# Fucking eye contact **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 28, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209 "2013-03-28T19:53:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![yawuntz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a5b964/32.png) [@yawuntz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yawuntz)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/122 "2013-03-31T02:53:59Z")
I had a bad case of this starting in my late teens. I’d wonder: what am I supposed to do? Stare into people’s eyes? Stare at their eyebrows, etc.? Folks find that to be way off-putting, intimidating, as was mentioned. Look briefly, look away, return? Trying to figure out how to look at people was part of the problem, which was: standing outside of myself and observing, and critiquing, my actions. The attention and effort required to direct yourself and coach yourself, serve only to divert you from your real task - listening to, and understanding, your interlocutor. And talking to them. If you concentrate on the discussion at hand, you’ll be busy enough processing what they have to say, and formulating your reply, that you won’t have time to - trip yourself up with minutiae, like - what part of the person should I be staring at? For how long? Stop thinking about it. There you have it! Only how how are you supposed to stop thinking about something that stresses you? Easy, think about something else, like - _what are we talking about_ ? what is the interviewer saying? Seems to me that eye contact is all about looking to see if they have understood what you’ve had to say, looking for confirmation of that; and looking at them to help you focus on the meaning of what they’re trying to say. It’s like the Centipede’s Dilemma: you already know how to do this, but you’ve become caught up, entangled, in inconsequential details like, how do I look, how _ought_ I to look, etc., and forgetting about the real issue - what the hell are we talking about? Timothy Gallwey explained this all wonderfully well in The Inner Game of Tennis, aeons ago. Well, way back in the last century anyway. \*In every human endeavor there are two arenas of engagement: the outer and the inner. The outer game is played on an external arena to overcome external obstacles to reach an external goal. The inner game takes place within the mind of the player and is played against such obstacles as fear, self-doubt, lapses in focus, and limiting concepts or assumptions. The inner game is played to overcome the self-imposed obstacles that prevent an individual or team from accessing their full potential. \* > **[Timothy Gallwey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Gallwey)** > > W. Timothy Gallwey (born 1938 in San Francisco) is an author who has written a series of books in which he has set forth a methodology for coaching and for the development of personal and professional excellence in a variety of fields that he calls "the Inner Game". Since he began writing in the 1970s, his books include The Inner Game of Tennis, The Inner Game of Golf, The Inner Game of Music (with Barry Green), Inner Skiing and The Inner Game of Work. Gallwey's seminal work is The Inner Game of... What Timmy was saying iirc, was that you stand in the way of your own genius, or competence at any rate, by entertaining all sorts of doubts, second-guessing yourself and wasting your time thereby, rather than just getting on with the business at hand. To that end, he advised his protégés to look at the seam on the ball, or take note of the color of the ball, while executing their shot. I read about this, tried it out, and - it’s simply fucking amazing. Seriously. In the context of the interview, it’s simply not going to work to just try to remember a series of strategies to overcome a nervous tic or whatever. Relax and enjoy it. The convo I mean. They can’t kill you after all, all they can do is tell you to F.O. If you can accept that, then maybe you can forget about what you look like, how your performance is being critiqued and so on, and deal with the real thing - the exchange of information, with each of you looking to one another for cues as to how the ideas are being communicated and understood. The result is often nothing more or less than a pleasant, meaningful conversation. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/123 "2013-03-31T03:03:30Z")
I had nuns for most of my school career. You had BETTER be looking them in the eye when they speak, or else. (I think they might have hung you up on the cross with that other guy if you didn’t.) Anyway, that learned me! Now, however, if I am attending a lecture or seminar, my gaze sometimes seems to make the speaker uncomfortable. Blame Sister Holy Innocent!!! ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/124 "2013-03-31T04:46:28Z")
> [@James\_Otto\_Sweet\_Heart](#): > > ^^^ How do you know that I don’t look people in the eye when I say it? My eyes are up here. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/125 "2013-03-31T07:46:00Z")
> [@Gleena](#): > > Bolding added. > > So long as it’s not my tits, at least in an interview situation. > > Yes, this has happened. > > Ew. > [@Beastly\_Rotter](#): > > My eyes are up here. I interviewed for a job at Playboy. I turned it down because it would not be at their offices in River North where I interviewed, but out in the burbs. But every office has original artwork that had been commissioned for the magazine. I remembered several pieces from various articles. That job interview wasn’t a problem because there plenty of _other_ tits to look at. Interestingly, every single person I talked to at Playboy was a woman. They have a problem hiring men do to the jealous wife or girlfriend factor. ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2013, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/126 "2013-03-31T22:52:27Z")
