# Funniest Newspaper Headline **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 6, 2000, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607 "2000-06-06T22:43:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Buddy\_Holly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Buddy\_Holly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buddy_Holly)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/1 "2000-06-06T22:43:27Z")
I’m not sure if he still does, but Jay Leno used to have a section called “Headlines” on the Tonight Show where readers sent in amusing/comical but true headlines from local papers. I thought it might be interesting to see what you folks could come up with in this realm of reasoning. My personal favorite from our local paper is an article headlined “Surgeons see guns as major health threat.” Oh, really? Funny, I’d always thought they were a cure for migraines, thanks for clearing that up. Your favorites? And, yeah, this thread is a blantent ripoff of that “Funniest product warning” one, which I found quite amusing. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![divemaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/divemaster/32/78_2.png) [@divemaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/divemaster)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/2 "2000-06-07T00:10:35Z")
I clipped this one: YOUTH, FARM ANIMALS HIGHLIGHT WEEKEND RETREAT You can go all sorts of places with that one. ---
**Author:** ![TheNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TheNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheNerd)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/3 "2000-06-07T00:50:50Z")
I clipped one a few years ago, but it was partly visual. There was a picture of a firefighter in full protection gear standing in the middle of the ruins of a house, hosing down the remaining coals. It looked like there had been a gas explosion or something. Right below that was a headline for a different story: “Population Explosion in Waller County” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/4 "2000-06-07T16:39:11Z")
Jay Leno, my patootie. He stole the idea from The Columbia Journalism Review, which, on their back page, has been running these howlers for decades. They have two books of them out—RED TAPE HOLDS UP BRIDGE and SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM—which y’all should rush to find (they’re out of print). I save them, too; a few I can recall are— HOW TO LICK DOBERMAN’S LEG SORES FIVE ON WAY TO CRUISE AMONG PLANE CRASH VICTIMS LOT OF WOMEN FINE, STUDY SAYS WOMAN BETTER AFTER BEING THROWN FROM BRIDGE TEEN SEX PROBLEM IS MOUNTING ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/5 "2000-06-07T16:46:43Z")
When the MicroSoft anti-trust verdict came in the New York Daily News ran this headline: You Got Nailed! ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/6 "2000-06-07T17:24:56Z")
I hesitate to submit this one, given the Wisconsin bashing that’s occurred lately, but it is really priceless. The Wisconsin Governor has extensive line-item veto authority. After one particularly creative veto session by Governor Thompson, a state newspaper headline read: **Thompson’s Pen is a Sword** (un)fortunately, the space between “pen” and “is” was very small… We all had it posted a work for the longest time. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Derfel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@Lord\_Derfel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Derfel)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/7 "2000-06-07T18:18:39Z")
The National Post ran a story a few months ago titled: _Two tiny moons discovered near Uranus_. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/8 "2000-06-07T20:22:44Z")
This was from 1995 or so, I can’t remember the name of the paper, but it ran a story about terrorism in the Middle East with the headline: **SUICIDE BOMBER RENEWS ATTACKS** ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/9 "2000-06-07T20:30:11Z")
I saw this one on Jay Leno, and it sticks with me: **Bush Briefed on Drought Situation, Says Rain Needed to End It** BTW, that’s Bush the elder it referred to. That’s how long he’s been doing that shtick (although back then he was the designated guest-host for Johnny Carson, not the actual host). ---
**Author:** ![Procrutes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3ab097/32.png) [@Procrutes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrutes)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/10 "2000-06-07T21:03:54Z")
I can’t remember the exact wording, but it was an Army General being investigated for something… “Ft Rucker General Probed” ---
**Author:** ![Drew\_Blade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/958977/32.png) [@Drew\_Blade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drew_Blade)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/11 "2000-06-07T21:44:28Z")
I have a couple that come to mind. “Ancient Tongue Found Alive in Syria” had to do with people speaking a nearly extinct language. The second one has to do with the Ball brothers (of Muncie Indiana) and a painted portrait in a gallery: “Lincoln Hung by Balls.” ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/12 "2000-06-07T21:49:20Z")
Back in high school one week our girls basketball team had a bunch of injuries, and the boys Team won a quadruple over-time game. Thanks to a smartass senior newspaper editor and a distracted faculty advisor the side-by-side headlines were Central Girls all Knocked Up Boys Show Good stamina in lengthy affair. ---
**Author:** ![Kipper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Kipper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kipper)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/13 "2000-06-08T04:05:02Z")
Way back in the Eighties our local paper ran the head line “Russia Invades Afganistan” beside another story with a large picture but a small headline. The picture was of a group, including myself, dressed as 19th C millitary costume as part of a historical renactment. I have been led to belive that someone lost their job over that one. ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/14 "2000-06-08T05:29:52Z")
**as\_u\_wish** said: > [@](#): > > **Thompson’s Pen is a Sword** > > (un)fortunately, the space between “pen” and “is” was very small… There was a similar headline in Pennsylvania back in the '80s. Dick Thornburg had signed a lot of legislation, and a newspaper wanted to indicate that his pen had been busy. What they ended up printing, however, was: **Governor’s Penis Busy** Which makes me suspect some of these things are intentional. ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/15 "2000-06-08T06:33:34Z")
**Army’s Sex Probe Snarled** **Durham Firm Helps Out Boy Scouts** **Stratham Man Named Fish Panel Head** News from the town of Big Ugly, West Virginia: **Big Ugly Girl Wins Beauty Contest** I heard about this when I lived in W.Va. but I didn’t see it myself. _From Fractured English_ by Richard Lederer > [@](#): > > **Warring Factions Don’t Agree > Suicide Bombers Strike Again > After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth > High Court to Hear Marijuana Case > Starving Angolans Eating Dogs, Bark** ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/16 "2000-06-08T13:23:19Z")
I couldn’t stop laughing when the KFOR Chronicle from either April or May had bumping headlines which read across two pages: “Germans stop beating/Polish humanitarians” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jesuslynch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e99b99/32.png) [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/17 "2000-06-08T14:15:34Z")
Back on February 1, 1997, Jessica Darling married Benjamin Swallow. On February 16, 1997, the _Arkansas Democrat Gazette_ ran the following wedding announcement: ``` **SWALLOW-DARLING** ``` ---
**Author:** ![jesuslynch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e99b99/32.png) [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/18 "2000-06-08T14:33:48Z")
Looking at the same page of wedding announcements I noticed this one… ``` **SHEFFELD-PUTZ** ``` ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/19 "2000-06-08T20:05:39Z")
I actually sent this one in to Leno, don’t know if he used it or not. It was in the text of an article in The Baltimore Sun about 3-4 years ago.The article talked about U.S. Navy fighter planes and made reference to the “F/A 18 Super Horney Fighter”. Sounds like a lot of the Navy guys I know. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2000, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607/20 "2000-06-08T20:37:18Z")
“All Utah Sentenced To Be Shot” is one that’s actually in my scrapbook. (Sorry, Snark and peaches, we’ll miss you!) Back in the mid/late 1970s, when the death penalty was making its comeback, the authorities in Utah decided that all who were sentenced to death in the state (“All Utah Sentenced”) would be shot, rather than hanged, fried, gassed, or whatever. I’m still ROFL about Swallow-Darling, and the knocked-up girls! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-newspaper-headline/21607.md?page=2)