# Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 6, 2017, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148 "2017-02-06T07:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/141 "2017-02-08T16:15:58Z")
On the _Drew Carey Show_, a bald eagle has taken up residence inside Drew’s house. Mimi, who used to be a roadie, and has been romantically involved with several rock and rollers, sees the bird and says, “Wow. I haven’t been this close to an eagle since I slept with Joe Walsh.” ---
**Author:** ![Marvin\_the\_Martian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/marvin_the_martian/32/2898_2.png) [@Marvin\_the\_Martian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvin_the_Martian)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/142 "2017-02-08T16:24:49Z")
This one from Cheers just popped into my head for some reason this morning while watching Trump talking about the murder rate: Frasier (after yet another of Cliff’s absurdities): “Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/143 "2017-02-08T16:30:42Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > On the _Drew Carey Show_, a bald eagle has taken up residence inside Drew’s house. Mimi, who used to be a roadie, and has been romantically involved with several rock and rollers, sees the bird and says, “Wow. I haven’t been this close to an eagle since I slept with Joe Walsh.” Was that when Walsh had a role on the show? Batman: “That’s all water over the . . . embankment, Robin.” Because Batman would never say “Dam.” ---
**Author:** ![Marvin\_the\_Martian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/marvin_the_martian/32/2898_2.png) [@Marvin\_the\_Martian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvin_the_Martian)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/144 "2017-02-08T16:31:02Z")
And if we broaden the definition of TV character a bit, the funniest line ever uttered on television is Carnac the Magnificient’s question to the answer [“Sis boom bah”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=263eG7HfwBM&feature=youtu.be). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/145 "2017-02-08T16:39:49Z")
> [@Marvin\_the\_Martian](#): > > This one from Cheers just popped into my head for some reason this morning while watching Trump talking about the murder rate: > > Frasier (after yet another of Cliff’s absurdities): “Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?” “Who are . . . three people who have never been in my kitchen?” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/146 "2017-02-08T17:13:34Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Was that when Walsh had a role on the show? Yeah. He played Ed, the guitar player in Drew’s band. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/147 "2017-02-08T17:33:23Z")
Yet another from Cheers: Diane: “I hate you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns!!” Sam: (sing-songy tone) “Somebody’s cranky.” ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/148 "2017-02-08T18:19:43Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Batman: “That’s all water over the . . . embankment, Robin.” > > Because Batman would never say “Dam.” From the episode where Batman and the Penguin are running for mayor of Gotham City: “Whenever you’ve seen Batman, who’s he with? _Criminals!_ That’s who! Look in the old newspapers. Every picture of Batman shows him with thugs, and with thieves, hob-nobbing with crooks… whereas _my_ pictures always show me surrounded by whom? _By the police!_… Now, which man do you want to run Gotham City? A man like myself, who is always in the company of the law?! Or a man like Batman, who rubs elbows with the worst elements of this city, and who is undoubtedly a desperate criminal himself? Think about it without rancor! And remember this: _No mudslinging in this campaign!_” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/149 "2017-02-08T18:39:09Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Was that when Walsh had a role on the show? > > Batman: “That’s all water over the . . . embankment, Robin.” > > Because Batman would never say “Dam.” I’m going to break the rules again, but it’s relevant I promise. From Batman Forever (I know, I know…) Robin: Holy rusted metal Batman? Batman: What? Robin: This metal, it’s all rusted out by the water, and it’s full of holes! ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/150 "2017-02-08T19:23:18Z")
From Family Guy, there’s the cutaway joke to “Hitler!” a lame late night talk show hosted by Hitler, who is shown briefly interviewing Christian Slater. We break away from the interview for a voice over promo: “If you are in ze Los Angeles area, und vould like teeckets to see `Hitler!’ dial 1-213… (screaming) DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!!” ---
**Author:** ![jrbor76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9e8a1a/32.png) [@jrbor76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jrbor76)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/151 "2017-02-08T19:46:35Z")
_The Simpsons_: Homer (from the episode Selma’s Choice): “Homer-cles cares not for beans!” (maybe not the funniest line he’s ever had, but the delivery is so hammy it cracks me up every time). * * * _Futurama_: Zapp Brannigan (from the episode The Problem with Popplers): “Why’d you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You’d sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive monkey? You must’ve smoked some _bad_ granola!” * * * _Night Court_: one of those marathon court session episodes, forget which one; a case about a woman who attacked a children’s author because her son hurt himself, the dialogue quickly turns into a rhyme right out of Dr. Seuss, culminating in the following (paraphrased): Harry: “Well, the fine is a hundred, and that should be it.” Dan: “Now get outta here, you dumb little-” Harry: “_Dan!_” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/152 "2017-02-08T20:30:09Z")
