# Funniest Panhandler Story **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 15, 2008, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889 "2008-11-15T19:18:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/21 "2008-11-16T09:37:03Z")
Best cardboard sign > [@](#): > > Family killed by Ninjas > > Need money for Kung Fu lessons ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/22 "2008-11-16T10:51:00Z")
**Tapioca Dextrin** and **KRC** you have made my day. Shit i laughed at those. My favourite was the impeccably honest: 3 bad habits to support. I gave him a dollar even though he was tidily dressed. So it seems humour works. I may try panhandling with something like: Need $195 to try the degustation menu at [Tetsuya’s](http://www.tetsuyas.com/page/menu.html). Accompanying wines not necessary - I have been on the wagon for 37 days. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/23 "2008-11-16T12:10:40Z")
While in Boston I got into the habit of giving this guy who slept under a bridge, a few dollars each day. A cop sauntered across and said I shouldn’t do that as he probably had more money than I had ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/24 "2008-11-16T12:30:34Z")
One homeless guy I know was an engineer before several streaks of bad luck, but that doesn’t matter. He had two signs, one was normal “need food” sign, one was going to have stuffed animals that waved and told children to buckle up while he was by the street. He asked me to donate a little money to buy the components, most people at my (then) church gave him a few bucks after I told them that (I gave him a couple), and trust me, the people at my church do not give money to homeless people, we only gave food/water bags as a general rule. The best part? He actually DID it. I drove past him once, there was a stuffed monkey, a panda and a rabbit (I think) rigged with motors and limbs to wave with some lights around the rim that said “be safe, buckle up.” It’s kinda funny, but it mostly just puts a smile on my face thinking about it, here’s a guy who lost almost everything, lives under a wash, who nonetheless sets a couple hundred dollars aside so kids don’t get hurt. We (collectively) brought him at least a months worth of food for that, and I think a couple families still visit him every once in a while in his makeshift home (apparently he’s doing quite well and may make it back to civilization soon). ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/25 "2008-11-16T13:17:19Z")
Ragdaddy: “Hey, do you got a quarter?” Snotty-looking suit: “{Hrrummmph!}No.” Ragdaddy: “Here, have one!” (_flips coin in the SLS’s direction_) ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/26 "2008-11-16T15:20:28Z")
One New Year’s Eve the group I was in was approached, and asked if we’d like to donate to the “United Negro Pastrami Sandwich Fund”. ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/27 "2008-11-16T15:38:31Z")
I remembered one that I liked even more. When I was a teenager a bunch of us were hanging out in Washington Square park in Greenwich Village smoking a joint and a guy came up to us and said that he was about to ask us for some money and asked if we wanted the real reason or a fake one. We decided that we wanted to hear the fake one first so he went off into this long, long story with half a dozen characters having a series of unlikely ailments and hilarious mishaps that had us roaring with laughter. Then he told us the obvious real reason which was that he wanted to buy beer. We gave him $20 because he had entertained us so well. He should have been working in one of the comedy clubs but he probably couldn’t stay sober that long. ---
**Author:** ![Ronald\_C.Semone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cc9497/32.png) [@Ronald\_C.Semone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ronald_C.Semone)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/28 "2008-11-16T17:03:06Z")
A few years ago I was spending lunch sitting on a park bench when a middle-aged, nicely dressed woman sat next to me, opened her purse, looked in and said “No, I don’t have enough. I just don’t have enough.” She then turned to me and said “Excuse me, sir, you look like you have more money than me. Could you give me a dollar for a cocktail?” ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/51bf81/32.png) [@Big\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Blue)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/29 "2008-11-16T18:45:36Z")
> [@Karyn](#): > > Another is kind of a Grateful Dead meets Jerry Lewis cross from years ago that wouldn’t be funny if you weren’t a deadhead. Karyn, do tell. Weir everywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/30 "2008-11-16T19:17:47Z")
> [@Big\_Blue](#): > > Karyn, do tell. Weir everywhere. OK - I don’t need much encouragement 🙂 I started traveling around to see shows in the mid-70s and there were only a few hundred of us then. We sold all sorts of things and never panhandled because it’s just tacky and we weren’t truly poor, just goofing off. That all changed in the mid-80s and thousands of kids were all of a sudden on tour and they panhandled everywhere they went. It wasn’t very funny and caused all sorts of problems but one year they hit the sign jackpot. 7-11 stores all had those collection boxes for muscular dystrophy and that year’s sign said “Help save Jerry’s Kids and give us your spare change”. I think they stole every one on the west coast and the rest of us were so embarrased that we felt compelled to drop change in every signless store box we saw. Maybe it’s only funny when you stay high all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/51bf81/32.png) [@Big\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Blue)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/31 "2008-11-16T19:40:00Z")
Mmm…How do you know they weren’t just really dedicated to the the Muscular Dystrophy Association? I’m standing behind that. I mean, those telethons are truly compelling, who wouldn’t want to contribute? Can’t knock the catch phrase, though. Was good fodder for many t-shirts. Moreover, gotta give some kudos for the creativity of the deadhead mind. Sorta. Well, at least your story didn’t have anything to do with the “Spare a spill, Bro?” phenom. That one never sat right with me. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/32 "2008-11-16T20:17:38Z")
