# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/242 "2017-02-15T18:57:13Z")
Actually, that Superman quip brings to mind LOIS & CLARK – the episode where a sardonic time traveller is obviously out to murder our hero, but Lois Lane can’t figure out why the heck he’d head to 1960s Smallville to do it. > [@](#): > > Oh, this is good; this is really good. Um. Lois, did you know that, in the future, you’re revered at the same level as Superman? Why, there are books about you; statues; an interactive game. You’re even a breakfast cereal! > > “Really?” > > Yes. But, as much as everybody loves you, there is one question that keeps coming up: _“How Dumb Was She?”_ Here, I’ll show you what I mean. > > [puts glasses on] > > “I’m Clark Kent.” > > [takes glasses off] > > “No, I’m Superman!” > > [puts glasses on] > > “Mild-Mannered Reporter.” > > [takes glasses off] > > “Superhero!” > > Hello? DUH! _Clark Kent Is Superman._ Hahaha. Well, that was worth the whole trip: to actually meet the most galactically stupid woman who ever lived! ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/243 "2017-02-15T20:17:54Z")
Another one from _Cheers_: (Frasier walks out of the back room after a conversation with Lilith) Norm: So, what’s your punishment? Frasier: I’m not getting any. Norm: You’re getting off lucky. Frasier: You don’t understand - I’m. Not. Getting. Any. Norm: I understood you fine - You’re. Getting. Off. Lucky. And one from Three’s Company: Janet (discussing, IIRC, Jack’s girlfriend): It’s right here on her business card - The Rapist! Jack’s girlfriend: That’s ‘therapist’ ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/244 "2017-02-16T03:50:40Z")
\*\*Cheers \*\*again. Frasier: I have to go use the sandbox. Diane: Why a grown man feels the need to euphemize is beyond me. Woody: Well, he did drink that beer awfully fast. mmm ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/245 "2017-02-16T04:30:02Z")
**HOGAN’S HEROES** Carter and LeBeau are trying to break Newkirk out of a Gestapo prison: **CARTER:** (_Threatening guard with a pistol_) Are you gonna tell us which cell the Englishman is in? **GUARD:** (_Hesitates at first, then gives in_) Nine. **CARTER:** (_Misunderstanding_) Oh, so you won’t talk, eh? **LeBEAU:** (_Frustrated_) He means \*\*number \*\*nine… :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Algernon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Algernon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algernon)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/246 "2017-02-16T14:23:22Z")
Yet another from Cheers, where Norm walks towards the bar: “What’s shaking, Norm?” “All four cheeks and a couple of chins. Pour me a beer.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/247 "2017-02-16T15:10:42Z")
Dana Carvey as George Bush, patiently explaining that, yes, we may send troops to Iraq if things get worse . . . but “if we do go to war, it will not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: _Stay Out Of Vietnam_.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/248 "2017-02-16T15:26:17Z")
Saturday Night Live’s season 27 opening on September 29, 2001: **Lorne Michaels** : “Can we be funny?” Guest host **Rudy Giuliani** : Why start now?..Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night! Live from New York, New York was alive! ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/249 "2017-02-16T15:26:51Z")
> [@Algernon](#): > > Yet another from Cheers, where Norm walks towards the bar: > > “What’s shaking, Norm?” > “All four cheeks and a couple of chins. Pour me a beer.” My favorite one of these: “How’s the world treatin’ you, Norm?” “The same way a dog treats a fire hydrant.” People IRL don’t give me the set-up line nearly often enough. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Greenjeans](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.greenjeans/32/551_2.png) [@Mr.Greenjeans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Greenjeans)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/250 "2017-02-16T17:56:53Z")
