesty. Like when they ask you the, “What are your weaknesses,” question. I would suppose that if you are not making eye-contact while answering that, then it could be looked at as lack of honesty. No its not. A true con man will look you in the eye while you are busy avoiding the introvert who doesn’t make eye contact. This isn’t a debate between people with terrible social skills vs those with amazing social skills that can be pigeonholed based on how much eye contact is made. It is, in my view, a debate between people who don’t like the intimacy of eye contact with strangers vs people who are ok with that and are relying on a myth of eye contact. People think averted eye contact signifies dishonesty and lack of self confidence. But most people also believe earning more money, being famous or finding a romantic partner will make them happy. None of that is true either. > **[Eye Contact: The Myths About Lying; The Truth About Deepening Your Love!](http://truthinthelaw.blogspot.com/2011/06/eye-contact-myths-about-lying-truth.html)** > > This week I was confronted, once again, with the old myth about lack of eye contact being indicative of deception. Someone I know had been i... ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/98 "2013-03-30T02:55:38Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > This isn’t a debate between people with terrible social skills vs those with amazing social skills that can be pigeonholed based on how much eye contact is made. It is, in my view, a debate between people who don’t like the intimacy of eye contact with strangers vs people who are ok with that and are relying on a myth of eye contact. I strongly suspect that the majority of people who have significant problems making eye contact also have trouble with social skills in general. ---
**Author:** ![svd678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@svd678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/svd678)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/99 "2013-03-30T03:22:05Z")
Frylock, are you from NYC? I have heard that eye contact of more than an instant is considered a challenge to fight. (Don’t know whether that’s true.) But someone who grew up there might be strongly conditioned to avoid it. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/100 "2013-03-30T12:59:47Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I strongly suspect that the majority of people who have significant problems making eye contact also have trouble with social skills in general. You can strongly suspect what you like, doesn’t mean it is true. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=6)