# Funny dopers - Help me write the 'Lazy Army Husband's Form Letter (Home)' **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 31, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575 "2004-03-31T18:12:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/1 "2004-03-31T18:12:24Z")
I’m creating a form letter. So far, this is what I have: Dear \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, Hello. How are you? How is/are the \_\_ kid(s)? \_\_ cat(s)? \_\_ dog(s)? \_\_ fish? \_\_ armadillo(s)? \_\_ other(s)? I miss you and the \_\_ kid(s) \_\_ cat(s) \_\_ dog(s) \_\_ fish \_\_ armadillo(s) \_\_ other(s). We worked hard today. We did/did not have PT, and I am/am not sore. We also had \_\_ CTT training \_\_ classes \_\_ other. The weather here is \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. I am \_\_ hot \_\_cold \_\_ comfortable. I have not caught Osama yet. This is only because: \_\_ I have not yet left the United States \_\_ he’s an elusive bastard \_\_ I forgot my poncho \_\_I don’t have any handcuffs \_\_ my SSG won’t let me \_\_ I’ve been too busy playing X-box \_\_ I haven’t figured out what all the buttons on my new GPS receiver do yet Take care of yourself and the \_\_ kid(s) \_\_ cat(s) \_\_ dog(s) \_\_ fish \_\_ armadillo(s) \_\_ other(s). Your loving husband, * * * (sign here) P.S. \_\_ Happy Anniversary \_\_ Happy Birthday \_\_ Happy Holidays \_\_ Happy Groundhog Day * * * You can see where I’m going with this. I’m looking for at least one more joke similar to the Osama one - if I can get more than that, I’d delete one of the kids/cats/dogs references to make space. Any other ideas are also welcome. So dopers - show me the funny! ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/2 "2004-03-31T18:22:29Z")
I’d change “I miss you and …” Instead of repeating kids, pets, etc., change to" I miss you and \_\_cable TV, \_\_my remote control, \_\_McDonald’s fries, \_\_Sundays watching sports on TV, \_\_professional wrestling, \_\_getting my back waxed, …" etc. I’m sure someone can improve on that. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/3 "2004-03-31T18:24:48Z")
The weapons of mass destruction are: a) still missing b) currently being destroyed by our military c) currently being resold to “friendly” nations by our military d) in my pants ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/4 "2004-03-31T18:27:44Z")
Try this line: I just spent four hours cleaning the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ out of my \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/5 "2004-03-31T18:28:20Z")
You guys rock my world! Those are both fantastic! Who else wants to play? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/6 "2004-03-31T18:32:49Z")
I miss you and … \_\_the Coors twins. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/7 "2004-03-31T19:02:46Z")
> [@Steelerphan](#): > > Try this line: > > I just spent four hours cleaning the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ out of my \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Excellent. I added that after the PT/training line. I also changed this one: I miss you and \_\_ my remote control \_\_ McDonald’s french fries \_\_ your broccoli/mushroom casserole \ \_\_ the Coors twins \_\_ getting my back waxed \_\_ professional wrestling I am so impressed with you guys. I forgot to mention that I plan to print it on a 3 part form - with the following distribution note: White-wife Yellow-husband Pink-Burn so the terrorists don’t get it And the form number is LAZ-HUS-001. Oh yeah - corporate humor. Two jokes in one! (He told me when I used the term ‘brainstorm’ the other day that you can tell I work for a bureaucracy - like no _real_ people use that word. :rolleyes: ) 🙂 I can’t wait to see more! ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/8 "2004-03-31T19:03:06Z")
…however we did manage to catch \_\_ one of Saddam’s many relations \_\_ one of Saddam’s friends \_\_ someone who had once heard of Saddam \_\_ an unusual rash. While doing without \_\_ home cooked meals \_\_ a real bed \_\_ nudie bars \_\_ pedicures is a hardship, I get through it by thinking of how much I love \_\_ you \_\_ the kids \_\_ tits \_\_ the guy who gives me my pedicure. If only you could be here with me, I’m sure you’d \_\_ see how hard I work for my country \_\_ see how foul-mouthed soldiers can be \_\_ regret it \_\_ criticize me for every little thing just like usual. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/9 "2004-03-31T19:57:55Z")
