# Funny Fake Posts **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 8, 1999, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045 "1999-12-08T23:25:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 1999, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/1 "1999-12-08T23:25:00Z")
This thread is for completely non-serious posts. Post anything you’d never really say or expect an answer to. Any resemblence to any person living or dead is strictly coincidental. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 1999, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/2 "1999-12-08T23:27:00Z")
Topic: Were-Bitch Project Once a month, my wife turns from a dog into a bitch. Smacking her down doesn’t help anymore. Last night she would have castrated me with a razor blade if my fly hadn’t jammed. Any suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 1999, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/3 "1999-12-08T23:30:00Z")
I miss Loverock and Dragonfly99. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 1999, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/4 "1999-12-08T23:40:00Z")
I love duct tape. Duct tape is our friend. Duct tape mended the broken door on my mailbox. Duct tape keeps my cupboard full of cleaning supplies securely closed (so the kitties won’t go exploring). Duct tape makes cool noises when you unroll it. Duct tape is the only kitchen gadget you’ll ever need. Duct tape turns hamburger into a meal! Duct tape cuts, chops, slices, dices, and juliennes! Duct tape finds that slipper that’s been at large under the sofa for the last three weeks. Duct tape never leaves the seat up. Duct tape won’t eat the last of your jalepeno olives. Duct tape never discolors clothing, rugs, or furniture. Duct tape isn’t habit forming and has no nasty side effects. AAAHHHHHHHH!!! Duct tape! * * * **StoryTyler** _I am too in shape! :::muttering::: Round is a shape._ [C’mon up and see me sometime.](http://sites.netscape.net/storytyler/homepage) ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/5 "1999-12-09T00:24:00Z")
If you’re taking a piss, and you have an embolism and die right in the middle of it, does it just keep going? * * * “That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler ---
**Author:** ![PurpleCrackwhore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc348/32.png) [@PurpleCrackwhore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleCrackwhore)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/6 "1999-12-09T00:44:00Z")
Can I really go blind from reading these posts?? * * * “Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good things.” --Edgar Degas ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/7 "1999-12-09T00:51:00Z")
My girlfriend wants too use a strapp-on diildo on me! Oh, wait… * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/8 "1999-12-09T01:24:00Z")
Does anyone here want to talk about evolution and creationism? ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/9 "1999-12-09T01:31:00Z")
[http://www.leftbehind.com/cgi-bbs/Forum8/HTML/001287.html](http://www.leftbehind.com/cgi-bbs/Forum8/HTML/001287.html) ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/10 "1999-12-09T03:34:00Z")
If I play with myself while reading these posts, will I get hairy eyeballs? ---
**Author:** ![psycat90](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@psycat90](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psycat90)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/11 "1999-12-09T03:39:00Z")
Boy, do i wish i had less money, and you know, come to think of it, i could stand to gain 10 or 15 lbs… * * * so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts. what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts? Tori Amos ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/12 "1999-12-09T04:59:00Z")
Why do we drive on the parkwaayyyyaaaaagh… :::strangling noises in background::: ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/13 "1999-12-09T05:13:00Z")
I heard this riddle about two words that end in gry… ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/14 "1999-12-09T05:15:00Z")
I really want to learn how to felch. Can someon show me how? * * * - The best lack all conviction The worst are full of passionate intensity. \* ---
**Author:** ![Mahir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Mahir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahir)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/15 "1999-12-09T05:23:00Z")
Seeming much to be like any other thread, except faking the funny parts. ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/16 "1999-12-09T05:28:00Z")
Did you know squirrels are the devil’s oven mitts? _listens to crickets chirp_ – Sylence * * * I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one. ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/17 "1999-12-09T05:42:00Z")
If there was a horny Turk, who turned out not to actually be a horny Turk, i.e. a fake horny Turk, and then someone posted to a message board pretending to be a fake horny Turk, making them a fake fake horny Turk, does that make them a real horny Turk? Or perhaps, since the original fake horny Turk turned out to be a real Turk, but not a horny one, maybe the poster isn’t a Turk, but is horny. Lots of people on this board are horny, does that make them Turks? Rhinoceroses have horns, are they Turkish? If you remove a rhinoceros’s horns inside Turkey, does the rhino get deported? If you eat too much turkey at thanksgiving, does it make you horny? Or does it make you grow horns? Satan has horns, is Satan Turkish? If you stuck a horn up Satan’s ass, would he get his rocks off, and not be horny anymore? Would he lose his horns, and then get deported? Would anyone like to see a demonstration of this? You would? You’re sick, then. And horny, probably. Stay out of Turkey and you should be fine. Don’t eat too much turkey, and you should be fine. If you eat too much turkey, should you get fined? Who would fine you? Could you fight it in court? Would the court be in Turkey? Would the judge be horny? Would you need a lawyer? Could Satan recommend a good Devil’s Advocate? You know where you can go to get one. You also know what you can do with it. Stick it up your ass, or Satan’s ass with a horn, a strap on, and this thread. That does it. No more posting after dinner for me. * * * “That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler ---
**Author:** ![keystream](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a3d4f5/32.png) [@keystream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keystream)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/18 "1999-12-09T05:42:00Z")
My cat’s breath smells like cat food. ---
**Author:** ![moriah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/19 "1999-12-09T05:58:00Z")
Should I lance the boil on my ass? I’d appreciate detailed medical advice. ---
**Author:** ![Imthecowgodmoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Imthecowgodmoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imthecowgodmoo)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/20 "1999-12-09T06:17:00Z")
Just thought I’d share a poem I wrote … just kinda fits my attitude right now (its about Wherewolves!!!) Full Moon By: Cow God Cunning and sly it creeps in the dark, With fangs of terror and menacing bark. Stealthiness, agility, and anarchy reign in his kingdom of destruction and pain. A shimmering creature lurks nearby. Foot steps draw nearer- My breath becomes deeper! In these shadows I wait to die. I hear a faint cry of fright, Maybe someone else is dying tonight! This pool of blood I see, could it be coming from me? Death is here, I have been bitten- Jugular slashed and heart eaten! * * * “People must think it must be fun to be a super genuis, But they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” – Calvin and Hobbes (\_\_) _/_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045.md?page=2)