# Funniest column ever **URL:** \ **Category:** Cecil's Columns/Staff Reports\ **Created:** [March 23, 2000, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779 "2000-03-23T19:02:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![rraygun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@rraygun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rraygun)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/1 "2000-03-24T06:00:00Z")
“Should you not throw rice at weddings because birds swallow it and explode?” [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5\_081.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_081.html) Okay, I’m nominating this for the funniest Straight Dope column ever. ---
**Author:** ![Beruang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/77aa72/32.png) [@Beruang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beruang)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/2 "2000-03-24T06:21:00Z")
I especially liked the “animal sacrifice” line. * * * “The dawn of a new era is felt and not measured.” Walter Lord ---
**Author:** ![SuperNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@SuperNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuperNerd)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/3 "2000-03-23T19:02:00Z")
I’ll have to nominate why do men feel sleepy after sex: [http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1140/why-do-men-feel-sleepy-after-sex](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1140/why-do-men-feel-sleepy-after-sex) This is the one that got me addicted to this place … ---
**Author:** ![KimKatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ac91a4/32.png) [@KimKatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KimKatt)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/4 "2000-03-23T20:35:00Z")
I’m voting with SuperNerd on this one. That column is hilarious. * * * Any similarities between your reality and mine are purely coincidental. ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/5 "2000-03-25T04:09:00Z")
Well, this is my favorite of all time, and durned funny. [The story of Schroedinger’s cat (an epic poem)](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_122.html) * * * “If you prick me, do I not…leak?” --Lt. Commander Data ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/6 "2000-03-25T05:50:00Z")
I like all of Cecil’s columns, but I have to admit especially enjoying this one: [http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1297/whats-the-story-with-the-taos-hum](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1297/whats-the-story-with-the-taos-hum) For this passage in particular: > [@](#): > > The wind whistling through this bridge, her coworker Mark had previously informed her, is the source of the Taos hum. Jill knows that everything Mark says is total crap, but figured she had to start somewhere. [Note: This message has been edited by JillGat] ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2000, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/7 "2000-03-28T17:18:00Z")
Gee Jill, not above gratuitous self-promotion, huh? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![december](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/838e76/32.png) [@december](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/december)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2000, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/8 "2000-03-28T19:18:00Z")
Here’s another vote for Schroedinger’s Cat. Cecil – could you write more answers in verse? ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2000, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/9 "2000-03-28T20:05:00Z")
> **[What’s the story with the Taos hum?](https://www.straightdope.com/21342440/what-s-the-story-with-the-taos-hum)** > > Dear Cecil: > What's the story with the mysterious hum in Taos, New Mexico? I remember it was a popular subject among screwballs and scientists with nothing better to do in the early 90s, but I... [[Gee Jill, not above gratuitous self-promotion, huh?]] It was the gratuitous slam of my ex-coworker that I most enjoyed in that column. If you knew Mark, you’d laugh every time you read it, too. Jill ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2000, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/10 "2000-04-04T18:43:00Z")
Anyone notice that, despite the high-quality doggerel, Cecil never answered the question of how Schrödinger’s Cat can be _simultaneously_ dead and alive? All that dance about probability is cute, but the quarter in my pocket has a 50-50 chance of landing on either side. But no one’s claiming that the quarter is simultaneously heads and tails until someone sees which way it fell. * * * “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” - Marx ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2000, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/11 "2000-04-06T02:31:00Z")
[http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5\_071.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_071.html) The “Does a duck’s quack echo?” column, made me laugh so hard I woke up the other people in the house, who proceeded to laugh so hard they forgave me for waking them up. Hee hee. I like the part about the experiment changing to how to make three people quack like a duck. Anyway, this column has my vote. * * * Juliefoolie ---
**Author:** ![Asmodeus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@Asmodeus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asmodeus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/12 "2000-04-08T21:02:00Z")
The funniest column I have read on this site was not written by Unca Cec…not to take anything away from him. It was written by Mrs. Euty…about the number of cities in the US…very funny! [http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/muscities.html](http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/muscities.html) * * * Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. – Charles Pierce ---
**Author:** ![ComixChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f6c823/32.png) [@ComixChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ComixChick)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/13 "2000-04-21T22:13:00Z")
You know, a quarter can land on its side, tho it’s rare. So it’s really not a 50/50 chance of landing heads or tails. Anyway, the whole point of Schroedinger’s cat is that the assumption covers both the cat being dead and the cat being alive. It isn’t really both dead and alive; it’s assumed to be. See? Clear as latte. PS - I laughed my ass off reading that column almost 10 years ago, and I still do when I reread it. It gets my vote * * * Smile when you say that… ---
**Author:** ![HaploXL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@HaploXL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HaploXL)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2000, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/14 "2000-04-23T08:33:00Z")
OH MY GOD, LMFAO I LIVE THAT. That part about the animal sacrifice LOL. GOD I love this page. ---
**Author:** ![HaploXL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@HaploXL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HaploXL)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2000, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/15 "2000-04-23T08:55:00Z")
I have already bowed to cecil’s greatness and again i must commend him on a job well done. The Cat one is cool. (but i still liek the bird sacrifices. LOL) * * * Remember Franklin Osis, Father of his Clan. Three Strengths he gave us: The jaguar’s spring that brings an enemy down, The jaguar’s claw’s that rend the enemy’s heart, The jaguar’s taste for the enemy’s hot blood. -“The Remembrance” (Clan Smoke Jaguar), Passage 104, Verse 18, Lines 5-10 ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2000, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/16 "2000-04-29T22:08:34Z")
Well, actually Schroedinger’s point was that the laws governing the behavior of sub-atomic particles (quantum mechanics) become absurd if applied to the macro world. The cat can only be either alive of dead, it’s the atom that’s uncertain. He was saying, like, if these are the things the macro world is made up of, isn’t it weird they operate with two sets of rules. Still a good poem, tho. ---
**Author:** ![Arken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@Arken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arken)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2000, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/17 "2000-05-02T20:03:55Z")
My personal favourite would have to be the ‘Why can’t a human impregnate a cat?’ question. I must have laughed at Cecil’s answer for an hour. ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2000, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/18 "2000-05-02T21:30:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > My personal favourite would have to be the ‘Why can’t a human impregnate a cat?’ question. > > I must have laughed at Cecil’s answer for an hour. > \*\* Not remembering that one, I had to search the archives. Cecil has, once again, mastered the subtle scientific reasoning behind this biological mystery in his [column](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_195a.html). ---
**Author:** ![bldysabba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@bldysabba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bldysabba)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2012, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/19 "2012-07-20T07:22:45Z")
I’m reviving this to ask if people had more recommendations. [The birds exploding column](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1096/should-you-not-throw-rice-at-weddings-because-birds-swallow-it-and-explode) is hilarious. My contribution is [this one](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1377/to-slow-a-stick-shift-car-should-you-brake-or-downshift), although it’s probably not as funny as some of the columns in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2012, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779/20 "2012-07-21T12:37:51Z")
MODERATOR NOTE: Be aware that **bldysabba** ’s post revives a thread from 12 years ago. That’s OK in this forum, but I just want people to be aware that many of the prior posters probably aren’t around any more. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-column-ever/1779.md?page=2)