# Funny AND true telemarketer stories **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 25, 2003, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378 "2003-02-25T11:58:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/1 "2003-02-25T11:58:23Z")
Not in the pit because … well … there are enough pit threads about telemarketers. How about a light-hearted one?🙂 Telemarketer calls up yesterday again asking for mr. [fiancee’s last name]. I tell him nobody by that name has lived here in a long time. He starts in about being notified that we recently canceled our MCI long-distance service. I tell him we still (remember my previous thread on this?:)) have never used that service. He says “Okay, how about AT&T?” I ask him “Are you just going to keep mentioning phone companies until you guess right?” He says “…noIjustwantedtoletyouknowaboutour5centsaminuteandnofeesservice” in not the kindest voice I have ever heard. I reply “we have better” and hang up rather curtly. If I remember to, next time, I’ll ask him for his home phone number so I can call him at my convenience and we can discuss this at more length. I mean, it’s only “5centsaminuteandnofees”. I didn’t hear “pretty please and then I’ll never call you again I promise! Cross my heart and hope to be discovered by the Better Busines Bureau!” I guess I should be thankful he didn’t think I was a woman, as he did last time (same guy, unless he’s got a voice twin). ---
**Author:** ![Mooney252](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7c8e57/32.png) [@Mooney252](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooney252)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/2 "2003-02-25T12:12:49Z")
[hijack warning on] Iampunha – Watch your phone bill carefully. The technique used on you (or your fiancee) is called “slamming,” in which a telephone company gets your long distance service changed without your consent. When contested, they’ll claim that this conversation included your agreement to change. The most scurrilious example I’ve ever heard is a tape taken by a homeowner. There were two telemarketers on the line – the 2nd pretending to be on a phone extension at the home, agreeing to change long-distance service. [hijack warning off] ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/3 "2003-02-25T12:36:09Z")
We don’t _have_ a long-distance here, so if anything of the sort comes up from any company other than the one we use, it’ll be glaringly obvious. And I have been trained in the art of saying no to telemarketers:) Been practicing since I was 5 or so. “Hey Mama, do you have a credit card from Montgomery Mortgage and Loan Bank of Tuscaloosa, Alabama? No? I’m sorry, ma’am, she doesn’t have one. Mama do you want one? No, she doesn’t, she has enough credit cards thank you:)” They just could never really get upset at a kid. And when they asked to speak to one of my parents … I asked the parent if s/he wanted to talk to the person. If they said no, I told the telemarketer. Good fun:) ---
**Author:** ![brainfizz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/da6949/32.png) [@brainfizz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainfizz)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/4 "2003-02-25T12:44:26Z")
Next time you get a telemarketing call… just use [this script!](http://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscript.html) ---
**Author:** ![Knighted\_Vorpal\_Sword](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ac91a4/32.png) [@Knighted\_Vorpal\_Sword](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knighted_Vorpal_Sword)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/5 "2003-02-25T14:03:24Z")
My mother once got rid of a telemarketer with the following conversation (warning, it’s not PC!): Telemarketer: “Good morning, Mrs. xxxx, how are you today?” Mom: “Not so well, I just found out I have AIDS.” Telemarketer hesitates a moment, and hangs up. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/6 "2003-02-25T14:35:38Z")
[Personal Crusade Helmet on] Please people, it’s very simple - “No thank you.” \ Done. Do not let them occupy any of your time or mindspace. [/Personal Crusade Helmet off] ---
**Author:** ![lachesis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@lachesis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lachesis)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/7 "2003-02-25T14:44:49Z")
:: gives big honking smooch to **Icarus** :: my thoughts exactly! my time is too valuable to waste on people like that. and i don’t have to turn into a nasty person just because of them. “NO” is a valid answer…they’ll just have to learn to deal with it. carry on, crusader. lachesis ---
**Author:** ![Theobroma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@Theobroma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theobroma)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/8 "2003-02-25T16:07:41Z")
My husband uses a cheery, “Thanks for your effort! We’re not interested.” _click_ I use a pleasant “How did you get the number? We’re supposed to be unlisted…mmm, really? Would you mind taking us off your list? Thanks!” I also don’t give out my phone number very often. Of course, my coworkers have it, and my doctor and so on, but I don’t give it to the Toys-B-We cashier or on drawings for swell free prizes at the mall. I strongly suspect that the whole point of those drawings is to get phone numbers of shoppers for a call list. It’s never worth the prize. I don’t get many telemarketing calls anymore! ---
**Author:** ![Second\_Guest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@Second\_Guest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Second_Guest)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/9 "2003-02-25T16:25:49Z")
For the past 7+ years, my phone number has been listed in the book under the names of two of my dogs. The dogs have since passed on, so now when telemarketers call and want to sell something to “Sophie” or to “Mrs. G.”, I can honestly tell them that she’s deceased. End of sales pitch, and sometimes even an awkward apology for the call. ---
**Author:** ![Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/258eb7/32.png) [@Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wonko_The_Sane)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/10 "2003-02-25T18:23:28Z")
My phone is listed under my cat’s name as well. He gets a lot of junk mail from it. I always tell those long-distance bastards that I don’t have a phone, and when they ask me how I’m talking to them, I say that they are the voices in my head. It gets interesting from there. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/11 "2003-02-25T18:51:43Z")
