# Funeral Home Etiquette (a bit serious, though) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 13, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594 "2010-11-13T21:36:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/61 "2010-11-17T18:56:14Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I worked at a funeral home for a number of years. People behave badly at funerals just as they do at weddings, at work, on vacation, and in all other aspects of daily life. I’ve seen people get in screaming arguments standing right in front of the casket. I’ve seen couples grope each other when they thought nobody was looking. People came in dressed sloppily. People smoked in the viewing area. People came in drunk. People came in high. People got drunk or high while they were there. Only one thing was dependable: the person in the box didn’t give a shit about any of it. > Did you go there to grieve or did you go there to critique the other mourners? :rolleyes: Did you come here to post, or to threadshit? Just because people have behaved worse at funerals doesn’t mean one can’t complain when they see it. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/62 "2010-11-17T19:06:41Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > :rolleyes: Did you come here to post, or to threadshit? > > Just because people have behaved worse at funerals doesn’t mean one can’t complain when they see it. I think you’d best report me to an actual moderator. The chances of me being influenced by your junior modding are rather slim, you must understand. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2010, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/63 "2010-11-18T03:33:50Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Did you go there to grieve or did you go there to critique the other mourners? It’s been reported. Your years in the business notwithstanding, how is this tacky comment justified? I’m a live and live guy when it comes to how other people dress. On the other hand, maybe people at a funeral need to dress respectfully, not for the deceased who obviously doesn’t care, but for the other mourners. I’m not going to mod note you or issue a formal warning at this time, but I will ask you and everyone else to cool it. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2010, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/64 "2010-11-18T12:47:24Z")
> [@](#): > > Your years in the business notwithstanding, how is this tacky comment justified? Because it is a legitimate question. The thread isn’t about **Mahaloth’s** grief or loss. We learn in the OP very little about the dead girl other than that she was a good student, she committed suicide, and\*\* Mahaloth \*\*hadn’t seen her in a couple of years. I’m a teacher, myself, and it is impossible to be one for any length of time without students or former students dying. It’s an inescapable part of the job. **Mahaloth** doesn’t seem particularly grief stricken by it, I must say. We were told nothing about the wonderful teacher/student moments she and the deceased shared. She obviously wasn’t close enough to the dead girl to keep in touch with her. Nothing, either, about the dead girl-shaped hole this will leave in Mahaloth’s life for the rest of her days. No, most of the OP is just **Mahaloth** kvetching about other mourners not dressing or acting the way she would prefer. A majority of the response posts are more of the same. Mahaloth isn’t a family member and wasn’t close enough to the deceased to have stayed in touch after their time as teacher and student ended. My years in the funeral business indicate that she needn’t have done more than sign the register, pay her respects at the casket and to the family and leave. Hanging around to critique the wardrobes and behaviors of other mourners, while it may be fun, strikes me as “tacky.” In any case, I will duly note that I got a not-quite-warning for not agreeing with you, **Mahaloth** , and **Guinastasia**. Maybe you should sticky some new rules about what you consider “tacky” lest I violate more of them out of ignorance. It is your job to fight ignorance, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Soliloquy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@Soliloquy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soliloquy)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2010, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/65 "2010-11-18T13:07:57Z")
I used my cell phone (text messaging) through the entirety of my own 10 week old infant son’s viewing (he didn’t have an actual funeral). I was 800 miles from 99% of my friends and family, my abusive (now ex) husband was one of only 3 people in the room that I actually knew, and I needed some support. Nintendo, no. Texting… Consider that you may not know who those people were or who they were talking to before you jump their cases or shove their phones up their asses. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2010, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/66 "2010-11-18T19:45:14Z")
**Scumpup** , if you’re also trying to imply that I don’t have any experience “in the business”, I suggest you don’t want to go there. As I stated before, I’m the daughter of a funeral director. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/67 "2010-11-18T19:46:54Z")
Guinastasia, I don’t imply anything about you because until you actively call yourself to my attention I don’t think about you at all. Not only is not everything about you, in my case nothing is about you. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2010, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/68 "2010-11-19T01:55:02Z")
Mods, just lock this thread. Scumpup is acting like a complete idiot and insulted me. I reported him, he did not receive an official mod warning, and I feel like he has ruined the thread. I am extremely grief stricken and did not choose to focus on that for this thread. Scumpup, just leave us alone. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2010, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/69 "2010-11-19T05:19:19Z")
**Mahaloth** , I’m so very sorry about your loss, and I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have responded to **Scumpup**. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2010, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/70 "2010-11-19T07:44:30Z")
> [@Mahaloth](#): > > 1. People dressed in T-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes…passing by the casket. One guy had his baseball cap on still. My mother died a month ago today. I do think people ought to dress properly for the funeral or visitation. But I have to say, I don’t remember what clothes anyone was wearing – I just remember the fact that they showed up there. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2010, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/71 "2010-11-19T09:37:51Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You cannot show me respect with how you dress. You can show me respect by accepting that I have a different opinion than you do, but you can’t show me respect by how you dress. Yes you can. You can show me that you care enough about my opinion to take an effort with your appearance. I don’t give a shit about your clothes in and of themselves - what I do care about is that you gave your appearance some thought and care enough about what I think of you to “dress to impress me” Recently I was introducing a new colleague to clients - he asked “what’s the dress code?” My reply? - up to you, just so long as it looks like you care. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/72 "2010-11-19T16:57:52Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > My mother died a month ago today. > > I do think people ought to dress properly for the funeral or visitation. But I have to say, I don’t remember what clothes anyone was wearing – I just remember the fact that they showed up there. I definitely see how it can depend on the situation. For the particular death I’m talking about, formal attire just seemed appropriate. Heck, I thought about wearing black and I don’t usually do that to funerals. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/73 "2010-11-19T18:06:44Z")
