# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stainless_steel_rat/32/5727_2.png) [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stainless_Steel_Rat)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/21 "2017-02-06T14:29:36Z")
“I didn’t even know you were Jewish” Spoken by Johnny Carson after a stunt by the actor/singer Ed Ames went…south. Still one of the funniest moments on TV. Ames, who was starring on a TV version of Daniel Boone, was showing Johnny how to throw a tomahawk at a figure drawn on a piece of wood. The tomahawk hit the drawing right in the crotch, which was funny enough, but the house went nuts when Carson made the above remark. And remember, this was live TV; no time to set up or write the line. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/22 "2017-02-06T14:38:33Z")
From NewsRadio, in the episode that takes place in space. They spend much of the episode attaching the word “space” to ordinary objects - space pliers, space porn, etc. Then there comes a scene where Dave and Lisa are arguing about moving in together. Lisa: “I don’t want to move into your apartment. Besides, it’s always so chilly there.” Dave: “Then I’ll get a space heater.” ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/23 "2017-02-06T14:49:41Z")
Archie: “That’s something the hebes do. They change their last names but keep their first names so that they’ll still recognize each other.” Mike: “Whaddya mean, Arch?” Archie: “Well, you take a guy like Isaac Schwartz. He changes ‘Schwartz’ to ‘Smith’ but he leaves Isaac. So he’s Isaac Smith. Jacob Cohen, he becomes Jacob Kane. See?” Mike (sarcastically): “Yeah, I see what you mean, Arch. Like Abraham . . . Lincoln.” Pause. Edith: “I didn’t know Lincoln was Jewish.” ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/24 "2017-02-06T14:57:17Z")
My favorite ever, from Night Court: (setup: an important Japanese businessman died in the courtroom. Bull is given the task of discreetly bringing the body to the morgue. He puts it in a motorized wheelchair, and while he briefly turns away, a kid messes with the controls, sending it down the hall and out of Bull’s view) Harry: What do you mean, you lost the body??? Bull: He outsmarted me, sir. Harry: Outsmarted you? Bull, a corpse is a corpse! Dan: Of course, of course. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/25 "2017-02-06T14:59:21Z")
**Cheers:** Norm: “Afternoon everybody.” Crowd: “_NORM!!_” Woody: “What’cha up to, Mr. Peterson?” Norm: “My ideal weight, if I was 11 feet tall.” * * * **Police Squad** : Drebin: “Is there a ransom note?” Hocken: “Yes; the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they’re demanding one million dollars.” Drebin: “Why would the lab demand a million dollars?” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/26 "2017-02-06T15:11:40Z")
You guys are all too NORMAL. I propose this exchange, from the 2001 live-action series, THE TICK. The scene is the accounting department of Worldwide Fishladder & Sons. CEO Christopher Lloyd, in full “Christopher Lloyd Mode,” confronts employee Arthur, an aspiring superhero wearing a homemade flying suit at his desk. Mr. Fishladder: Christ in heaven, look at yourself! You’re built like a sensible shoe! You shouldn’t be jumping around in a body-sock fighting crime! Arthur: Well, I haven’t actually fought any crime yet. Mr. Fishladder: Good! Keep it that way. CRIME FIGHTS BACK! Remember the lesson of Metcalf! Arthur: Metcalf? Mr. Fishladder: METCALF! Head of Shipping and Receiving, third floor! Metcalf! He lost all his game pieces just like you, cashed in his 401K and BOUGHT A JETPACK! Now the poor bastard needs a machine…TO POOP! ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/27 "2017-02-06T15:23:59Z")
**Taxi:** [while filling out an application] Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction? “Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: Now that’s a tough choice… ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/28 "2017-02-06T15:31:26Z")
_Get Smart_: (the first time they used this line) Max: Missed it by that much. ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/29 "2017-02-06T15:36:34Z")
Cheers: Somebody to Norm: “How’s life treating you?” Norm: “Like I kicked its dog.” Barney Miller: Harris: “I’ll go home, but I ain’t never gonna feel no better.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/30 "2017-02-06T16:08:24Z")
“A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends; the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I’d mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn.” - Blackadder ---
**Author:** ![SykoSkotty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@SykoSkotty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SykoSkotty)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/31 "2017-02-06T16:17:34Z")
Too many to name, but some of my faves from **Archer** : _Archer wakes up with a flight attendant_ “You want breakfast? Try the diner…you’re obviously into Greek.” Cyril: Will I get to learn Karate? Archer: Karate? The “Dane Cook” of martial arts? No! “It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist…although hopefully not flaky.” "Thank you, uh, sorry what was your name again? “Rodney.” “Thank you…asshole.” ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/32 "2017-02-06T16:44:47Z")
