# Fun things to do in church **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 28, 2000, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007 "2000-08-28T05:33:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/1 "2000-08-28T05:33:13Z")
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: “If you’re bad in here, you’ll go to Hell.” Put stray dogs in coat closets. Un-tune the piano. Replace the pianist’s sheet music with “Stairway to Heaven”. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: “Is this seat SAVED?” Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:“Would you rather be stoned or crucified?” Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. Start a wave. Do cool things with the lighting. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like “Hugh G. Rection” and “Oliver Klozoff”. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: “Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?” Make up your own words to the songs. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: “Oh shit. This isn’t the wedding!” Run out quickly. Eat dry Cap’n Crunch through the entire service. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: “IF YOU DON’T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I’LL KILL IT!!!” Dress all in black, or in camo. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of “fire and brimstone”, throw it in. Inflate balloons, then send them off. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher’s face. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you’re doing, tell them: “These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago.” Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson’s MasterCard number. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: “This do in remembrance of me” and lick them. Fart, and have a friend shout: “Hark! An angel has spoken!” Blow bubbles. Fake a possession. Distribute condoms. Speak in tongues. Ask where the nearest ashtray is. Drool in the collection plate. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word “Ministry”. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor. Write on the bathroom wall: “The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!” Spread the word that there’ll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight. ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/2 "2000-08-28T06:00:28Z")
You’re so _baaaaaaaad_! LOL! Thanks, dear. I needed that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/3 "2000-08-28T06:13:35Z")
So, Dave, are we to assume that you’re not a big church-going guy? ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/4 "2000-08-28T06:22:11Z")
I personally like to wear my tee shirt that says “In Heaven there is no beer…so just forget it.” ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/5 "2000-08-28T06:31:20Z")
Dear Lord… Please forgive this man for the words he has written, I humbly ask that you demonstrate mercy on his soul and do not condemn him to the fiery pits of hell for this and his many other transgressions. I pray that he will repent his wicked ways. Okay, I’m just kidding. I could write Santa and put in a good word for you though… ---
**Author:** ![Monster104](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Monster104](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monster104)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/6 "2000-08-28T06:46:04Z")
If the service uses pre-written prayers, take it and replace them with your own prayers like “Oh lord, who art in heaven, is it open all night like 7-11?”. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/7 "2000-08-28T14:03:34Z")
One that I did as a kid: Remove the staples from the hymnal books. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/8 "2000-08-28T14:24:54Z")
Or you could do what I did when I was 15. Make sure you get a seat in the row directly behind Jana W\*\*\*s so, when everybody has to stand, you can stare at the the most beautiful ass ever attached to a girl. Think carnal thoughts about that ass. Daydream about that ass. _Covet that ass!_ ---
**Author:** ![SuperNelson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7feea3/32.png) [@SuperNelson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuperNelson)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/9 "2000-08-28T17:30:09Z")
Sit in the back so Mom can drag you out if you misbehave. Occasionally drop marbles or Hot Wheels on the slanted wooden floor. Look innocent while the whole congregation listens to it roll down to the front. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/10 "2000-08-28T17:44:55Z")
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I nominate it for “Threadspotting.” > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by weirddave \* > **Replace the pianist’s sheet music with “Stairway to Heaven”.** When Bart Simpson did it, he used “In the Garden of Eden.” > [@](#): > > **Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.** Actually, it would seem more like a Dodger game. > [@](#): > > **Dress all in black, or in camo.** How about wearing a Halloween (witch or Satan) costume. To the Christmas party. When the pastor asks everyone to open their Bibles, reverently pull out your copy of Darwin’s _On the Origin of Species_. On any Sunday between September and December, at just the right moment, stand up, wave a radio (or small TV) and yell, “Praise Jesus! TOUCHDOWN!!” Wear a T-shirt that says, “Jesus and the disciples were gay.” OR “Mary was a slut. She slept with God on their first date.” (I think I just found a new sig line!) ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/11 "2000-08-28T18:26:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jab1 \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by weirddave \* > > **Replace the pianist’s sheet music with “Stairway to Heaven”.** > > When Bart Simpson did it, he used “In the Garden of Eden.” > \*\* The song is actually called “In a Godda Da Vida” by (as read by Rev. Lovejoy) I. Ron Butterfly ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/12 "2000-08-28T18:36:32Z")
Or do what my dad did nearly every Sunday. Set the alarm on your watch for 30 minutes at the beginning of the sermon. When the alarm goes off thirty minutes later, look at the minister (who will no doubt be looking at you) and nod. My dad had our minister trained to a half-hour sermon in under two months. Pissed everyone else off. The whole pew full of our family–aside from mom in the choir–did our best not to laugh out loud. Of course dad never cracked a smile. When mom used to berate him about it, he’d just tell her that he always felt God had a good sense of humor. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/13 "2000-08-28T18:47:18Z")
Replace the communion wine with tinted high-octane vodka. If you’re the church organist (I was), change keys every stanza to keep the choir on its toes. Find the button for the electric chimes and ring it halfway through Mass so everyone thinks it’s time to go. Set your cell phone off during the boring parts and pretend to talk to your broker. Heck, call your broker during the boring parts. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/14 "2000-08-28T18:55:17Z")
If someone starts coughing, say very loudly, "That’s what when you take Communion without making a full Confession. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/15 "2000-08-28T18:59:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by screech-owl \* > \*\*If someone starts coughing, say very loudly, "That’s what when you take Communion without making a full Confession. \*\* Should be: "If someone starts coughing, say very loudly, “That’s what \*\* happens \*\* when you take Communion without making a full Confession.” Stupid stitches. Stupid backspace. :mad: Not an omen. If so, the stitches would have popped. Right? ---
**Author:** ![KimKatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ac91a4/32.png) [@KimKatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KimKatt)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/16 "2000-08-28T19:07:16Z")
Thanks Dave - I needed the laugh today 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/17 "2000-08-28T21:49:52Z")
Or, you can do what me and a buddy did. You have to have a partner and you have to be in the choir. Position yourselves so that you’re on either side of your intended target. During a part of the service when you’re sitting down, both of you work your feet over to where his robe is on the ground and pin it there. The next time the choir has to stand up, you two arise perfectly, while your mark flops back down in his chair. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2000, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/18 "2000-08-29T00:22:34Z")
The Priest asked the Sunday School kids to “Name things that come from God.” My idiot brother Tommy said: “Godzilla.” OOOOH! He got his ass **whipped** when he got home! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2000, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/19 "2000-08-29T01:04:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rysdad \* > \*\*Or you could do what I did when I was 15. > > Make sure you get a seat in the row directly behind Jana W\*\*\*s so, when everybody has to stand, you can stare at the the most beautiful ass ever attached to a girl. Think carnal thoughts about that ass. Daydream about that ass. > > _Covet that ass!_ \*\* Fifteen?!?! Hell, that’s the main reason I go to church these days, and I’m 28! Lots of very pretty women at my church… heh heh. ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2000, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007/20 "2000-08-29T01:46:43Z")
I’m a Methodist… we do all those things anyway. 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fun-things-to-do-in-church/31007.md?page=2)