# Funeral Home Etiquette (a bit serious, though) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 13, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594 "2010-11-13T21:36:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/21 "2010-11-14T18:20:12Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > I’ll be a dissenting voice on the clothes, and I’ll probably get lambasted for it. Unless you’re poverty-stricken, there’s no reason not to have one outfit that’s appropriate for a serious occasion such as a funeral. I’m hoping **Mahaloth** simply didn`t mention that most of the people improperly dressed were very young. Unlikely, sure, but I could give a complete pass to young people dressing like that, even the cap. For adults it’s just ridiculously disrespectful. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/22 "2010-11-14T19:44:42Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > I’m hoping **Mahaloth** simply didn`t mention that most of the people improperly dressed were very young. Unlikely, sure, but I could give a complete pass to young people dressing like that, even the cap. For adults it’s just ridiculously disrespectful. Right, it was the adults. I swear, the kids were dressed up quite a bit, actually. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/23 "2010-11-14T19:49:49Z")
My rule is simple: Whenever a group of people are assembled for a single purpose, cell phones, texting and games should not be used. PERIOD. And yes, you should dress nicely as a show of respect. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/24 "2010-11-14T20:03:15Z")
The last time I was a pallbearer I wanted to deck one guy. He arrived late because he slept in and was a complete slob. Late as in just before the the service started. Jeans and a tee shirt out of the dirty clothes pile. That shows little respect for the deceased. I just ignored him as he was just a minor distraction in the whole proceedings, that was to honor my friend. I would rather the clueless show up in drag or naked to show respect for the deceased rather than not at all. Everybody mourns in their own way. A side note is I would paint my funeral home in the signal blocking paint if I owned one. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/25 "2010-11-14T23:28:02Z")
Bah I would like dress in conservative attire and my young kids would too but my 19 yo would probably turn up in jeans and high tops. I think even he would take his cap of though. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/26 "2010-11-14T23:42:04Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > Good Christ, people are clods. > > I’ll be a dissenting voice on the clothes, and I’ll probably get lambasted for it. Unless you’re poverty-stricken, there’s no reason not to have one outfit that’s appropriate for a serious occasion such as a funeral. It can be as simple as a pair of khakis and a collared shirt. Appropriate shoes (again, unless you have some sort of foot problem that requires athletic shoes or something). I just don’t buy into the excuse of “This is how I always dress, I want to be comfortable, wah wah wah!” > > Yes, there are exceptions. You just came from work, where you wear a uniform (but you could bring a change of clothes, no?). And whatever other reasons there may be; I don’t have time right now to think up a bunch of plausible exceptions. But I’m willing to bet that most people who show up at funerals in their jeans/T-shirt/sneakers just don’t care about dressing appropriately for the occasion. Yes it’s more important that people show up. But that’s doesn’t mean that (in most cases) they can’t ALSO dress nicely. You don’t have to be a “boardroom-type person” to grok this. > > Flame me if it makes you feel better, but my mind is firm on this. I agree with you. They call it “paying your last respects” for a reason. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/27 "2010-11-14T23:47:40Z")
I can’t find it in myself to get aerated about the clothes. They’re not what I would have chosen for myself, given access to my full wardrobe–on occasion I’ve unexpectedly wound up at a visitation when visiting my parents and had to make do with what I had on hand–but I just can’t get that worked up about clean, intact clothing. Better for someone to wear jeans and behave respectfully than to wear a suit and act like a jackass, imo. But the phone and Nintendo…fuck that shit. Those people should be bludgeoned to death with their own gadgets, lit on fire, put out with piss, and then set on fire again. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/28 "2010-11-14T23:55:57Z")
When my dad died and we had three days for viewings of multiple hours each, I honestly wouldn’t have cared if someone were having sex right in front of me. Seriously, I would have thought, “That looks like more fun than I’m having.” I would rather people go on with their lives than sit around and mope, and the way to show me respect isn’t by putting your life on hold but by grabbing it by the horns. Of course, I detest funerals and find them a burden, so that’s undoubtedly part of it for me. I didn’t have a funeral for my husband for this exact reason. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/29 "2010-11-15T01:28:48Z")
I know it is probably stupid of me to think, but the fact it is such a young girl and a suicide just makes me think people should have had their act together more. I know all deaths may have the same significance to some people, but this one was so shocking and sad, I just expected a bit better from people. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/30 "2010-11-15T01:44:59Z")
The nintendo is the worst. If you’re that bored just leave. You’re being just as rude by staying and playing videogames but the family has to watch you being rude. Texting is also rude. Take it outside. The clothes are borderline. It’s better to dress more appropriately (I wear a suit and tie) but I realize that many people don’t. But at least take off your hat. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/31 "2010-11-15T02:11:51Z")
