# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/81 "2017-02-07T08:24:32Z")
**ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE** R&B have just been blown out of a building in an elevator at night, only to land in a river where they’re now floating downstream in the dark: **BULLWINKLE:** Gee, Rocky! I never thought it’d be like _this_! **ROCKY:** What? **BULLWINKLE:** _Heaven!_ **ROCKY:** Bullwinkle, this isn’t Heaven! **BULLWINKLE:** It’s _not_?!? **ROCKY:** No! **BULLWINKLE:** (_Shivering_) Then why is it so _cold_?!? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/82 "2017-02-07T08:29:30Z")
**BASIL FAWLTY:** _Thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!_ :mad: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/83 "2017-02-07T08:42:32Z")
**LAUREL AND HARDY IN _BLOCKHEADS_** (I saw it in TV, so it must count!) Stan and Ollie haven’t seen each other for 20 years: **STAN:** You remember how \*dumb \*I used to be? I’m \*better \*now! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/84 "2017-02-07T08:46:57Z")
**THREE’S COMPANY** (A look, not a line.) Larry mistakenly hits on a woman old enough to be his grandmother, thinking he’s helping Jack get out of a jam. The woman is furious: **WOMAN:** (_To Helen Roper_) How would you like it if some young man tried to seduce _you_?!? The expression on Helen’s face shows exactly how she’d feel: :o ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/85 "2017-02-07T10:40:48Z")
Al Bundy coming home from work: **"I wish the world was a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper!"** Al checking his mail: **"Oh, look. It says here I may already owe Ed McMahon $10,000,000."** ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/86 "2017-02-07T10:52:13Z")
Another from _Cheers_ (paraphrased from memory): Frasier: Methinks someone protests too much Woody: Shouldn’t that be ‘I think’, Dr. Crane? Diane: Not in your case Woody ---
**Author:** ![carlb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carlb/32/5930_2.png) [@carlb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlb)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/87 "2017-02-07T12:34:34Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > In _Star Trek: The Next Generation_, Worf got a lot of the best lines. > > * * * > > Worf: Sir, I protest! I am _not_ a merry man! > > * * * > > Worf: That is how the Klingon lures a mate. > > Wesley: Are you telling me to go yell at Salia? > > Worf: No. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects…and claw at you. > > Wesley: What does the man do? > > Worf: He reads love poetry. (pause) He ducks a lot. > > * * * > > Guinan: It’s an Earth drink. Prune juice. > > Worf (eyes light up): A warrior’s drink! > > * * * > > Riker: How did you like command? > > Worf: Comfortable chair. > > * * * > > Rishon Uxbridge: Well, what do you think, Mr. Worf? > > Worf: Good tea. (pause) Nice house. Worf’s best line was in “Deja Q” S3E13, after Q has appeared on the Enterprise, claiming to have been made human as punishment. Of course, nobody believes him. Q: “What must I do to convince you people!?” Worf: “Die.” It’s the combination of Dorn’s completely serious, deadpan delivery, and the grin on Jonathon Frakes’ face as he turns to look at Worf. Makes me think that either Frakes hadn’t read the script, or wasn’t quite prepared for Dorn’s line reading - it’s so perfect a reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/88 "2017-02-07T13:02:14Z")
From **Corner Gas** , IMNAAHO the funniest sitcom ever! **BRENT** : Face it, Dad, you’re ornery. **OSCAR** : I am not ornery! **BRENT** : You once punched a skunk. **OSCAR** : He had it coming!! ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/89 "2017-02-07T13:25:24Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > I propose this exchange, from the 2001 live-action series, THE TICK. Nah, the best Tick line is from the animated series. Tick and Arthur and being interviewed, and the interviewer asks what Tick’s powers are, but Tick doesn’t seem to actually know, so the interviewer keeps throwing out suggestions, finally getting to… \ Do you have the power to destroy the Earth? \ Ye GADS! I hope not…that’s where I keep all my stuff! I find surprisingly many opportunities to use that line in my life. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/90 "2017-02-07T13:29:11Z")
Oops, nm…seem to have missed that I was beaten to this one. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/91 "2017-02-07T13:31:45Z")
Another from **Night Court** , the episode where we meet Bull’s mother and discover that Bull’s real name is “Nostradamus”. Bull’s mom: “I always did love that old hunchback.” Fielding: “But I thought…” Bull shoots him an exasperated look: “Don’t.” ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/92 "2017-02-07T13:40:40Z")
Oh, that reminds me of a Night Court related one from Facts of Life… The characters are in Hollywood, and a couple of the girls (Tootie and Natalie, IIRC), have a brief encounter with Richard Moll, and are telling the other girls about it later. \ That’s Bull! \ No, it’s true, I swear! ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/93 "2017-02-07T15:00:13Z")
_Rocky and Bullwinkle_ (The Wossamatta U football team is challenged to a game with a women’s college) Bullwinkle: “What kind of games can we play with _girls_?” Rocky: “It’s too bad we’re a kiddie show.” (pause) “Parcheesi!” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/94 "2017-02-07T15:06:03Z")
Night Court: A lawsuit involving a blow up doll that “busted a boob.” The manufacturer says it couldn’t happen, and starts blowing up the doll to prove it. Dan: Do you know how long that’s going to take. Harry: No (pause) But I bet you do! ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/95 "2017-02-07T15:37:54Z")
One I recall from _Kim Possible_: **Shego:** Not to seem ungrateful, Junior, but why _did_ you break me out of prison?\* **Señor Senior Junior:** Well, my father’s birthday is coming up and– **Shego:** Hold it right there, slick. I don’t do cakes, okay? I don’t _bake_ 'em, and I don’t _jump out of_ 'em! As with the _Soap_ example above, part of the effect was “they got away with that joke?” Apparently the writers were surprised at that, too. \*A couple episodes in the fourth season had this “another villain busts Shego out and ignores Drakken, who rants and rages at the slight” bit. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/96 "2017-02-07T16:03:31Z")
_The Muppet Show_ Floyd Pepper: Kermit! Kermit! Animal took up bowling! Kermit: Well, that’s a nice safe sport. Floyd: You don’t understand! Animal bowls overhand! ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/97 "2017-02-07T16:47:28Z")
From _The Good Place_: Eleanor: What a condescending bench! ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/98 "2017-02-07T17:15:45Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > From **Corner Gas** , IMNAAHO the funniest sitcom ever! My favourite Corner Gas quote was when they were talking about Canadian TV shows and someone mentioned Street Legal and Oscar goes “Street Legal sucked!” (the actor who played Oscar previously played Leon on Street Legal.) ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/99 "2017-02-07T18:29:40Z")
From the episode of _ **Night Court** _ with the beauty pageant contestants: Bull decides to hit on Miss Sweden. \*\*BULL: \*\* Hi! My name is Bull. The girl is baffled. Bull pulls out his pocket notebook and draws her a quick picture. **BULL:** See? Bull! The girl thinks she understands and starts babbling in Swedish as she mimes milking a cow. **BULL:** No, no! (_He adds a detail to the sketch._) BULL! The girl looks again at the picture and is scandalized! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/100 "2017-02-07T18:48:19Z")
Ross Geller’s feeble attempt to flirt with the pizza delivery girl on _Friends._ Ross: You know that smell that gas has? Delivery Girl (looking confused) _What_? Ross: The smell of the gas. They add that so you know when there’s a leak. Delivery Girl: Well, alriiiiiiight Ross: A lot of other gas smells In the background the rest of the gang looks horrified and Chandler deadpans " Oh the humanity". Probably doesn’t seem funny in writing but I cannot watch that scene without laughing my ass off. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=6)