> [@TubaDiva](#): > > …They can’t kill you and they can’t eat you. Go in there and get the gig. :)… That’s what they said to my Great Great Grandfather when he applied to be a missionary in Papua New Guinea… ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2013, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/127 "2013-04-01T05:17:37Z")
Yah, if the interviewer’s first question is, “Tell me, Frylock, are you the kind of person who wants to… _serve mankind_?”, maybe don’t make eye contact and get out of there. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2013, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/128 "2013-04-01T07:44:00Z")
**Frylock** , I wouldn’t necessarily see it as such a huge problem either. Sometimes, I will deliberately avoid eye contact with others, and I will notice them make an effort to get me to look at them. It’s passive-aggressive, but it can actually work out in your favor. The interview is unique because it’s relatively face to face with minimal distraction. However, it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. I would suggest bringing props along to take some of the attention off of yourself. For example, in my last interview, I talked about my old job and asked if I could use her computer to show her the website. I navigated her through it and showed her the company I used to work for. There wasn’t much eye contact going on but I still think she was impressed. Compensate, my friend. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2013, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/129 "2013-04-01T18:24:51Z")
With interviews and eye contact, I sort of psych myself up and just do it. Before I walk in I think to myself “it’s showtime!” I used to think about it too much, going “I haven’t made eye contact in awhile.” A minute later I would start thinking “Blink dammit blink!” I once had a phone interview with an Australian company. Because of the time difference, they asked if we could interview in the evening, which was fine with me. A week later my phone rang and it hit me, I had completely forgotten about the interview, and, I was already a couple of pints in to an evening at the pub. I did the interview in the parking lot and they absolutely loved me. Did a few more interviews and didn’t get the position, but they did comment they felt personality-wise I would be a great fit…so, might I suggest alcohol…😉 This [comic](http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2006/8/23/how-to-fake-a-smile.html) discusses fake smiling, but it’s kind of appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/130 "2013-04-01T20:24:36Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > (this coming from a guy who sobs like a baby when Mufasa dies in the Lion King) What the hell?! Haven’t you heard of spoiler boxes? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/131 "2013-04-02T00:57:32Z")
I stopped looking people in the eyes for decades to make them less uncomfortable due to my ticks. Recently I’ve started staring them in the eyes again since it’s supposed to disadvantage you if you don’t and now they get to look away first. I’m enjoying intimidating them again. Enjoy the twitches bitches. I now own you. ---
**Author:** ![Doughbag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Doughbag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doughbag)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/132 "2013-04-02T16:57:06Z")
Just look at the person you are talking to – if you cannot or will not look into their eyes - it just makes you look weird. This does not mean stare at them, which will also makes you look weird – and most likely scary. If you cannot look them in the eyes, you must be hiding something, lying or just have some other personality dysfunction. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/133 "2013-04-02T17:16:34Z")
> [@Doughbag](#): > > If you cannot look them in the eyes, you must be hiding something, lying or just have some other personality dysfunction. The bright side of that is, it make it less likely to be hired by the douchebags who hold that kind of preconception. Win/win. ---
**Author:** ![Doughbag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Doughbag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doughbag)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/134 "2013-04-02T23:20:09Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > The bright side of that is, it make it less likely to be hired by the douchebags who hold that kind of preconception. Win/win. It sure is. ---
**Author:** ![Fuji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Fuji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/135 "2013-04-03T14:10:51Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > The bright side of that is, it make it less likely to be hired by the douchebags who hold that kind of preconception. Win/win. Sure - in general, it makes 'em less likely to be hired by _anyone_, not just douchebags. **Doughbag** is right. Not being able to conduct a conversation without drawing attention to your own patterns of absent and/or constant gaze-locking is indeed a “personality dysfunction” (conversely, being able to do so, but deliberately refraining from such is also often indicative of decptive intent). Sorry, weirdos. The world is the way it is. I have my own behavioral domains where I have been consistently judged to be a weirdo myself, so you have a measure of my sympathy. However, merely saying you ain’t a weirdo doesn’t make it so. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/136 "2013-04-03T14:30:29Z")
> [@Fuji](#): > > Sure - in general, it makes 'em less likely to be hired by _anyone_, not just douchebags. > > **Doughbag** is right. Not being able to conduct a conversation without drawing attention to your own patterns of absent and/or constant gaze-locking is indeed a “personality dysfunction” (conversely, being able to do so, but deliberately refraining from such is also often indicative of decptive intent). Someone above posted a link which refers to a finding that people trying to decieve are _more_ likely to make eye contact, not less. