# Funniest "M\*A\*S\*H" scene or episode **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 5, 2009, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775 "2009-06-05T03:21:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/21 "2009-06-05T14:15:16Z")
I’ve grown to think the episode where Hawkeye has ahead injury and spends the whole show doing a monologue while he waits with a Korean family to be too preachy. It was when the show started getting way too much into “Hawkeye Drama”, but there is one line that slays me every time I hear it: Hawkeye: "This is my impression of my dad (teacher?) helping me with my homework: ‘…You got it _WRONG_!’ " He says it with such gleeful savagery that I start howling with laughter. ---
**Author:** ![vd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b19c9b/32.png) [@vd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vd)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/22 "2009-06-05T14:39:21Z")
When Hawkeye and Frank get their own POW after a North Korean surrenders to them. > [@](#): > > Frank: “What’s he doing?” > > Hawkeye: “Gosh Frank, don’t you know the international sign for touchdown?” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/23 "2009-06-05T14:42:17Z")
Hawkeye talking to a guy who was beat up by his comrades: Blond Soldier: You see…only two guys got beat up by out unit. One was a colored fellow and one was a homosexual. Hawkeye: So you’re colored. Who would have guessed? ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/24 "2009-06-05T14:56:05Z")
There was an episode where Burns gets a Purple Heart because of a sniper attack on the camp. Burns: I got shell fragments in my eye. Hawkeye: They were \*egg \* shells. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/25 "2009-06-05T14:59:34Z")
“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I’ll carry your books, I’ll carry a torch, I’ll carry a tune, I’ll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I’ll even ‘hari-kari’ if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!” ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/26 "2009-06-05T14:59:35Z")
When one of the surgeons (can’t remember which one, probably Hawkeye) invents a better surgical clamp. In the same episode, Hot Lips’s wedding ring got lost, and they secretly made a replacement…but she figured it out when she realized that the inscription was wrong: “Over hill, over dale, our love will ever fail.” (Was misssing a crucial “n”!) The same person made the prototype clamp for the hospital, with the engraving: “Over hill, over dale, Korean clamp will never fail.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/27 "2009-06-05T15:10:05Z")
Lt. Col. Blake is plowing through a huge stack of paperwork. “What am I signing, Radar?” “Don’t worry about it, sir.” :: sigh :: “OK.” Blake goes through Klinger’s file after Klinger requests a hardship discharge, and takes a little trip down Memory Lane listing all of the family members who Klinger has already reported as ill, dying or dead - some of them repeatedly. Burns screeches over the radio to a North Korean unit: “You can stick that in your obsdian pipe and smoke it!” ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/28 "2009-06-05T15:27:36Z")
"You ordered ribs from 8000 miles away and you didn’t get the _cole slaw!?"_ “Forgive us. We’re draftees.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/29 "2009-06-05T15:37:33Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Margaret is marrying Donald Penobscott, so the guys give him a bachelor party. After he passes out they put him in a body cast, later telling him that he broke his leg. The wedding takes place, and there are tearful good byes, then the couple boards a helicopter for their honeymoon. But nobody thought to tell them that his leg isn’t really broken, and he can remove the cast. Hawkeye is yelling up at the helicopter, but of course can’t be heard. “Now there’s your regulation hug.” Probably my favorite episode. I like the one where Frank is talking to Margaret and Mulcahey. Mulcahey says something and Frank tells him to mind his own beeswax. Margaret calls Frank out on his behavior, to which he sheepishly replies “Sorry, Father. Sorry, mother.” ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/30 "2009-06-05T15:39:52Z")
A few scenes come to mind: 1. Hawkeye and BJ are trying to rescue a horse wandering the Korean countryside (at Radar’s insistence; the horse is eventually given to Colonel Potter). Hawkeye attempts to sidle up to the horse with a lasso, telling BJ, “You have to be casual, make him think you’re just moseying over to the bunkhouse.” The horse immediately gallops away, and BJ looks at Hawkeye: “He KNOWS you’re not going to the bunkhouse.” 