# Funeral Shit Show **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 10, 2013, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707 "2013-01-10T02:20:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/41 "2013-01-10T20:37:19Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > I have one. > > Close friend of mine is married to a Persian woman, now also a friend of mine (her background is significant later). Her father - a very decent man - passed away, and out of respect I went to the funeral. > > It was a series of disasters. > > The first, and memorable unto itself, was that in the chapel thingie in the funeral home the dumbass funeral home employees put a shitload of those little tea-light like candles on a silver tray side, basically filling the tray. This was not a good idea. The candles started to burn together and melt each other, basically turning the tray into a big torch. One of the employees picked up the tray to take it outside, and I guess the handles must have been rather hot, because he started to have trouble holding onto it. A sister of my friend’s wife moved to help him and got too close - and the hairspray in her hair caught fire with a massive “foomp”. For a second, it looked like we’d have to have a second funeral … fortunately she wasn’t seriously burned, though her screams and the smell of scortched hair put everyone on edge. > > Second, the funeral home director person was about the last person in the world who should have that job. He kept making annoying and unnecessary references to the Persian-ness of the deceased and his family - I can’t remember what exactly he said, but it was just jarring. At one point, I guess realizing he was making a bad impression, he said something to the effect that he was sorry, he wasn’t used to doing funerals for non-White folks. This did not go over well either. Wow, this one definitely tops mine. I didn’t add this in the first post, but I might as well add it now. The 94 year old funeral home owner used the opportunity to proselytize when I went with my buddy who had just lost his 51 year old father. We made it clear that we didn’t want the preacher to be preachy and to only do a bit of scripture, since David was an atheist as is most of his family. She kept going on and fucking on about how if we had Jesus in our lives this wouldn’t be so bad, since we could see the wisdom in gods plan. She was absolutely over-the-top in pushing Jesus on us. My friend was absolutely livid and saddened by her comments. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/42 "2013-01-10T20:53:59Z")
> [@Crime\_Scene](#): > > The 94 year old funeral home owner used the opportunity to proselytize when I went with my buddy who had just lost his 51 year old father. At the last service I went to, the decedent’s uncle managed to corner me and preach the Word of God to me. I could only stay a short time in the first place, and this guy was making it impossible to leave. I certainly didn’t want to cause a scene, so I couldn’t say anything like “Dude, I’m an atheist, stop preaching to me!” I must have said “I need to go” at least three times on the rare occasions I could get a word in edgewise. When I finally left, he followed me out! ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/43 "2013-01-10T21:05:04Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > At the last service I went to, the decedent’s uncle managed to corner me and preach the Word of God to me. I could only stay a short time in the first place, and this guy was making it impossible to leave. I certainly didn’t want to cause a scene, so I couldn’t say anything like “Dude, I’m an atheist, stop preaching to me!” I must have said “I need to go” at least three times on the rare occasions I could get a word in edgewise. When I finally left, he followed me out! Honestly, I do not understand a lot of Christians. I’m not saying all, but many, many of them use the most awful opportunities to evangelize; it seems they forget the golden rule quite often. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/44 "2013-01-10T21:06:08Z")
That is definitely the most horrible funeral story I’ve ever heard. At first the story reminded me of my uncle’s death. My uncle was only five years older than me, and I spent a lot of time at his house growing up, so he was more like a sibling than an uncle. But not like a ‘‘ooh, I love you’’ sibling, more like ‘‘this is my pain in the ass inconsiderate loser older brother.’’ Well, he had issues, couldn’t support himself, got into drugs, had two children with two different terrible mothers. At 30 years old, just days after being released from a mental hospital, he overdosed on heroine (suicide?), leaving behind his ten year old and five year old sons. His death was a complete shock to everyone involved, and my family is mega dysfunctional. Since most of the people in my family suffer from one mental illness or another, it was a week of everybody losing their goddamn mind. My Mom and grandfather got pissed off at me and my Aunt for coming, _with my grandmother’s permission_, to my grandparent’s house and cleaning their kitchen, which was at hoarder levels of uncleanliness. So pissed off she almost didn’t even come to the funeral. Well… rather than tell the whole story I’ll just talk about one of the most surreal moments of my life. It’s actually one of the moments that I think best sums up what it’s like to be a member of my family. The day following my uncle’s death, when me, my Mom and my Grandfather went to tell my other uncle, a paranoid schizophrenic with zero mental filter, that his brother had died. Uncle proceeds, with no preamble whatsoever, in front of me, my mother, and my grandfather, to talk in \*vivid detail \*about molesting my Aunt when she was a child. I am almost positive this is the first time my grandfather heard about this. I actually think that’s the reason he disappeared for hours the day we came over, and his anger had way more to do with my Aunt being there than actually cleaning the kitchen. This is my theory anyway. You never know with my family. