# Funny things our parents told us **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 26, 2012, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906 "2012-10-26T05:34:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/1 "2012-10-26T05:34:36Z")
This is the flip side of a thread I posted years ago. Maybe you remember things like these. _I’m going to town to smoke my pipe And I won’t be back 'til broad daylight. So don’t let the old witch in Or I’ll beat you black and blue With my old rubber shoe!_ or _Poor little fly upon the wall He ain’t got no comb at all. But he don’t care. He ain’t got no hair. Poor little fly ain’t got no mama. Poor little fly ain’t got no papa. Poor little fly ain’t got no home. Squash. Now him gone too._ Remember anything like that? ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/2 "2012-10-26T05:45:13Z")
Not quite like that, but the old’s version of ‘mind your own bloody business’, when asked ‘Where are you going??’ was always **Going to See a Man About a Dog.** Or the other favourite retort to, ‘What’s **THAT**??, was ‘It’s a Wigwam for a Gooses’ Bridle’. Not really funny, and as I got a wee bit older, fucking annoying really. Like, “I’m FIVE now mummy, and we still haven’t got a dog, what’s the deal???” Or have I missed the point of the thread entirely? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/3 "2012-10-26T06:08:01Z")
My dad had: _There’s a soldier in the grass with a bullet in his ass get it out, get it out like a good boy scout_ ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/4 "2012-10-26T06:16:21Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Not quite like that, but the old’s version of ‘mind your own bloody business’, when asked ‘Where are you going??’ was always **Going to See a Man About a Dog.** > > Or the other favourite retort to, ‘What’s **THAT**??, was ‘It’s a Wigwam for a Gooses’ Bridle’. > > Not really funny, and as I got a wee bit older, fucking annoying really. Like, “I’m FIVE now mummy, and we still haven’t got a dog, what’s the deal???” > > Or have I missed the point of the thread entirely? 😛 Maybe you have. 😛 See Prettydorky’s thread. ---
**Author:** ![phxjcc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phxjcc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phxjcc)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/5 "2012-10-26T07:09:50Z")
Queer as Dick’s hatband (not homosexual, just means it or the person is strange) Not smart enough to pour sand down a rat hole. (Stupid) Could eat watermelon through a picket fence. (Bad teeth) Brown as a berry. (Could never figure this one out–unless it is a gooseberry, what berries are brown?) College ruined a lot of good truck drivers. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/6 "2012-10-26T07:21:19Z")
The New York rhyme: De Spring iz sprung, de grass iz rizz. I wondah where dem boidies iz. De liddle boids iz on de wing. Ain’t dat absurd (absoid)? De liddle wings iz on de boid! ---
**Author:** ![Anaglyph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Anaglyph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaglyph)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/7 "2012-10-26T09:05:01Z")
> [@phxjcc](#): > > Brown as a berry. > (Could never figure this one out–unless it is a gooseberry, what berries are brown?) A dingleberry (in the slang meaning of "A small piece of feces clumped to hair around the anus ") ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/8 "2012-10-26T14:21:03Z")
"Listen my children and you shall hear Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere He jumped in his Chevy and stepped on the gas The bottom fell out and he fell on his … (wait for it) … grass. You known, the lawn. What did you think I was going to say?" ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/9 "2012-10-26T14:46:05Z")
My mom told me a bedtime story about a louse (!) that ate everything: 14 sandwiches, his best friend (!!), a horse, a cow, a dog, a barn, and then drank the ocean to wash it all down. The last drop of the ocean was too much and his tummy burst and everything came out all at once, backwards, alive. It’s still one of my favorite stories. 🙂 She also told me this poem when I was clamoring for too many stories at night: Once upon a time there was a prince and princess, Both of them died, end of the story. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/10 "2012-10-26T15:48:17Z")
“You’re a poet and don’t know it, but your feet show it. They’re Longfellows.” “I eat my peas with honey. I’ve done it all my life. It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps them on my knife.” (This one’s by Ogden Nash.) My father used to say them. ---
