# Funnest Onion story ever! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 29, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388 "2009-06-29T20:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/1 "2009-06-29T20:11:35Z")
An old one but this just slayed me when I first read it. [Mother Teresa Sent To Hell In Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30076) I just love the relentless progress of the story, as if this gag is determined that you will die with laughter before it finishes with you. > [@](#): > > CALCUTTA—In what is widely believed to be the result of clerical error on the part of Heaven’s massive soul-evaluation and punishment-allocation bureaucracy, The Calcutta Daily-Telegram reported Monday that beloved missionary caregiver Mother Teresa was condemned to agonizing, eternal torment in Hell following her death last Friday at the age of 87. > > Widely expected to ascend into Paradise and take her rightful place among the saints to the glorious fanfare of horns and choruses upon her passing, she was instead hurled from the firmament into the bowels of the Lake of Fire. > > “We can only assume that some sort of mix-up occurred in the processing phase,” said St. Peter, … This next bit is where I started to gasp for air. > [@](#): > > Mother Teresa, who for decades inspired the world with her selfless devotion to the starving, disease-ridden masses of Calcutta, was unavailable for comment, as she was being lowered upside-down into a vat of boiling human excrement by a trio of pitchfork-wielding demons. Similar punishment reportedly awaits her for the rest of eternity. And a little later, turning the screws: > [@](#): > > According to a New York Times report, her skull has already been used as a drinking goblet by Satan, the Great Deceiver himself, and the esteemed nun’s rape at the hands of insatiable, barbed-penis-wielding hellhounds in the near-future is considered “highly likely.” As I said, funniest Onion story _ever_! Any other contenders? BTW is it just me or doesn’t The Onion write 'em like that anymore? Maybe I’m just missing the best stuff recently (ie the last few years). ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2009, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/2 "2009-06-29T20:55:12Z")
> [@aldiboronti](#): > > BTW is it just me or doesn’t The Onion write 'em like that anymore? Maybe I’m just missing the best stuff recently (ie the last few years). I find appreciation of any given Onion article varies wildly from person to person. For example, this one does nothing for me. ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2009, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/3 "2009-06-29T21:00:01Z")
I’ve always liked this one: [_Roof On Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People_.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39024) ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2009, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/4 "2009-06-29T21:27:47Z")
> [@Indistinguishable](#): > > I find appreciation of any given Onion article varies wildly from person to person. For example, this one does nothing for me. Exactly. Kinda tepid this one. My favorites are a number of the ones in Our Dumb Century. It’s hard to pick just one. [“HOLY SHIT! Man walks on fucking moon!”](http://members.shaw.ca/rlongpre01/moon.html) was pretty classic, as was “AWESOME! Nation wowed by Hindenburg explosion.” Then there’s the story of the first white man to play in the Negro league, as well as the piece about Germany quelling the great Polish menace in Europe (along with a graphic depicting Poland as a rising spectre terrorizing the continent.) “Area Bassist Fellated” always gave me chuckles, as well as the Sting commentary [You Know, I Used to Be Kind of Cool, Once."](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33682) So many to choose from. And many, many more I am forgetting. ---
**Author:** ![DarkPrince](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@DarkPrince](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DarkPrince)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2009, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/5 "2009-06-29T22:23:46Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > My favorites are a number of the ones in Our Dumb Century. The best article The Onion ever wrote was the [Russians Still Trying to Kill Rasputin](http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/our-dumb-century-reports-from-the-frontiers-of-history-1105824.html). For a good week or so after I read it a friend of mine would only have to mention “icebreaking ship” to make me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2009, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/6 "2009-06-29T22:55:31Z")
I’m fond of [God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/god_help_him_but_area_man_loves). ---
**Author:** ![Sigmundex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e19adc/32.png) [@Sigmundex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmundex)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/7 "2009-06-30T02:17:20Z")
Yeah, I love the Crazy Bitch story, koeeoaddi, that’s a great one. My all-time favorite is very short, but the last few words of the story had me practically dead on the floor laughing when I first read it, years ago. [Flavor Mix-Up](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31992) ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/8 "2009-06-30T02:40:51Z")
Mine has to be [It was then that I carried you vs. Bullshit, Jesus](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34168) ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/9 "2009-06-30T03:08:49Z")
My favorite was nothing more than a headline from October 1995 or thereabouts: “Cosmo presents: Fattening up for Winter!” I also liked [New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32382) ---
**Author:** ![straggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@straggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/straggler)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/10 "2009-06-30T03:14:18Z")
My fave: [The Thinkable Happens To Local Man](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31487) ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/11 "2009-06-30T03:20:06Z")
Oh, clearly it’s: [Radio Shack CEO Can’t Figure Out How They Make Money](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/even_ceo_cant_figure_out_how) ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/12 "2009-06-30T03:53:49Z")
[Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not](http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/hard_to_tell_if_wikipedia) is my favorite. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/13 "2009-06-30T04:00:53Z")
[“DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents”](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54064) will always have a very special place in my black, flabby heart. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bartman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Bartman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bartman)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/14 "2009-06-30T04:29:23Z")
Not a full article, but my favorite headline still remains: [Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34777). Immature? Sure. But it brings a little smile involuntarily to my face every time I think of it. ---
**Author:** ![rexnervous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@rexnervous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rexnervous)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/15 "2009-06-30T05:14:21Z")
The funniest one ever: [Burundi Beef Council: ‘Please Send Beef’](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28429) Always been partial to this one too: [Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29976) ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/16 "2009-06-30T06:18:31Z")
> [@Bartman](#): > > Not a full article, but my favorite headline still remains: [Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34777). Immature? Sure. But it brings a little smile involuntarily to my face every time I think of it. Oh, yeah. I was awed by its brilliance then, and I’m re-awed now. ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/17 "2009-06-30T12:48:17Z")
Without doing a formal study, it seems to me that they frequently have great concepts in the headline that they can’t sustain for a full article. Regarding the Jesus and the footprints story, my favorite (non-Onion) alternate ending is Jesus saying “Sometimes I have to help other people you selfish bastard”. ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/18 "2009-06-30T13:20:59Z")
I agree about Our Dumb Century. I know I can always open it up and find a gem. My favorite: [Malcolm X: ‘I Also Have a Dream’: ‘I have a dream that one day little black children will beat the living crap out of little white children.’](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41007) ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/19 "2009-06-30T13:42:56Z")
> [@tim-n-va](#): > > Without doing a formal study, it seems to me that they frequently have great concepts in the headline that they can’t sustain for a full article. I seem to remember a time when the online version ad headlines that had no story attached. My favorite of these was in an issue that came out shortly after George Harrison died. It said simply “Ringo Next.” ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/20 "2009-06-30T13:58:32Z")
> [@Mahaloth](#): > > Oh, clearly it’s: > > [Radio Shack CEO Can’t Figure Out How They Make Money](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/even_ceo_cant_figure_out_how) Oh, god, I love that one. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388.md?page=2)