# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2017, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/262 "2017-02-19T02:51:28Z")
From **Curb Your Enthusiasm** : Cheryl: What happened to the cookies? Larry: I thought they were animal cookies! Cheryl: You ate the baby Jesus! Larry: I thought he was a monkey! Larry: So your last name is Black? Loretta Black: Yes Larry: That’s like if my last name was Jew. Larry Jew. Larry (to Cheryl’s bald lawyer): I can call you bald. It’s like black people calling each other nigger. Hey, baldie! ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2017, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/263 "2017-02-19T03:58:17Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > On _ **THE SIMPSONS** _ (going way, way back): “The Network” is considering their new Fall lineup. A “_ **MARRIED … WITH CHILDREN** _” clip comes up. “Al” and “Peg” are sitting on their sofa. A toilet is in the middle of the living room, for no apparent reason. > > **“PEG”:** (_Whiney_) Al, let’s have sex! > > **“AL”:** (_Deadpan_) No, Peg. > > “Al” reaches over and flushes the toilet, for no apparent reason. It goes “KER-WHOOSH,” and the audience erupts in laughter and applause … for no apparent reason. That was “Homer in Space”, which has many great lines. “Quiet you!” - _Blackjack-Happy NASA goon_ “Sent away.” - _Blackjack-Happy NASA goon_ “Second comes right after first!” - _Buzz Aldrin_ “I figured if anyone knew where to find Tang, it’d be you!” - _Homer, to Bill Clinton_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2017, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/264 "2017-02-19T06:36:32Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Death by snu-snu! **SEINFELD** Elaine has just caved in on “The Contest” after meeting John F Kennedy, Jr: **GEORGE:** What happened? I thought you’d cruise through spring, at least! **ELAINE:** (_Sheepishly_) It was … John-John. **GEORGE AND JERRY:** Ahhh, John-John! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2017, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/265 "2017-02-19T16:16:18Z")
**THE SIMPSONS** The one-eyed aliens Kang and Kodos ring the front doorbell. Homer answers it. **HOMER:**** EEK! MORMONS!** :eek: ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/266 "2017-02-20T05:36:55Z")
**Benson** _(Clayton has decided to sue Benson for slander. In court he acts as his own counsel; Benson does likewise. Clayton prepares to call Miss Kraus to the stand. She has been rehearsing for her upcoming role as emcee for a local function and has been learning some jokes.)_ Clayton: I call to the stand the lovely Ms. Gretchen Kraus! Benson: Your Honor, I object! Counsel is deluding the witness! Judge: Objection overruled. The court calls Gretchen Kraus. Kraus: But my line is always busy! Benson: Your line isn’t even connected! **Emergency!** _(Chet Kelly has appointed himself the dietician of Station 51. He shows the other guys a diet book he follows. He says the major cause of sickness is food.)_ Roy: Then it’s simple. We just eliminate food from our diet! Captain Stanley: What’s the title of that book, Kelly? Johnny: _How to Survive on No Meals a Day._ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/267 "2017-02-20T14:42:50Z")
**’ALLO, 'ALLO** The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful “French”: **BRITISH SPY:** Please, could I 'ave a spune for my kiffee? **FRENCH WAITRESS:** (_Putting a dish with a tart on the table in front of him_) Here. I brought you some pee. ---
**Author:** ![Enuma\_Elish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Enuma\_Elish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enuma_Elish)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/268 "2017-02-20T15:16:05Z")
OK - I’m drunk and grew up as a potty-mouth to make my older siblings laugh and not thrash me - but god help me - this just makes me laugh: [Father Ted - Feckin Mrs Doyle - YouTube.flv - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC8dGiuhcKE) Father Ted ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/269 "2017-02-20T15:56:26Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **'ALLO, 'ALLO** > > The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful “French”: FWIW, I must point out that \*gendarme \* is not synonymous with “police officer” in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, “The French word for ‘policeman’ is simply \*police. \* The French even pronounce it correctly.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/270 "2017-02-20T16:54:35Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > FWIW, I must point out that \*gendarme \* is not synonymous with “police officer” in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, “The French word for ‘policeman’ is simply \*police. \* The French even pronounce it correctly.” Well, pardonnez-moi! :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/271 "2017-02-20T18:10:09Z")
Another one from 3rd Rock from the Sun: Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane! Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me! One from Homer Simpson: …and that’s when the C.H.U.D.'s came after me ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2017, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/272 "2017-02-20T18:20:21Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Well, pardonnez-moi! :dubious: Yes. As Benny Hill pointed out, “Not a lot of people know that.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/273 "2017-02-25T06:22:54Z")
**Magnum, P. I.** _(Higgins is standing just inside the door to Magnum’s cottage with The Lads (the Dobermans Apollo and Zeus), arguing with Magnum. Magnum makes an angry remark to Higgins.) (The Lads growl.)_ Magnum: And that goes for you, too! _(The Lads whimper.)_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/274 "2017-02-25T12:12:40Z")
**’ALLO, 'ALLO** (again) Rene is trying to call London on the secret radio hidden in a bedpan under his invalid mother-in-law’s bed. \*\* RENE:\*\* 'Allo, 'allo! This is NIGHT HAWK. Can you hear me? **M-I-L:** Of course I can hear you! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/275 "2017-02-25T12:16:37Z")
**MARRIED … WITH CHILDREN** **KELLY:** Eurethra! ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/276 "2017-02-25T15:23:16Z")
> [@Labtrash](#): > > Another one from 3rd Rock from the Sun: > > Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane! > > Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me! Actually, the quote was “The same thing happened to MMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!” As only John Lithgow could squeal. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/277 "2017-02-25T15:34:55Z")
**THE SIMPSONS** Homer is auditioning for the lead in a biopic about Mr Burns. He has to deliver just one line: “Excellent!” \*\*HOMER: \*\* Exactly! **[PAUSE]****D’OH!** :smack: ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/278 "2017-02-25T15:52:29Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **MARRIED … WITH CHILDREN** > > **KELLY:** Eurethra! According to Kermit Schafer, an announcer blooped the introduction of a famous soul singer by calling her “Urethra Franklin”! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/279 "2017-02-25T16:02:16Z")
**’ALLO, 'ALLO** (more) The British spy masquerading as a **policeman** answers the phone at the station in his awful “French”: **SPY:**'Allo? What’s that? Your pissy is up a trrree?!? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/280 "2017-02-25T16:07:43Z")
**FAWLTY TOWERS** Basil has just learned about Manuel’s pet rat. **SYBIL:** Well, we can’t turn him loose outside. He’ll just come back into the hotel. **BASIL:** Oh, that’s brilliant! We ought to put you on _ **Mastermind** _! “Next contestant, from Torquay: Sybil Fawlty. Subject: The bleeding obvious!” ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/281 "2017-02-25T16:13:04Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > masquerading as a **policeman** Which reminds me of this line from _The Young Ones_: “_Open up! It’s the pigs!_” -Neil, the hippie, who has gotten a job as a policeman [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=15)