# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/202 "2017-02-11T03:40:24Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Just Shoot Me! - Slow Donnie: > > Jack: Hey, Donnie. I think I finally have these tubes figured out. > Donnie DiMauro: [quietly] Kill me now. > Jack: See, it’s hot air that pushes things through the tubes. > Donnie DiMauro: Donnie says vacuum. > Jack: Boy, when you get an idea in your head, you stick to it like taffy. See, when air gets hot, it rises. > Donnie DiMauro: Vacuum! > Jack: No, hot air. It’s what causes a Pop-Tart to pop out of the toaster, or how helicopters… > Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, for the love of God! It’s not hot air! It’s not magnets! It’s a vacuum, Jacko! Like a straw! You ever use a straw, huh, lab partner? Air taken out from one end is replaced from the other end, that creates air pressure that propels things through the freaking tubes! > [Notices everyone is looking] > Donnie DiMauro: [slow Donnie voice] I love you, tubes. > [everyone still stares] > Donnie DiMauro: Green quarter. > [still staring] > Donnie DiMauro: Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie! > Elliot: Donnie, what the hell? > Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, crap. Now I gotta get a job. Still one of the funniest scenes ever, ever! Still sing the chicken pot song to hubby when I want him to do something I’m quite capable of but don’t wanna do. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/203 "2017-02-11T03:44:22Z")
Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/204 "2017-02-11T03:49:19Z")
Big Bang Theory Amy: One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/205 "2017-02-11T04:17:26Z")
_The Drew Carey Show_: Drew, Lewis, Oswald, and Kate sneak into Lewis’s employer, DrugCo, to look for Drew’s dog, which has been given a drug to treat cataracts. The dog has been missing for a week. Drew and Lewis enter a room with an animal that looks like a cross between a gorilla and hippopotamus. Lewis reads a sign next to the door. “It says here, it’s called a monkapotamus.” Drew responds, “Why would anybody want to combine the digestive system of a hippopotamus with the throwing strength of an ape?” ---
**Author:** ![CelticKnot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/celticknot/32/3392_2.png) [@CelticKnot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CelticKnot)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/206 "2017-02-11T04:29:51Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Emily Hartley: Bob! Bob, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. On my list of funniest ever moments in TV history: last scene of _Newhart_ when Bob wakes up and describes his dream of Vermont. Then Suzanne Pleshette sits up next to him! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/207 "2017-02-11T04:57:24Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Death by snu-snu! Alriiiiiiiight! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![CelticKnot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/celticknot/32/3392_2.png) [@CelticKnot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CelticKnot)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/208 "2017-02-11T04:59:35Z")
Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In “News of future 20 years from now… President Ronald Reagan…” Pause of at least a minute while the audience laughs uproariously. What made it so funny to me was that I was watching it on Nick at Night in college. It really was 20 years in the future and Ronald Reagan was president!:smack: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/209 "2017-02-11T05:24:03Z")
\*\*BIZARRE SUPER DAVE OSBORNE’S MOST DANGEROUS STUNT: INSULTING MR T\*\* **SUPER DAVE:** (_Reading from index cards_) “In _ **Rocky III** _, they called you ‘Clubber Lang.’ Now that I see you in person, it should have been ‘Blubber Lang.’” **[NO REACTION]** “Where do you get your hair cut? In a pet shop?” **[AGAIN, NO REACTION]** “You know something? I’d have trouble picking you out in a room full of faggots!” **[STILL NO REACTION]** “What’s black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot at McDonald’s? Mr T and a pigeon fighting over an old French fry.” _I shall leave you to watch the entire sketch and its climax **here** :_ [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/duj35NdOvnU/hqdefault.jpg "Super Dave Vs Mr.T - Best of YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duj35NdOvnU) ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/210 "2017-02-11T07:23:08Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > \ > **NARRATOR:**** Chinook**—a cold wind that blows out of the north. \ [Tedious pedant hat ON]A chinook is a warm wind that blows out of the west.[/TPH] > [@gaffa](#): > > I don’t know if it will work out of context, but on line that had my wife and myself in hysterics was when a mustache appeared on the Tick’s face, and he discovered it had the ability to move around independently > \* > Arthur! My mustache is touching my **brain**! \* We loved The Tick so much - we still quote from the show regularly. My contribution from “Friends” - Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don’t have a dream. Ross: Ah, the lesser known “I Don’t Have a Dream” speech. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/211 "2017-02-11T10:34:25Z")