**Author:** ![inedible\_knapsack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/49beb7/32.png) [@inedible\_knapsack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inedible_knapsack)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/11 "2012-10-26T16:04:00Z")
> [@phxjcc](#): > > Could eat watermelon through a picket fence. > (Bad teeth) 😛 Awesome. This gave me a good laugh. I always enjoyed it when Mom said “Oh well, might as well, I can’t dance and it’s too wet to plow.” ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/12 "2012-10-26T16:10:08Z")
My grandpa from the South used to point his finger and say, “Look at that piece of meat hanging off that nail!” Does anybody get it? He also used to say, “It’s ten o’clock! Time for all decent people to be in the bed and the rogues to have their sacks a’travelin’!” ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/13 "2012-10-26T16:19:37Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > My grandpa from the South used to point his finger and say, “Look at that piece of meat hanging off that nail!” _My_ grandpa used to say, “Don’t point that thing at me—it’s got a nail in it!” Also (when we were leaving again at the end of a visit) “Come back again some time when you can’t stay so long!” Also: “How are you?” “Fine.” “That’s what the judge said—Fine: ten dollars!” Also (continuing the [Longfellow](http://www.bartleby.com/102/59.html) theme of the thread): _Under the spreading chestnut tree The village smithy stands. The muscles in his scrawny arms Are strong as rubber bands._ ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/14 "2012-10-26T16:32:09Z")
My father didn’t give a lot of advice, but I do remember him saying: You will get hemorrhoids if you sit on cold concrete. I don’t know how he arrived at this. When talking about her young daughter forgetting things, the neighbor would say: She would forget her head if it wasn’t fastened on. ---
**Author:** ![TheBori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ee7513/32.png) [@TheBori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBori)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/15 "2012-10-26T16:48:39Z")
After finding the object of her search sitting in plain sight, my mother would exclaim " If it had teeth, it would’ve bit me!" I find myself saying the same damn thing…I truly am turing into my parents. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/16 "2012-10-26T16:51:12Z")
> [@TheBori](#): > > After finding the object of her search sitting in plain sight, my mother would exclaim " If it had teeth, it would’ve bit me!" The variation I heard from my parents was “If it was a snake, it would have bit me.” ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/17 "2012-10-26T18:36:22Z")
‘‘I see,’’ said the blind man. ‘‘I hear,’’ said the deaf man. And the man with no legs kicked them both out And the man that was bald had a hairy. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/18 "2012-10-26T18:47:06Z")
From my childhood in the 1950’s: > [@prettydorky](#): > > My dad had: > _There’s a soldier in the grass > with a bullet in his ass > get it out, get it out > like a good boy scout_ To the tune of “Reville.” My mother did the last line as “Don’t you know that it hurts” > [@Dendarii\_Dame](#): > > “You’re a poet and don’t know it, but your feet show it. They’re Longfellows.” Another one of Mom’s favorites. She also used to love telling me the “Rectum, hell. It killed him!” joke. Not my parents, and not from my childhood, but I have to comment: > [@phxjcc](#): > > Could eat watermelon through a picket fence. > (Bad teeth) David Niven once said that (British actor) Terry Thomas “looks like he can eat an apple through a tennis racket.” First time I heard this I laughed so hard I nearly soiled my armor. . ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/19 "2012-10-26T19:12:46Z")
My mother used to sing a song I can only remember part of: \* Oh we bathed his head with glue Just to see what it would do. But 'twas then we seen Our efforts was in vain. Like a dream he passed away On the 41st of May And we never saw our blue-haired boy again.\* At dinner, my mother would ask “Do you wanna roll?” If you replied yes, she’d say, “Then get down on the floor and start.” After dinner, my dad would ask, “Are you done eating?” If you replied yes, he’d say, “Then knock your teeth out.” Yes, dinner at our house was a barrel of laughs. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Satchmo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/satchmo/32/4223_2.png) [@Satchmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satchmo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906/20 "2012-10-26T19:41:50Z")
Two from my Grandfather: \*You can’t make anything clean without making something else dirty, but you CAN make EVERYTHING dirty. Don’t save your best pitcher for tomorrow, it might rain tomorrow.\* [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-our-parents-told-us/638906.md?page=2)