# Funny Things Said During Sex **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 23, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676 "2009-01-23T18:25:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Justin\_Credible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Justin\_Credible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Credible)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/41 "2009-01-25T01:31:20Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Well, I never measured, but he was approximately 3"-3.5" completely hard. Oh. Whew. ---
**Author:** ![aerodave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f08c70/32.png) [@aerodave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aerodave)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/42 "2009-01-25T03:01:12Z")
I think I’ve told this story before, but here goes… My wife and I were getting busy, and I must have moved in a manner that she didn’t care for. Or maybe I touched something unexpectedly. Or maybe I paused for a moment to catch my breath. Honestly, neither one of use remembers what it was exactly. But whatever it was, it caused her to ask, mid-intercourse, “What are you doing?” I was caught off guard by the question, but I felt that it needed a response. So I replied with some confusion, “Uhh…having sex with you?” The ensuing laughter didn’t kill the mood…it may have actually helped. And we still occasionally joke about that. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/43 "2009-01-25T03:27:00Z")
**aerodave** : Pretty sure you’ve told that before, unless I’ve heard it elsewhere online (I mean, it sounds like the kind of conversation you’d expect to have happened at least twice by now) No such funny stories of my own (well, one girl asked me if I was “a freaking vampire or something” when I was nibbling on her neck), but a few funny stories involving people I know or know online. One such story where a girl, in the heat of the moment, ordered her boyfriend to “Warp speed, Captain Kirk!” which, tragically, killed the mood due to the guy’s ensuing laughter. ---
**Author:** ![Fiddle\_Peghead](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddle_peghead/32/3506_2.png) [@Fiddle\_Peghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiddle_Peghead)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/44 "2009-01-25T04:00:55Z")
Maybe not during sex, but a girlfriend of mine once asked, “do you smoke after sex?” I replied, “I don’t know, I never checked.” ---
**Author:** ![Cuckoorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Cuckoorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cuckoorex)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/45 "2009-01-25T04:08:28Z")
One-night stand, foreplay has been awesome and it’s time to move on to intercourse, I’m all set, and she says, “In the ass would be OK, too.” 4 full seconds of silence. Me: “Yes…yes it would.” ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/46 "2009-01-25T04:58:44Z")
> [@Dreamy\_B](#): > > From the roommates side of the house…Hi Ho Silver, Away! We pretended to do this once, does that count? My boyfriend at the time and I were in the bedroom of my apartment, which had really thin walls. I don’t remember what we were doing, but I remember we were fully dressed. Anyway, we heard people talking through the wall–our neighbors clearly had several people over and were hanging around talking. So we started banging the headboard against the wall and making loud sex noises. We heard them saying “oh my god! shhh! do you hear that?” kind of stuff and laughing, so we did it more. Then one of us, I don’t remember which, yelled “Hi Ho, Silver!” at which point we pretty much fell over laughing and couldn’t go on any more. Those neighbors accessed their apartment from stairs on the opposite side of the building, so I never even knew what they looked like, so I didn’t have to be embarrassed later 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mudshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Mudshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mudshark)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/47 "2009-01-25T09:21:15Z")
Once while having sex on my brother’s bed, we ended up on the floor and my girlfriend asked me what was up with all the socks under my brother’s bed. Without even stopping I replied “Oh those are his cumrags”. Didn’t even stop us at all. Another time we were in her parent’s room when they came home I said “Does that mean we have to stop?” ---
**Author:** ![Indian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@Indian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indian)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/48 "2009-01-25T09:38:43Z")
> [@chromaticity](#): > > Nice! > The weirdest thing said to me was, “Ooh, I will have babys with that one!”, stopped me in my tracks, that did. > > The funniest thing I said was(apparently), “Was that an earthquake?” > Turns out that it was, so I guess I am not so good.. Well, This is similar to a line from " [for whom the bell tolls "](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_whom_the_bell_tolls), when pilar asks maria ( who earlier slept with jordan) " did the earth move ?" Life imitating art ?? