# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/181 "2017-02-10T18:58:35Z")
**M_A_S\*H** The 4077th is trying to call Radar after he’s gone home. **KLINGER:** What time is it in Ottumwa, Iowa? **WINCHESTER:** 1881. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/182 "2017-02-10T18:58:37Z")
From the _George of the Jungle_ TV show, paraphrasing from memory. George and Ape are being held in a cell by animal trainer Claude Badly. Ape: George, you should give your elephant call. George bellows like an elephant. Time passes. Ape: I don’t understand it. It’s been 18 hours since you gave your elephant call. Shep should have been here to break us out by now. George: That’s because George not call Shep. George call elephant. If you want George to call Shep, you should say so. Ape: But George, Shep _is_ an elephant. George: No, Shep is a doggie. Big, gray, peanut loving poochie. Watch. George call Shep. - George whistles. HERE, SHEP! COME HERE, BOY! Loud trumpeting is heard, Shep arrives immediately. George: See? Shep doggie, not elephant. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/183 "2017-02-10T19:05:46Z")
From Tom Slick. (Baron Otto Matic keeps crashing into Tom’s car, the Thunderbolt Grease-Slapper. Tom has to take action). Tom: Confound that careless fellow. I’ll need protection against his erratic driving. Marigold: Here, Tom. Put these rubber bumpers on the side of your car. Tom: Good idea. Where did you get them, Marigold? Marigold: I borrowed them from that baby buggy over there. Tom: Rubber baby buggy bumpers? Track announcer: Uh oh. It looks like a bad time coming up for your announcer, folks. ---
**Author:** ![Frumpy\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@Frumpy\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frumpy_Jones)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/184 "2017-02-10T19:26:33Z")
I cannot remember the show. But it was a family ensemble thinghy with kids ranging from 8 to 18. There was a group of high school girls dancing (cheerleaders?) kinda provocatively and one of the older brothers (17ish) was watching them with I’d say his 9-11 year old younger brother. The 9 year old says: “I dunno why… but I want to give the one in the middle all my money.” I did an actual spit take. It was just delivered perfectly, and I had no chance of swallowing the liquid before I laughed. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/186 "2017-02-10T20:59:07Z")
From Benny Hill: Hill plays a Western sheriff who arrives at a camp where a woman is tied to a pole. Woman: Oh sheriff! Thank God you came! Jesse Custer’s gang captured me and tied me to this pole and taunted me and teased me and tore off my clothing and had their way with me! (As she’s speaking, Hill’s looking at the camera, smiling lasciviously, saying “uh huh” “uh huh”. Hill, loosening his belt: This just ain’t yore day is it? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/187 "2017-02-10T21:46:51Z")
**THE SIMPSONS** At the library, Homer asks for a Japanese phone book. He finds the number he needs and turns to the librarian. **HOMER:** Can I use the telephone? **LIBRARIAN:** Is it a local call? **HOMER:** Uhhhhh … yes. The librarian pushes the phone across the counter. Without saying a word, he watches Homer slowly punch in the overseas number. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/188 "2017-02-10T21:52:33Z")
Pheobe from Friends always made me laugh. Chandler: We’re putting furniture together. Pheebs, wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could but I don’t want to. Monica: Phoebe, do you have a plan? Phoebe: I don’t even have a ‘pla’. Interviewer: Phoebe? How do you spell that so we can get it right? Phoebe: That’s p as in Phoebe, h as in hoebe, o as in oebe, e as in ebe, b as in bee be and e as in 'ello there, mate! ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/189 "2017-02-10T21:52:47Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **THE SIMPSONS** > > At the library, Homer asks for a Japanese phone book. He finds the number he needs and turns to the librarian. > > **HOMER:** Can I use the telephone? > > **LIBRARIAN:** Is it a local call? > > **HOMER:** Uhhhhh … yes. > > The librarian pushes the phone across the counter. Without saying a word, he watches Homer slowly punch in the overseas number. [I do not remember that, but that is pretty funny. Here is the clip.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LBri1P4gZw) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/190 "2017-02-10T22:01:41Z")
One from M_A_S\*H that I frequently find occasion to use: Margaret, getting ready to change a flat tire: “The least you can do is get out of the jeep!” Hawkeye, getting out: “Never let it be said that I didn’t do the least I could have done”. From Benny Hill: Attractive women: “I always give tit for tat”. Benny Hill: “Tat”. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/191 "2017-02-10T22:04:43Z")
Wait! One more from Friends but not Pheobe. Chandler complains about Joey’s tailor moving his junk around. Joey: That’s how they do pants! Ross: Yeah. . . in prison! ---
**Author:** ![Guest-starring\_Id](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guest-starring_id/32/21736_2.png) [@Guest-starring\_Id](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guest-starring_Id)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2017, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/192 "2017-02-10T22:24:28Z")
“Where’s my ears??? I WANT MY EARS!!!” - Chevy Chase as Spock on SNL having a nervous breakdown after receiving news of ST’s cancellation. (IMO - One of the _very few_ genuinely funny things he ever did.) anything proactive Carlin said on _Bob Newhart_. I’ll be pained if I’m asked for the source: “DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!!!” "SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS _PER-VERT_!!! “Stupid git.” ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/193 "2017-02-11T00:03:14Z")