With minor modifications, I’ve used everyone’s stuff. I even added to the ‘manage to catch’ joke \_\_ a frisbee with my nose \. 😃 I’ve wiggled and jiggled my form and have room for at least two more jokes - I took out some of my more boring stuff. (I know, I know. I only asked for one or two jokes originally. These are so good, I changed my mind.) 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/10 "2004-03-31T20:13:00Z")
Gotta have one to trip him up too, like: I miss your beautiful eyes of: \_\_Brown \_\_Green \_\_Blue \_\_Red. Oh and… I was I was there to help with the: \_\_Car \_\_Lawn \_\_Groceries \_\_Kids \_\_(You Know) ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/11 "2004-03-31T20:20:42Z")
From the bottom of “An Irish Mother’s Letter To Her Son”… something along the lines of _P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I have already sealed the envelope._ ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/12 "2004-03-31T20:54:51Z")
I have squashed \_\_\_\_2 \_\_\_\_4 \_\_\_\_6 \_\_\_\_8 \_\_\_\_1000 \_\_\_\_rats \_\_\_\_ scorpions \_\_\_\_ roaches \_\_\_\_locusts \_\_\_\_\_rats \_\_\_\_\_socks I thought were \_\_\_\_rats \_\_\_\_ scorpions \_\_\_\_ roaches \_\_\_\_locusts \_\_\_\_\_rats. Send more \_\_\_\_ sunscreen \_\_\_\_ underwear \_\_\_\_ chocolate \_\_\_\_\_ pantyhose \_\_\_\_\_ toothpaste \_\_\_\_ condoms \_\_\_\_\_ home video. ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/13 "2004-03-31T21:07:21Z")
I miss the way you \_\_\_wash my dishes \_\_\_make my dinner \_\_\_ wash my clothes \_\_\_ give me hand jobs ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/14 "2004-03-31T21:16:47Z")
Try starting: Dear my darling \_\_wife, \_\_husband, \_\_lover, \_\_au pair, \_\_TV, \_\_Sergeant Major and ending: Love your \_\_husband, \_\_wife, \_\_bitch \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_(sign here) ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/15 "2004-03-31T21:59:01Z")
One of the grateful citizens: a) Ran straight at me while wearing plastic explosives b) Drove straight at me while wearing plastic explosives c) Called me “the bastard son of a farting camel” d) Set himself on fire to protest my being there e) Taped “Shoot me” sign to the back of my tank ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/16 "2004-04-01T23:50:04Z")
I’ve printed my form on 3 part paper and am sending the original one to **withaK**. Its so good, I can’t bear to share it with only him. So I’ve cleaned it up a little, retitled it to _Soldier’s Form Letter (Home)_. I’ve changed the signature line from ‘Your Loving Husband’ to Your Loving \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_’. That way it can be used for boyfriends, parents, etc. I’m going to take several copies to the Family Readiness Group meeting the weekend and I hope it will be a big hit. I’ll be saving any new and unused jokes for the second form I’ll be doing, so if you have any more, keep them coming! Of course, I will make it known that funnier minds than mine provided most of the jokes. You guys are wonderful! Thank you so much. (I really needed this entertainment. I miss him a lot.) The SDMB community has been a bright spot during this bleak period of my life. I am greatful. ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/17 "2004-04-02T00:55:06Z")
P.S. So, um, have the Olsen twins turned eighteen yet? ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/18 "2004-04-02T07:26:26Z")
Maybe somewhere toward the end of the letter you could have: The mail is rather slow here so next time please contact me by: \_\_\_\_ Phone \_\_\_ FAX \_\_\_\_ E-Mail \_\_\_\_ Candy-Gram™ \_\_\_\_\_ Signal Mirror \_\_\_\_ Pony Express \_\_\_\_ Smoke Signal \_\_\_\_\_ Vulcan Mind Meld ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/19 "2004-04-02T08:20:50Z")
I’m not funny myself, so I have nothing to add. I just wanted to say you guys are all pure comedy gold. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/20 "2004-04-02T08:32:16Z")
Always remember that we are fighting: \_\_ The forces of an evil despot. \_\_ Men in silly hats. \_\_ For freedom. \_\_ For oil. \_\_ A War on Terror. \_\_ A War on Drugs. \_\_ A War on Drug-using Terrorists. \_\_ To get the President re-elected. \_\_ To piss off the French. \_\_ Because it pays well. \_\_ Because you forged my enlistment papers. \_\_ Boredom. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575.md?page=2)