# Funeral Shit Show **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 10, 2013, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707 "2013-01-10T02:20:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/61 "2013-01-11T03:51:23Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > In the “can’t make this shit up” category: There was a murder this week in my tiny hometown. Dude makes up story how two black guys staged a home invasion, tied up Dude and Wife of Dude, kills her, leaves Dude and 2-year-old daughter basically unharmed. Needless to say, the story had far too many inconsistencies, and husband is arrested a few days later for offing his lovely young wife. > > Last night, the visitation was held at the funeral home. Sheriff Dumbass actually escorts Dude to the visitation, 'cause he likes to make sure county inmates attend services for their loved ones. No doubt, her family was thrilled by the sheriff’s thoughtfulness… :rolleyes: Last I heard, the grieving widower also attended today’s funeral. Are you fucking serious? The sheriff took the goddamn murderer to the visitation? I’m surprised this isn’t national news. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/62 "2013-01-11T04:03:47Z")
This just confirms my belief that funerals are a horrible idea. Take people at their most vulnerable and mind-fucked and ask them to successfully plan what basically amounts to a really depressing party. If the people involved were already mind-fucked to begin with, then the shit really hits the fan. I’m not having a funeral. People can have a memorial service 6 months after I die or something, but no way in hell am I putting my family through that shit. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/63 "2013-01-11T04:05:10Z")
My father saw something like that – he once had a funeral for a two-year-old boy who was beaten to death by his mother. They brought the mother to the visitation in shackels. (I’m wondering if it’s not a shaming thing, like, “look, this is what you did!”) ---
**Author:** ![joebuck20](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/74df32/32.png) [@joebuck20](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joebuck20)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/64 "2013-01-11T04:18:38Z")
> [@Crime\_Scene](#): > > Well, there kinda is. Have you seen TLC’s new reality, shit-show ‘Best Funeral Ever?’ Am I the only one who, when they saw the title of this thread, thought it was going to be about this show? ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/65 "2013-01-11T04:24:37Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > This just confirms my belief that funerals are a horrible idea. Take people at their most vulnerable and mind-fucked and ask them to successfully plan what basically amounts to a really depressing party. If the people involved were already mind-fucked to begin with, then the shit really hits the fan. I’m not having a funeral. People can have a memorial service 6 months after I die or something, but no way in hell am I putting my family through that shit. Can I subscribe to your newsletter? Will you be running for president in 2016? Because I agree with this wholeheartidly. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/66 "2013-01-11T04:26:43Z")
> [@joebuck20](#): > > Am I the only one who, when they saw the title of this thread, thought it was going to be about this show? Ha. I wrote the thing and each time I see the title I think it’s going to be about that show. I think ‘Funeral Shit Show’ would have been a more fitting name for that abomination. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/67 "2013-01-11T04:57:00Z")
> [@Crime\_Scene](#): > > Are you fucking serious? The sheriff took the goddamn murderer to the visitation? I’m surprised this isn’t national news. [Not quite the national news](http://www.wtoc.com/story/20548059/appling-co-sheriff-husband-acted-alone-in-wifes-murder), but yeah. And my “local sources” (AKA gossipy aunts) confirm that the murderer did, in fact, attend the funeral. If that had been my daughter or sister or cousin, it might quickly have become a double funeral… ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/68 "2013-01-11T05:12:56Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > [Not quite the national news](http://www.wtoc.com/story/20548059/appling-co-sheriff-husband-acted-alone-in-wifes-murder), but yeah. And my “local sources” (AKA gossipy aunts) confirm that the murderer did, in fact, attend the funeral. If that had been my daughter or sister or cousin, it might quickly have become a double funeral… For the love of Og…anyways, thanks for the link. What lunacy. I’d sue the sheriffs department for mental anguish if I was a direct relative. ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/69 "2013-01-11T06:00:45Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > [Not quite the national news](http://www.wtoc.com/story/20548059/appling-co-sheriff-husband-acted-alone-in-wifes-murder), but yeah. And my “local sources” (AKA gossipy aunts) confirm that the murderer did, in fact, attend the funeral. If that had been my daughter or sister or cousin, it might quickly have become a double funeral… To be fair, he is an accused murderer. It would be pretty terrible if he didn’t do it and not only did his wife die and he had his reputation destroyed and spent some time in jail, but he couldn’t even attend her funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/70 "2013-01-11T06:19:05Z")
True. I understand due process and all… but the chances that he’s unfairly accused are approximately the same as me being Anastasia Romanov. Even the initial story released by detectives was pretty sketchy, and the more details that came out, the more the story unravelled. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/71 "2013-01-11T06:27:23Z")
**Crime Scene** , you’re kind of new to the dope so if that bad brother ever calls again just say “I burning your dad” and hang up. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/72 "2013-01-11T06:32:42Z")
I want to [hire these people.](http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/other-shows/videos/golden-gate-funeral-home.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/73 "2013-01-11T07:09:34Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > **Crime Scene** , you’re kind of new to the dope so if that bad brother ever calls again just say > > “I burning your dad” and hang up. Wow, holy lol. That is brilliant. I’d never follow through with it, but I just played out the whole scenario in my head and hilarity ensued. I’ve been cruising the dope since about 1999, if not daily, weekly. I’ve never started an account or posted before because I was honestly intimidated by the amount of intelligent people on this board. This is the only internet forum I actually visit on a regular basis. Anyways, Zebra, thanks for the welcome…still enjoying that one. ---