> [@Big\_Blue](#): > > Well, at least your story didn’t have anything to do with the “Spare a spill, Bro?” phenom. That one never sat right with me. The worst was “spare change to get a brother out of jail.” The same people every show taking advantage of the generosity of the scene. I’m going to my first NYE show since Jerry died this year. It’ll be Phil ‘n’ Friends and Ratdog. Should be a fun one. ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/33 "2008-11-16T20:28:20Z")
There is a lady here in Austin with a sign that reads, “On my last leg”. She actually has only one leg. ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/51bf81/32.png) [@Big\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Blue)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/34 "2008-11-16T20:30:44Z")
Good for you hajario. I’ve done it since Jerry, to the Other Ones NYE and it was a great time. This year will kick ass, I’m sure. Got my miracle? (Whoops, would that be considered panhandling? Of course not!) My old roommate would frequent our local Sunoco “On the Run” type market, that has it’s occasional panhandler. There was one dude who would ask for money and had a story that consisted of a sad combination of this and that, naming cities, problems and sick relatives. You know the type of story. Roommate had many encounters with Dude, he stopped at this place ever night on the way home from his late night bartending job. Dude was apparently a junkie. Dude was respectful enough and Roommate would occasionally give change, whatever. Roommate has a good heart. Though not rich himself, he has empathy for those in need, whatever the need, and passes no judgment. One night, Roommate came home to tell me he had frequented the OTHER Sunoco “On the Run”, which was about, oh, four blocks away. Upon exiting his Jeep, he was approached by the same panhandler, only this time with a completely different story. Completely different sad combination of this and that, different cities he had come from and needed to get to, different problems and completely different ailing relatives. Roommate just looked at Dude and said, “You don’t recognize me, do you?”. He then went on to explain to Dude that he may wish to rethink his marketing plan. Being as that he chose to work gas stations serving the community of drivers within the same urban neighborhood, a consistent story, no matter how far fetched, was imperative. Roommate explained that though a couple blocks may seem a great distance while walking dope sick, it wasn’t if you were driving. Blowing the cover story had ruined the illusion, and lessened all possibility of more spare change, regardless of how farfetched the original story had been. At least it was consistent. I can’t remember what Roommate said happened next. I think Dude’s jaw just dropped, and quickly turned to walk away. Bummer for Dude. Roommate was a steady contributer to the cause. ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/51bf81/32.png) [@Big\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Blue)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/35 "2008-11-16T20:32:39Z")
> [@UncleRojelio](#): > > There is a lady here in Austin with a sign that reads, “On my last leg”. She actually has only one leg. I would contribute, no doubt. I love this kind of creativity. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/36 "2008-11-16T21:02:26Z")
Once in Albany, and Black panhandler came up to me and said: “Excuse me, but could you please contribute to the United Negro Pizza Fund?” I laughed and gave him some money. ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/37 "2008-11-16T23:40:27Z")
> [@Big\_Blue](#): > > Got my miracle? (Whoops, would that be considered panhandling? Of course not!) At least you put out enough effort to ask out loud. The ones that annoyed me were people that just sat there with their finger held up and didn’t say a word and then whined loudly about not getting tickets. My favorite jaw-dropping ticket begging act was at Oakland Coliseum. A woman was walking through the parking lot saying “Prostitution is illegal in the state of California, but barter sure ain’t”. I saw her dancing around later that night so she must have found a taker. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/38 "2008-11-16T23:48:25Z")
> [@samclem](#): > > Slightly off track–I got one of those calls years ago from the people selling “permanent” light bulbs. I said, “We don’t use light bulbs.” He asked why, I said we were blind. He had no answer. But sir, I must also point out you can use these light bulbs as hand warmers in winter. It’s better than a fire because you don’t have to worry about burning down the house with an open flame. You sir, will be the envy of all the blind people in the neighborhood. ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/51bf81/32.png) [@Big\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Blue)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/39 "2008-11-16T23:52:30Z")
> [@Karyn](#): > > At least you put out enough effort to ask out loud. The ones that annoyed me were people that just sat there with their finger held up and didn’t say a word and then whined loudly about not getting tickets. Well, there is an implied, unspoken message to the raised finger sans vocalization. I am guilty of using it myself, no doubt, however don’t really see anything wrong with it. I just figured in this case hajario wouldn’t see my finger. I did raise my hand though. My alternate would be calling out “Cash or trade for your extra!”, which often results in a miracle, too. > [@Karyn](#): > > My favorite jaw-dropping ticket begging act was at Oakland Coliseum. A woman was walking through the parking lot saying “Prostitution is illegal in the state of California, but barter sure ain’t”. I saw her dancing around later that night so she must have found a taker. Oh yeah! That was a good show! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889/40 "2008-11-17T00:28:39Z")
Oops, sorry about the finger thing. It must have worked well if you even got an extra ticket out of it to make a new friend with 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-panhandler-story/472889.md?page=3)