# Funniest "M\*A\*S\*H" scene or episode **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 5, 2009, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775 "2009-06-05T03:21:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/81 "2013-04-24T15:32:55Z")
> [@Wargamer](#): > > I have to second the shooting of the jeep scene. I thought I would die of oxygen deprivation I was laughing so hard… That was probably inspired by a WWII Bill Mauldin cartoon: [http://blogs.knoxnews.com/fredbrown/mauldinjeep.jpg](http://blogs.knoxnews.com/fredbrown/mauldinjeep.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/82 "2013-04-24T15:43:43Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > When Frank runs away then comes back and tearfully reports, “I fell down.” Potter: “How many times?” ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/83 "2013-04-24T17:00:46Z")
The entire incubator episode. General Mitchell: Now just a minute! This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer a lot of questions! Blake: [to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at IKOR] Did you really yell “Give me an incubator or give me death”? ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/84 "2013-04-24T17:12:44Z")
> [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](#): > > Since Tuttle (Season 1, ep 15) has been mentioned, I get to mention my other favourite. > “The General Flipped at Dawn” (season 3, ep 1) > > Whats not to like. Henry Morgan, as General Bartford Steele, and McLean Stevenson as Henry Blake? > > “But first; a number…!” > > That line used to crack me and my housemates up. Infact if things got to serious, one of us would break the tension by pipping up out “But first; a number.” My favorite part of that episode was when he was reviewing the troops. “The Irish were rotten Indian fighters” and “How ya doin’ son? NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!” The cast had to do several takes of that because nobody could keep a straight face. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/85 "2013-04-24T18:02:08Z")
> [@Laggard](#): > > …Blake: [to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at IKOR]… That’s I Corps: [I Corps (United States) - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Corps_(United_States)) ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/86 "2013-04-24T18:29:33Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > My favorite part of that episode was when he was reviewing the troops. > > “The Irish were rotten Indian fighters” and “How ya doin’ son? NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!” > > The cast had to do several takes of that because nobody could keep a straight face. As Klinger arrives in full drag: “Not now, honey, I’m reviewing the troops.” ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/87 "2013-04-24T18:32:53Z")
Damn, saw the news today and wished I had some ice to slide on…but since I live in the deep south that ain’t gonna happen today. RIP “Sidney”… you gave us plenty of tears of joy and tears of sorrow and you seemed to be a good guy all around. Damit. Now I have something in both eyes and a certain theme song running through my head. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/88 "2013-04-24T19:49:19Z")
> [@Patch](#): > > “Attention! Attention all personnel! Tonight’s double feature is _Greed_, and _The Major was a Miner_, starring Major Frank ‘There Goes My Transfer’ Burns.” Not “Minor”? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/89 "2013-04-24T20:16:48Z")
No, miner is correct as he was convinced there was gold in the creek by the camp. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/90 "2013-04-24T20:24:03Z")
Burns always was a minor major. ---
**Author:** ![SCAdian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scadian/32/3292_2.png) [@SCAdian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCAdian)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/91 "2013-04-25T00:11:48Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > “I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I’ll carry your books, I’ll carry a torch, I’ll carry a tune, I’ll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I’ll even ‘hari-kari’ if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!” Definitely my favourite line. My favourite episode, though, is the one with Charles’s French horn. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/92 "2013-04-25T00:21:07Z")
The most memorable scene to me is a throwaway joke – Col. Potter in the shower singing “I like to go swimmin’ Williamsburg bow-legged women and swim between their legs” and then apologizing when Father Mulcahey walks in. I’ve always wanted to learn the complete lyrics to that song, but the only reference I’ve ever found was to that very episode. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/93 "2013-04-25T00:50:02Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > The most memorable scene to me is a throwaway joke – Col. Potter in the shower singing “I like to go swimmin’ Williamsburg bow-legged women and swim between their legs” and then apologizing when Father Mulcahey walks in. > > I’ve always wanted to learn the complete lyrics to that song, but the only reference I’ve ever found was to that very episode. 'Williamsburg"? I heard it as “go swimming WITH bow-legged women…” Now that’s a typo! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/94 "2013-04-25T01:12:56Z")
Damn autocorrect. ---
**Author:** ![adhemar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@adhemar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adhemar)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/95 "2013-04-25T02:56:23Z")
apparently that is most of the song. > **[Title Song](http://mauisnorkeler.blogspot.com/2010/07/title-song.html)** > > Here are the lyrics to the song "I Love to Go Swimmin' with Bowlegged Women". This song is really old. There are rag-time versions of it on ... one of my favorites was Margaret shooting her footlocker ---