1. Hawkeye and Hot Lips are driving in a jeep, when they have a flat. Hawkeye starts to get out to change it, but Hot Lips stops him, saying he’s a surgeon and shouldn’t risk hurting his hands. She starts to jack up the jeep, and then looks at Hawkeye disgustedly, as he lounges in the passenger seat. Hawkeye says, “What?” Hot Lips says, “The least you could do is get out of the jeep.” Hawkeye gets out, and says “Never let it be said I didn’t do the least I could do.” 1. Hawkeye and Radar meet BJ for the first time, after just missing Trapper John to say goodbye. They have several adventures on the way back to the 4077th, including stopping off at Rosie’s bar before they finally enter camp. Burns and Hot Lips are standing at attention awaiting their new surgeon, and BJ crawls out of the jeep, tosses off a military salute, starts laughing, and says “How’s it going, ferret-face?” to Frank before collapsing in laughter against Hot Lips’ legs. 2. Hawkeye, BJ, Burns and Radar are travelling deep into North Korean territory to help wounded prisoners at the request of a North Korean officer. Burns, unbeknownst to the others, has a pistol on him, which had been strictly prohibited. He tells them just as they’re walking up to the North Koreans. They force Burns to tell the North Korean officer (played wonderfully by Mako), and then they tell him to give over the gun. Frank pulls out a tiny, tiny pistol. The North Korean sputters laughter, then says derisively “What the hell is THAT?” 3. Trapper John has gotten very attached to a Korean child who wanders into a mine field right outside of camp. Trapper runs into the field to save him, then stops as he realizes what he’s doing. Radar gets the map to the mine field, and Henry is trying to guide him. After going through several steps, Henry says “And that should put you right in the middle of downtown Berlin.” Several horrified looks are exchanged, and then Hawkeye grabs the correct map. He says, “Trap, don’t move.” Trapper says incredulously, “You’re damn right I won’t!” 4. Trapper finds a Korean tailor who will make him a pin-stripe suit out of excellent material for a very cheap price. At the very end of the episode, he sticks his head in Henry’s office, where Henry, Hawkeye and Radar are talking. He says, “Hey, you guys want to see the world’s greatest pin-stripe suit?” Then he models the suit, and you see that the stripes are all going horizontally, rather than vertically. The others absolutely lose it laughing. 5. Hawkeye is serving as Officer of the Day, and part of his duties are verifying the identity of Korean nationals who come into the camp. One Korean man has no photo ID, so Hawkeye says “Can you identify yourself?” The man points to his chest and says, “This is me.” ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/31 "2009-06-05T15:48:10Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Lt. Col. Blake is plowing through a huge stack of paperwork. “What am I signing, Radar?” > “Don’t worry about it, sir.” > :: sigh :: “OK.” Similarly, after Radar gives an explanation of what Blake is signing (Something like, “Sign this form where it says to initial to indicate that you initialed the other forms where you were supposed to sign them”), Blake asks “Do you understand any of that?” Radar’s response: “I try not to. It slows down the war.” > [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Blake goes through Klinger’s file after Klinger requests a hardship discharge, and takes a little trip down Memory Lane listing all of the family members who Klinger has already reported as ill, dying or dead - some of them repeatedly. Two highlights: Blake: “Here’s an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.” Klinger at the end: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t deserve to be in the army.” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/32 "2009-06-05T15:53:00Z")
A couple of Henry Blake memories. Henry came back from leave in Tokyo in love with an 18-year old. She comes to visit the 4077th. Henry hugs her and says “You smell terrific. What are you wearing?” She whispers into his ear “Practically nothing.” The look on his face is memorable. When Henry is about to climb aboard the helicopter for his discharge, Hawkeye whispers something to him. Henry stops, grabs Margaret and kisses her passionately. Margaret struggles briefly, then seems to melt. Henry breaks off the kiss, walks up to Burns and says “She’s all yours, Frank.” And a couple of early Potter moments. Potter meets his staff for the first time, reviewing their service records. Looking through Houlihan’s: “Major Margaret Houlihan.” “Yes, SIR.” (Potter reads off her various commendations) “Very impressive.” “Thank you, sir.” (Potter picks up another file and starts reading) “Major Frank Burns.” “Just friends, sir.” Potter’s summation after his first day of command, “Why didn’t I shoot myself in the foot and stay in Honolulu?” One great wordless scene: someone leaves a tank at the camp. Frank tries to impress Margaret and tells her he learned to drive a tank in training. He puts the tank in gear but can’t control it. Potter pulls a jeep in front of the tank to block it, then jumps out of the way just before the tank rolls over the jeep and smashes it flat. Potter, the old cavalry soldier, pulls out his pistol and shoots the jeep to put it out of its misery. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/33 "2009-06-05T15:54:46Z")