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/49 "2009-01-25T09:52:36Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Well, I never measured, but he was approximately 3"-3.5" completely hard. When he was soft it retracted completely so when he wasn’t aroused it looked as though he had no penis at all, only testicles. He did pretty well with what he had and learned how to do other things to make up for his lack of size but it was by far the smallest penis I’ve ever seen. He wasn’t bad in bed but he would have benefitted from an additional couple of inches, to be sure. > > My current boyfriend thinks it is funny when I tell him what an enormous cock he has (probably 8" or so) because he doesn’t see where I could think that was very large. He would have a better idea if I explained all this to him but somehow I don’t think he wants to hear about my ex and his tiny, tiny penis. I’m sure it would be better than hearing about your ex and his huge, huge penis. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Dreamy\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@Dreamy\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dreamy_B)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/50 "2009-01-25T12:39:42Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > I’m sure it would be better than hearing about your ex and his huge, huge penis. 😛 Or your ex-penis… Not saying you had one or anything but if you did, I can certainly guarantee he probably wouldn’t want to hear about it. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/51 "2009-01-25T12:56:30Z")
> [@Dreamy\_B](#): > > Or your ex-penis… Or your ex-big penis. Now, your X(tra)-big… yaknow, I think we’re done here. ---
**Author:** ![DadWagonDriver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/edb3f5/32.png) [@DadWagonDriver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DadWagonDriver)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/52 "2009-01-25T16:31:53Z")
“What is Excalibur?” Said by my now-wife when we first started dating. Unfortunately, she was not referring to my wang; Jeopardy was on in the background, and the answer was something like, “King Arthur’s sword.” ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/53 "2009-01-25T16:37:48Z")
> [@wmulax93](#): > > “What is Excalibur?” > > Said by my now-wife when we first started dating. > > Unfortunately, she was not referring to my wang; Jeopardy was on in the background, and the answer was something like, “King Arthur’s sword.” :D:D:D:D:D I don’t know how she was able to focus on both sex and jeopardy, but she is obviously a talented woman to be able to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/54 "2009-01-25T16:46:45Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > :D:D:D:D:D > > I don’t know how she was able to focus on both sex and jeopardy, but she is obviously a talented woman to be able to do so. I used to do Calculus homework in my head if I wasn’t being properly stimulated. Yup, true story. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/55 "2009-01-25T17:25:54Z")
Two from my husband, from the early days of dating. You can work out the context yourselves, I’m sure. “Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!” Of course, that gave me the opportunity to respond “That trick _never_ works.” Another time, having previously established that I’d seen “The Great Race”, he finished with “Let’s see the Great Leaslie try _that_ one.” ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/56 "2009-01-25T17:30:36Z")
Said to me after sex: “Do you have a web page?” Context: this was back in the early 90’s when tech hobbyists were starting to create their own web pages. I guess this gal thought it was as good a time as any to get some tech support. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/57 "2009-01-25T19:43:58Z")
I have to dredge up my favorite sex-related story for the purposes of this thread. I read this from some online friend years ago. [QUOTE=me, a long time ago] But the funniest, best “awkward hitting-on” experience I have ever heard was the story of a girl I met, who swears that during the first semester of college she invited a socially awkward guy friend of hers up to her house, and made the mistake of watching a movie with him. When she glanced from the television screen over to her friend, she found him with his pants unzipped and his junk all exposed. He looked at her with utter seriousness and asked the immortal question… “Would you like to touch Mr. Pickle?” [/QUOTE] Also while searching through my old posts I found this line by my husband: ‘‘I move that your pants be stricken from the record.’’ ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/58 "2009-01-25T20:10:12Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Also while searching through my old posts I found this line by my husband: > > ‘‘I move that your pants be stricken from the record.’’ Oh man… now I want to use that line! ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/59 "2009-01-25T20:33:09Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I have to dredge up my favorite sex-related story for the purposes of this thread. I read this from some online friend years ago. > > Also while searching through my old posts I found this line by my husband: > > ‘‘I move that your pants be stricken from the record.’’ I want to go to law school just so I can use that line.😃 ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2009, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676/60 "2009-01-25T21:37:19Z")
Dammit, I could have used that line with my lawyer ex-boyfriend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-said-during-sex/482676.md?page=4)