# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/282 "2017-02-25T20:42:58Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **MARRIED … WITH CHILDREN** > > **KELLY:** Eurethra! Kelly had to do a book report on “Moby Dick,” and hadn’t read it, so she got Bud to explain it to her, which he did by changing the names and storyline to a Gilligan’s Island episode. Next afternoon, Kelly comes home very late and Bud asks how the report went. KELLY: I got a three-hour detention. A three-hour detention. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/283 "2017-02-25T21:40:01Z")
And who had three holes in his tail? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2017, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/284 "2017-02-25T21:45:06Z")
On _Taxi_ Latka tells his mother he wants to move to America. She tells him, “What do you want to move to America for? America is backwards country. They go to the toilet inside their houses. They eat chickens and keep dogs as pets.” ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/285 "2017-02-26T04:58:44Z")
I’ve guffawed at a couple of “inside jokes” in “Netflix Original” series. In season 2 of _Fuller House_, Jimmy Gibbler makes a remark about TV commercials, and then says, “If only we could watch TV without commercials. I’d pay a monthly fee for that!” In an episode of _A Series of Unfortunate Events_, Count Olaf remarks that stage acting is a nobler art than, say, streaming television. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/286 "2017-02-26T09:17:26Z")
> [@F.U.Shakespeare](#): > > That was “Homer in Space”, which has many great lines. > > “Quiet you!” - _Blackjack-Happy NASA goon_ > > “Sent away.” - _Blackjack-Happy NASA goon_ > > “Second comes right after first!” - _Buzz Aldrin_ > > “I figured if anyone knew where to find Tang, it’d be you!” - _Homer, to Bill Clinton_ **KENT BROCKMAN:** (_Reporting on the “alien invasion”_) I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/287 "2017-02-26T12:19:13Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Rev. Jim again: “OOOWWWWW!” > > (Five minutes earlier, Louie had grabbed his ear with a pair of pliers and threatened to commit some mayhem if the crew kept making wisecracks about him. Jim just kept reading his comic book while his ear was being held hostage.) **F TROOP** A running gag: **SGT O’ROURKE:** Agarn, I don’t know why everybody says you’re so dumb! \*\* CPL AGARN:\*\* (_Hours later_) Who says I’m dumb?!? ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/288 "2017-02-26T14:26:23Z")
Are the 'bots on MST3K considered to be TV characters? If so, then there are most if the funniest ones right there. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/289 "2017-02-26T17:05:24Z")
One of my favorite Grampa Simpson quotes: “Marge, you wouldn’t know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/290 "2017-02-26T18:32:28Z")
**CHEERS!** Two couples with the same last name are waiting for their table at Melville’s. One couple is greatly obese. Coach calls upstairs to see which couple should go up. **COACH:** What’s that? Oh, okay. I got it. (_Hangs up phone_) I’m sorry, it wasn’t the Andersons. It was the Blubberbutts. (_Turns to address the rest of the bar_) MR AND MRS **BLUBBERBUTT**? ARE THE \*\*BLUBBERBUTTS \*\*HERE? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/291 "2017-02-26T19:51:37Z")
I contributed this one in the 2012 version of this thread. > [@Which TV episode made you laugh so hard that you cried and what scene was it?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-tv-episode-made-you-laugh-so-hard-that-you-cried-and-what-scene-was-it/634449/159): > > …On Night Court, John Laroquette’s parents come to see him. They’re hillbillies right off the farm. Somehow John starts talking about his childhood pet (this is as well as I can remember): > > John: “His name was Skippy. He was a turtle.” > > The parents exchange meaningful glances. > > The father says hesitantly, “Son, I’ve been meaning to tell you about that…” > > John (alarmed): “What?” > > Mother: “Son, we were too poor to afford a pet for you, so your father took a potato and painted lines on its back to make it look like a turtle.” > > John (really alarmed): “Nuh-AH! Skippy was a turtle!” > > Mother: “Well, didn’t you ever wonder why he never stuck his head out of his shell?” > > John (whiny): “He was shy.” > > Father (earnestly): “No, son. [pause] He was a spud.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2017, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/292 "2017-02-26T20:23:56Z")
My favorite Dan Fielding moment was his look of startled recognition when an old woman defendant was revealed to be the hot voice on a sex-over-the-phone service: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/293 "2017-02-27T19:33:55Z")
**CHEERS!** Frasier reacts indignantly to a suggestion by Sam: **FRASIER:** I’ll have you know I \*never \* subjected Diane to electroshock treatment when I was her psychiatrist! **[PAUSE]** Of course, now I wish I had… (This was \*\*years \*\*after Shelly Long had left the show.) ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/294 "2017-02-27T19:56:56Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > One of my favorite Grampa Simpson quotes: > > “Marge, you wouldn’t know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat.” My favorite Grandpa Simpson line: My son is not a communist! He may be s list, a cheat and a communist, but he’s not a porn star! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/295 "2017-02-27T20:01:49Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > My favorite Grandpa Simpson line: My son is not a communist! He may be s list, a cheat and a communist, but he’s not a porn star! **HOMER:** Now, now. Grandpa was just having a senior moment. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/296 "2017-02-27T20:09:09Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > My favorite Grandpa Simpson line: My son is not a communist! He may be s list, a cheat and a communist, but he’s not a porn star! Dang it, too late for edit-- . . .He may be _a liar_, a cheat and a communist. . . ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/297 "2017-02-27T20:11:57Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > Dang it, too late for edit-- . . .He may be _a liar_, a cheat and a communist. . . Now, now. You were just having a senior moment. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/298 "2017-02-27T21:54:44Z")
> [@Enuma\_Elish](#): > > OK - I’m drunk and grew up as a potty-mouth to make my older siblings laugh and not thrash me - but god help me - this just makes me laugh: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC8dGiuhcKE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC8dGiuhcKE) > > Father Ted There’s a difference between feck and fuck? :eek: 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/299 "2017-02-27T22:00:24Z")
On Dharma and Greg, Dharma has a statue of a white bird that she gives to the couple who has sex in the oddest place, calling it the Duck Award. When her strait-laced in-laws end up having sex on the courthouse steps, she gives it to the her mother-in-law, Kitty. Kitty: It’s not even a duck. It’s a goose. Why do you call it the Duck Award? Dharma: Because goose doesn’t rhyme. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/300 "2017-02-27T23:34:20Z")
**MOVIE MACABRE** The movie of the week is a Portuguese zombie flick bordering on soft-core Europorn. **ELVIRA:** (_Just before the commercial break_) In Portugal, what do they call women who like other women? Lis-be-ons? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/301 "2017-02-28T02:50:25Z")
From **Frasier** : Maris’ brother is visiting the Cranes, recounting a near death accident that, allegedly, made him find religion… Brother (from a wheelchair): It happened when I saw the sign. Daphne: From Jesus? Brother: No, from the highway department. It said Dead End. I crashed into it. Then I saw a light. Daphne: Heaven? Brother: No, from the CAT scan. Then I heard a voice. Daphne: The doctor? Brother: No, God. Niles, to Daphne: Keep trying, you’ll get one. (paraphrased) mmm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=16)