# Funnest Onion story ever! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 29, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388 "2009-06-29T20:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/21 "2009-06-30T14:23:52Z")
The issue published after 9/11 was just exactly what we needed: Attack on America: Holy Fucking SHIT! (Alas, I can’t seem to find a direct link to the article) ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/22 "2009-06-30T14:40:25Z")
This valedictory for President Bush got me giggling: [The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/americas_first_gay_president) And I liked this one, too. Turnabout is fair play!: [The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28927) ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/23 "2009-06-30T14:43:21Z")
Our Dumb Century is definately pretty good. Headlines from the seventies: “Everybody Kung-Fu Fighting” “Carter to Congress: Give Me A 10-20, Good Buddy” ---
**Author:** ![PetW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@PetW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PetW)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/24 "2009-06-30T14:43:29Z")
After 9/11 they had a great edition called “HOLY FUCKING SHIT: Attack on America.” Some of the articles I could find are: [God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28151) [Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38673) ETA: Beaten by Unintentionally Blank! ---
**Author:** ![MOIDALIZE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@MOIDALIZE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MOIDALIZE)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/25 "2009-06-30T14:46:46Z")
[Why Do All These Homesexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?](http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/why_do_all_these_homosexuals) [I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked Up And Shit](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33652) [My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34156) ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/26 "2009-06-30T14:51:49Z")
[South Postpones Rising Again for Yet Another Year](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28559) ---
**Author:** ![initech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/439d5e/32.png) [@initech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/initech)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/27 "2009-06-30T14:53:27Z")
“Ebert victorious.” After the death of Gene Siskel. ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/28 "2009-06-30T15:02:29Z")
This is pretty good: > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/?utm_source=a-section)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. This too: > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. ---
**Author:** ![MissMossie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@MissMossie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissMossie)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/29 "2009-06-30T15:02:40Z")
I don’t think that I’ll ever stop finding [Johnson & Johnson Introduces ‘Nothing But Tears’ Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/johnson_johnson_introduces_nothing) funny. ---
**Author:** ![TJVM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b38774/32.png) [@TJVM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJVM)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/30 "2009-06-30T15:03:05Z")
One of my favorites is a short one: [Neighbors Remember Serial Killer as Serial Killer](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32531). ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/31 "2009-06-30T15:12:28Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Mine has to be [It was then that I carried you vs. Bullshit, Jesus](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34168) That was priceless. 😃 I’m forced to admit that my candidate for funniest Onion story ever has already been beaten and whipped into whimpering submission several times in the space of this thread already. I’ve obviously missed some real classics. ---
**Author:** ![Brandus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@Brandus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brandus)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/32 "2009-06-30T15:44:31Z")
Some of their one liners are great because they let you use your imagination. I could click these for hours Here’s one to get started Carbon-Monoxide Detector With Snooze Button Recalled > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. ---
**Author:** ![Nunavut\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e95f7d/32.png) [@Nunavut\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nunavut_Boy)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/33 "2009-06-30T16:27:14Z")
[Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930) is my favorite. And it has come to pass! ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/34 "2009-06-30T16:37:25Z")
I have to admit that [this one](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/55668) makes me laugh every time. When it gets chilly I always think “Time to be rolling out the cold weather whores” - unfortunately not as many people in earshot have ready the article as I thought, according to reaction… ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/35 "2009-06-30T16:49:32Z")
Really only funny for fans of “Lost”, but if you ARE a fan, this is the funniest of all the Onion articles: [http://www.theonion.com/content/news/smoke\_monster\_from\_lost\_given\_own](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/smoke_monster_from_lost_given_own) ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/36 "2009-06-30T16:56:30Z")
I always loved [this one.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28970) I especially loved the fact that a few years after it came out, some idiot fundamentalists got caught trying to pass it off as a real headline from a real newspaper. On the other hand, [this article](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676) is cause for grave alarm! ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/37 "2009-06-30T17:16:29Z")
> [@Brandus](#): > > Some of their one liners are great because they let you use your imagination. Agreed. The Onion bits that leave me howling with laughter are the ones that leave my brain to supply the missing details, like an electrical spark arcing over a gap in a wire. I’m sure there are better examples, but here are a couple I could come up with right now: [Real Toy Used As Sex Toy](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34511) (from before Steve Irwin’s death) [Crocodile Hunter The Same Way In Bed](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34273) ---
**Author:** ![Runestar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@Runestar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runestar)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/38 "2009-06-30T17:40:51Z")
I always loved the horoscopes. My favorite was the horoscope “correction” they once published. “Last week’s horoscope was incorrect. The line ‘tall, dark stranger’ should actually have read ‘enraged lowland gorilla’. We apologize for any inconvenience.” ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/39 "2009-06-30T18:01:33Z")
My favorites: [**Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars**](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54360) [**Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq**](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29620) ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/40 "2009-06-30T18:08:26Z")
> [@Sigmundex](#): > > Yeah, I love the Crazy Bitch story, koeeoaddi, that’s a great one. My all-time favorite is very short, but the last few words of the story had me practically dead on the floor laughing when I first read it, years ago. [Flavor Mix-Up](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31992) Another article that belongs in the other thread regarding Onion articles that ended up predicting the future. Who’d have imagined that PepsiCo would end up releasing Mountain-Dew-flavor Doritos a while back? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388.md?page=3)