# Funny Fake Posts **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 8, 1999, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045 "1999-12-08T23:25:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/21 "1999-12-09T06:40:00Z")
“Did someone say McDonald’s?” “No,” Byzantine says, reloading, “I said hand me my ammo.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/22 "1999-12-09T10:13:00Z")
I’ve been having this problem. Heather Graham and Winona Ryder keep calling me up and hanging around my house. I’ve tried telling them I’d be interested in being their friend but they insist on wanting a physical relationship with me. They’re both nice women but I’m already in a committed relationship with Salma Hayek. All three have said they’d be willing to share me but naturally I’m not interested in that. I’m sure plenty of other posters here have been in similar situations so I’d appreciate any advice. ---
**Author:** ![funneefarmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@funneefarmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/funneefarmer)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/23 "1999-12-09T12:43:00Z")
Advice ? Wash, rinse, repeat. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/24 "1999-12-09T12:48:00Z")
DAMN !!! I just _knew_ Selma was cheating on me… ## Ah well… there’s always Terri Hatcher to play with. Or is anyone seeing her on the side too ? Coldfire * * * “You know how complex women are” - Neil Peart, Rush (1993) ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/25 "1999-12-09T13:28:00Z")
Why is it that the bear is the only animal ever shown getting into honey? I refuse to believe that the other woodland creatures are just _so_ stupid that they have _no_ idea how good honey tastes! Why don’t we ever see foxes with sticky honey noses? Why don’t we ever see racoons getting into a bee hive? Why don’t we ever see **a single fucking squirrel mixing its honey and winter nuts and making itself a tasty little treat?** What kind of lobby do those freakin’ bears _have_? * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/26 "1999-12-09T13:50:00Z")
Mmmm, flapjacks * * * …but when you get blue, and you’ve lost all your dreams, there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans! ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/27 "1999-12-09T14:39:00Z")
## I never thought something like this could happen to a guy like me. I was walking home from my job as a fighter pilot one day, when I passed the local convention center. They were hosting a get-together of stewardesses, nurses, and french maids. All of a sudden, I noticed smoke billowing out of the windows. neing the decent person I am, I ran in to try and help them out. Unfortunately, they were all in the midst of their Jagermeister, naked aquatic aerobic exercises. To be continued. Well, shut my mouth. It’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. ---
**Author:** ![PurpleCrackwhore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc348/32.png) [@PurpleCrackwhore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleCrackwhore)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/28 "1999-12-09T14:50:00Z")
Would you like fries with that? * * * “Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good things.” --Edgar Degas ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/29 "1999-12-09T15:03:00Z")
Why do they call this the Straight Dope, how can you be straight and on dope at the same time?.. oh well, nevermind. * * * You want brilliance BEFORE I’ve had my coffee!!! ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/30 "1999-12-09T15:22:00Z")
Cheese. * * * Nothing like a bad decision Says who you are. -Gin Blossoms, _“Perfectly Still”_ ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/31 "1999-12-09T15:31:00Z")
**Humor** \*(n)\* - any fluid or juice of an animal or plant; especially, any of the four fluids [b}(cardinal humors)\*\* formerly considered responsible for one’s health and disposition; _blood, phlegm, choler or melancholy._ Now that’s humorous. * * * “Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I’m worried about the difference between wrong and fun.” ~P.J. O’Rourke~ ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/32 "1999-12-09T15:35:00Z")
I think now would be a really good time to discuss God. By the way, If I post my homework here, will any of you do it for me? Enright3 ---
**Author:** ![WIGGUM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ce7236/32.png) [@WIGGUM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WIGGUM)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/33 "1999-12-09T16:57:00Z")
This thread is for completely non-serious posts. Post anything you’d never really say or expect an answer to. Any resemblence to any person living or dead is strictly coincidental. Or has this post already been covered? ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/34 "1999-12-09T16:58:00Z")
**Global Cafe** waitress: “Hungary?” 1st guy: “Yes, Siam.” waitress: “All right, I’ll Fiji.” 2nd guy: “Bring coffee, I Haiti. And put a Cuba sugar in my Java.” w: “Sweden it yourself.” 1: “Uganda take my order?” w: “Kenya wait a minute…” 2: “Iran out of sugar and the coffee’s cold-- did Iceland in it?” 1: “How’s the Turkey? Lotta Greece?” w: “Cambodia chill out a sec? Ya Russia round too much.” 2: “I can’t Bolivia a waitress…” w: “Canada bitchin!” 2: “Iraq on I’m Ghana get up Angola nguish elsewhere.” w: “Romania seat. I don’t want ya Togo.” 1: “What’s gotten India? Tawain on last night?” w: “My boss: Egypt me…Spain in the neck.” 1: “Korea problem is pain in your _feet_: You oughtn’t walk Norway tables in those. Wear Jordans. Now, Jamaica Panama favorite Chile?” w: “U.S. for it, you got it.” 2: “Got any Syria? Bulgaria wheat, France stance?” w: “In a China bowl.” 1: “Denmark it on my Czech.” ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/35 "1999-12-09T17:51:00Z")
mY gIrLfRiEnD iS rIlY sMaRt BuTt I aM dUm As A pOsT sHe DuMpEd Me CuZ i WaS uSiNg HeRiOn So I sEd FuG yOu AnD aLl YoRe SmArT fRiEnDs In ThE NHL oR AFL-CIA!!! ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/36 "1999-12-09T17:54:00Z")
So, who else wants to run themselves up Satan’s ass? * * * “Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I’m worried about the difference between wrong and fun.” ~P.J. O’Rourke~ ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/37 "1999-12-10T06:00:00Z")
I let my cats eat some string, so I gave them some Tylenol, and when that didn’t work I gave them some white stuff I had in my medicine cabinet. I don’t know what it was. Now my cats are laying on their sides and they won’t stop throwing up. They are runing my carpet, so I think I am going to yell at them and hit them. Do you think I need to take them to the vet? PS. This is only funny when you realize who it is coming from. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/38 "1999-12-10T06:37:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Cheese. _ **ARUGH!!!** _ Now _everyone’s_ gonna know!! :::sheesh::: * * * **StoryTyler** _I am too in shape! :::muttering::: Round is a shape._ [C’mon up and see me sometime.](http://sites.netscape.net/storytyler/homepage) ---
**Author:** ![Holly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/48db29/32.png) [@Holly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Holly)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/39 "1999-12-10T06:53:00Z")
New McDonald’s slogan: “Our coffee is hot enough to liquify your genitals!” ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 1999, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045/40 "1999-12-09T19:30:00Z")
If McDonald’s coffee were to liquify your genitals while you were in the middle of a forest and no one was around, would you be able to find a lawyer before the evidence evaporated? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-fake-posts/12045.md?page=3)