# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/101 "2017-02-07T18:58:30Z")
**AMOS ‘N’ ANDY** Sapphire has just learned that George has legally adopted Andy: **SAPPHIRE:** The only reason Kingfish adopted you was so he could get some money that was coming to him from a will! I swear, Andrew H Brown, you are so dumb you don’t know enough to come in out of the rain! **ANDY:** (_Very indignantly_) I does so! I done it lotsa times! Another episode: George and Sapphire have been listening to a radio show called _ **The Happy Harringtons** _ to try and spice up their marriage. In exasperation, they ask to meet the real-life couple at the studio. **MR H:** Well, when I first got the idea for the show… **MRS H:** Dear,\* I \*was the one who got the idea. **MR H:** Yes, yes, of course you did. Anyway, when I sold it to the station… **MRS H:** Dear,\* I\* was the one who sold it. **MR H:** Yes, yes, of course you were. Anyway, it was my idea to do it live… **MRS H:** No, dear, that was my idea too. **MR H:** Ha! That’s a good one! You’ve never had an idea in your life! **MRS H:** No, _you’ve_ never had an idea in your life! **MR H:** Why, I oughtta wring your scrawny neck! **GEORGE:** Please! Ain’t you gonna tell us the \*secret \*of being _happy_? **MR AND MRS H:**** YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS!** George and Sapphire hurry out of the room as the argument turns violent. A studio tech in the corridor sees what’s happening and yells **THE HAPPY HARRINGTONS ARE AT IT AGAIN!** ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/102 "2017-02-07T19:02:26Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > Ross Geller’s feeble attempt to flirt with the pizza delivery girl on _Friends._ > > Ross: You know that smell that gas has? > Delivery Girl (looking confused) _What_? > Ross: The smell of the gas. They add that so you know when there’s a leak. > Delivery Girl: Well, alriiiiiiight > Ross: A lot of other gas smells > In the background the rest of the gang looks horrified and Chandler deadpans " Oh the humanity". > > Probably doesn’t seem funny in writing but I cannot watch that scene without laughing my ass off. Sounds like something Constanza would say to hit it off with a date! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/103 "2017-02-07T19:11:08Z")
**The Benny Hill Show** _(Benny tells a woman about a deceased man who was in a fire.)_ Woman: Was he badly burned? Benny: They don’t kid around in the crematorium, lady! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/104 "2017-02-07T19:18:55Z")
**ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE** (again) Bullwinkle is frantically trying to warn Rocky of imminent danger. \*\* BULLWINKLE:\*\* Rocky, watch out! Be careful! **ACHTUNG!** ---
**Author:** ![MikeF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MikeF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeF)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/105 "2017-02-07T19:45:33Z")
Kramer: Was it a Titleist? ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/106 "2017-02-07T19:45:38Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > **The Benny Hill Show** > _(Benny tells a woman about a deceased man who was in a fire.)_ > Woman: Was he badly burned? > Benny: They don’t kid around in the crematorium, lady! A couple I remember from _Benny Hill_: _Please don’t blame our doggie. It’s not his fault at all. Someone left a wet umbrella Standing in the hall._ _Why do cemeteries have walls? It’s queer without a doubt. The people outside don’t want to get in, And the people inside surely can’t get out!_ ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/107 "2017-02-07T19:50:28Z")
My favorite Benny Hill line was when he was talking about his lawyers, from the distinguished firm of Martin, Barton, Parton, and Fargo. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/108 "2017-02-07T20:03:02Z")
> [@mbh](#): > > My favorite Benny Hill line was when he was talking about his lawyers, from the distinguished firm of Martin, Barton, Parton, and Fargo. Mine was when he was a drunken guest at a posh dinner party, and asked his host… Benny Hill: Can I go wee now? Host, embarrassed: Yes, of course. Benny Hill: Wheeee! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/109 "2017-02-07T20:12:02Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > Ross Geller’s feeble attempt to flirt with the pizza delivery girl on _Friends._ > > Ross: You know that smell that gas has? > Delivery Girl (looking confused) _What_? > Ross: The smell of the gas. They add that so you know when there’s a leak. > Delivery Girl: Well, alriiiiiiight > Ross: A lot of other gas smells > In the background the rest of the gang looks horrified and Chandler deadpans " Oh the humanity". > > Probably doesn’t seem funny in writing but I cannot watch that scene without laughing my ass off. Yeah, but she hates her haircut; it makes her look like an eight-year-old boy. ---
