# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/302 "2017-02-28T05:36:23Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **MOVIE MACABRE** > > The movie of the week is a Portuguese zombie flick bordering on soft-core Europorn. > > **ELVIRA:** (_Just before the commercial break_) In Portugal, what do they call women who like other women? Lis-be-ons? 😕 I have one from _Movie Macabre,_ the night she screened _The Fall of the House of Usher,_ and Philip was trying to get Madeline to eat some gruel. Elvira was making a mock commercial for “Minute Gruel, the Breakfast Fuel”: **Elvira:** After a hearty bowl of Minute Gruel, your whole family will go about the house singing its praises! _[sound of toilet flushing]_ ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/303 "2017-02-28T05:46:44Z")
**Benson** _(Benson has just arrived to teach a night school class on economics.)_ Young Man: What happened to Old Man Hawkins? Old Woman: They fired his butt! * * * _(Benson explains his course agenda):_ Benson: That’s the only way you’re going to pass the final exam! Young Man: Old Man Hawkins never gave exams! Benson: That’s why they fired his butt! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/304 "2017-02-28T10:32:14Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > I have one from _Movie Macabre,_ the night she screened _The Fall of the House of Usher,_ and Philip was trying to get Madeline to eat some gruel. Elvira was making a mock commercial for “Minute Gruel, the Breakfast Fuel”: > **Elvira:** After a hearty bowl of Minute Gruel, your whole family will go about the house singing its praises! > _[sound of toilet flushing]_ My favorite _ **MM** _ bit came the week they were showing _ **Dr Black and Mr Hyde** _, and Elvira interviewed Arsenio Hall playing the Founder and Treasurer of the NAACP (Negroes’ Alliance against Crappy Pictures). **ELVIRA:** (_Introducing her guest_) This is Mustafa Kareem Abdul X Mohammed … boy, that’s a pretty long name. Is there anything else I can call you? \*\* ARSENIO:\*\* Tyrone. **ELVIRA:** Tyrone? **ARSENIO:** Yeah, Tyrone Washington. That’s my slave name. This bit used to be on YouTube. If you can find it, it’s hilarious! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/305 "2017-02-28T12:51:20Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > On the _Drew Carey Show_, a bald eagle has taken up residence inside Drew’s house. Mimi, who used to be a roadie, and has been romantically involved with several rock and rollers, sees the bird and says, “Wow. I haven’t been this close to an eagle since I slept with Joe Walsh.” Another one from the show: “I couldn’t get Mimi to take off her makeup.” “I heard they tried once, and there was a whole other painting underneath it.” ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/306 "2017-02-28T17:43:04Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **KENT BROCKMAN:** (_Reporting on the “alien invasion”_) I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords! Ahem. “I, for one, welcome our new _insect_ overlords .” My fav. _Simpsons_ line: [Homer] Lisa, is this house we obey the Laws of Thermodynamics! [/Homer] ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/307 "2017-02-28T18:06:41Z")
My favorite SIMPSONS line is from when Marge decides to become a cop. “Marge, you being a cop makes you The Man – which makes me The Woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear – which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/308 "2017-02-28T18:37:30Z")
**SANFORD AND SON** **FRED:** During the war, I was in the Army Air Force. They wanted to make me the tail gunner in a B-17, but I refused. **LAMONT:** You refused? Why? **FRED:** I ain’t ridin’ in the back of no airplane! In another episode, Fred is in in Traffic Court and confronts the cop who gave him a ticket. The courtroom is packed with black people. **FRED:** What I wanna know is, how come you don’t ticket no white drivers? **COP:** (_Indignantly_) I \*\*do \*\*ticket white drivers! **FRED:** Where are they? I don’t see no white people here! All I see is niggers! There’s enough niggers here to make a Tarzan movie! Only Redd Foxx could get away with this! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/309 "2017-02-28T19:19:04Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **SANFORD AND SON** > > **FRED:** During the war, I was in the Army Air Force. They wanted to make me the tail gunner in a B-17, but I refused. > > **LAMONT:** You refused? Why? > > **FRED:** I ain’t ridin’ in the back of no airplane! > > In another episode, Fred is in in Traffic Court and confronts the cop who gave him a ticket. The courtroom is packed with black people. > > **FRED:** What I wanna know is, how come you don’t ticket no white drivers? > > **COP:** (_Indignantly_) I \*\*do \*\*ticket white drivers! > > **FRED:** Where are they? I don’t see no white people here! All I see is niggers! There’s enough niggers here to make a Tarzan movie! > > Only Redd Foxx could get away with this! So did Richard Pryor! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/310 "2017-02-28T19:38:47Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > So did Richard Pryor! In the famous “Word Association” sketch on _ **SNL** _, they managed to work in “nigger” (it was Chevy Chase’s line), but that was the only episode where the network insisted on imposing a secret five-second delay because they were afraid of what else Pryor might say. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/311 "2017-02-28T19:40:33Z")
“_Dead_ honky!” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/312 "2017-02-28T21:03:28Z")
Can we count Simpsons sign jokes? Lisa comes up to as sign that says “Do Not Enter” underneath it is a smaller sign that says “Or do. I’m a sign, not a cop”. I laughed so hard. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/313 "2017-02-28T22:39:19Z")
**ROBOT CHICKEN** Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia are lying in bed together after just having “done it.” **Leia:** (_Awkwardly_) This was \*soooo \*wrong…! ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2017, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/314 "2017-03-01T14:48:31Z")
My favorite Simpson line, in response to the alternate ending of Who Shot Mr. Burns? Troy McLure: But for that ending to work, you’d have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/315 "2017-03-02T16:08:49Z")
**FRASIER** Lilith has just proposed that she have another baby by Frasier. **FRASIER:** Would we … sleep together? **LILITH:** I thought we’d freeze your sperm. **FRASIER:** Is that a yes or a no? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/316 "2017-03-02T21:30:55Z")
Penny: Oh, Leonard, please, not in front on my father. Wyatt: Relax. I’ve seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/317 "2017-03-02T21:48:27Z")
Tim Conway. Elephant story. Carol Burnett Show. 'Nuff said. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/318 "2017-03-02T23:01:09Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **FRASIER** > > Lilith has just proposed that she have another baby by Frasier. > > **FRASIER:** Would we … sleep together? > > **LILITH:** I thought we’d freeze your sperm. > > **FRASIER:** Is that a yes or a no? Yeah…in that Living Flashback episode, Frasier’s mother called Lilith an “icicle.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/319 "2017-03-03T00:05:57Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Tim Conway. Elephant story. Carol Burnett Show. 'Nuff said. Fnork. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/320 "2017-03-03T00:55:19Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Fnork. :D:D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![Trancephalic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trancephalic/32/380_2.png) [@Trancephalic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trancephalic)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/321 "2017-03-03T00:59:42Z")
Zim: It’s been nice working with you, GIR! Now, self-destruct. GIR: Finally! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=17)