# Funniest/Dirtiest Shakespearean Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 9, 2003, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958 "2003-12-09T17:27:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/1 "2003-12-09T17:27:48Z")
Some other lit-geeks and I were having this conversation outside of the library after an exam today. My two favorites are as follows: _Cymbeline_, 2.3 - Cloten has hired musicians to play at Imogen’s door in hopes of getting to speak to her and seduce her, making an unintentional double-entendre when instructing a musician. > [@](#): > > Come on, tune! If you can penetrate her with your fingering, so I’ll try with tongue too _Titus Andronicus_, 4.2 - Tamora, empress of Rome, gives birth to a black baby, which everyone knows won’t please the emperor. Her angry sons, Chiron and Demetrius, find her Moorish boyfriend, Aaron. > [@](#): > > Demetrius: Villain, what hast thou done? > Aaron: That which thou canst not undo. > Chiron: Undo? Thou hast undone our mother! > Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother. I think my favorite clean(ish) jokes are during the play-within-a-play in _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_. Shakespeare indulges in a little Elizabethan MST3K and has a few characters taking shots at the actors as they watch. And the Philostrate’s comments about the show before it’s performed… hehe _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ 5.1 > [@](#): > > And tragical, my noble lord it is > For Pyramus therein doth kill himsef. > Which, when I saw rehearsed, I must confess > Made mine eyes water; but more merry tears > The passion of loud laughter never shed Anyone else? LC ---
**Author:** ![Journeyman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/779978/32.png) [@Journeyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Journeyman)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/2 "2003-12-09T18:24:20Z")
“For I can take, and Pistol’s cock is up, And flashing fire shall follow!” - Henry V “What, with my tongue in your tail?” - Taming of the Shrew ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/3 "2003-12-09T18:37:23Z")
Well, the _Titus Andronicus_ joke was the first thing that came to mind when I read the thread title, but I see you beat me to it. As far as clean ones go, I love Hotspur’s skeptical retort to Glendower: “I can call spirits from the vasty deep.” “Why, so can I, or so can any man, But will they come when you do call for them?” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/4 "2003-12-09T18:46:45Z")
You kinda have to quote the whole exchange, not just the punchline: Petruccio:\_Come,\_come,\_you\_wasp,\_i’\_faith\_you\_are\_too\_angry. Katherine:\_If\_I\_be\_waspish,\_best\_beware\_my\_sting. Petruccio:\_My\_remedy\_is\_then\_to\_pluck\_it\_out. Katherine:\_Ay,\_if\_the\_fool\_could\_find\_where\_it\_lies. Petruccio:\_Who\_knows\_not\_where\_a\_wasp\_does\_wear\_his\_sting? In\_his\_tail. Katherine:\_In\_his\_tongue. Petruccio:\_Whose\_tongue? Katherine:\_Yours,\_if\_you\_talk\_of\_tales,\_and\_so\_farewell. Petruccio:\_What,\_with\_my\_tongue\_in\_your\_tail? ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/5 "2003-12-09T18:48:03Z")
Damn. I swear those underlines were not there when I hit “submit!” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/6 "2003-12-09T20:29:45Z")
Only somewhat dirty, but I think my favorite Shakespearean joke is the Belgium, Netherlands bit from the end of the Geography of Nell, in _The Comedy of Errors_. It doesn’t stand too well out of context, though. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/7 "2003-12-09T21:32:07Z")
Hamlet (to Ophelia) “Lady, shall I lie in your lap?” Ophelia: “No, my lord.” Hamlet: “I mean my head upon your lap?” Ophelia: “Ay, my lord.” Hamlet: “Do you think I meant country matters?” Ophelia: “I think nothing, my lord.” Hamlet: “That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs.” Ophelia: “What is, my lord?” Hamlet: “No thing.” I especially like the use of “country.” Great pun, but not as obvious now as it was in Shakespeare’s time. ---
**Author:** ![Badandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/73ab20/32.png) [@Badandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badandi)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/8 "2003-12-10T00:34:46Z")
Malvolio:By my life, this is my lady’s hand, these be her very C’s, her U’s, and her T’s… Sir Andrew:Her C’s, her U’s, her T’s: why that? -Twelfth Night Not especially dirty, but still makes me smile. ---
**Author:** ![burundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@burundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burundi)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/9 "2003-12-10T00:42:28Z")
In _Much Ado About Nothing_, Benedick tells Beatrice, “I will live in thy heart; die in thy lap; and be buried in thine eyes.” Which doesn’t sound dirty, unless you know that “die” was slang for orgasm. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/10 "2003-12-10T01:46:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by burundi \* > \*\*In _Much Ado About Nothing_, Benedick tells Beatrice, “I will live in thy heart; die in thy lap; and be buried in thine eyes.” Which doesn’t sound dirty, unless you know that “die” was slang for orgasm. \*\* Wasn’t it “Be born in thy eyes, live in thy heart, and die in thy lap?” ---
**Author:** ![Gmork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f19dbf/32.png) [@Gmork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gmork)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/11 "2003-12-10T02:18:41Z")
Noo! **Badandi** you forgot…'with which she makes her great ‘P’s!’ ---
**Author:** ![MusicJunkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@MusicJunkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MusicJunkie)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/12 "2003-12-10T02:28:09Z")
I don’t get the “nothings” in Hamlet and the C’s and the U’s and the T’s. ---
**Author:** ![Gmork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f19dbf/32.png) [@Gmork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gmork)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/13 "2003-12-10T02:35:27Z")
Noo! **Badandi** you forgot…'with which she makes her great ‘P’s!’ ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/14 "2003-12-10T04:55:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RealityChuck \* > \*\*Hamlet (to Ophelia) “Lady, shall I lie in your lap?” > Ophelia: “No, my lord.” > Hamlet: “I mean my head upon your lap?” > Ophelia: “Ay, my lord.” > Hamlet: “Do you think I meant country matters?” > Ophelia: “I think nothing, my lord.” > Hamlet: “That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs.” > Ophelia: “What is, my lord?” > Hamlet: “No thing.” > > I especially like the use of “country.” Great pun, but not as obvious now as it was in Shakespeare’s time. \*\* One of my favorite \*Hamlet \*passages. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-dirtiest-shakespearean-jokes/217958/15 "2003-12-10T06:25:08Z")
A clean one from _Hamlet_, that I’ve always liked, that has the MST3K-ness to it: HAMLET: What did you enact? LORD POLONIUS: I did enact Julius Caesar: I was killed i’ the Capitol; Brutus killed me. because, of course, in telling Hamlet, he’s telling Burbage, the actor who played Brutus.