**Author:** ![Crime\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e495f1/32.png) [@Crime\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crime_Scene)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/74 "2013-01-11T07:10:47Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > I want to [hire these people.](http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/other-shows/videos/golden-gate-funeral-home.htm) I actually watched that show the other night with the older brother who lost his father. His father’s ceremony, even with all its fuckery, was much more subdued. Those people turn funerals into carnival sideshows. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/75 "2013-01-11T07:41:44Z")
Well YEAH! That’s why I want to hire them. And I want all the Dope to come. Have the Dopest funeral ever. I want my ashes sent to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, after being incinerated by a 1920’s style death ray. Put in my urn an 18" IBDHJD and let **Equipose** play some Kate Bush just to piss me off. Maybe some selections from Les Miz. Olives, I want you to go to the mourners class. Hell, you can all punch me too. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/76 "2013-01-11T07:47:50Z")
I can’t top the OP for lolcrazies, but the shittiest funeral I ever attended was back in high school. On of my best friends’ older brother drowned. Not only that, he drowned while swimming with his girlfriend (who his parents hated with a passion) on a beach with the red flags up (strong undertow,) after just leaving his 4 year old brother’s birthday party, having had a screaming fight with his parents about said girlfriend. So you can imagine the condition my friend (who was 13) and his family were in. Older brother was 17. The parents were Ethiopian Catholic refugees who’d come to the country when my friend was a very small child. The funeral was extremely large and held in one of the largest cathedrals in the city (and our city has a LOT of churches.) Unfortunately, it was during one of the worst heat waves of the summer, the church had no AC, and everyone was expected to stand during the entire extremely long service. And the church was PACKED. All the women were wearing the full white scarf/veil things (I honestly have no idea what they’re called - they covered the hair and draped down the body to about the waist or maybe a little longer, but did not cover the face at all) and those standing upright behind the pews at the beginning were basically bent double over the backs of the pews by the end. It was open casket. At several points during the funeral, both parents started screaming and wailing and everyone had to wait for them to be calmed for the service to continue. Service continued to the graveside, where mother threw herself onto the coffin and refused to let them lower it, screaming the whole time. When they finally pried her off and got the coffin into the grave, father jumped in there after it, pounding on the lid and howling. Understandably, their two young children were utterly freaked out by this. Many of the relatives thought their place was to join in the crying and wailing rather than attempting to impose any sort of calm on the thing. At one point, some of the aunts threw stones at the girlfriend, who was attending, and drove her quite a ways away. And of course, the gravesite was in full sunlight and it was over 100 degrees and terribly humid. People fainted like flies. It was literally the saddest and worst thing I’ve ever seen, funeral-wise at least. Maybe ever for anything. It was surreal. > [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > This just confirms my belief that funerals are a horrible idea. Take people at their most vulnerable and mind-fucked and ask them to successfully plan what basically amounts to a really depressing party. If the people involved were already mind-fucked to begin with, then the shit really hits the fan. I’m not having a funeral. People can have a memorial service 6 months after I die or something, but no way in hell am I putting my family through that shit. We had a party for both my grandmothers, rather than a funeral. They were brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/77 "2013-01-11T08:24:11Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > This just confirms my belief that funerals are a horrible idea. … I agree. That’s why I just bury my family members in the back yard in the dead of night after they, uh… die of natural causes. 😛 More seriously, that’s what we did with my uncle’s ashes a few years back. We were going to bury him in my dad’s plot, but the cemetery wanted 3 grand to put him in a space that was already paid for. So uncle went into the garden. He never married or had kids, and no one want to keep his ashes as some kind of creepy memento. My own burial would be like that, except I’m donating it to science. I hope to end up in one of those research corpse farms and feed a family of raccoons. ---
**Author:** ![StrangeBird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@StrangeBird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrangeBird)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/78 "2013-01-11T08:33:57Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > I want my ashes sent to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, after being incinerated by a 1920’s style death ray. But we were going to go to the quarry and throw you down there! … sorry ---
**Author:** ![gamerunknown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/6bbea6/32.png) [@gamerunknown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gamerunknown)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/79 "2013-01-11T08:46:38Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Okay, I’d have called the cops for that alone. Just resurrect Bill Hicks to deal with him. Though, that’d raise the question of why one didn’t just raise the father from the dead… Anyway, worst funeral I’ve heard about (witnessed the effects of it) was for a murdered Irish guy that attended mass in the parish over. All pubs had to be shut down within a few miles radius and there was a heavy police presence all over, because apparently they tend to exact revenge during the funerals or while drinking afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![Folacin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/folacin/32/3195_2.png) [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2013, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707/80 "2013-01-11T13:12:04Z")
I’d just point out that in both of the “killer in shackles” stories, we’re dealing with the alleged perpetrator. IANAL, but if I were the defense attorney (assuming one is hired/assigned), I’d make damn sure my client was at the funeral events, just to somewhat pull the fangs of a prosecutor who’d love to use “didn’t even attend the funeral” in her opening/closing statements. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funeral-shit-show/646707.md?page=5)