Firefly: [Darn.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPRlHwwVIug) ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/212 "2017-02-11T14:55:29Z")
Another ‘Friends’ Joey: All right, Rach. The big question is, “does he like you?” All right? Because if he doesn’t like you, this is all a moo point. Rachel: Huh. A moo point? Joey: Yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/213 "2017-02-11T18:07:09Z")
[If you want to disappear down the “Friends” funny quotes for a couple of hours.](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108778/quotes) I don’t remember a lot of funny lines from “Family Ties,” but this one still makes me grin when I think of it - Elyse is practicing a song for the PBS pledge drive. She’s hugely pregnant. She is having trouble reaching one of the high notes in the song, as she practices and some stage hands work around her. As she’s singing and playing guitar, she goes into labour as she reaches the high note in the song, and gives a bloodcurdling shriek. The stage hand observes, “You really nailed it that time!” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2017, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/214 "2017-02-11T20:03:23Z")
> [@ExTank](#): > > Firefly: [Darn.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPRlHwwVIug) Oh, yes. The instant I knew the show was a keeper. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/215 "2017-02-12T05:26:52Z")
**M_A_S\*H** (_General Barker [Sorrell Booke] is looking for Hawkeye. He finds Radar at Henry’s desk, smoking a cigar and drinking brandy.)_ General: Corporal! What are you doing? Radar: Doing, Sir? General: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing? Radar: I’m listening to you spell “doing,” Sir. ---
**Author:** ![Enuma\_Elish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Enuma\_Elish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enuma_Elish)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/216 "2017-02-12T10:13:03Z")
MASH: I don’t remember the entire scene, but Hawkeye and Frank have been going at each other. Frank responds to a Hawkeye jab with: “You … You …” Hawkeye responds: “Who you calling a youyou?” ---
**Author:** ![TCMF-2L](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tcmf-2l/32/16553_2.png) [@TCMF-2L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TCMF-2L)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/217 "2017-02-12T15:56:56Z")
Back when I was watching it I used to get a laugh from **Lexx**. Trouble is writing down ‘_The dead do not poo_’ it doesn’t look quite so funny. I guess you had to be there. Equally the Brunnen-G fight song played as a piano based pub shanty was hilarious back then. It was a different time. TCMF-2L ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/218 "2017-02-12T15:57:51Z")
> [@Enuma\_Elish](#): > > MASH: I don’t remember the entire scene, but Hawkeye and Frank have been going at each other. Frank responds to a Hawkeye jab with: “You … You …” Hawkeye responds: “Who you calling a youyou?” Daffy Duck said the same thing to Elmer Fudd once. In another episode of _M_A_S_H, \* Frank approaches a local peddler and says angrily, “Hey, you! That watch you sold me runs backwards!” The peddler says, “Try other wrist!” So Frank does! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/219 "2017-02-12T18:07:37Z")
**Friends** , Rachel iirc. “Yesterday I was at rock bottom. Today, there’s rock bottom then 50ft. of crap and then me.” Lithgow on **Third Rock From The Sun**. (Paraphrased from memory.) “Time to apply the electrodes of learning to the nipples of ignorance”. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/220 "2017-02-12T18:25:33Z")
M_A_S\*H: Hawkeye tosses his dirty underwear over the barrier that Charles has erected between himself and the two other surgeons. The underwear is tossed right back. **B.J.** : You’ve got to stop buying that boomerang brand. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2017, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/221 "2017-02-12T19:08:22Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > [Tedious pedant hat ON]A chinook is a warm wind that blows out of the west.[/TPH] In **_CANADA_?!?** :dubious: Nothing is warm in Canada! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=12)