AT&T Telemarketer I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang. ME: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T … ME: Is this AT&T.? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T … ME: This is AT&T.? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T … ME: Is this AT&T.? AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Wright, please.? ME: May I ask who is calling.? AT&T: This is AT&T. ME: Ok, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. ME: Hello.? AT&T: Is this Mr. Wright.? ME: May I ask who is calling, please.? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T … ME: This is AT&T.? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T … ME: The phone company.? AT&T: Yes, sir. ME: I thought you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. ME: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Wright. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. ME: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day! ME: 7 days a week.? AT&T: That’s right. ME: 365 days a year.? AT&T: Yes, sir. ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing! AT&T: We think so! ME: That’s quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up. ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance.? AT&T: Excuse me.? ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about.? ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for … ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.? AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary. ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Wright. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner. SUPERVISOR: Mr. Wright.? ME: Yeth.? SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. ME: Is This A T &T.? SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is. ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. ME: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T: Hello, Mr. Wright, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.? ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that “Friends and Family” thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother… AT&T: click… ``` Obviously not an actual call, but it was odd that I came across this thread right after I got this... ``` ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/12 "2003-02-25T18:54:15Z")
This reminds me of a phone call I got a few months back. To set the stage, bear in mind that I’m sitting at my computer in my underwear, stuffing barbeque potato chips into my mouth, guzzling RC Cola and surfing the web for porno. It is 5 in the afternoon and I am in a state of mind which can only be described as Zen-Bundy. Phone rings. Telemarketer: Congratulations! You’ve just won a 2 year free membership to Superfits! Would you– Me (leering at naked 18 year old girl): BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! _click_ I like to think of it as my finest moment. Yes, I am a sad, sad man. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/13 "2003-02-25T19:35:28Z")
My brother-in-law once got a call offering carpet cleaning. Him: “We don’t have any.” Them: “You don’t have any carpets?” Him: “No, we don’t have any floors.” Them: Silence…silence…click. ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/14 "2003-02-25T21:04:05Z")
Shortly before I graduated high school, I got called by a US Army recruiter, trying to get me to sign up. I gave him a curt “no, I’m not interested \.” About a minute later, the phone rings again. It’s a different Army recruiter. He tells me I was very rude, and _hurt his buddy’s feelings_. He doesn’t appreciate my behavior since he and his buddy are out there, putting their asses on the line for our country. (By making phone solicitations, I think to myself?) So I apologized and said I just wasn’t interested in the Army, and didn’t want to waste their time, or mine. ---
**Author:** ![Copper\_moon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecc23a/32.png) [@Copper\_moon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Copper_moon)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/15 "2003-02-25T21:23:13Z")
HeeeeHeeeeeeHeeeee! I love the AT&T one!! My husband once told a vinyl siding salesman that we live in a tent. The salesman kept arguing with him about us having a phone in a tent. Telemarketers really tick me off. My mom was one for awhile as a third job when we were really hard up so I’m a little sympathetic but my biggest pet peeve in the entire universe is someone not taking no for an answer. I think that is the epitome of rudeness. And I treat it as such. I’ve had a telemarketer pause a moment after I said, “NO!” and then politely ask to speak to my husband. AAIIIIGGGHHHHH!!! It’s a good thing I can’t reach through the phone and strangle him. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/16 "2003-02-25T21:25:41Z")
Do you remember the episode of ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/17 "2003-02-25T21:30:14Z")
:smack: continuing on… _Seinfeld_ where Jerry gets a pone solicitation and the conversation plays out thusly: “I’m in a bit of a hurry. Suppose you give me your phone number, and I will call you back this weekend?..Oh, you don’t like strange people calling you at home?..Neither do I…(click)” ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/18 "2003-02-25T21:30:40Z")
Seinfeld? ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/19 "2003-02-25T21:39:54Z")
My new shtick: “Hello, do you mind if I take a moment of your time for a short survey”. Not at all, but first I’d like to tell you the good news about Jesus Christ! {click}. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378/20 "2003-02-25T22:04:32Z")
I actually have a true story along this vein. It was about 9 p.m., and a pleasant sounding young woman called to offer me a better long-distance. She worked for my regular phone company, so at least I knew how she got my (unlisted) number. I was incredibly tired, and barely coherent, and she assumed I was drunk. She began talking Very Slowly and loud. We must’ve talked for a good 20 minutes, only the first 5 of which were about long distance service. I rambled about my arthritis, my thinning hair, the state of the U.S. economy, you name it. My favorite part? When I pretended to be insulted by her reference to the “Washington Redskins,” because I was part Native American. (not really). She actually apologized, and five minutes later, after i called her a racist, hung up on ME! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-and-true-telemarketer-stories/157378.md?page=2)