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/45 "2013-01-10T21:18:56Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > That is definitely the most horrible funeral story I’ve ever heard. > > At first the story reminded me of my uncle’s death. My uncle was only five years older than me, and I spent a lot of time at his house growing up, so he was more like a sibling than an uncle. But not like a ‘‘ooh, I love you’’ sibling, more like ‘‘this is my pain in the ass inconsiderate loser older brother.’’ Well, he had issues, couldn’t support himself, got into drugs, had two children with two different terrible mothers. At 30 years old, just days after being released from a mental hospital, he overdosed on heroine (suicide?), leaving behind his ten year old and five year old sons. > > His death was a complete shock to everyone involved, and my family is mega dysfunctional. Since most of the people in my family suffer from one mental illness or another, it was a week of everybody losing their goddamn mind. My Mom and grandfather got pissed off at me and my Aunt for coming, _with my grandmother’s permission_, to my grandparent’s house and cleaning their kitchen, which was at hoarder levels of uncleanliness. So pissed off she almost didn’t even come to the funeral. Well… rather than tell the whole story I’ll just talk about one of the most surreal moments of my life. It’s actually one of the moments that I think best sums up what it’s like to be a member of my family. > > The day following my uncle’s death, when me, my Mom and my Grandfather went to tell my other uncle, a paranoid schizophrenic with zero mental filter, that his brother had died. Uncle proceeds, with no preamble whatsoever, in front of me, my mother, and my grandfather, to talk in \*vivid detail \*about molesting my Aunt when she was a child. I am almost positive this is the first time my grandfather heard about this. I actually think that’s the reason he disappeared for hours the day we came over, and his anger had way more to do with my Aunt being there than actually cleaning the kitchen. This is my theory anyway. You never know with my family. Jesus Jumped up Christ. From your posting history, olives, I thought this may contain some humor, but this takes the fucking cake as far as horrible funeral stories go. I’m so sorry. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/46 "2013-01-10T21:30:55Z")
Thank God for my uptight family that never shares feelings. Thank God for my uptight family that never shares feelings. Thank God for my uptight family that never shares feelings. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/47 "2013-01-10T21:36:27Z")
> [@Crime\_Scene](#): > > That didn’t pale in comparison and the story was actually quite a bit more sad. So, the middle brother is still MIA? Yep, no way to get in contact with him and frankly, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want anyone to. Re: youngest brother, he’s mostly only a prick when he drinks to excess, and he’s self aware enough to have realized that things tend to go very very sideways when stress and drinks combine. So it’s mostly only been highly emotional events that set him off. There have been others. I learned a long time ago to just stay as clear of all that as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/48 "2013-01-10T21:53:55Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Thank God for my uptight family that never shares feelings. > Thank God for my uptight family that never shares feelings. > Thank God for my uptight family that never shares feelings. lol no shit. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/49 "2013-01-10T21:54:55Z")
> [@El\_Kabong](#): > > Yep, no way to get in contact with him and frankly, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want anyone to. > > Re: youngest brother, he’s mostly only a prick when he drinks to excess, and he’s self aware enough to have realized that things tend to go very very sideways when stress and drinks combine. So it’s mostly only been highly emotional events that set him off. There have been others. > > I learned a long time ago to just stay as clear of all that as possible. Well, I’m glad the younger brother has straightened out, but still saddened for the middle one. ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/50 "2013-01-10T22:02:54Z")
> [@Obeseus](#): > > I wasn’t at this funeral, but a relative told me about it. We have a very large family, and there are always a few people pissed at someone else about something. Anyway, the husband of a distant cousin died. I had never met the guy, but I always heard he was a blow-hard asshole. Anyway, he’s in the casket, and people start talking about what an asshole he was. Then someone actually punches the dead guy and says something like, “You aren’t so tough now are you?” (I guess it takes a lot of courage to punch out a dead guy.) Anyway, others join in in taking shots at the body. Next thing you know, they are wheeling the casket around the funeral home and singing songs about the guy being an asshole. The priest who was going to say a few words got scared and took off. I fucking love this and think it should have its own TV show. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/51 "2013-01-10T22:11:01Z")
> [@Obeseus](#): > > Then someone actually punches the dead guy and says something like, “You aren’t so tough now are you?” (I guess it takes a lot of courage to punch out a dead guy.) That’s some serious crazy. There was a scene like that in the film _Bound_, but I always thought it was so over the top it was obviously exaggerated. It was performed by a character who was in the midst of violently losing his mind with fear and rage, beating on a corpse and screaming at it. But your example not only parallels that scene, it’s _multiplied severalfold_. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/52 "2013-01-10T22:11:19Z")
