# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 18
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2017, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/342 "2017-03-11T15:49:38Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Good thing they didn’t mention the dirty fork! :eek: De gustibus non est disputandum. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2017, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/343 "2017-03-11T19:14:35Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Very well…if I had been in that audience would I not only not have laughed, I would have left the seats and, after thumbing my nose at the performers, walked out of the place, without a word! :mad: (only because I could not confront the writer and spit in his/her face.) I hope you wouldn’t ask for a refund. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2017, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/344 "2017-03-11T21:43:01Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > I hope you wouldn’t ask for a refund. 😃 I wouldn’t bother! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2017, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/345 "2017-03-11T23:41:09Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > I wouldn’t bother! :mad: Alan “Alice” Alda and Phil “Phyllis” Donahue\* would be proud of you! \*Aka “Mr Marlo Thomas.” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/346 "2017-03-12T00:32:35Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > I wouldn’t bother! :mad: That’s good. It doesn’t cost anything to attend a Saturday Night Live performance. But tickets are hard to come by in the first place. You can only request them in August before the season, they’re given out by a lottery, and you can’t choose which date to attend. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/347 "2017-03-12T03:40:06Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > That’s good. It doesn’t cost anything to attend a Saturday Night Live performance. But tickets are hard to come by in the first place. You can only request them in August before the season, they’re given out by a lottery, and you can’t choose which date to attend. So we can assume that Dougie will write an angry :mad::mad::mad: letter to SNL refusing the tickets that he’ll never write to request this coming August. Right? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/348 "2017-03-12T05:17:16Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > So we can assume that Dougie will write an angry :mad::mad::mad: letter to SNL refusing the tickets that he’ll never write to request this coming August. Right? > > 😉 You can assume whatever you like. If this had happened I would certainly be bitter about having gone to the trouble of requesting SNL tickets and being so disappointed in what I actually saw. But I would not write to anyone. Infra dig. Network TV programming has so little appeal for me these days that the likelihood of me ordering SNL tickets in the first place is mighty slim. So if such an incident were to happen I would forget about it as soon as I could. About you, too. ---
**Author:** ![neofishboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/neofishboy/32/444_2.png) [@neofishboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neofishboy)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/349 "2017-03-12T05:19:02Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > **Benson** > _(Benson has just arrived to teach a night school class on economics.)_ > Young Man: What happened to Old Man Hawkins? > Old Woman: They fired his butt! > > * * * > > _(Benson explains his course agenda):_ > Benson: That’s the only way you’re going to pass the final exam! > Young Man: Old Man Hawkins never gave exams! > Benson: That’s why they fired his butt! I’m confused. Did you inadvertently leave off the punch line in this exchange? “What happened to my predecessor?” “He was fired.” Later … “Your predecessor was incompetent in his duties!” “That is why he was fired.” If there is actually a joke in there, it eludes me. Is it merely the use of the word “butt” that tickles you so? If that’s the case, there are some eleven-year-olds I should introduce you to. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/350 "2017-03-12T05:30:05Z")
> [@neofishboy](#): > > […]If that’s the case, there are some eleven-year-olds I should introduce you to. You mean there are people you respect? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/351 "2017-03-12T05:38:29Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > You mean there are people you respect? 😛 Ummmm…what? ETA: If that was meant to be some sort of humorous \*ZING \*…it wasn’t. ---