So many great lines! From _Soap_: Jodie: Plato was gay. Jessica (astonished): Mickey Mouse’s dog was gay?? Jodie: Goofy was his lover. Another one from _Cheers_. Frasier is planning to buy a piece of antique furniture for Lillith as a gift. Frasier: Nothing says “I love you” like old wood. Woody (after a pause): How do I say it, Dr. Crane? From the _M_A_S_H\* episode “Tuttle”, in which Hawkeye and Trapper John had made up a fictitious doctor named Tuttle, and then killed him off: Hawkeye: We can all be comforted by the thought that he’s not really gone, there’s a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/33 "2017-02-06T17:05:43Z")
Yet another Cheers: Sam: How’s life treating you, Norm? Norm: Like it caught me in bed with its wife. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/34 "2017-02-06T17:12:55Z")
One of the reasons that I adored _Pushing Daisies_ was the great writing and wordplay. (Well, that, and I have a massive crush on Kristin Chenoweth.) [One of my favorite bits](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdD13eYjdKU): Emerson Cod: Sounds like you’re a narcoleptic. Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep? Emerson Cod: What’s the other one? Ned: Necrophiliac. Emerson Cod: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head. Olive Snook: Me too! I used to think that ‘masturbation’ meant chewing your food. (pause) I don’t think that anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/35 "2017-02-06T17:15:22Z")
There was an early 90s sitcom with Matt Frewer called “Doctor Doctor”. The only line I remember from the entire series was when someone accidentally spills a cup of coffee in his lap, and he says “I hope that was decaf or I’m going to be up all night!” ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/36 "2017-02-06T17:16:58Z")
The imminently quotable Blackadder: “Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?” “I’ve no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do 20 minutes’ work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on…” ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/37 "2017-02-06T17:24:32Z")
Yes, Blackadder! “I have a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Greenjeans](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.greenjeans/32/551_2.png) [@Mr.Greenjeans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Greenjeans)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/38 "2017-02-06T17:32:13Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > **Police Squad!** > Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here? > Frank: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith. That one is possibly my favorite line of all time. It’s not only the line; Leslie Nielson’s flat delivery makes it perfect. So I’ll offer my second favorites, all from a single episode of \*Futurama \*called “The Deep South”: Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is the perfect chance for Fry to try out my new anti-pressure pills. [opens a bottle and a giant pill falls out] Fry: I cant swallow that. Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, then good news. It’s a suppository. * * * Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dear Lord! That’s over 150 atmospheres of pressure! Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand? Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it’s a space ship, so I’d say anywhere between zero and one. * * * Hermes Conrad: I’d love to stay, but I miss my wife and oxygen. Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gasses. You know, I just realized that all three of those punchlines are delivered by the Professor. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/39 "2017-02-06T17:34:36Z")
**Seinfeld** Newman: I called in sick. I don’t work in the rain. George: You don’t work in the rain. You’re a mailman! Neither rain, nor sleet, n- IT’S THE FIRST ONE!!! Newman: I was never that big on creeds. (_later_) George: Hey, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to run down and get me lunch at Paisano’s. Kramer: Wait a minute- what happened to Newman? George: He called in “sick.” Kramer: Oh, right. Yeah, it’s raining. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2017, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/40 "2017-02-06T17:35:49Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > One of the reasons that I adored _Pushing Daisies_ was the great writing and wordplay. (Well, that, and I have a massive crush on Kristin Chenoweth.) [One of my favorite bits](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdD13eYjdKU): > > Emerson Cod: Sounds like you’re a narcoleptic. > Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep? > Emerson Cod: What’s the other one? > Ned: Necrophiliac. > Emerson Cod: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head. > Olive Snook: Me too! I used to think that ‘masturbation’ meant chewing your food. (pause) I don’t think that anymore. Two lines from that show I use when ever the chance is there (and these days, thats plenty) Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself. Thats the kinda idea that makes a bad idea stand up and take notice. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=3)