# Funniest posts ever **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 30, 2003, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222 "2003-03-30T15:13:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/21 "2003-03-31T14:55:51Z")
**Cervaise** ’s [“The Telemarketer Speaks. I Respond”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51270) thread is an all-time classic. ---
**Author:** ![djf750](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ea666f/32.png) [@djf750](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/djf750)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/22 "2003-03-31T15:20:02Z")
WEIRDDAVE’S post in response to a woman poster who said she thought osama was “hot” (this about a week after 9/11) Excerpt from Kabul Nights by Aziz al-Hazzim, @2001, Beeline/Afghanistan Press, P 37. All rights reserved. " Osama entered the candle-lit bunker quietly, leaning his Ak-74 against the wall as he looked at the recumbant form lying passively on the bed. Her dark eyes bored into his from beneith her veil, enflaming his senses like the fires from a thousand World Trade Centers. Her mighty breasts heaved with passion beneith the black chador she wore. Daringly, she extended her right foot, giving the Islamic stud a glimpse of her bare ankle. The sight of 2 inches of bare flesh caused Osama’s heart to beat like the thunder of a thousand AK-47s, pounding away in a glorious Jihad against the infidels of the west. Languidly, she sat up, coyly whispering in a husky voice " Take me like you’re going to take the Great Satan." His engorged member strained against the front of his robe, and a lewd smile escaped the confines of his dark beard. " My followers are reading my Scud missiles for attack," he purred, " But right now I’m going to show you how I use a ‘Stud’ missile." Passionately, he threw himself onto the bed and into her arms…" I love the line about “2 inches of flesh” ---
**Author:** ![Deadly\_Nightlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Deadly\_Nightlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deadly_Nightlight)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/23 "2003-03-31T17:45:53Z")
I am completely cracked up- There was a post in the thread about enterprise episodes theat makes me laugh so hard I want to cry- I am off to look it up 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/24 "2003-03-31T19:42:42Z")
The classic one of " An Open Letter to My Pets" continously slays me. The "Possible Onion Headlines " following 9/11 was simply stellar. There was one, that I can’t remember, about somebody with a blowhorn that started a revolution of pure silliness. ---
**Author:** ![Flowerchild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/858c86/32.png) [@Flowerchild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flowerchild)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/25 "2003-04-01T06:38:59Z")
I’m not sure where it is, but I rewmember reading a post where the top line was “FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS SHAVE THEY’R ASS HAIR” Or something along those lines. Friggin hilarious ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/26 "2003-04-01T08:09:40Z")
Lieus deer hunting story. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard or wanted to protect Bambi more. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=150992&highlight=deer](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=150992&highlight=deer) ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/27 "2003-04-01T11:58:07Z")
**Oxymoron** ’s recent post of “But it did prove conclusively to me that despite Nabisco’s best advertising efforts, not everything is better if it fits on a Ritz.” Which may not sound funny at first, but it will when you read the title of [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=173713) thread. ---
**Author:** ![Othersider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cab0a1/32.png) [@Othersider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Othersider)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/28 "2003-04-01T12:11:08Z")
I really should post here more often. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/29 "2003-04-01T18:31:25Z")
I don’t remember who wrote it but there was one in the BBQ Pit a while back titled “You people with two eyes just shut up!” I just about blew hot coffee out my nose reading that one. ---
**Author:** ![Deadly\_Nightlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Deadly\_Nightlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deadly_Nightlight)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/30 "2003-04-02T15:09:29Z")
How about the gashlycrmb dopers 😃 that was great ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/31 "2003-04-02T15:36:57Z")
The [cat-dropping physics thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=70667) is one of my favourites. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/32 "2003-04-02T23:12:27Z")
WARNING: POOEY There was one about the best way to wipe. Yes, THAT. One guy responded with something along the lines of “I have a really hairy ass. When I go, I’m faced with a situation that can only be compared to scraping peanut butter out of carpet.” For some reason, I’m still laughing over that years later. Oh, and hey! No one’s linked to Wally yet? ---
**Author:** ![WillSantini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ed8c4c/32.png) [@WillSantini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillSantini)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/33 "2003-04-03T00:06:17Z")
[jarbabyj’s](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=149634) fart thread will keep you laughing/crying for a while. ---
**Author:** ![catnoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@catnoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catnoe)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/34 "2003-04-03T01:00:23Z")
What was the thread…? Someone wrote about waking up to a hand in their face and after a few freaking out moments figures out that it’s their own hand. Several more folks added their own adventures. I laughed my ass off, tears streaming down my face. Then my sister called and I had to read her a few of my favorites from the thread. 'Had trouble reading them to her as 24 hours later they were just as funny. As a new addition, **Paytons ‘Spider in the pants’** post had my hubby giving me funny looks and asking if I was okay. (Fortunately, I’d been to the bathroom shortly before reading it.) ---
**Author:** ![Interrobang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/interrobang/32/17463_2.png) [@Interrobang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Interrobang)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/35 "2003-04-03T01:32:42Z")
I find myself unable to choose between these three Pit rants by **Sauron** : [At least kiss me if you’re going to knead my Danish like that](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=170657) or [I met the Lowest Common Denominator at Winn-Dixie!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=156156) or [I stood next to the Emperor of the World at McDonald’s!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=152737) Solomon himself would declare this choice a real pickle. ---
**Author:** ![Hometownboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5e9695/32.png) [@Hometownboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hometownboy)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/36 "2003-04-03T07:14:22Z")
And I always get a hoot out of [The Infamous Goat Cannon thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=41020&highlight=goat+cannon) There’s something about a hircine howitzer that just has me howling. ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/37 "2003-04-03T15:04:02Z")
Try this greatly underestimated post: [Dateline 2007: STA\_D \_0 THE \_UCK\_\_G R\_GHT! What does it mean?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=125786) ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/38 "2003-04-13T12:19:08Z")
My personal favorite: [I Am Going To Blow People Mind’s At My Funeral](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=80870) Gotcha ya! ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/39 "2003-04-13T14:21:18Z")
\*\*Welby’s{/b] [SECURITY ALERT - Squirrels on the Move](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=160972&highlight=squirrel) ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222/40 "2003-04-13T14:56:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Interrobang!? \* > \*\*I find myself unable to choose between these three Pit rants by **Sauron** : > > [At least kiss me if you’re going to knead my Danish like that](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=170657) > > or > > [I met the Lowest Common Denominator at Winn-Dixie!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=156156) > > or > > [I stood next to the Emperor of the World at McDonald’s!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=152737) > > Solomon himself would declare this choice a real pickle. \*\* Thanks, **Interrobang!?**! I’d missed these. I gotta spend more time in the Pit. I want to be like **Sauron** , when I grow up. If I _have_ to grow up. I may be losing that battle, but the war ain’t over, yet. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funniest-posts-ever/165222.md?page=3)