# Fun Squad Leader Searches for Bodyguard - Apply within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853 "2001-07-01T16:00:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/21 "2001-07-02T01:22:57Z")
Oo. StephenG. I’m gonna make ya an offer you cannot refuse 😃 Stephen, you’re now officially my Right Hand Man Fenris, darling, you know you want me. Ooooh yeah. Mobius74 - how about you drop by the imperial palace. We can explore the fourth dimension together. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Turbo\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@Turbo\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turbo_Dog)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/22 "2001-07-02T01:36:40Z")
Protector against rancid cheesecake? Oh baby, with me around, no cheesecake will ever live long enough to turn bad! I am the perfect one for the job! Of course, my boy toy days will be limited if there are a lot of cheescakes to protect:) Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan… Apparently you are the sweetest:) ---
**Author:** ![Sterra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Sterra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterra)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/23 "2001-07-02T02:12:34Z")
The sweetest cheesecake? ---
**Author:** ![A\_Friend\_of\_the\_Devil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f0a364/32.png) [@A\_Friend\_of\_the\_Devil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A_Friend_of_the_Devil)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/24 "2001-07-02T02:56:08Z")
Submitted for your approval… My dear, you look quite worn out tonight. A tough day, no doubt, beating down **Fenris’s** minions. However, now is the time to work all of those tensions out of your body and mind. Relax, remove most of your clothing, and lay down on these cushions on the floor while I get the materials ready… ( **Elenfair** wearily strips off what little she is wearing, while I retire to the kitchen to warm a bottle of baby oil in a pan of water on the stove)(returns to room when done) Ahh, you’re ready. Now relax and let your mind go blank for the next hour while I rub those cares away… (Proceeds to perform a deep, relaxing full-body massage from the tips of the toes to the top of the shoulders - both sides. Ocassional groans and purrs of contentment. Finishes with **Elenfair** laying on her back while recieving a prolonged and relaxing massage of the temples and neck muscles.) There, we’re just about done. Now just wait for a moment and I’ll draw your bath. (Retires to the sumptuous bathroom to fill the oversize tub with medium hot water, dim the lights to a tolerable brightness, and set the music to a level that can just barely be heard)(Return to massage room) OK, we’re ready. (Guides **Elenfair** to the tub, helps her in and brings a glass of wine and a really, really raunchy romance novel) Let me know when you’re done, and I’ll come in to help you out and towel you off. (Returns later to find **Elenfair** starting to doze off in the tub. Helps her out, applies a brisk towelling to dry her off. Guides her to the bedroom, helps her on with nightshirt and panties. Tucks her into bed. Last act, before leaving the room, is to pull the plug on the alarm clock) Sleep well, my dear. End of submission (now, there’s a double entendre if I ever saw one) I’m leaving tonight on a weeks vacation, **Elenfair** , so you’ll have to let me know next Saturday if I’m in the running. Sorry, **Fenris** , but I’ve got this real weakness for gorgeous redheads… Further note for the guys out there… Do a little substitution. Couch cushions with a sheet over them placed on the floor work well. Reading material is optional and can be adjusted to suit the recipient’s taste. The entire procedure is worth many, many points in the book… ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/25 "2001-07-02T03:00:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by StephenG \* > \*\*\ ***StephenG** , dressed in a dark shade, sneaks into the room on cat-like tread. He removes a sap from his belt, cold-cocks Fenris, and then ties him up in clothesline. > > The Man in Black drags the tied-up menace to the lovely\* **Elenfair** , and props him up. > > In a calm voice, he says\* “Y’want I should do anyt’ing wit dis guy, yer ladyship?” > [sub]\*I’d say “fair”, but that just sounds so redunant.[/sub] \*\* Ha! That wasn’t _ME_ you hit, you fool! It was the Supreme Leader himself! You just bashed the big boss! PFFFffffT! Freedom Loving Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/26 "2001-07-02T03:08:07Z")
