# Fucking eye contact **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 28, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209 "2013-03-28T19:53:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/101 "2013-03-30T16:50:21Z")
I’m good at this- I was a musician for a long time and had to learn how to schmooze. Eye contact says “I’m accepting you, not shutting you out. I’m sympathetic, I acknowledge you, be a part of the group.” I was a dorky kid, I had to learn all of this as a skill. You’re unusually smart, **Frylock** , so I bet you could do it too. Don’t go for tricks like looking at their eyebrows. Look 'em right in the eye. I try to ‘read’ people in this way and play off what I see. More generally it is about your demeanor. What effects can you project? Creepy, angry, smart, dumb- all kinds of things. Try to work out what actions create what effects and then try to do it on purpose. Watch actors- they are especially good at acting comfortable and cool in interviews and what-have-you. They are in make up and wardrobe though- most of them aren’t better looking or smarter than us, they just know what they are doing and go for it. You know who is really good at this? [Melissa](http://video.cnbc.com/gallery/?play=1&video=3000157557) [Lee](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxGbhw5xe-s). Don’t you just want to buy her coffee and listen to her tell you about hedges, derivatives, buybacks, dividends and the rest? Yeah, there is a reason she got that job. So try to imitate her, or find some other ‘eye contact and demeanor guru’ to try to imitate. Yup, it is kind of acting, but it isn’t _lying_ because body language doesn’t usually have content in a way that can be construed as true/false, so don’t worry about it. It is just socially trying to create an image, a vibe, to make people comfortable. A little eye contact is part of that. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/103 "2013-03-30T19:37:01Z")
> [@Lord\_Baelish](#): > > P.S. - Please, if you’re going to respond, don’t bless me. I don’t want it. Come on, stop being so grumpy. 😃 Accept her blessings. I don’t have anything atheists (although I am a theist), but these kinds of extreme reactions like, “Don’t bless me, :mad:” or “Take that, ‘In God we Trust,’ off our dollar bill,” etc bother me. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/104 "2013-03-30T20:09:54Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Come on, stop being so grumpy. 😃 Accept her blessings. > > I don’t have anything atheists (although I am a theist), but these kinds of extreme reactions like, “Don’t bless me, :mad:” or “Take that, ‘In God we Trust,’ off our dollar bill,” etc bother me. Good for you. But to me, it comes across as bat-shit crazy and holier-than-thou rolled up into one. The silly woman needs to invest in a prayer closet and then lock herself in it. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/105 "2013-03-30T20:14:12Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Come on, stop being so grumpy. 😃 Accept her blessings. I take 'em, then sell them to Satan, who weaves them into potholders for handling souls of the damned. ---
**Author:** ![James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac8455/32.png) [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Otto_Sweet_Heart)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/106 "2013-03-30T20:23:16Z")
> [@Lord\_Baelish](#): > > Please, if you’re going to respond, don’t bless me. I don’t want it. If you don’t want to be wished well, what do you want people to do, wish nothing but bad on you? God bless you always!!! Holly ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/107 "2013-03-30T20:34:59Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Come on, stop being so grumpy. 😃 Accept her blessings. > > I don’t have anything atheists (although I am a theist), but these kinds of extreme reactions like, “Don’t bless me, :mad:” or “Take that, ‘In God we Trust,’ off our dollar bill,” etc bother me. But this posters “blessings” are aggressively insincere. ---
**Author:** ![James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac8455/32.png) [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Otto_Sweet_Heart)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/108 "2013-03-30T20:57:28Z")
^^^ I mean every word of my blessings, no matter how much a person I am talking to does not agree with me. 🙂 🙂 🙂 God bless you always!!! Holly P.S. I just now noticed that Lord Baelish has been banned and all that they have left so far was five messages. If its okay to ask, why? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/109 "2013-03-30T21:46:24Z")
The real question is how you’re still here. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/110 "2013-03-30T22:02:30Z")
> [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](#): > > If you don’t want to be wished well, what do you want people to do, wish nothing but bad on you? > God bless you always!!! > Holly How about do nothing and respect someone’s simple request. In civilized society, doing something/saying something to someone that they have requested you do not is generally considered rude. No explanation required to make the simple request. If you choose to be rude, that’s on you. Whether you think what you do has value is irrelevant when someone tells you it bothers them. It’s something most learn in elementary school- how to interact politely in society. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/111 "2013-03-30T23:43:13Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > But this posters “blessings” are aggressively insincere. Did you get this from the fact that she never meets your eyes while saying it? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac8455/32.png) [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Otto_Sweet_Heart)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/112 "2013-03-31T00:19:24Z")
^^^ How do you know that I don’t look people in the eye when I say it? > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > The real question is how you’re still here. Only the people in charge of this place can answer that and I believe that one of them already has in the past. > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > How about do nothing and respect someone’s simple request. How about respecting my freedom of speech by not saying anything? God bless you three and those in charge of this forum always!!! Holly ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/113 "2013-03-31T00:25:00Z")