**Author:** ![DSYoungEsq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c6cbf5/32.png) [@DSYoungEsq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSYoungEsq)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/110 "2017-02-07T20:20:37Z")
From _Yes, Prime Minister_: Bernard: “The Sun’s readers don’t care who runs the country as long as she’s got big tits.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/111 "2017-02-07T20:25:40Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > Ross Geller’s feeble attempt to flirt with the pizza delivery girl on _Friends._ > > Ross: You know that smell that gas has? > Delivery Girl (looking confused) _What_? > Ross: The smell of the gas. They add that so you know when there’s a leak. > Delivery Girl: Well, alriiiiiiight > Ross: A lot of other gas smells > In the background the rest of the gang looks horrified and Chandler deadpans " Oh the humanity". > > Probably doesn’t seem funny in writing but I cannot watch that scene without laughing my ass off. This actually reminds me of the hardest I’ve ever laughed at Friends: [Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes] Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet? Ross: Can’t hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped. Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running. Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross: You haven’t cooked since 1996. Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there’s a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you’re right. I think… listen, listen. Rachel: Huh? Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird’s aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that’s true. The way Ross gives that speech is just priceless ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/112 "2017-02-07T20:41:30Z")
> [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](#): > > Mine was when he was a drunken guest at a posh dinner party, and asked his host… > > Benny Hill: Can I go wee now? > Host, embarrassed: Yes, of course. > Benny Hill: Wheeee! **ADDAMS FAMILY** The Addamses have guests seated around the dinner table. **MORTICIA:** Do you mind if I smoke? **GUEST:** No, go right ahead. **MORTICIA:** (_Crosses her arms and starts billowing smoke, PSSSSSSSSHT!_) A candidate for Mayor is desperately trying to keep the Addamses from giving him their support. **CANDIDATE:** You know all those campaign promises I made? Well, they were nothing but lies! **GOMEZ:** Lies?!? \*\*CANDIDATE: \*\* As phoney as three-dollar bills! **FESTER:** Oh, we’ve got lots of those! ---
**Author:** ![Trancephalic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trancephalic/32/380_2.png) [@Trancephalic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trancephalic)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/113 "2017-02-07T20:50:38Z")
Dee Dee: “What’s the matter?” Dexter: “I have no friends and I’m totally unpopular” Dee Dee: “Duh!” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/114 "2017-02-07T21:16:49Z")
\*\*Cheers \*\* \*Bill Medley of the Righteous Brothers appears and performs. \* Woody: How come you changed your name from “Righteous”? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/115 "2017-02-07T21:20:39Z")
**SOAP** The doorbell rings. Jessica turns toward Benson, the butler. **JESSICA:** Benson, would you like to get that? **BENSON:** No, that’s okay. You can get it. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/116 "2017-02-07T21:28:42Z")
When Señor Wences appeared on the Muppet Show, Fozzie Bear went to Kermit backstage and ranted about how horrible the show was going to be. “And who wants to watch a bunch of puppets. That’s stupid.” He rushes off. Kermit looks out at the audience and says “I didn’t have the heart to tell him.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/117 "2017-02-07T21:32:07Z")
\*\*AMOS ‘N’ ANDY \*\*(again) Kingfish is scamming Andy with “flying lessons.” **KINGFISH:** Now, before you can fly, you have to have 20/20 vision. Now, cover your right eye. (_Writes on blackboard._) How much is ten plus ten? \*\*ANDY: \*\* Uhhhhh … twenty. **KINGFISH:** Now cover your left eye. (_Writes on blackboard again._) How much is five times four? **ANDY:** Uhhhhh … twenty. **KINGFISH:** Congratulations! You have 20/20 vision! ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/118 "2017-02-07T21:44:26Z")
Emily Hartley: Bob! Bob, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/119 "2017-02-07T21:48:32Z")
\*\*LAUREL AND HARDY \*\*(again) In the depths of the Depression, Stan and Ollie are living rough. Stan has an accident with the campfire and ends up destroying the few possessions they still have. **OLLIE:** (_Wearily_) Do you realize what you’ve just done? Now we’re gonna have to \*humiliate \*ourselves by \*begging \*for food! **STAN:** What, again? ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2017, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/120 "2017-02-07T21:51:27Z")
**My Name is Earl:** Earl and Donny’s mom try to quit smoking. “First we tried the tapes, then we tried the patches. Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute, but we couldn’t get the damn things to light.” Also in the episode, Donny’s mom reads from a large print bible. Really, really large print. “For the taber (turns page) nacle of the Lord (turns page)…” More of a sight gag, really. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=7)