Oh A Friend of the Devil… _swoon_ Oo. You’re hired, bay-bee. A Friend of the Devil, you are now officially the Primary Consort to Elenfair, the Fearless Happy Fun Squad Leader. 🙂 Congrats. Yay for me. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/27 "2001-07-02T03:59:26Z")
☹ :::sniff::: I am an anonymous member of the Happy Fun Squad then I suppose, being as I have no official title? Ouch. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/28 "2001-07-02T11:21:45Z")
Oh ladyfox, of course you get one. I just had to get my beauty sleep. 🙂 You shall be my official Happy Fun Squad Mistress of Glee. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/29 "2001-07-02T18:04:23Z")
I am all smiles and happiness right now. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/30 "2001-07-02T18:28:35Z")
Do not taunt **Happy Fun Squad**. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/31 "2001-07-02T18:38:08Z")
:eek: Who, meeee? (Tring to imagine how anything I’ve said can be perceived as taunting) Nope, can’t figure it out. Now, _smiles_ everybody! ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/32 "2001-07-02T18:53:13Z")
Oh dantheman, I have taught you well. 😃 Glad you’re a happy member of the Happy Fun Squad, ladyfoxfyre. We’re glad to have you. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/33 "2001-07-02T22:09:12Z")
Well, I’m an enormous lumbering freak. I do things that should, by all the laws of nature kill me and come out without a scratch (Hence, ‘Mnementh’s Big Book o’ Horror Stories). I’m basically huge and invincible. 😃 I make good at destroying stuff, lifting really heavy things, and smashing people to paste. Oh, and I collect and use swords. Downside is I’m as slow as a frozen brick. But I too will work for meat and beer! ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/34 "2001-07-02T22:12:55Z")
Oh goodie! A young male to help out! Wonderful! Must I get rid of an opponent before I can turn you into a groveling slave? ::::batts eyelashes:::: Elly, who is just back from an improv match, and did splendidly. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/35 "2001-07-03T05:11:46Z")
Whew! **Mnementh** ::fans herself lightly:: Can I have him? Pleeeeease??!? ---
**Author:** ![StephenG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7feea3/32.png) [@StephenG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StephenG)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2001, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/36 "2001-07-06T02:05:58Z")
[sub][An angel prompts **StephenG** to check the forgotten thread…][/sub] > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > Ha! That wasn’t _ME_ you hit, you fool! It was the Supreme Leader himself! > > You just bashed the big boss! > > PFFFffffT! > \*\* **Doh!** How could I be so _stupid_?? Of all the hare-brained, goat-kissing, wool-headed things to do… Waiddaminnit! The Supreme Leader is omniscient! And omnivisient! And omnimax! He sees all, knows all, and is the coolest! He wouldn’t let anything like that happen to him… Soooooooooo … if I confused you for him, but that wasn’t him, and I was confused because the facial features were hidden, and it’s not you and it’s not him in front of the shapely **Elenfair** , that leaves only one question … Who was that strange, masked man? ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2001, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/37 "2001-07-06T02:20:15Z")
\*\*Takes his place by **Elenfair** ’s side, crossing his arms and looking down at anyone nearby with a glare that says ‘Mess with her and you die’. He says not a word, ever, remaining loyal to his mistress’ every will. He does, however, shoot occasional ‘oohh, la la…’ glaces at the **Lady FoxFyre** \*\* ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/38 "2001-07-08T07:21:05Z")
_Winks at **Mnementh** and promises never to mess with **Elenfair** , except if he promises to punish me_ 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/39 "2001-07-08T16:02:17Z")
I got a few perks if yer interested: Currently Anti-Terrorism Point of Contact for my organization. Certified on the M-16 and M-9. Have working experience with explosive devices, both safing and employment. Fairly good looking. I work for beer as well. Tripler I work best with two beers. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853/40 "2001-07-08T16:14:20Z")
Tripler, most of the Happy Fun Squad Protection Team positions have been filled. Here’s a copy of the Kama Sutra, with post-it notes indicating which ones haven’t. Hope you’re flexible. 😃 Elly [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-squad-leader-searches-for-bodyguard-apply-within/70853.md?page=3)