# Funny dopers - Help me write the 'Lazy Army Husband's Form Letter (Home)' **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 31, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575 "2004-03-31T18:12:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/21 "2004-04-02T11:57:02Z")
Nothing to add, really, but I would appreciate a copy of this letter so I can make my own three-part form. šŸ˜‰ Robin ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/22 "2004-04-02T12:00:06Z")
> [@wolf\_meister](#): > > Maybe somewhere toward the end of the letter you could have: > > The mail is rather slow here so next time please contact me by: > > \_\_\_\_ Phone \_\_\_ FAX \_\_\_\_ E-Mail \_\_\_\_ Candy-Gramā„¢ \_\_\_\_\_ Signal Mirror > > \_\_\_\_ Pony Express \_\_\_\_ Smoke Signal \_\_\_\_\_ Vulcan Mind Meld You forgot \_\_\_StripperGram ! ---
**Author:** ![bittersweet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c57346/32.png) [@bittersweet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bittersweet)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/23 "2004-04-02T14:57:30Z")
[QUOTE=Sengkelat ā€¦is a hardship, I get through it by thinking of how much I love \_\_ the guy who gives me my pedicure.[/QUOTE] This made me laugh, and for that I thank you. ---
**Author:** ![bittersweet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c57346/32.png) [@bittersweet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bittersweet)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/24 "2004-04-02T15:03:26Z")
Dā€™OH! My humble apologies for the horrible form in my last post. My excuses are: _X_ Iā€™m blonde _X_ My hands are cold, so typing is a bit challenging _X_ Iā€™ve only had one cup of coffee thus far _X_ Iā€™m still laughing about ā€œthe guy who gives me my pedicureā€ comment ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/25 "2004-04-02T15:15:55Z")
> [@Snooooopy](#): > > One of the grateful citizens: > a) Ran straight at me while wearing plastic explosives > b) Drove straight at me while wearing plastic explosives > c) Called me ā€œthe bastard son of a farting camelā€ > d) Set himself on fire to protest my being there > e) Taped ā€œShoot meā€ sign to the back of my tank Iā€™ve been meaning to add this for a while ā€¦ f) Mooned me. ---
**Author:** ![light\_strand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@light\_strand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/light_strand)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/26 "2004-04-02T15:18:15Z")
Today our unit has plans to: \_\_\_\_ Attack a terrorist stronghold \_\_\_\_ Storm the castle \_\_\_\_ Win Hearts and Minds \_\_\_\_ Blow the hell out of something \_\_\_\_ Stage a Performance of ā€œHMS Pinaforeā€ \_\_\_\_ Dig a latrine \_\_\_\_ I would tell you, but then Iā€™d have to kill you ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/27 "2004-04-02T15:35:32Z")
I have nothing to add, but this reminds me of a letter my husband sent me back when we were dating. We lived several hours apart, so weā€™d mail each other letters (this was pre-Internet). He once sent me a form letter with checked boxes similar to the one the OP was doing. The intent was to imply that he had his secretary fill in the form for his various girlfriends. Stuff like ā€œI miss your \_\_blue \_X\_brown \_\_green \_\_gray eyes.ā€ He even misspelled my last name wrong on the address line. I still have that letter in my drawer, and itā€™s one of my fondest memories from our dating days. DeadlyAccurate, who just celebrated her 10th year anniversary. ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/28 "2004-04-02T17:54:24Z")
ā€œEverything old is new again.ā€ Great War ā€œField Service Postcard,ā€ called the [ā€œWhizbangā€](http://faxmentis.org/html/postcard.html) by the troops. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2004, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/29 "2004-04-02T22:16:56Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > Nothing to add, really, but I would appreciate a copy of this letter so I can make my own three-part form. šŸ˜‰ Emailed. Does anyone else want a copy? Its in Excel. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/30 "2004-04-03T04:58:24Z")
Iā€™d love a copy of that, too, **sperfur** ā€“ please just put SDMB in the subject line so I donā€™t delete it accidentally! You guys really know how to bring the funny! ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/31 "2004-04-03T06:16:39Z")
I to would like a copy, but as the above poster said, put SDMB in subject so I wonā€™t delete it. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/32 "2004-04-03T06:59:32Z")
> [@Sengkelat](#): > > is a hardship, I get through it by thinking of how much I love > > \_\_ you > \_\_ the kids > \_\_ tits > \_\_ the guy who gives me my pedicure. \_\_Spam \_\_Killinā€™ things \_\_K-Rations \_\_Scorpions \_\_The glow of a burning, uncapped oil well fire \_\_Pulling down statues of Saddam \_\_Cheap Persian rugs \_\_Guns \_\_Night Vision equipment \ ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/33 "2004-04-03T07:02:47Z")
Sorry for the double post, but iā€™d also like to see the final results you can e-mail me at; MacTechG4@_buggeroffspammers_[mac.com](http://mac.com) (remove the section in asterisks, obviously) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/34 "2004-04-03T15:19:50Z")
As I sit here, I think about the first time [li]We met[/li][li]You let me get to third base[/li][li]My first blowjob by you[/li][li]You nagged me to take out the garbage[/li] I won at Fantasy Football ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/35 "2004-04-03T15:51:56Z")
I just received a \_ promotion \_ a medal \_ a social disease ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/36 "2004-04-03T16:45:01Z")
Iā€™ll take a copy. Same as the others, put SDMB in the subject box. ---
**Author:** ![fighting\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ac8455/32.png) [@fighting\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fighting_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/37 "2004-04-03T16:57:07Z")
Thanksā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/38 "2004-04-03T17:12:00Z")
While Iā€™m gone, on those lonely nights feel free to pleasure yourself with: \_\_\_Your Hand \_\_\_The special present I gave you \_\_\_Our neighbor Joe \_\_\_Our neighbor Mary \_\_\_The dog ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/39 "2004-04-03T17:36:39Z")
Iā€™d like a copy too, pweeze. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/40 "2004-04-03T22:09:36Z")
I miss you terribly because \_\_\_ I love you \_\_\_ The depths of your eyes haunt my dreams \_\_\_ You stick peacock feathers up my butt and spread Vicks Vap-o-rub on my testicles while describing imaginary sexual encounters with the cat \_\_\_ You fart less than my tentmate. How are the kids doing with \_\_\_ Their homework \_\_\_ Their probation hearings \_\_\_ Their attempts to escape from the cells in the basement \_\_\_ Finding out that we are actually brother and sister Please mail me \_\_\_ Some good old-fashioned home-baked cookies \_\_\_ Nude photos of yourself \_\_\_ Nude photos of your mother \_\_\_ The mailmanā€™s liver Regards, \_\_\_ Shodan \_\_\_ The voices in your head \_\_\_ Your imaginary playmate returned from childhood \_\_\_ The IRS [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575.md?page=3)