# Funniest Monty Burns quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 1, 2005, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196 "2005-08-01T20:55:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/1 "2005-08-01T20:55:15Z")
“So, the caterpiller has emerged from the cocoon. As a shark. With a gun for a mouth.” ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/2 "2005-08-01T20:58:21Z")
::singing:: “Like my loafers? Former gophers!” ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/3 "2005-08-01T20:58:51Z")
Smither: People see you as somewhat of an ogre. Burns: Why I ought to club them and eat their bones! ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/4 "2005-08-01T20:59:42Z")
“Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I’m so scared! Oooh, the Germans!” ---
**Author:** ![yanceylebeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yanceylebeef/32/12290_2.png) [@yanceylebeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yanceylebeef)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/5 "2005-08-01T21:00:06Z")
When Smithers was helping him get something to eat out of a can that wouldn’t open: Smithers “Would you like me to order some Chinese, sir?” Burns “No, those people are all Gristle.” Hah! ---
**Author:** ![Orual](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/779978/32.png) [@Orual](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orual)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/6 "2005-08-01T21:03:10Z")
“Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup…” ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/7 "2005-08-01T21:04:00Z")
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks? Smithers: There’s no ‘maybe’ about it, sir. Mr. Burns (wiping a tear from his eye) Excellent… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/8 "2005-08-01T21:19:24Z")
“Have the Rolling Stones killed.” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/9 "2005-08-01T21:22:20Z")
[Click] "I said, _get in_. ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/10 "2005-08-01T21:22:29Z")
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/11 "2005-08-01T21:25:07Z")
If it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty! And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars, then I’m guilty of that too! And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then I’ll soon be guilty of that too! –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/12 "2005-08-01T21:31:41Z")
“Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors”\* “I like to put my feet up”\* “I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!” \*In case you haven’t heard these, context is important. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/13 "2005-08-01T21:33:39Z")
Homer’s impression: Exactly… heh heh heh heh… D’oh! ---
**Author:** ![Pashnish\_Ewing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8797f3/32.png) [@Pashnish\_Ewing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pashnish_Ewing)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/14 "2005-08-01T21:34:35Z")
After someone comments the greatness of the just concluded boxing match: "Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight some Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and fifteen rounds! Of course, back then if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our _nickel_ back.\* Pash \*may or not be exact quote ---
**Author:** ![Pashnish\_Ewing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8797f3/32.png) [@Pashnish\_Ewing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pashnish_Ewing)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/15 "2005-08-01T21:37:52Z")
D’oh! Allright, how about: “Oh, hey there, uh . . . Mr. Brown-Shoes! How about that . . . local sports team!” ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/16 "2005-08-01T21:42:13Z")
> [@Max Carnage](#): > > “Have the Rolling Stones killed.” “But sir, those aren’t the…” ---
**Author:** ![randwill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a3d4f5/32.png) [@randwill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randwill)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/17 "2005-08-01T21:49:34Z")
“We expressd our love physically, which was the fashion of the day.” “Smithers, I’m enjoying this, so-called, ‘iced cream’”. After King Homer (Kong) starts smashing the city; “I’m dreading the reviews, I’ll say that much.” ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/18 "2005-08-01T22:01:16Z")
“Hold on there, maestro. There’s a _New_ Mexico?” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/19 "2005-08-01T22:15:38Z")
"Simpson, put my hand on her knee. “I said ‘her.’ And I said ‘knee.’” ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2005, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196/20 "2005-08-01T22:18:02Z")
> [@randwill](#): > > “Smithers, I’m enjoying this, so-called, ‘iced cream’”. That’s sort of becoming a running joke. In a recent episode he says, “We might get stung by a bumbled bee.” And I don’t know if it’s an exact quote but it sounds like something he’d say and I like to use around the office: “I’m tired of your nincompoopery!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-monty-burns-quotes/315196.md?page=2)