# Funny punch lines only please **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 3, 2000, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323 "2000-03-03T02:52:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/21 "2000-03-03T06:47:00Z")
“Dad, go home, you’re drunk.” And “But ye fook one goot…” –Tim * * * We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first “lost generation” nor today’s lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Masterson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/53a042/32.png) [@Michael\_Masterson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Masterson)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/22 "2000-03-03T06:49:00Z")
“I’m the BIG…BAD…BOOTY…DADDY.” ---
**Author:** ![crackwise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/22d042/32.png) [@crackwise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crackwise)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/23 "2000-03-03T07:09:00Z")
(in Irish accent) It’s like I been tellin’ ya, you fucked a penguin. p.s. to Qwisp - that’s the joke my Dad tells the best * * * I am large, I contradict myself, I contain multitudes. ~Walt Whitman ---
**Author:** ![kawliga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ea666f/32.png) [@kawliga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kawliga)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/24 "2000-03-03T07:14:00Z")
“That’s ok, son. Most guys leave her hanging from the tree.” and “All right. Who farted?” and “…and I sold my thermos to a Polish woman.” ---
**Author:** ![kawliga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ea666f/32.png) [@kawliga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kawliga)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/25 "2000-03-03T07:28:00Z")
A few more: “Well, the one in the middle kinda looks like Willie Nelson.” and “A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take out the meat.” and “Lady, I don’t think I can take 67 more of those.” ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/26 "2000-03-03T07:37:00Z")
“well, most of the men ride it to town for whores” and " Oh God! Mine does!" * * * Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![GOD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/34f0e0/32.png) [@GOD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GOD)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/27 "2000-03-03T07:38:00Z")
1. Only one, but the lightbulb has to _want_ to change. 2. Two. One to screw it in and one to _not_ screw it in. 3. Three. One to screw it in and two others to share the experience. 4. Never mind, just let your mother sit in the dark. 5. Two. But how’d they get in there? 6. A fish. (sometimes told as “purple” or “a tree”) 7. Three. One to dispose of the old bulb in an environmentally sound manner, one to make sure the new bulb is union-made/union-installed, one to blame it all on the conservatives. 8. Three. One to call the help, one to mix the drinks, one to blame it all on the liberals. 9. That’s not funny. 10. What the hell does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/28 "2000-03-03T08:46:00Z")
I thought you said you wanted a 12 inch pianist. ---
**Author:** ![upstatic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ce73a5/32.png) [@upstatic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/upstatic)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/29 "2000-03-03T10:31:00Z")
So Mary Todd said, “Whew, atleast it wasn’t my head.” * * * R.J.D. ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/30 "2000-03-03T13:59:00Z")
If I could walk THAT way I wouldn’t NEED the aftershave! * * * Voted Biggest Smartass by all you beautiful people! * * * You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/31 "2000-03-03T14:02:00Z")
You stupid horse, I said “Posse”! * * * “Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!” -Dr. Nick Riviera ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/32 "2000-03-03T14:31:00Z")
“Supplies!” and I was playing with the rubber dolly and it spit at me, so I bit his ugly head off. ---
**Author:** ![Diver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@Diver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diver)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/33 "2000-03-03T15:35:00Z")
I was talking to the duck! ---
**Author:** ![WIU\_Wozman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/bbe5ce/32.png) [@WIU\_Wozman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WIU_Wozman)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/34 "2000-03-03T15:47:00Z")
The other one ducked * * * Stupid people surround themselves with smart people. Smart people surround themselves with smart people who disagree with them. - Isaac Jaffee ---
**Author:** ![Linney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/58956e/32.png) [@Linney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linney)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/35 "2000-03-03T15:48:00Z")
They both have two legs, except for the bird. There are more geese on that side. Because I’m a horse! To get to the other side. * * * “If we submit everything to reason, our religion will have no mysterious or supernatural element. If we offend the principles of reason, our religion will be absurd and ridiculous.” Blaise Pascal ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/36 "2000-03-03T16:16:00Z")
Commander…in Chief. * * * Chaim Mattis Keller [ckeller@kozmo.com](mailto:ckeller@kozmo.com) “Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible. The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.” – Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/37 "2000-03-03T16:18:00Z")
No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer. * * * [Change Your Password, Please](http://204.95.48.199/cgi-bin/ubbcgi/ubbmisc.cgi?action=getannounce&ForumNumber=3&Start=2451545.99&End=2451911&Session=2451598.1854) and don’t use HTML, as it has been disabled ---
**Author:** ![WIGGUM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ce7236/32.png) [@WIGGUM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WIGGUM)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/38 "2000-03-03T16:34:00Z")
“Catch that fart and paint it green.” ---
**Author:** ![Prairie\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b77776/32.png) [@Prairie\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prairie_Rose)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/39 "2000-03-03T16:35:00Z")
Oh dear! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco. (groan) joke posted on request… Prairie Rose * * * If you’re not part of the solution you’re just scumming up the bottom of the beaker. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2000, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-punch-lines-only-please/14323/40 "2000-03-03T16:40:00Z")
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