**Author:** ![notfrommensa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f14d63/32.png) [@notfrommensa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/notfrommensa)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/96 "2013-04-25T03:43:29Z")
Nice Bump. I was going to repeat the Fanny Fungus seen with Hotlips and then read where I already posted it. 4 years ago. Another seen is when Frank gets paranoid that the Koreans are planting land mines around camp. He gets a some experts to diffuse the land mines and they find out that the Koreans are burying pots of [Kimchi](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimchi). After they dig it up, Hawkeye says: > [@](#): > > Congratulations, Frank, you discovered cole slaw. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/97 "2013-04-25T04:16:47Z")
Loved reading this thread, I can picture every scene (don’t need video links). Some random quotes: Why don’t you sirs act like sirs, sir? – Radar Any mindless baboon can see she isn’t here, including me. – Frank I’ve got two kids of my own. I’m a former child myself. – Henry Quiet, will you? The man is trying to be dull. Go ahead, Frank, dull away. – Trapper Any mindless baboon can see she isn’t here, including me. – Frank mmm ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tooth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c67d28/32.png) [@The\_Tooth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tooth)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/98 "2013-04-25T04:41:43Z")
Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What’s this funny business? Capt. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce: There’s nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver. Maj. Frank Burns: Where’d you get liver? They’re serving hamburger. Capt. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce: You can’t have any. Maj. Frank Burns: Fine. But where did you get it? Capt. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce: From the North Korean. Maj. Frank Burns: North Korean? What North Korean? Maj. Frank Burns: [beat] Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that… Capt. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce: The one who croaked! [Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look] Capt. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You’re not sterile! You’ve ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we’re all out of North Koreans! ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/99 "2013-04-25T05:14:37Z")
From an early episode, Burns wants to make a call to the states. My favorite line bolded: Radar: I can’t reach them now sir, I’ll be calling them yesterday. Frank: That’s ridiculous! Radar: Oh no sir, they’re 16 hours behind us. Our today is their yesterday. Frank: It’s 5 o clock in the afternoon! Radar: Well that’s here, sir. Back there it’s one o clock yesterday morning. Everyone’s gone to bed and said ‘see you tomorrow’. Which, by the time their tomorrow comes will be our yesterday. Frank: Isn’t it 16 hours later there? Radar: No, sir. Frank: Well, what if it is? When would it be now here if it was our today there? Radar: **You see we don’t have the same now, sir. By the time their now becomes our now this’ll be then.** Frank: Ok. I think I’ve got a bead on it. In order for me to talk to them at 9 oc lock in the morning their time what time does it have to be our when? Radar: Uh, 1 o clock our tomorrow morning will get you 9 AM their today there, sir. Frank: Then that’s what we’ll do. Radar: Yes, sir. As soon as I get a circuit, there’s a two day wait. Frank: I can’t wait two days, that’ll be three days ago! Radar: Right. ---
**Author:** ![CaptMurdock](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captmurdock/32/11736_2.png) [@CaptMurdock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptMurdock)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775/100 "2013-04-25T06:40:03Z")
> [@lisacurl](#): > > That episode is one of the top funniest ever for me. Their supply lines have been cut, and they keep bundling more and more personnel together in the tents to conserve fuel. It finally ends with the entire male cast in the Swamp, including Burns in a hammock, suspiciously without a blanket. Trapper and Hawkeye realize Frank’s feet are unnaturally warm and begin to grapple with him, and the one-liners start… > > Klinger: They are hunting socks, I have a bra like that! > Father Mulcahy: Maybe I’ll just sleep in the nurses’ tent… what am I saying?!? > Col. Blake returns from the latrine, “What’s going on?!” > Radar: “They’re hunting socks, sir!” > Col. Blake: “At this hour?!” > > It’s the “at this hour?!” that puts me on the floor. I love Father Mulcahey’s night prayer: “Now I lay me down to sleep, A bag of peanuts at my feet. If I should die before I wake, Give them to my brother Jake!” And Col. Blake exclaiming: “Oh, rats. I have to go to the sandbox!” > [@Laggard](#): > > The entire incubator episode. > > General Mitchell: Now just a minute! This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer a lot of questions! > > Blake: [to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at IKOR] Did you really yell “Give me an incubator or give me death”? My favorite bit of that ep is in Henry’s office with the officer from Supply: Hawkeye: “We’re not asking for a pizza oven!” Supply guy: “Oh, you can have one of those!” Henry: “Really?? Boy, that’d be great on movie night! How do you order the pizza?” Supply guy: “Just use Form 105/J and write in ‘pizza’ where it says ‘machine gun’!” * * * My favorite speech of Col. Potters’ is from the Bug-Out episode: [Potter addresses the entire camp assembly.] "Men: There’s been a rumor going around about this camp bugging out. Now that is one hundred percent, grade-A **bull cookies!** You people ought to know by now that rumors are more prevalent in the Army than cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those personnel of the feminine gland, and our resident celebate, Father Mulcahey! [Radar goes off to answer the phone]. "Now, I have been in touch with General Nathaniel Hamilton. I have known Nate since I was a private, and I am the godfather of his least child, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Six years old, and can already name twenty-four of the forty-eight states! He already has an appointment to West Point! "In any case, General Hamilton has assured me [Radar runs over to him with a clipboard] that we are definitely [reads the message on the clipboard] **bugging out in three hours!** [Looks out over the company.] “BUG OUT!!” 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-m-a-s-h-scene-or-episode/498775.md?page=6)