> [@Beastly\_Rotter](#): > > I fucking love this and think it should have its own TV show. Well, there kinda is. Have you seen TLC’s new reality, shit-show ‘Best Funeral Ever?’ ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/53 "2013-01-10T22:20:52Z")
> [@Crime\_Scene](#): > > I, also, felt sorry for him. I know he is going through a rough time, but his selfishness with his behavior was making an already sad and stressful time way worse. I don’t mean to suggest that you’re the man to do it, but yeah, his behavior sounds like a desperate cry for help to me. It needs to come form his family, but yeah - an Intervention might help. He sounds like he does kinda-sorta knows he needs it. It’s also important to get that he probably did not _choose_ to take drugs and become a drunk. From what you said, his father pretty much said, “Here kid, try this. Puts hair on your chest!” with _crack cocaine_. That’ll mess **anybody** up. And it’s possible he has mental problems, as it sounds like his father may have had some serious issues himself. But in any case, you might suggest it. ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/54 "2013-01-10T22:47:55Z")
Reading this thread did make me feel better about the (by comparison) mild drama related to my father and my brother’s funerals. It also made me glad I have stopped drinking. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/55 "2013-01-10T22:58:21Z")
> [@smiling\_bandit](#): > > I don’t mean to suggest that you’re the man to do it, but yeah, his behavior sounds like a desperate cry for help to me. It needs to come form his family, but yeah - an Intervention might help. He sounds like he does kinda-sorta knows he needs it. It’s also important to get that he probably did not _choose_ to take drugs and become a drunk. From what you said, his father pretty much said, “Here kid, try this. Puts hair on your chest!” with _crack cocaine_. > > That’ll mess **anybody** up. And it’s possible he has mental problems, as it sounds like his father may have had some serious issues himself. > > But in any case, you might suggest it. Well, the problem is, the two brothers have different mothers. Brody’s side of the family is just fucked up beyond repair and those who have escaped addiction and destitution live too far away to do anything. In addition, not that he has chosen to be a fucked up addict, but he does not want to change. He enjoys, “BEING A REAL MOTHERFUCKER!” To him, that means ridin’ this bitch 'till the wheels fall off. I’ve heard him say that, so there really is no helping him until he wants to change. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/56 "2013-01-10T23:17:30Z")
> [@Kevbo](#): > > It also made me glad I have stopped drinking. That’s funny. It made me head straight for the tequila. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/57 "2013-01-10T23:51:50Z")
I really, really hate the name Brody though. I enjoy your stories but in the future please choose names that sound less like “grody” which is a really ugly word to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2013, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/58 "2013-01-10T23:55:34Z")
> [@Crime\_Scene](#): > > Honestly, I do not understand a lot of Christians. I’m not saying all, but many, many of them use the most awful opportunities to evangelize; it seems they forget the golden rule quite often. Oh, but it’s really quite simple. 😉 One, they can’t pass up having a captive audience and two, it makes THE BEST POINT EVER!! If you can’t get someone to convert while they are confronted with their own mortality, it’ll never happen. ~faithfool, former fundamentalist who has attended multiple funerals with a salvation spiel ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/59 "2013-01-11T00:24:14Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > Oh, but it’s really quite simple. 😉 One, they can’t pass up having a captive audience and two, it makes THE BEST POINT EVER!! If you can’t get someone to convert while they are confronted with their own mortality, it’ll never happen. > > ~faithfool, former fundamentalist who has attended multiple funerals with a salvation spiel Amen. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/60 "2013-01-11T03:21:55Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > I can’t top that, but I did attend a doozy. > > A girl I was dating had a mom. Mom was married to husband #2. He shot and killed mom, then himself. > > They had a double - single? - funeral with both caskets on display. Friends and family of each were there, and they had to put a divider down the middle of the funeral home to keep each tribe separate. Think “Bride or Groom?” but with terrible anger and sadness for all. > > There were some skirmishes at the viewing, and actual punches thrown at the cemetery. > > It was a bad week all around. In the “can’t make this shit up” category: There was a murder this week in my tiny hometown. Dude makes up story how two black guys staged a home invasion, tied up Dude and Wife of Dude, kills her, leaves Dude and 2-year-old daughter basically unharmed. Needless to say, the story had far too many inconsistencies, and husband is arrested a few days later for offing his lovely young wife. Last night, the visitation was held at the funeral home. Sheriff Dumbass actually escorts Dude to the visitation, 'cause he likes to make sure county inmates attend services for their loved ones. No doubt, her family was thrilled by the sheriff’s thoughtfulness… :rolleyes: Last I heard, the grieving widower also attended today’s funeral. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707.md?page=4)