> [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](#): > > ^^^ How do you know that I don’t look people in the eye when I say it? > Only the people in charge of this place can answer that and I believe that one of them already has in the past. > How about respecting my freedom of speech by not saying anything? > God bless you three and those in charge of this forum always!!! > Holly Again, you are right that you have the freedom to say it. However, you also have the freedom to be judged a jerk when choosing to exercise that freedom to the dismay of others. You seem to think it’s about rights. It’s not. It’s about character and plain good manners. Your actions communicate much more than your words ever do. ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/114 "2013-03-31T00:33:54Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I teach at the University level. And I know that students think I’m a good teacher–they tell each other and other professors this all the time, outside of my presence. (And I hear about it later…) I’ve literally never had a negative comment, except that I talk too fast sometimes, and even that was written in an affectionately semi-jocular tone. So eye contact or no, my students at least _think_ I’m teaching them, challenging them, and caring about their progress etc. > > But anyway, yeah I know I will need to work on this. Maybe in the future if I can get over the eye contact thing, it will even help me through that first week or two of students asking what the heck I’m on about. (They warm up to me later. 😉 ) If you have any tendency to shyness or discomfort in social situations it’s tough to look someone in the eye. Especially when they are the key to you getting the job. It’s … hard to ask, you know? Sometimes you have to psych yourself up for it. I was in a terrible job that was not going to get better, ever, and I decided it was time to get a new one. And I called the headhunter and they sent me over to a place. As I stood outside the building getting ready to go in I thought “I really want to work somewhere else. Maybe I want to work here.” I knew I didn’t want to go back to the old place. This was on a Monday; over the weekend we had seen (for the umpteenth time) _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. And I thought “How would Dr. Frankenfurter handle this situation?” And I stood up straight and strutted into that office and fucking INTERVIEWED for that job. Like a lot of musicians in real life I’m kinda quiet and shy. When on stage I can be bigger. But during the day, etc., no. But I channeled Tim Curry and just went for it. Smiled, shook hands, confident. Upbeat. Happy, even. I figured the worst thing they could say is 'No." Actually the worst thing they could have said is “SECURITY!” But what the hell, you got to try. They made me an offer on the spot. So put on your garter belt and give it a shot next time. Practice a little. Do it in the mirror. Let yourself feel foolish, let yourself be embarrassed. Be outrageous! They can’t kill you and they can’t eat you. Go in there and get the gig. 🙂 Hope this helps. Jenny ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/115 "2013-03-31T00:42:34Z")
I didn’t read the whole thread, so maybe someone suggested it already, but I hate looking people in the eye, so I usually look at their mouth. Most people doesn’t seem to notice, including job-interviewers, atleast when I’ve had an interview. I look straight at their mouth and sometimes glance at their eyes or forehead, then flick my eyes at the surroundings when it seems appropriate. I do this all the time, personally too. I hate looking directly into peoples eyes. No one seems to notice, unless I tell them. ---
**Author:** ![James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac8455/32.png) [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Otto_Sweet_Heart)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/116 "2013-03-31T00:55:28Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Again, you are right that you have the freedom to say it. However, you also have the freedom to be judged a jerk when choosing to exercise that freedom to the dismay of others. > > You seem to think it’s about rights. It’s not. It’s about character and plain good manners. > > Your actions communicate much more than your words ever do. **This also goes for a person every time that they choose to swear.** God bless you always!!! Holly ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/117 "2013-03-31T01:20:20Z")
> [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](#): > > **This also goes for a person every time that they choose to swear.** > God bless you always!!! > Holly Sure. And if you directly ask them not to swear at you and they continue to, then you certainly can think they’re being rude. But that’s deflecting the conversation away from what you did. Why do you think fairness and kindness should not be expected to be given and received? People can even be sorry for something they did if they didn’t realize it would hurt someone. Expressing regret over hurting someone is rarely a bad thing. However, you were asked directly (and without swearing) to not bless someone and you chose to do it anyway because you wanted you. You chose to put your feelings over someone else’s feelings. You did that. And you sound proud of it. It is those actions by which I choose to judge you. You chose not to care. You. ---
**Author:** ![James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac8455/32.png) [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Otto_Sweet_Heart)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/118 "2013-03-31T01:37:32Z")
^^^ I am not going to stop doing what I believe is the **right** thing to do…and that is care about those that I choose to have anything to do with…no matter how it is that they feel about me in return. God bless you always!!! Holly ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/119 "2013-03-31T01:40:09Z")
> [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](#): > > ^^^ I am not going to stop doing what I believe is a **good** thing…no matter how other people look at it. > God bless you always!!! > Holly Right. You just proved my point. Other people’s feelings are irrelevant. That’s the attitude of a child. Just don’t pretend you’re a nice person. Nice people do care about others feelings. QED. ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/120 "2013-03-31T01:49:34Z")
* * * > [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](#): > > **This also goes for a person every time that they choose to swear.** > God bless you always!!! > Holly \*\*Moderator/Administrator note: \*\* Whoa! When did this thread get to be about you? There’s other posts of this nature in this thread where you are hijacking/taking over … trolling, even. Your posting privileges are now under consideration by the staff. We will get back to you. In the meantime we would appreciate everyone else holding their opinions and etc on this until we have resolved the situation. TubaDiva Administrator ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/121 "2013-03-31T01:51:20Z")
Will do. Sorry to have added to the hijack. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=7)