In one of my High School History classes we had one of those Movie screen World maps that was pulled down. A student says (I honestly don’t remember why), “Where is China on that map?”
Teacher points to China. “Here”
Student says, “But I thought China was on the other side of the world?”
Teacher peaks behind the screen, “Nope, not there.”
Have you asked a Belgian to pronounce it? When you do, listen closely.
The teacher asks us, “did anybody go to the Auto Show last week at the PNE grounds?” Frank raises his hand.
Teacher: “Yeah, Frank, of course you’d be at the auto show. What did you see there?”
Frank: “Cars.”
Same teacher, at the start of another class, “Ok, today we’re gonna talk about…”
Derwin: “Owooooo!!!” Class cracks up.
Teacher: “Alright, what’s going on here, Derwin, why did you make that noise?”
Derwin: “I sat on a tack.” Class cracks up again.
Teacher: “Ok we’re gonna get to the bottom (sic) of this. What do you know about this Derwin?”
Derwin: “It hurts.” Class totally loses it.
Same room, different teacher…I"m sitting at the front of the row at the far right side of the room, closest to the door, clowning around with a guy in the corresponding seat in the room across the hall. I print in my notebook, in big block letters: - FUCK YOU - and flash it at the guy across the hall. He starts to crack up just before my teacher walks into the room to see me holding up a big FUCK YOU sign. Oddly enough I didn’t get hassled about it.
Finally, in Biology …I had stopped participating in the class because I found it terminally boring. I wasn’t allowed to drop the course, so I had to attend. So I would do my other homework, or just read, etc. I hated to be there, and the teacher wasn’t too happy about having a resident non-participant in his class.
One day it occurred to me…ok, I can’t withdraw, but maybe he can kick me out! Brilliant! so I go up to the teacher, a mild-mannered little guy, and I say, “sir, I know I’m not allowed to withdraw from this class, but I was thinking, maybe you could just kick me out?” And he practically roars, “Yawuntz, I’d love to kick you out! I’d love to kick you so far I’d never hear you land! But I can’t, so I’m stuck with you!” Ah, so many happy memories…
Mr. P, can I go to the bathroom?
Me: As long as you leave the library first.
Also courtesy of my brother:
Teacher: “Let’s do this orally.”
My brother’s classmate: “No, I think we should do it rectally!”
(Naturally, these kids thought they had made that up.)
A PE teacher I worked with loved to tell about the time a kindergarten aged boy came limping up to him and said little Sally had kicked him.
“Where did she kick you?”
Pointing to his crotch, “Here Mr. Falstaff, right in the tentacles!”
I may have missed something, but…did he say this with the rest of the class listening? 
Yeah this was right at the front of the class, everybody poring over their work. It was hilarious. Beautiful to look back on. I’ve forgotten all the drudgery and bullshit, and all that remains are the highlights, the high notes:)!
Ah. Thank you.
Renal physiology lecture in Med School (basically, how the kidney works).
The teacher is trying to be funny and says “You know why beer goes through you so fast? It’s because you don’t have to change the color”
A couple of minutes later he is quizzing the class, asking questions like “What causes blood in the urine” and “What causes pale urine?” He gets to “What causes dark urine” and some guy from the back of the class pipes up “dark beer”. The class all cracked up.
To this day, whenever a patient comes in and says he has dark urine, my mind flashes back to “dark beer”.
Grade 7, the teacher was doing a survey about the ages of the students in the class.
Teacher: “Are there any 13 year old boys in the class?”
nobody says anything
Teacher looks bewildered. “Are there no 13 year old boys in the class?”
Guy beside me: “We’re not boys. We’re MEN.”
Teacher rolls his eyes. “Fine. Are there any 13 year old MEN in the class?”
Half the boys raise their hands.
In college, I was taking a course on UI design from the head of the comp sci dept. He had a well deserved reputation as a bad teacher, spent class time babbling about inane non-class stuff, would sometimes just dismiss class if he didnt have anything ready, tests had wildly random contents, gave ridiculous homework assignments, etc. To give you an idea of how bad he was, Asian and Indian grad students would read the paper during his class. So on the day of the final he’s passing out blank scratch paper before test. It gets to me, I look at it and say ‘Oh good, he’s testing us on the notes this time’. Everyone around me cracks up, and my friend who was sitting behind me punched my shoulder afterwards, saying ‘Dammit, thats all I could think about during the test’.
Another class, same teacher, collaborative computing or something. He picks a bunch of us and has us at a table in the center of the room. We’re supposed to discuss a development project with just us, no computers, no books, no tools, just us. I turn to my friend Josh next to me and say ‘Sorry man, he said no tools.’ The class laughed, but it went right over the teacher’s head.
When I was student teaching in the mid-1980’s, some kids were complaining about an assignment. “Why do we have to go to school anyway? Who thought that up?”
Another student said gloomily, “It’s probably Reagan’s fault.”
In English class, age 11 or 12: just back from the Christmas / New Year holidays. The teacher was asking us what we’d been reading over the holidays.
Boy: I read a book about unknown animals, sir.
Teacher: Hmm – that must have been rather a short book.
So much for cryptozoology…
College at Western Michigan University.
The class was “Special Education for Elementary Education Teachers”. We had just gone through the chapter on Hearing Impairments. The teacher asked, “Are there any more questions on hearing impairments before we move on?”
I tried to stop myself. I really did, but before I could it just sort of came out:
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
The class roared!
In a US and Texas Government class in the early nineties, the profezssor was talking about the evolution of obscenity laws. After he spoke about British Common Law being the basis of most of the laws in the US, he mentioned that at one point in history, Common Law described pornography as “anything that would cause the basest member of society to have prurient thoughts.”
In my best Beavis (Butthead? I could never keep them straight) voice, I said, “You said ‘member’!”
I don’t know any folks of Belgian extraction anymore and you have me curious. The family back home pronounced it something like shettaket (which the student teacher would have known if he’d bothered to ask the kid rather than be a d**k about it), but they weren’t recent immigrants so I’m sure it had been Americanized to some extent.
Even my best Google name pronounciation websites failed me on this name.
So please, do, enlighten me. I’d really like to know.
Not being of Low Countries ancestry, I rely on textbooks for my information.
Subject to correction, I regard the combination “sch” in Dutch and Flemish as pronounced “s-kh”–that is, the “s” as in “so” and the “kh” as “ch” in Scottish “loch.” Not “Sch” as in “Schubert.”
Hardest I’ve ever laughed in class was 5th grade. Greg raises his hand.
Greg: “Mrs. Martinez, Ronaldo just farted!”
<class giggles uncontrollably>
Mrs. Martinez: “Children please, if you need to pass gas, just raise your hand and ask to be excused to the restroom. Or, at least go out in the hallway.”
My friend Jack shoots his hand up into the air.
Jack: “Mrs. Martinez, I have to FART. Can I use the hallway?”
<class totally loses it>
Biggest laugh I ever got: For reasons that are not interesting, I was explaining to my class what deviled eggs are, and that “deviled” meant spicy. This culminated with me explaining that mustard was “you know, white people spicy”. My 75% Hispanic/Asian student body entirely lost it, each and every class.