Funny Childhood Stories (With a pinch of mild TMI)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

When I was a little child I used to always want to emulate my parents. Whatever they did I wanted to do to. I wont even get into the problems they had with me running around topless outside (my dad did, so why couldnt I?).

My dad was outside mowing the lawn one day when I was about three or so, just tall enough to reach what was on the outside table. He had been drinking beer that day, since he always had a bottle or two in order to make it through the extensive lawnwork.
Well, he happened to look back at me just in time to catch me as I had gotten a hold of his beer and began guzzling it down. I apparently drank a mouthful then dropped the and told him how disgusting it was, and how could he drink it?

From then on he left his bottles in the middle of the table, or finished them off before he went back out.

22

When I was a kid, my older sister dared me to pee on the floor. I knew it was wrong, but she kept insisting, so I said I would do it if she did it first. My mom walked in as she was mid stream. She still blames me for that spanking.

23

As to the OP, since I’m a mom, it really doesn’t seem odd or embarrassing or over the top. I’ve taken my kid’s rectal temperature a bunch of times, and then there was the evil puking sickness we both got that required anti-nausea medication in suppository form (since we couldn’t even keep water down).

I was a hilarious kid.

As a toddler, I once came up to my mom and started saying over and over, “Ticket up my nose!” After trying to figure out what I was trying to say, they just decided to investigate. I’d taken the mailing label off the TV Guide, rolled it up, and shoved it in my nostril.

I didn’t like my new shoes, so I threw them in the kitchen garbage.

Christmas, with the whole famn damily there watching my cousins and me open gifts. I didn’t quite get gift-receiving etiquette, and upon receiving a pack of Pixie Sticks, I smiled brightly and said, “Ooooh . . . I hate these!”

Probably around 3 years old, at the car dealership with Mom & Dad. The salesman was incredibly ugly. As he sat at his desk talking to them, I kept peeking at him, then hiding my head and covering my eyes. My parents asked what I was doing, and I said loudly, “Make that man stop making funny faces at me!”

I must have been about 9 or 10, and my mom had a Tupperware party or something with lots of people I didn’t know and their kids, and one lady said to me, “And who do you belong to?” I crossly said, “I don’t *belong * to anyone!”

24

The first story is something my father did when he was a kid.

My Dad he goes up to his Minister and asks when he would be a man. The
Minister said that this is a difficult question to answer, why did he want to know.

To which my dad said “When I’m a man like my Dad I won’t have to go to Church anymore”
I always used to think that women’s Sanitary Pads were because grown ups didn’t have time to go to the bathroom. Well in the commercials the same blue liquid was used as in the diaper commercials, and I knew what diapers were for.

25

I remember seeing a man with long hair in the mall. I went to bed crying my eyes out.

When my mother asked me what was wrong, I told her, “I don’t want to turn into a boy!” and explained what I had seen.

IIRC, she got a lot of mileage out of that story with the neighbors.

26

When I was about five, I had a small plastic clock than had movable hands and the numbers had to be put into the right places.
One day, using 5 yr old logic. I decided to make the clock work. I wrapped a wire around the back of the clock and stripped the two ends with my teeth and plugged them in.

Bzzzt!!! A little smoke and very startle 5 year old. I thought my parent would kill me and never told anyone about it.

27

Did you hear that the Sears Tower has 110 floors? They would have made it 111, but that’s another story.

28

This reminds me of something my brother did when he was about three. Back then, I was six and that’s when I started to get into arts and crafts. Well, I bought this kit that taught you how to make cute bracelets and it came with string and beads. Unfortunately, a bead rolled under the couch and I didn’t know about it. My brother retrieved it and asked my mom what it was. She was busy and wanted my brother out of the way, so she just said she didn’t know without even looking at it. Then, my brother stuck it up his nose and it promptly got stuck there. He started bawling and picking his nose vigorously. Cue to both me and my mother looking like this: :eek: :eek: So, my mother tried to get him to blow his nose, but he was too scared to understand. So, he was taken to the hospital and I don’t exactly know what happened because I stayed with my father at work. They did get the bead out and threw it out. My brother told me that he doesn’t remember exactly what happened at the hospital, but he does remember a doctor and a nurse sticking something up his nose and a loud noise that sounded like a vacuum cleaner.

29

When I was about three, my aunt (my dad’s sister) was pregnant with twins, at the same time that HER sister in law was pregnant. So her in-laws threw a joint baby shower/picnic for both of them, with both families invited.