> [@Mr.Greenjeans](#): > > That one is possibly my favorite line of all time. It’s not only the line; Leslie Nielson’s flat delivery makes it perfect. > > So I’ll offer my second favorites, all from a single episode of \*Futurama \*called “The Deep South”: > > Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is the perfect chance for Fry to try out my new anti-pressure pills. > [opens a bottle and a giant pill falls out] > Fry: I cant swallow that. > Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, then good news. It’s a suppository. > > * * * > > Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dear Lord! That’s over 150 atmospheres of pressure! > Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand? > Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it’s a space ship, so I’d say anywhere between zero and one. > > * * * > > Hermes Conrad: I’d love to stay, but I miss my wife and oxygen. > Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gasses. > > You know, I just realized that all three of those punchlines are delivered by the Professor. My all-time favorite Futurama line was delivered by Leela in her first appearance. She’s supposed to assign Fry his job: Fry: But what if I refuse? Leela: Then you’ll be fired. Fry: Fine! Leela: …out of a cannon…into the Sun. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/194 "2017-02-11T00:13:37Z")
**FUTURAMA** **AMAZON QUEEN:** Men so **stupid**! Why you keep men?!? \*\*AMY: \*\* Well … (_Whispers something in the Queen’s ear._) **AMAZON QUEEN:** Ahhh! _Snu-snu_! ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/195 "2017-02-11T00:26:29Z")
> [@Kamino\_Neko](#): > > Nah, the best Tick line is from the animated series. Tick and Arthur and being interviewed, and the interviewer asks what Tick’s powers are, but Tick doesn’t seem to actually know, so the interviewer keeps throwing out suggestions, finally getting to… > > \ Do you have the power to destroy the Earth? > \ Ye GADS! I hope not…that’s where I keep all my stuff! > > I find surprisingly many opportunities to use that line in my life. I don’t know if it will work out of context, but on line that had my wife and myself in hysterics was when a mustache appeared on the Tick’s face, and he discovered it had the ability to move around independently \* Arthur! My mustache is touching my **brain**! \* ---
**Author:** ![Wolf333](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf333/32/3460_2.png) [@Wolf333](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolf333)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/196 "2017-02-11T00:53:15Z")
A few from _Invader Zim_: Tallest #1: Didn’t we banish you to Foodcourtia? Tallest #2: Yeah, shouldn’t you be frying something? Zim: Oh, I quit that. Tallest #2: You quit being banished? Ms. Bitters: Zim! There’s a pigeon on your head. You’ve got head pigeons. Go see the nurse. Gaz: I’m trying to draw little piggies. Can’t you see I’m trying to draw little piggies? From _The Tick_: [IT’S A YULE TIDE!](https://youtu.be/-2xZ75ZTDWU) ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/197 "2017-02-11T01:10:41Z")
My favorite line from **Futurama:** At a horse race, the winner of a dead heat is determined by using an electron microscope to show one horse beat the other by a single atom. Prof. Farnsworth shouts: “You FOOLS!! You changed the outcome by measuring it!” Mr. T appears in an episode of **Silver Spoons** as Ricky Schroeder’s bodyguard. When asked his real name, he says: “That _is_ my real name! First name: Mister. Middle name: period. Last name…T!!!” Later, when it’s time for lunch, Mr. T says: “Oh good, they’re serving my favorite…quiche!!” [“Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche” was a popular meme at the time.] ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/198 "2017-02-11T02:38:50Z")
**DOCUMENTARY ON MEN WHO ARE ACTUALLY MICE** **PRESENTER (MICHAEL PALIN):** A typical case, whom we shall refer to as “Mr A,” although his real name is this: **VOICEOVER (JOHN CLEESE) and CAPTION:** ARTHUR JACKSON 32A MILTON AVENUE, HOUNSLOW, MIDDLESEX. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/199 "2017-02-11T03:25:07Z")
Just Shoot Me! - Slow Donnie: Jack: Hey, Donnie. I think I finally have these tubes figured out. Donnie DiMauro: [quietly] Kill me now. Jack: See, it’s hot air that pushes things through the tubes. Donnie DiMauro: Donnie says vacuum. Jack: Boy, when you get an idea in your head, you stick to it like taffy. See, when air gets hot, it rises. Donnie DiMauro: Vacuum! Jack: No, hot air. It’s what causes a Pop-Tart to pop out of the toaster, or how helicopters… Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, for the love of God! It’s not hot air! It’s not magnets! It’s a vacuum, Jacko! Like a straw! You ever use a straw, huh, lab partner? Air taken out from one end is replaced from the other end, that creates air pressure that propels things through the freaking tubes! [Notices everyone is looking] Donnie DiMauro: [slow Donnie voice] I love you, tubes. [everyone still stares] Donnie DiMauro: Green quarter. [still staring] Donnie DiMauro: Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie! Elliot: Donnie, what the hell? Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, crap. Now I gotta get a job. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/200 "2017-02-11T03:25:56Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **FUTURAMA** > > **AMAZON QUEEN:** Men so **stupid**! Why you keep men?!? > > \*\*AMY: \*\* Well … (_Whispers something in the Queen’s ear._) > > **AMAZON QUEEN:** Ahhh! _Snu-snu_! Death by snu-snu! Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. ---
**Author:** ![Tinker\_Grey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tinker_grey/32/8136_2.png) [@Tinker\_Grey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tinker_Grey)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/201 "2017-02-11T03:38:21Z")
News Radio: Jimmy James: “But Jimmy has fancy plans… and pants to match.” Question: "What did you mean when you said, “Feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey, donkey donkey?” [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/YpUJbUTljfU/hqdefault.jpg "Super Karate Monkey Death Car") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpUJbUTljfU) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=11)