The year I first started teaching, I also had a student (a young man whom I felt pretty close to) commit suicide. This was almost 15 years ago, and I still remember the funeral service well. Sigh… (he was a huge Denver Broncos fan, and there were a lot of people at the funeral in Broncos attire, whice I thought was a nice tribute) Hang in there Mahaloth. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/74 "2010-11-21T00:03:11Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Because it is a legitimate question. You didn’t get not-quite-warned for this: > [@Scumpup](#): > > I worked at a funeral home for a number of years. People behave badly at funerals just as they do at weddings, at work, on vacation, and in all other aspects of daily life. I’ve seen people get in screaming arguments standing right in front of the casket. I’ve seen couples grope each other when they thought nobody was looking. People came in dressed sloppily. People smoked in the viewing area. People came in drunk. People came in high. People got drunk or high while they were there. Only one thing was dependable: the person in the box didn’t give a shit about any of it but rather for what followed: > [@](#): > > Did you go there to grieve or did you go there to critique the other mourners? In all honesty I’m having trouble understanding your position. First you agree with the OP in acknowledging some funeral-goers’ poor taste and inconsiderate behavior except that you seem resigned to it based on your experience in the industry. Then almost out of left field you ask him if he was really there to mourn, or just to snipe about the other mourners. _That’s_ the tacky bit. You haven’t been formally warned or even noted about this so there’s no reason to take this further. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2010, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/75 "2010-11-21T17:33:44Z")
> [@Mahaloth](#): > > Mods, just lock this thread. > > Scumpup is acting like a complete idiot and insulted me. I reported him, he did not receive an official mod warning, and I feel like he has ruined the thread. > > I am extremely grief stricken and did not choose to focus on that for this thread. > > Scumpup, just leave us alone. I dunno, I kinda see his point. Commenting on people’s clothes at a funereal home is kind of like commenting on who didn’t have their head down and their eyes closed while grace is being said–if you’re truly involved in the purpose at hand, how much extra time and energy do you have to notice what everyone else is up to? ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/76 "2010-11-21T19:54:10Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I dunno, I kinda see his point. Commenting on people’s clothes at a funereal home is kind of like commenting on who didn’t have their head down and their eyes closed while grace is being said–if you’re truly involved in the purpose at hand, how much extra time and energy do you have to notice what everyone else is up to? But the process of saying grace takes maybe twenty seconds, so it’s a little different from a funeral where people might show up and stay anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of hours. It’s pretty hard not to notice someone texting, or wearing a baseball cap, when they’re standing three feet away from you while doing it. That said, the point **Scumpup** raised is not without merit, but he didn’t have to be such a snark about it. Compare and contrast your way of defending his point with the way that he originally raised it. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/77 "2010-11-21T20:47:47Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I dunno, I kinda see his point. Commenting on people’s clothes at a funereal home is kind of like commenting on who didn’t have their head down and their eyes closed while grace is being said–if you’re truly involved in the purpose at hand, how much extra time and energy do you have to notice what everyone else is up to? I’m capable of holding several thoughts in my head at one time, and even over the amount of time it takes to attend a funeral. Ditto for making mental observations about the people around me. I don’t believe the OP mentioned actually commenting out loud on other people’s clothing and behavior, or spending the whole time staring at them and fuming, while she was at the funeral; she came here afterward to vent instead. People use this board for that purpose sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2010, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/78 "2010-11-21T22:47:59Z")
One thing that was really annoying at my father’s funeral was all the people that came into the family only room with the shut door that said immediate family only, where we could go to be away from visitors. Too many people came into the room and drank the few drinks and ate the few snacks we had in there, while expounding on shit we didn’t want to hear. We were in there to take a break from them, that we needed. Stay out of the family room if your not the immediate family. We were in the condolence line most of the time for 4 hours. After the funeral of my father I was ravenous as I hadn’t eaten for 3 days, except for a half can of pop and a snack cake which was all that these people left in the family only room. I couldn’t even get a whole can of pop. I don’t remember anything anybody wore to that visitation or the funeral, just that people came and kept coming all night. My brother did do a burn out when somebody that was not immediate family cut us off to be ahead of us driving to the funeral in the procession. We all hated that bitch, but I did get him to stop before he rammed her, barely. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2010, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/79 "2010-11-22T02:38:04Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > she came here afterward to vent instead. People use this board for that purpose sometimes. He. I’m a dude. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594/80 "2010-11-22T19:13:31Z")
Sorry, man. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-home-etiquette-a-bit-serious-though/560594.md?page=5)