Now, I don’t remember much about this, but I had just gotten out of the car, and I must have moved, but when my dad went to shut the car door, I was in the way, he didn’t see me, and it slammed me in the cheek. All I remember is sitting in the kitchen with ice on my cheek bawling my head off.

Well, apparently a day or so later, my dad went grocery shopping and took me with him. Now, keep in mind, I still have this huge ass bruise on my face. A woman came up to us and smiled and me and said, “Oh, sweetie, whatever happened to your face?” According to my dad, I gave her a huge shit-eating grin and said cheerfully, “Oh, my daddy hit me!” Dad says she gave him a look that made him want to sink into the floor.

Most of you are aware that Dad’s a funeral director. Until I was about four, we lived in an apartment above the funeral home where he worked, and on days when there wasn’t a funeral, my mother would help the cleaning lady downstairs, and she’d have me with her. I was about maybe two or three, but she said I used to sit on the kneelers in front of the caskets and talk to the bodies. They (my parents and the funeral home staff) thought it was adorable.

When my cousin Maria was two or three, my uncle had forgotten to put his razor back in the medicine cabinet. Well, wanting to be like Daddy, Maria grabbed it and tried to shave her face. My aunt, in the next room making the bed, was horrified when her daughter walked in, blood streaming down my cousin’s face, who cheerfully informed her that she had “shaved just like Daddy!”

When Maria’s brother Marc was little, he used to stay at our place a few times a week while my aunt was working. Marc and I are about two years apart. Well, one day we had gone to the store, and Marc and I were sitting in the backseat of the car, just saying every swear word we knew. Upon arriving at home, my dad marched us into the bathroom and proceeded to wash our mouths out with soap.

30

When I was four, I requested that my parents refer to me as “James Brunswick, Junior”. My real name is not James, our family name isn’t Brunswick, and I am not a junior nor were there any juniors in our family. At the time, I was going through a phase when I thought New Brunswick would be an interesting place to visit.

And my three-year-old son is extremely interested in vacuum cleaners. Whenever we go to Home Depot, we have to stop by the vacuum cleaner section and he asks me detailed questions about all the floor models. He enjoys watching the shopping channel whenever they’re selling a vacuum cleaner. He received a toy vacuum cleaner for Christmas last year.

How about that?

31

When I was in junior high school, my mom bought me this pretty nifty t-shirt. It was blue, with a nice iron on patch. The patch had a train coming out of a tunnel, a rainbow in the sky, and a short saying printed on it. I wore it to school that day and several kids would point and laugh at it when I went by. I was pretty oblivious to most of it, until someone pulled me aside and explained what the saying meant. The saying? “Smoke Columbian”.

I asked my mom about this when I got home. Her response was "I thought it said ‘Smoke Bubble-Yum’ ". This still makes me chuckle.

32

Okay, all these stories are hysterical, but for some reason this made me laugh till I cried.

33

I think it sucks, of course :smiley:

Dweezil, who is nearly 11, took great interest in our decision to purchase a new vacuum cleaner a few months back. He actually drew up a comparison chart showing the benefits and disadvantages for canister vs. upright styles. When we finally got the new one, we used it as leverage to encourage him to finish his homework (“you can’t use the vacuum cleaner until your homework is done!”. :slight_smile: )

Moon Unit peed in her trash can this past winter. She is 7 and presumably knew better. At least she told us about it nearly immediately. Though why she expected us to believe this had happened by accident escapes me :rolleyes:

My main atrocities as a child were:

  • Climbing up on the roof, at about age 4. One-story house, some workmen had left a ladder propped up, my 6-year-old brother had been up, and encouraged me to join him. Mom had no clue - until a neighbor called her to tell her what we were doing. I had a cardboard folder in my hands and evidently meant to use it as a sort of “wing” to help me fly :eek:
  • At age 5 or so, locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldn’t be disturbed while playing with something in the sink. Then I couldn’t unlock the door. My mother got the window open from outside, somehow, and I climbed out. This was winter, of course. My oldest brother had to climb in and unlock the door when he got home from school.
  • I too experimented with electrical outlets; mine involved a safety pin. Age 6. Spark, slight burn, and nothing more, but I was terrified of outlets for several years.

