# Funny dopers - Help me write the 'Lazy Army Husband's Form Letter (Home)'

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [March 31, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575 "2004-03-31T18:12:24Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 5\
**Page:** 3

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![torie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@torie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/torie)\
**Post date:** [April 3, 2004, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/41 "2004-04-03T23:34:30Z")

</div>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
**wipes tears** \*  
“The Mailman’s liver!”  
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\
**Post date:** [April 4, 2004, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/42 "2004-04-04T02:30:13Z")

</div>

Classic. Truly classic.

But I feel this exercise requires a follow-up. How about a letter _from_ home?

Dear \< \> Sweetheart \< \> Honey \< \> Asshole \< \> Sperm Factory:

I’m writing this letter to tell you:  
\< \> I miss you  
\< \> I’m leaving you for the mailman (and, no, you can’t have his liver!)  
\< \> I’ve thrown out your Barcalounger  
\< \> I ran over your dog.

The kids are great, but the dog:  
\< \> is listless and sleeps all day and all night in your empty Barcalounger  
\< \> had 12 puppies  
\< \> has been put down due to rabies  
\< \> has taken to peeing in your shoes (he misses you so).  
\< \> is squashed beyond all recognition.

I got a letter from the IRS yesterday. They:  
\< \> are auditing us  
\< \> are giving us a big fat refund check  
\< \> are still wondering why we haven’t filed our taxes for the past two years. (I know you’ve been busy and all, but whaddya think \*I’ve \* been doing with time?)  
\< \> have determined our ‘married filing jointly’ status is bogus since the Federal government doesn’t recognize civil unions.

Thanks to the paychecks you’ve had deposited directly to our joint account:  
\< \> I got a boob job/penis enlargement (circle one)  
\< \> the kids have been enrolled in expensive private schools  
\< \> I bought you a big screen TV (and I’ve got my eyes on a leather Barcalounger with a built-in fridge and massage functions.)  
\< \> I’m headed to Bermuda with the mailman.

Your turn… 😃

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![htns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ba8739/32.png) [@htns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/htns)\
**Post date:** [April 4, 2004, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/43 "2004-04-04T18:10:59Z")

</div>

> [@nocturnal\_tick](#):
>
> Try starting:
> 
> Dear my darling \_\_wife, \_\_husband, \_\_lover, \_\_au pair, \_\_TV, \_\_Sergeant Major
> 
> and ending:
> 
> Love your \_\_husband, \_\_wife, \_\_bitch
> 
> \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_(sign here)

Nice, but too Army-specific. Try including blanks for Chief and Gunny as well.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\
**Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/44 "2004-04-05T03:46:14Z")

</div>

> [@Cinnamon Girl](#):
>
> Classic. Truly classic.
> 
> But I feel this exercise requires a follow-up. How about a letter _from_ home?

Just got home from a truly awful trip to Iowa.

While I was up there, I was asked to put this together, so that’s my next project. I’ll start a new thread and put a link in this one tomorrow.

I will also email the letter to the folks who requested it. Right now I’m going to bed. 🙂

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2004, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575/45 "2004-04-09T22:57:55Z")

</div>

Sorry, folks - been a long week.

I’ve emailed the letter to:

**MamaTiger  
RandMcNally  
MacTech  
flamingbananas  
fightingignorant  
Gazelle**

and the person who emailed me directly. I plan to work on the other letter (and will place a link in this thread) this weekend.

[Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-dopers-help-me-write-the-lazy-army-husbands-form-letter-home/237575.md?page=2)