From _The Simpsons_, _Marge vs the Monorail_, IIRC. Homer has a heart attack in Burns’s office. We see Homer’s soul begin to leave his body. Smithers: He’s dead, sir. Burns: Send the widow a ham. Homer: Mmmmm, ham! Homer’s soul reenters his body and he begins to move. Smithers: Look sir! He’s alive! Burns: Cancel the ham. Homer: D’OHHHHH! ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/153 "2017-02-08T21:04:36Z")
From _Friends_: \*Monica and Chandler are adopting Erica’s baby. She’s not sure who the father is; it’s either the high school quarterback or the guy who killed his father with a shovel. Monica comes home from lunch with Erica. \* Monica: Well, I found out who the father is. Chandler: Oh, God, it’s Shovelly Joe, isn’t it? Monica: Nope. Apparently, Erica didn’t pay much attention in sex ed; what they did, it’d be pretty hard to make a baby that way. Chandler: Was it the thing we hardly ever do, or the thing we _never_ do? Monica: The thing we never do. Chandler: (clearly impressed) Shovelly Joe! ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/154 "2017-02-08T21:23:15Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > From _The Simpsons_, _Marge vs the Monorail_, IIRC. > > Homer has a heart attack in Burns’s office. We see Homer’s soul begin to leave his body. > > Smithers: He’s dead, sir. > Burns: Send the widow a ham. > Homer: Mmmmm, ham! > > Homer’s soul reenters his body and he begins to move. > > Smithers: Look sir! He’s alive! > Burns: Cancel the ham. > Homer: D’OHHHHH! Actually, that’s from _Homer’s Triple Bypass_, appropriately enough. I say this not because it’s important, but to mention that, when I looked it up, it took me to a [page of quotes](https://simpsonswiki.com/wiki/Homer's_Triple_Bypass/Quotes) from that episode, many of which are brilliant. And I’m sure I could say the same about many other episodes from the show’s golden age. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_s\_Son](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19adc/32.png) [@Jim\_s\_Son](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_s_Son)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/155 "2017-02-08T21:29:05Z")
“Hogan’s Heroes” General Burkhalter has just pulled ranked and got command of Stalag 13 from the Gestapo and back to the Luftwaffe Burkhalter “Where are you going, Klink?” Klink “Into town to see Lily Marlene at the Hofhaus”. Burkhalter “What would you rather do: go see Lily Marlene or play chess with a general who can send you to the Eastern front?” Klink (hold chess set) “White for you, General?” “Get Smart” the not so great escape. Maxwell Smart is cornered trying to escape from Camp Gitchee Goonie Nonee WaWa where KAOS is holding CONTROL agents. The sound of barking dogs is heard but it is a tape recording Starker “The dogs ran away after I gave them some of the food we give the prisoners” Seigfried “You fed the prisoners’s food to the dogs? Dumpkopf! No wonder they ran away! You could have made them sick”. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/156 "2017-02-08T21:31:50Z")
Gene gets some of the best lines in _Bob’s Burgers._ some of my favorites: “Double or nothing! Just like me and underpants!” “My bladder asked if my colon could come out and play, and my colon was like, Sure Thing!” Linda: “We should buy an island.” Gene: “And a smaller island next to it. For farting.” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/157 "2017-02-08T21:52:19Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > Gene gets some of the best lines in _Bob’s Burgers._ some of my favorites: > > “Double or nothing! Just like me and underpants!” > > “My bladder asked if my colon could come out and play, and my colon was like, Sure Thing!” > > Linda: “We should buy an island.” > Gene: “And a smaller island next to it. For farting.” Linda (to Bob): Are you ok? How’s your penis? Bob: It’s ok Gene: Mine’s a nightmare in case anyone’s wondering. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/158 "2017-02-08T21:58:59Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > From Family Guy, there’s the cutaway joke to “Hitler!” a lame late night talk show hosted by Hitler, who is shown briefly interviewing Christian Slater. We break away from the interview for a voice over promo: > > “If you are in ze Los Angeles area, und vould like teeckets to see `Hitler!’ dial 1-213… (screaming) DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!!” Why would I need a nurse? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/159 "2017-02-08T22:05:14Z")
Moe: “Barney, don’t steal any beer while I’m gone!” Barney: “What kind of disgusting drunk do you take me for?.. [gasp!] Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!! _[slurrrrrp!]_ Ahhhh!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2017, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148/160 "2017-02-08T22:05:19Z")
> [@Marvin\_the\_Martian](#): > > And if we broaden the definition of TV character a bit, the funniest line ever uttered on television is Carnac the Magnificient’s question to the answer [“Sis boom bah”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=263eG7HfwBM&feature=youtu.be). He gave Ed a heads-up before the show to expect a good one in Carnac, and McMahon still lost it when he heard it. (Of course, that was pretty much his job, but he was still talking about it years later.) 🆒 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-lines-spoken-by-a-tv-character/779148.md?page=9)