# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![zoog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7ea924/32.png) [@zoog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoog)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2017, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/362 "2017-03-24T00:01:30Z")
I suppose you could call Stephen Colbert’s persona on The Colbert Report a character. One of the segments he’d do was a shill for a “Prescott Pharmaceuticals” product from time to time, and he’d go through a list of made up side effects on each one. He did one where he was touting a boner pill they made, and while he was going through the side effects, he said “If you have an erection that last more than four hours, you’re welcome.” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2017, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/363 "2017-03-24T13:34:50Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > The president of NBC’s west coast division didn’t think he was very funny either and had him removed from Weekend Update. Not for this joke but about jokes Norm made about OJ Simpson after his acquittal. Seems The president and OJ were really good friends > > Me, I thought he was hysterical. Norm MacDonald is one of the greatest comedians who ever lived. Also from him on Weekend Update: “The American Mortgage Lenders Association announced today that homeowners should spend no more than thirty-eight percent of their income on a mortgage. In related news, the American Crack Association said that Americans should spend one hundred percent of their incomes on crack.” ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2017, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/364 "2017-03-24T13:58:59Z")
On **I Love Lucy** , Lucy was trying to help catch a thief on a train. Told to lure him into the car, she said, “This will be great in my memoirs: _I Was a Woman for the FBI_.” ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/365 "2017-03-25T03:22:40Z")
Others already beat me to “sis boom baa” (Johnny Carson) and “muffins in the mail” (Frasier), but I have a few more: **FATHER TED:** Father Dougal: ‘Oh, come on Ted, they’ve got a spider-baby!’ Father Ted: ‘A what?’ Father Dougal: ‘A spider-baby, you know it’s kind of a freakshow thing. You know, the body of a spider, but it’s actually a baby?’ Father Ted: ‘How is it a baby? Does it a have a nappy on or something? Father Dougal: ‘No.’ Father Ted: ‘Well, does it have the head of a baby?’ Father Dougal: ‘Um, no.’ Father Ted: ‘Well, if it looks like a spider, and it doesn’t actually gurgle or anything, how do you know it’s actually a baby?’ Father Dougal: ‘They keep it in a pram.’ \*\*BIG BANG THEORY: \*\*Mary Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup. **SAVED BY THE BELL** Mr. Belding: Screech, you can’t elope! Screech: Who you callin’ canteloupe, you melonhead? **HOUSE** Chase (coming in with Foreman and Cameron): We’ve got rectal bleeding! House: What, \*all \*of you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=18)