> [@That\_Don\_Guy](#): > > And one from Three’s Company: > Janet (discussing, IIRC, Jack’s girlfriend): It’s right here on her business card - The Rapist! > Jack’s girlfriend: That’s ‘therapist’ Arrested Development took that joke a step further: Tobias Fünke: You’re forgetting, Lindsay, that as a psychiatrist, I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first “analrapist”. Lindsay Funke: Yeah, and you were almost arrested for those business cards. With a cutaway to the [business card](http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/arresteddevelopment/images/e/e3/3x03_Forget-Me-Now_%2812%29.png/revision/latest?cb=20130320220337). ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/251 "2017-02-16T22:24:16Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > **The Bob Newhart Show** > _(Bob, Howard, Carol, and Jerry have been playing a made-up card game called “Sneehole.” Jerry had to leave and Bob starts to put the cards and things away.)_ > Emily: Can’t you play without Jerry? > Bob: Three-man Sneehole is illegal in Illinois. The game that prompted them to create Sneehole was sprung on them by Howard Borden: Pai Tai, Chinese poker. Howard deals the cards, and asks how many cards everyone has. “5”. “11”. “7”. “2”. Howard: “OK, got any kings?” (Bob admits he has two). “Throw 'em out - no kings in Pai Tai”. After a while, Bob announces that he’s folding. Howard: “Can’t fold in Pai Tai!” Bob: “I don’t have any cards” Howard: “Then you just have to sit there until you lose!” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/252 "2017-02-16T22:28:55Z")
**Peggy Bundy** : “What does that toilet have that I don’t?” **Al Bundy** : “A job!” ---
**Author:** ![Folacin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/folacin/32/3195_2.png) [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/253 "2017-02-16T23:22:13Z")
Cheers - turns out Coach owns the MLB record for hit by pitch, which Diane doubts. He hands her a ball, goes down the hall (so out of sight) and calls out. “Go ahead! Try and miss me.” Diane of course plunks him. ---
**Author:** ![Cuckoorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Cuckoorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cuckoorex)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/254 "2017-02-17T00:39:07Z")
The Simpsons, when Moe is taking a lie detector test: “alright sir you’re free to go.” “Good cos i got a hot date tonight.” beeeeeeeep “a date” beeeeeeeeeeeep “dinner with friends” beeeeeeeeeeepp “dinner alone” beeeeeeeeeeeep “alright… i’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the victoria secret catalogue” beeeeeeeeeeep “sears catalogue” ding! “now would you unhook me please, I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment!” beeeeeeeeeeeeep ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/255 "2017-02-17T01:21:09Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > **Peggy Bundy** : “What does that toilet have that I don’t?” > **Al Bundy** : “A job!” Peggy: Miss me, Al? Al : With every bullet so far… ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/256 "2017-02-17T14:15:23Z")
Paraphrased, but one of Dan Castellaneta’s best guest appearances ever: Pete: Your wife is out dancing with my husbnad Al Bundy: Your husband? Pete: Yes, my husband. Al: Your husband? Pete: Yes Al: You know you’re a guy, right? Pete: Yes Al: Well, you know what that means? Pete: What? Al: That’s three guys that don’t want to sleep with Peg. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/257 "2017-02-17T15:37:19Z")
Fred Sanford: I made a new dip. It’s a mixture of Swiss cheese and Guacamole. I call it “Holy Moly.” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/258 "2017-02-17T15:43:29Z")
**Speaker** : …The stately 1992 Latura. **Fry** : Hey, my girlfriend had one of those! Actually, it wasn’t hers, it was her dad’s. Actually, she wasn’t my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains. **Leela** : Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/259 "2017-02-17T16:39:18Z")
Just last night, on _Powerless_: Van’s father: You are a turd in my toilet and you can’t even swim! Van: I can float. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2017, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/260 "2017-02-19T00:11:28Z")
Niles is in the hospital and might die; his brother, overwhelmed, prays. "Hello, God; it’s me… [brief pause] …Doctor Frasier Crane." ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2017, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/261 "2017-02-19T01:39:53Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > **Peggy Bundy** : “What does that toilet have that I don’t?” > **Al Bundy** : “A job!” On _ **THE SIMPSONS** _ (going way, way back): “The Network” is considering their new Fall lineup. A “_ **MARRIED … WITH CHILDREN** _” clip comes up. “Al” and “Peg” are sitting on their sofa. A toilet is in the middle of the living room, for no apparent reason. **“PEG”:** (_Whiney_) Al, let’s have sex! **“AL”:** (_Deadpan_) No, Peg. “Al” reaches over and flushes the toilet, for no apparent reason. It goes “KER-WHOOSH,” and the audience erupts in laughter and applause … for no apparent reason. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=14)