# Funnest Onion story ever! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 29, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388 "2009-06-29T20:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![divemaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/divemaster/32/78_2.png) [@divemaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/divemaster)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/41 "2009-06-30T18:30:25Z")
**Newly Unearthed Time Capsule Just Full Of Useless Old Crap** > [@](#): > > ATCHISON, KS—A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of Atchison, KS, Tuesday, when a 60-year-old time capsule unearthed from the site of a demolished library was found to contain a bunch of useless old crap. > > “What were the people who buried this thing thinking?” asked Atchison mayor Donald Kirschwald, following a capsule-opening ceremony at Atchison Town Hall. “None of this stuff is worth a red cent. It’s all a bunch of stupid, worthless junk: newspapers, photographs, children’s toys, sheet music, a pen knife, an iron and some rusty kitchen appliances. Big deal.” > > … > > Though the capsule also bore the instructions, “Not to be unsealed until 2939 A.D.,” civic leaders decided it should be opened as soon as possible. “Everyone was very excited about the capsule,” Kirschwald said. "We thought, ‘What if it contains gold? Or pirate treasure? Or a deed to a diamond mine?’ > > … > > Local residents conjectured that it contained everything from solid-gold Egyptian tomb idols to the British crown jewels to vials of pure uranium. > “The speculation really got ridiculous,” Kirschwald said. “How would a Kansas farm town get a hold of Egyptian tomb idols, especially during the Depression? It’s just absurd. Now, Disney stock certificates, that’s what I was counting on.” [full article here](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29220) ---
**Author:** ![Tio\_Gringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5e925/32.png) [@Tio\_Gringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tio_Gringo)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/42 "2009-06-30T18:42:35Z")
My absolute favorite: [NASA Baffled by Failure of Straw Shuttle](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50100) > [@](#): > > “The straw ship was dry, light-weight and well-bailed enough to break the earth’s orbit, but inexplicably burst into flames when ignited with 3,000 gallons of rocket fuel,” said NASA Chief Engineer George Toshikima. Makes me laugh until I snort everytime I read it. ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/43 "2009-06-30T18:48:10Z")
> [@Trion](#): > > My favorite of these was in an issue that came out shortly after George Harrison died. It said simply “Ringo Next.” You reminded me of this one: **Ramones reunion nearly complete** ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Norse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/big_norse/32/9954_2.png) [@Big\_Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Norse)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/44 "2009-06-30T18:58:56Z")
> [@Runestar](#): > > I always loved the horoscopes. > > My favorite was the horoscope “correction” they once published. “Last week’s horoscope was incorrect. The line ‘tall, dark stranger’ should actually have read ‘enraged lowland gorilla’. We apologize for any inconvenience.” A have an Onion horoscope on my bulletin board: “Taurus - While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Buttons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@Mr\_Buttons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Buttons)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/45 "2009-06-30T19:08:13Z")
[Weed delivery guy saves Christmas](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30821) ---
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/46 "2009-06-30T19:23:29Z")
> [@MissMossie](#): > > I don’t think that I’ll ever stop finding [Johnson & Johnson Introduces ‘Nothing But Tears’ Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/johnson_johnson_introduces_nothing) funny. Thank you for that. I loled. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/47 "2009-06-30T19:23:29Z")
> [@Runestar](#): > > I always loved the horoscopes. > > My favorite was the horoscope “correction” they once published. “Last week’s horoscope was incorrect. The line ‘tall, dark stranger’ should actually have read ‘enraged lowland gorilla’. We apologize for any inconvenience.” They’re my favorite, too. ---
**Author:** ![Carl\_Corey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Carl\_Corey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carl_Corey)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/48 "2009-06-30T19:26:53Z")
I always liked “Patrick Stewart’s Voice Gives Credibility to Advertisement.” ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/49 "2009-06-30T20:24:18Z")
The smartest and funniest Onion piece ever was a brief headline: **Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality** ---
**Author:** ![sweepkick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@sweepkick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweepkick)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/50 "2009-06-30T21:01:47Z")
I always found this one eerily prophetic, dated January 2001: [Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784) ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/51 "2009-06-30T21:04:15Z")
- The Onion Remembers Michael Jackson Michael Jackson King Of Pop Dead At 12 06.26.09 LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12… ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/52 "2009-06-30T21:12:32Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > - > > The Onion Remembers Michael Jackson > > Michael Jackson > King Of Pop Dead At 12 06.26.09 > > LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12… You left out the best part: > [@](#): > > The singer leaves behind a large body of hits, 25,000 unopened toys, and nearly $400 million of debt. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/53 "2009-06-30T21:19:20Z")
If I thought Mother Teresa was as saintly as people say she is, it would be a lot funnier. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/54 "2009-06-30T21:28:28Z")
I still smile about the seventh tip [here](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38326). ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2009, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/55 "2009-06-30T21:43:59Z")
Much of their best work lately has been in videos, and if [Sony Releases New Stupid Peice of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of) doesn’t make you laugh, you’ve never bought anything electronic. ---
**Author:** ![rexnervous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@rexnervous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rexnervous)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2009, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/56 "2009-07-01T00:16:50Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Much of their best work lately has been in videos, and if [Sony Releases New Stupid Peice of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of) doesn’t make you laugh, you’ve never bought anything electronic. Their videos are fantastic - well-produced mimicry of real news in a variety of formats A great one: [DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted of Bear Attack](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/dna_evidence_frees_black_man) Or, for sports/NCAA fanatics [NCAA Expands March Madness to Include 4,096 Teams](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ncaa_expands_march_madness_to) ---
**Author:** ![TJVM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b38774/32.png) [@TJVM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJVM)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2009, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/57 "2009-07-01T01:33:49Z")
If we’re including videos, I have to nominate [Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film as ‘Fun, Watchable.’](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/trekkies_bash_new_star_trek_film) ---
**Author:** ![Estilicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Estilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Estilicon)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2009, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/58 "2009-07-01T03:07:53Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > If I thought Mother Teresa was as saintly as people say she is, it would be a lot funnier. This is not kosher. There are other threads for this. The five blade razor article is the best of the best. ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2009, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/59 "2009-07-01T04:08:32Z")
I always liked: [The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/raped_environment_led_polluters_on) ---
**Author:** ![Purd\_Werfect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47c2d/32.png) [@Purd\_Werfect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Purd_Werfect)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2009, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388/60 "2009-07-01T14:31:21Z")
My favorite was the headline: “Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funnest-onion-story-ever/501388.md?page=4)