**Author:** ![wendelenn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/58f4c7/32.png) [@wendelenn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wendelenn)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/352 "2017-03-12T06:17:03Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > In _Star Trek: The Next Generation_, Worf got a lot of the best lines. > > * * * > > Worf: Sir, I protest! I am _not_ a merry man! > > * * * > > Worf: That is how the Klingon lures a mate. > > Wesley: Are you telling me to go yell at Salia? > > Worf: No. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects…and claw at you. > > Wesley: What does the man do? > > Worf: He reads love poetry. (pause) He ducks a lot. > > * * * > > Guinan: It’s an Earth drink. Prune juice. > > Worf (eyes light up): A warrior’s drink! > > * * * > > Riker: How did you like command? > > Worf: Comfortable chair. > > * * * > > Rishon Uxbridge: Well, what do you think, Mr. Worf? > > Worf: Good tea. (pause) Nice house. # Lt. Cmdr. Data: [asking Worf to take care of Spot] He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number 25. Lieutenant Worf: I understand. Lt. Cmdr. Data: And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sandbox - and you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat… Lieutenant Worf: I will feed him. Lt. Cmdr. Data: Perhaps that will be enough. Lieutenant Worf: Congratulations. You are fully dilated to ten centimeters. You may now give birth. Keiko O’Brien: [groans] That’s what I’ve been doing. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/353 "2017-03-12T06:22:11Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > You can assume whatever you like. If this had happened I would certainly be bitter about having gone to the trouble of requesting SNL tickets and being so disappointed in what I actually saw. But I would not write to anyone. Infra dig. Network TV programming has so little appeal for me these days that the likelihood of me ordering SNL tickets in the first place is mighty slim. So if such an incident were to happen I would forget about it as soon as I could. About you, too. Or you could save yourself plane fare to New York and actually watch it a couple of times. Then you’d know you’d be disappointed in advance. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/354 "2017-03-12T06:28:49Z")
> [@wendelenn](#): > > # Lt. Cmdr. Data: [asking Worf to take care of Spot] He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number 25. Lieutenant Worf: I understand. Lt. Cmdr. Data: And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sandbox - and you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat… Lieutenant Worf: I will feed him. Lt. Cmdr. Data: Perhaps that will be enough. > > Lieutenant Worf: Congratulations. You are fully dilated to ten centimeters. You may now give birth. > Keiko O’Brien: [groans] That’s what I’ve been doing. Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax: Worf, you’re practically easygoing. What’s next? A sense of humor? Lt. Cmdr. Worf: I have a sense of humor! On the Enterprise I was considered to be quite amusing. Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax: That must have been one dull ship. Lt. Cmdr. Worf: That is a joke. I get it… it is not funny, but I get it. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/355 "2017-03-12T06:34:45Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > Ummmm…what? > > ETA: If that was meant to be some sort of humorous \*ZING \*…it wasn’t. That’s OK. There was no wit in anything anyone has said to **me** so far. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/356 "2017-03-12T20:02:47Z")
**[Moderating]** **dougie\_monty** , the purpose of this thread is amusement. If you do not find it amusing, you are perfectly free to avoid it. But please don’t work against others’ amusement. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2017, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/357 "2017-03-12T21:52:23Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > **[Moderating]** > > **dougie\_monty** , the purpose of this thread is amusement. If you do not find it amusing, you are perfectly free to avoid it. But please don’t work against others’ amusement. Acknowledged. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2017, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/358 "2017-03-13T23:05:28Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > **[Moderating]** > > **dougie\_monty** , the purpose of this thread is amusement. If you do not find it amusing, you are perfectly free to avoid it. But please don’t work against others’ amusement. Is anyone else reading this in Mr. Worf’s voice now? ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2017, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/359 "2017-03-14T06:06:57Z")
Oh, all right. Here’s another one from **Benny Hill:** _Benny is the Speaking Tube Operator, before the advent of telephones._ Benny, on the tube to a friend about the party the night before: I very much admired Her Ladyship’s gold-plated toilet. Very nice, that…Oh, she don’t have a gold-plated toilet?..She has a spare room, where His Lordship keeps his euphonium. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2017, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/360 "2017-03-15T16:43:14Z")
It feels like this thread has been merged with the one titled “Buzz Killington’s favorite lines from TV” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2017, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/361 "2017-03-23T04:17:31Z")
**TWO and a half MEN** **JAKE:** Hey, Uncle Charlie! If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work? **CHARLIE:** (_Shrugs_) I dunno. [spoiler] **JAKE:** IHOP. **CHARLIE:** (_After a moment_) Gives whole new meaning to “tipping the waitress.” [/spoiler] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=17) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=19)