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/137 "2013-04-03T15:02:11Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Someone above posted a link which refers to a finding that people trying to decieve are _more_ likely to make eye contact, not less. It’s a common misconception that avoiding eye contact is an indicator of a deceitful personality. It’s not quite the same thing as checking eye contact when being questioned about a particular matter, it can be a ‘tell’ in that case. In my case I had to learn to maintain eye contact to avoid that misimpression, I think the cause of it is my ADDish nature, maintaining eye contact was distracting until I practiced and got used to it. But I’m not really maintaining eye contact, I’m faking it as I described previously. And I’m annoyed by people who overdo it, as you mentioned earlier I think, it seems aggressive (or manipulative) to lock your eyes on someone else’s. ---
**Author:** ![Doughbag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Doughbag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doughbag)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/138 "2013-04-03T15:17:36Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Someone above posted a link which refers to a finding that people trying to decieve are _more_ likely to make eye contact, not less. What is actually happening and what people perceive of happening may be different. Nowhere am I saying, that when you are making eye contact, that you are not lying…. Of cos, this is what people do and the better you are at lying the more “normal” you appear or try to appear to get away with it, which includes making eye contact. I can tell you for a fact, if my wife asks me: \*“Where you at training today and that’s why your late again home!” \* I look as blasé as possible at her and simply say: _“no, darling – I had no time, I wanted to go there, but… work – you know”_… she believes me….. and that is me very well knowing that I just had 1-2 hours of training behind me and wanting nothing else but food, water and crash on the couch. However, we can proceed on just having that and have a nice evening. Now, not looking calmly at my wife and not making eye contact… avoiding her… not being able to make eye contact when I actually lie to her (or just blatantly tell her that I was at training) … will at least waste a hour of our evening arguing about how everything else is more important than spending time with her – and yes, she herself is just home for 10-15 min herself in which she made herself a coffee and made phone calls to her friends and sister…etc. …. which is not really spending time with me either. However, she likes the fact though that I lost 20+ pounds magically in the last 2 months, with once or twice training during the week. Why my wife is ok with my arrival time, after I just lied to her, since she is not stupid and very well knows that I was just in training, is beyond me. ---
**Author:** ![Fuji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Fuji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/139 "2013-04-03T16:02:58Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Someone above posted a link which refers to a finding that people trying to decieve are _more_ likely to make eye contact, not less. Fail. I explicitly referred to this situation in my post, and also further qualified my position by using the qualifier “often”. > [@Fuji](#): > > Sure - in general, it makes 'em less likely to be hired by _anyone_, not just douchebags. > > **Doughbag** is right. Not being able to conduct a conversation without drawing attention to your own patterns of absent and/or **constant gaze-locking** is indeed a “personality dysfunction” (conversely, being able to do so, but deliberately refraining from such is also **often** indicative of decptive intent). > > Sorry, weirdos. The world is the way it is. I have my own behavioral domains where I have been consistently judged to be a weirdo myself, so you have a measure of my sympathy. However, merely saying you ain’t a weirdo doesn’t make it so. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/140 "2013-04-03T16:17:32Z")
> [@Fuji](#): > > Fail. > > I explicitly referred to this situation in my post, Not in connection with deception. > [@](#): > > and also further qualified my position by using the qualifier “often”. This doesn’t seem relevant. I don’t presume you mean “always,” I understand you mean “often.” But your saying that only has significance if, by saying the one is often accompanied by the other, you mean to say there’s a causal connection between the two. In other words, that one is a reliable (even if not perfect) indicator of the other. If that’s not what you mean for me to take away from what you wrote, then I’m at a loss as to what I was supposed to take away from it. My point was that if what I read in the link is correct, then there’s not support even for any such reliable-though-not-perfect causal connection. Eye contact does not lower the probability of deception–it raises it. If that’s so, then pointing out that lack of eye contact “often” accompanies deception doesn’t tell me anything useful at all that I can see. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209/141 "2013-04-03T16:40:40Z")
If the majority of a culture thinks gaze avoidance is a sign of deceit, you are giving a sign of deceit to the majority of a culture. As I said way up thread, it’s not as much about deceit to me (when I was giving interviews) as it was attention and respect. A common thing you see around here (LA) is for people to look right past or through homeless people or panhandlers. They just act like they can’t see them. _That’s_ one of the impressions I get if I’m giving you an interview and you don’t meet my eyes. I think a host of things, none of which are positives for a job. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fucking-eye-contact/654209.md?page=8)