Papa Zappa once made it rain indoors. He convinced his younger sibs that it would be a good idea to plug up all the drains and turn on all the water in the upstairs bathroom, then leave things that way. His mother found out when the water started running down the stairs. She didn’t suspect he was involved however, until many years later when he confessed.

34

Ivylad did this with a friend of his after his mother made them both Superman capes. They climbed up on the roof of the church next door. Fortunately, his mom saw them and told them they better get down the same way they got up.

Sounds like a theme, except I got freaked out when someone yanked a plug out of the wall while the appliance was still on and there was a spark. I had a phobia for a while, and insisted that my mother hold my hand while I plugged in the vacuum cleaner. I guess I figured if I was going die from electrocution, I wasn’t going alone.

35

We attended a very quiet laid-back type of Baptist church growing up and I was fascinated by the fire-n-brimstone hollering holy-roller types we’d get visiting during the annual revival week. I so wanted to be involved, but could never quite figure out when one was supposed to shout. On the last day of revival week I decided to just go for it, stood up in the pew and shouted “Amen, bastard!” Of course it had to be one of those quiet moments so everyone in the place heard exactly what I said, my 8 year old self was so geeked!

Mom tried to play it off that I mispronounced ‘pastor’ and everyone went along with that, but on the way home I got a very long lecture explaining that Mom’s pet name for Dad wasn’t necessarily something I should repeat at church. :smiley:

36

Um, I actually did that once when I was um, about 12. However, I put a plastic bag in first and peed in that. The bathroom was downstairs and I was too afraid after watching a horror movie late at night to venture downstairs. I threw the trash bag out in the morning.

My best friend in high school told me about the time she was five and her sister was two-they found their parents’ box of condoms. Not knowing what they were, they took them into the bathroom, filled them up with water, and tried to drink out of them.

37

My parents had an old tv that was on its last legs. Among other problems, there was a gap between the cabinet and the tube. Of course, to a 2-year-old, anything you can throw things into is irresistable, so guess where I put my mom’s wedding ring?

The ring was retrieved, my grandparents bought us a new tv as a gift shortly thereafter, and a family story was born.

38

More experimenting with electrical outlets. Mine involved a bobby pin. I was all by myself in the room and there was quite a little lighting bolt when I inserted it. It really shocked the heck out of me, and no one saw me do it but I remember thinking, “Wow I really shouldn’t do THAT again.”

I was very little and once asked my mom “When will I turn into Winnie?” She didn’t understand, and I said, “You know, when I get to cross the street, brush my hair, go to school, you know, when I turn into Winnie?” It’s a family joke now.

For a short while around age 4 or so I called blacks “chocolate people”. Even pre-political correctness my parents were horrified when I pointed to a picture of “Jimmy J.J. Walker” on a magazine or something in a store and loudly stated “He’s from the show with the chocolate people in it.” And yes, white people were “vanilla people”.

I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and was telling my parents about my day while we were eating dinner. My dad asked if we played any fun games at recess and I said “Yeah we played girls chase the boys. Girls had the cooties and boys had herpes.” They were understandably surprised and asked me, “Do you know what herpes are?” “Yeah, they’re some kind of bug like cooties.”

My dad ordered whole lobster at a restaurant once when I was VERY young. The waiter arrived with this giant red creature on a plate which I became terrified of. I shrieked “Daddy don’t eat the MOBSTER” and swept it off the table with my hand onto the restaurant floor.

Another restaurant. Someone at the table got a bowl of stewed tomatoes which I hated at the time. I reached over and grabbed a handful and threw them behind my back. They promptly landed on the mink coat of a woman sitting behind me.

Another restaurant. Mom ordered a burrito. I looked at it and I stated “I’m scared of that.”

No wonder my parents didn’t have any more kids.

39

One of my mother’s favorite kid stories. BTW I remember doing this…

One time, when I was 3 or 4, we were visiting my grandparents. I walked in to the bathroom while my grandmother was brushing her dentures, and I was absolutely flabbergasted to see her reach in to her mouth and pull out her teeth. I reached up to try it myself, couldn’t, and said, “But Gramma, God glued mine in!”

40

That is hilarious. It reminds me of something my daughter would do.

When I was about five, my parents were having this party with all of their friends. My dad was sitting out on the porch drinking red wine from this huge glass and he went in to answer the phone. He came back out and the glass was empty, I had drank the whole thing! I guess everyone got a good laugh out of the drunk five-year-old. haha. Man, it’s a wonder any of us survived our childhoods.