> [@Tangent](#): > > I love the scene where they are all watching a movie together in the mess hall and the projector breaks down so they start entertaining themselves by acting out scenes in the movie, singing the “They say in the army…” song, and–funniest of all–doing impressions of Father Mulcahy. “Jocularity! Jocularity!” I’ll second this as the best scene and the best episode in the series, humor wise. I will also say the entire Captain Tuttle episode was hilarious. Radar’s reaction when Hawkeye says, “In a way, we all made up Tuttle together…” is priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/34 "2009-06-05T15:59:24Z")
There’s a scene where Frank walks outside the mess tent, and some guys are tossing a baseball (or football) around, and the ball rolls up and stops in front of Frank. Someone yells to Frank, “Come on, throw us the ball Frank!”, and he picks it up and throws it, but you can tell from his form that he’s probably never thrown a ball before. Be buries it into the dirt about 5 feet in front of him. That gets me every time. There’s also one where Hawkeye is trying to describe a smell to someone and he says something like, “Take an egg, a BROWN egg, and stick it in an old boot, then bury it under a chicken coop…”. I like the fact that he makes the distinction of it being a BROWN egg. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/35 "2009-06-05T16:13:20Z")
> [@Baraqiyal](#): > > Frank requires some minor medical procedure, but doesn’t relish the idea of Hawkeye or Trapper cutting him open. Hotlips is trying to comfort him, assuring him that they’re “not animals”. As they enter the Swamp, Frank whimpers as he sees Hawkeye and Trapper dressed in gorilla suits. After listening intently to Frank describe his symptoms, Hawkeye announces that he has to “consult with his colleague”, which involves a lot of grunting, jumping up and down, and chest beating. Frank looks miserable and defeated the whole time. > > I don’t know when I’ve ever laughed so hard. Lots of these are on Youtube. The [above scene](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1zbluQRsv8) certainly is. {Hint: This thread ain’t no good without links.} ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/36 "2009-06-05T16:21:21Z")
While investigating a rash of thefts around the camp, Col Blake asks what’s inside a stovepipe. Trapper deadpans “Soot, Sir.” “I’ll be the judge of that.” Blake shakes the pipe and is soon covered in soot. The scene itself is silly slapstick, but Trapper’s delivery makes it. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/37 "2009-06-05T16:22:15Z")
“Klinger, show some self respect. Get out of that housecoat and put on a dress!” ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/38 "2009-06-05T16:32:26Z")
Two others come to mind, both involving Winchester: 1. Shortly after Winchester’s arrival, he is dictating a taped message to his father. He’s sitting in the Swamp, puttering about, as he’s talking into the microphone. As he begins to pour himself some tea, he says, "Father, I will say this as eloquently, and as succinct … ly … as I can … " During this monologue, he has realized his teapot isn’t pouring tea (which is the cause of the pauses in his speech), so he puts the microphone down and takes off the lid, pulling out a rubber chicken. He picks the microphone back up and says, “Get me the HELL OUT OF HERE!” 1. Hawkeye and BJ come into the Swamp as Winchester is listening to music. BJ says something, and Hawkeye says, “Please, BJ – have some class. That’s Mozart he’s listening to.” Hawkeye lays down on his bunk, and feels something under the blanket. He wriggles around a bit, sticks his hand under the blanket, and pulls out a live green snake. He’s freaked out, bobbling the snake in his hands before finally throwing it out. He looks at Winchester and says, “Snake in the bed. Cute.” Winchester languidly looks over at him, and says, “Please … Mozart.” ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/39 "2009-06-05T16:47:46Z")
I’m sure I’ll garble some details, but… Col. Potter is away for a week and his horse, under Radar’s care, has some kind of intestinal blockage. The remedy, involving BJ, Hawkeye and half the motor pool, is to rig up a hose from the water tower and give the horse an enema. BJ administers the business end of the hose, while Hawkeye lugs water up a ladder into the water tower. _HAWKEYE: I notice I’m doing all the heavy lifting here! BJ: You want to trade with me? HAWKEYE: Forget I said anything._ ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2009, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/40 "2009-06-05T17:10:26Z")
> [@Krokodil](#): > > I’m sure I’ll garble some details, but… > > Col. Potter is away for a week and his horse, under Radar’s care, has some kind of intestinal blockage. The remedy, involving BJ, Hawkeye and half the motor pool, is to rig up a hose from the water tower and give the horse an enema. BJ administers the business end of the hose, while Hawkeye lugs water up a ladder into the water tower. > > _HAWKEYE: I notice I’m doing all the heavy lifting here! > BJ: You want to trade with me? > HAWKEYE: Forget I said anything._ You didn’t garble some of the details. You garbled all of them! It was BJ that was going to go up the water tower. BJ: “It’s pretty high.” Hawkeye: “You want the other end?” BJ: “It’s not so high.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775.md?page=3)