# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/322 "2017-03-03T02:31:40Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > **SANFORD AND SON** > > In another episode, Fred is in in Traffic Court and confronts the cop who gave him a ticket. The courtroom is packed with black people. . . . Actually it was Lamont who got ticketed. Just sayin’. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/323 "2017-03-03T05:54:22Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Fnork. Gary Owens played the Nurny Song on his Los Angeles radio show: Nurny Nurny Nurny, Nurny Nurny Nurny; Nurny Nurny Nurny Nurrrrrn! FNORK! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/324 "2017-03-08T16:09:46Z")
The Jack Benny Program. Mary and Rochester enter a room to find out what the noise is…it turned out that Jack’s long-suffering violin teacher, Professor LeBlanc has beaned him with a painting and jumped out a window to escape his playing. Mary: But Jack, this is the second floor, he could have sprained his ankle! Jack: Mary, after a man has cut his wrists, what’s an ankle? ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/325 "2017-03-08T16:22:49Z")
On Everybody Loves Raymond, Frank gives Ray advise on dealing with Deb’s mood: “Ride it out”. You DUMB bastard! You put a stop to this now! Debra’s in a bad mood, what, two or three days tops? Not so tough now is it? But pretty soon she’s going to get a mood that lasts five days… then it’s a week. And before you know it, what used to be her bad mood takes over and becomes her ONLY mood. Well then…you become like me… where not a day goes by that I don’t wish a comet was screaming towards the earth to bring me sweet relief! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/326 "2017-03-08T16:24:39Z")
> [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](#): > > On Everybody Loves Raymond, Frank gives Ray advise on dealing with Deb’s mood: “Ride it out”. You DUMB bastard! You put a stop to this now! Debra’s in a bad mood, what, two or three days tops? Not so tough now is it? But pretty soon she’s going to get a mood that lasts five days… then it’s a week. And before you know it, what used to be her bad mood takes over and becomes her ONLY mood. Well then…you become like me… where not a day goes by that I don’t wish a comet was screaming towards the earth to bring me sweet relief! 99 times out of 100, Frank Barone was as funny as a diabetic coma. ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/327 "2017-03-08T17:40:46Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > 99 times out of 100, Frank Barone was as funny as a diabetic coma. Okay. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/328 "2017-03-08T20:38:49Z")
This one was context-heavy, but I have rarely laughed harder than the episode of Arrested Development where they “To Catch a Predator” guys ask Tobias how old his girl is. It’s actually his daughter, but they think he’s a pedophile. \*\*Tobais: “Uh… Why do you put me on the spot? Um… I want to say 19? But, I like to think of her as 15.” \*\* Their looks of horror at what a monster he is made me die. ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/329 "2017-03-08T23:44:45Z")
Red Dwarf Rimmer: We can’t afford to take any chances. Jump up to red alert. Kryten: Are you sure, sir? It does mean changing the bulb. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/330 "2017-03-09T01:01:57Z")
Back in the haze of ancient history it was summer and I was watching late night TV. There was this BBC import called The Kenny Everett Show and one of the skits was a cartoon of him as a hero spaceship captain with a hot, female second. After he saved the world he and his second were offered a commemorative sculpture. Official: Would you like them mounted? Kenny: No, holding hands is enough. Ten year old me was floored! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/331 "2017-03-09T10:17:48Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Tim Conway. Elephant story. Carol Burnett Show. 'Nuff said. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Fnork. Oh sweet Jesus, I’d forgotten about that one. That’s a contender for threadwinner. Anyone who hasn’t seen Conway’s elephant story - get thee to YouTube. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/332 "2017-03-09T17:14:01Z")
Why not just [link to it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY)? ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/333 "2017-03-09T18:08:36Z")
> [@Kamino\_Neko](#): > > The Jack Benny Program. > > Mary and Rochester enter a room to find out what the noise is…it turned out that Jack’s long-suffering violin teacher, Professor LeBlanc has beaned him with a painting and jumped out a window to escape his playing. > > Mary: But Jack, this is the second floor, he could have sprained his ankle! > Jack: Mary, after a man has cut his wrists, what’s an ankle? In one episode, a painter came in; he even prepared to paint a fake window in Rochester’s room. Rochester said, “Paint my window open! I like fresh air!”😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tooth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c67d28/32.png) [@The\_Tooth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tooth)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/334 "2017-03-09T21:02:50Z")
“Kelli Carpenter, Rosie O’Donnell’s life partner, has legally changed her name to O’Donnell. The two celebrated by eating out.” - _Tina Fey, SNL Weekend Update_ ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/335 "2017-03-09T21:14:37Z")
“According to a new study, fifty-five percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while seventy-eight percent blame men for most fatal car crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to a hundred percent, because the math was done by a woman.” [boos, hisses] "For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that _that_ joke was written _by a woman,_ so . . . now you don’t know what the hell to do, do you? [appreciative laughter] “Nah, I’m just kidding; we don’t hire women.” -Norm MacDonald, Weekend Update, bringing the house down ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/336 "2017-03-10T05:15:31Z")
> [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](#): > > “According to a new study, fifty-five percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while seventy-eight percent blame men for most fatal car crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to a hundred percent, because the math was done by a woman.” > > [boos, hisses] > > "For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that _that_ joke was written _by a woman,_ so . . . now you don’t know what the hell to do, do you? > > [appreciative laughter] > > “Nah, I’m just kidding; we don’t hire women.” > > -Norm MacDonald, Weekend Update, bringing the house down Did this program have a studio audience? ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/337 "2017-03-10T05:50:49Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Did this program have a studio audience? It’s Saturday Night Live. If course! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/338 "2017-03-10T07:02:35Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > It’s Saturday Night Live. If course! Very well…if I had been in that audience would I not only not have laughed, I would have left the seats and, after thumbing my nose at the performers, walked out of the place, without a word! :mad: (only because I could not confront the writer and spit in his/her face.) ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/339 "2017-03-10T07:31:25Z")
The president of NBC’s west coast division didn’t think he was very funny either and had him removed from Weekend Update. Not for this joke but about jokes Norm made about OJ Simpson after his acquittal. Seems The president and OJ were really good friends Me, I thought he was hysterical. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/340 "2017-03-10T10:08:08Z")
The first joke on its own would be horrific, but as a threefer it’s brilliant - lead with a standard sexist joke, then turn the joke on its head to confound the audience, then turn the joke on its head _again_ to make it about the show. I generally found Norm really annoying but I applaud that bit. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2017, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/341 "2017-03-11T06:16:52Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Very well…if I had been in that audience would I not only not have laughed, I would have left the seats and, after thumbing my nose at the performers, walked out of the place, without a word! :mad: (only because I could not confront the writer and spit in his/her face.) Good thing they didn’t mention the dirty fork! :eek: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=18)