I too will give leeway on jeans and casual clothing, I’d rather, in a time of bereavement, to have someone come to express sincere sympathies in casual clothes than someone come and pay lip service in Prada. I’d rather have someone come and share a word of comfort with me in casual wear than not give me comfort because they didn’t have time to change, or didn’t have “appropriate” clothes or shoes. As for the caps, I’ve come to the conclusion that the majority of men under age 40 have absolutely no clue whatsoever that wearing caps inside, especially in non-casual places, is inappropriate, unless they served in the military. Such niceties are going by the wayside in a culture that has no clue what “etiquette” means or why it has a value. But the electronic device usage? Absolutely beyond the pale and inexcusable. Not in the viewing parlor. Same as holding a loud, boisterous conversation, you take it outside. You have some acknowledgment that you’re in the presence of grieving people, and behave appropriately. Not to mope for the sake of moping, but to not draw attention to yourself. You aren’t meant to be the focus in this situation. You keep your voice down, you take your calls and texts in the foyer, and if you’re so bored that you have to play games, just leave. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/32 "2010-11-15T21:48:50Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > As for the caps, I’ve come to the conclusion that the majority of men under age 40 have absolutely no clue whatsoever that wearing caps inside, especially in non-casual places, is inappropriate, unless they served in the military. Such niceties are going by the wayside in a culture that has no clue what “etiquette” means or why it has a value. Serious question here, \*why \*is it inappropriate to wear a hat indoors? And why is there value in taking it off? And does that mean any type of indoors (like shopping or seeing a movie or eating at a restaurant) or just for something people get dressed up for? The Nintendo playing, yeah that’s rude, but if the texting was only a few I don’t see it as a problem. He could have just been giving instructions on how to get there. It’s faster and less intrusive than taking a phone call. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/33 "2010-11-15T22:53:10Z")
Texting next to the body? Are they taking a photo of them with the body and making that their FB profile pic? I’m going to say no to texting and no to the game playing. Go outside or don’t play. The clothes, well, it isn’t the actual funeral so I’ll be OK with that except the hat. Hat comes off inside any building. (unless it is some sort of religious obligation upon the wearer) ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/34 "2010-11-16T00:43:21Z")
Glad to see everyone’s reactions pretty much match my own. I went to a difficult funeral recently (also a very young person) and quite a few people were an absolute mess, physically. Nobody batted an eyelash. In fact, I was quite well polished and felt a bit weird. But the video games and mobile use are unforgivable. Leave the goddamn room. ---
**Author:** ![GreedySmurf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a698b9/32.png) [@GreedySmurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreedySmurf)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/35 "2010-11-16T00:43:36Z")
I’m not sure I understand what the ceremony was if it wasn’t the actual funeral ? I agree with everyone on the game and the texting, not on. As to the clothes, it appears I am an old fogey as well. That annoys me no end when people attend a funeral and dress ‘casual’. It’s a sign of respect. You are going out of your way to dress appropiately as a show of respect to the deceased and their family. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/36 "2010-11-16T01:49:48Z")
The game is a bit out of order, everything else is fine. If I’m in a stressful or upsetting situation, I’ll be texting for support if I need it. As for hats indoors, it’s not the 1950s anymore, people. When I die, I’ll be burned or planted in a hat, and anyone else can damn well wear one. ---
**Author:** ![Tully\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7ab992/32.png) [@Tully\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tully_Mars)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/37 "2010-11-16T17:50:42Z")
The last two funerals at which I served as a pall bearer were for my best friend’s parents. The family specifically asked that we not dress up. However, I still couldn’t bring myself to be totally casual. I wore pressed white dress shirt and new, freshly pressed jeans. It was interesting to note that all of the other pall bearers made the same choices, probably for the same reason I did. We found a way to respect the family’s wishes and still show our respect. ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/38 "2010-11-16T19:40:34Z")
> [@postcards](#): > > No. They’re all assholes, each. and. every. one. what \*\*postcards \*\*said, and yes, i’m already an old fogey. even as a teenager in the wild and woolly late 60s and early 70s i would never have gone to a visitation in jeans. frankly, i was raised better than that, and i don’t mind saying so. would it kill those people at the visitation to 1. Put down the phone for what? A half hour? Can’t survive without it for 30 minutes? You have even bigger problems than you know. 2. Leave the stupid videogame in the car. It’ll be there. 3. Show a little respect. Put on a polo shirt and a pair of dockers and leave the damn baseball cap in the car, too. That’s right up there with my favorite pet peeve at sporting events. Take off the headgear for the national anthem fer cryin’out loud!! :mad: :::getting off soapbox now::: and get off my lawn!! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/39 "2010-11-16T19:46:32Z")
I just can’t seem to get that upset about the clothes. When my mom was buried earlier this year, I of course found appropriate, Indian clothes, being part of the family. But people came to the wake straight from work, and I didn’t care what they wore. I already knew who was coming because they really loved my mom, and who was coming for appearances. And what was most telling was the people who couldn’t be arsed to come or call or send freakin flowers. I’d rather have you there in clean jeans, quiet and respectful, than not come at all. Not coming tells me you just don’t even give a fuck. The texting and DS thing is of course outrageous…but people think it’s OK anywhere anytime. We didn’t have anyone texting, but honestly, no one younger than my age even showed up. We’re not big on bringing children to wakes/last rites in my culture, and most of the “kids” are not even 20 yet. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/40 "2010-11-16T19:58:38Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I just can’t seem to get that upset about the clothes. When my mom was buried earlier this year, I of course found appropriate, Indian clothes, being part of the family. But people came to the wake straight from work, and I didn’t care what they wore. I already knew who was coming because they really loved my mom, and who was coming for appearances. And what was most telling was the people who couldn’t be arsed to come or call or send freakin flowers. I’d rather have you there in clean jeans, quiet and respectful, than not come at all. Not coming tells me you just don’t even give a fuck. No one can show respect for me through what they are wearing. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around the idea. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594.md?page=3)