# Funny things you've heard people say. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2000, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215 "2000-06-22T18:25:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/41 "2000-06-25T05:29:33Z")
My mother was chatting with her mother-in-law one day while getting ready for a family holiday. Mom mentions something about dad, and out of the blue gramma said, “You know, all mothers want their sons to marry someone who’s good for them. In my case, both of my sons got what they deserved.” ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/42 "2000-06-25T05:50:15Z")
“Hey! HEY! _ **HEY!!!** _ Get **off** my **leg**!” ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/43 "2000-06-25T05:59:28Z")
When I was working HelpDesk, a co-worker of mine was telling a customer how to change his proxy server address. She told him to change it to" \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.cum. I mean, .com…" She turned to the most interesting shade of red…We never let her live it down, either. ---
**Author:** ![mblackwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@mblackwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mblackwell)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/44 "2000-06-25T07:23:11Z")
I’d rather have a bottle infront of me than a frontal lobotomy. ---
**Author:** ![cblackhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecc23a/32.png) [@cblackhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cblackhand)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/45 "2000-06-25T15:03:06Z")
One of my all time favorites was at a friends party in high school. It was about 4 am and everyone that was still there was asleep except myself and one other friend. All of a sudden Justin sat up across the room and said, “If I ever catch you using C-4 on a weekday again…” He then lay back down and was promptly snoring away. No one believed the two of us that it happened. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/46 "2026-01-10T15:44:35Z")
Well, bringing a zombie to life. My Wife and I bought a new house. In the wet bar downstairs, there is a big ass mirror. It’s just sort of strange. It’s 4’ X 7’. It’s just in an odd place. I mean, WTF? So, to remedy this I bought a bunch of dry erase markers. This is now a canvas. But what we do is write down silly things we hear each other saying. We call it the ‘Big Board’ (Seinfeld reference) – I’ve got to put that on the big board. Kind of non sequiturs. Sometimes my wife will be thinking about something and bring me into her conversation to herself. Into the middle of the conversation. She’s half way there, and I have no idea what she is talking about. For instance – From my Wife - “You had to hear what was going on in my head, it was pretty funny” - “Ya know, I was thinking, and then I thought ‘What Ever’” - Playing darts – “The only reason you are doing that good is because I’m doing that bad” - “I think I’m ready to start thinking now” This stuff just cracks me up. Love her I do. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/47 "2026-01-10T15:55:17Z")
I swear I’m not stalking you, but we do something similar on a chalkboard where we make acronyms out of phrases one of has uttered and then use them in sentences. There’s a big ass blue jay on the deck has turned in to we have a BABJA at 12 o’clock. Sometimes we forget and say the. In front of other people. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/48 "2026-01-10T16:01:01Z")
No worries at all. We also do movie quotes. We nick name our dogs. “Big Guy” is one “Sweet Pea” is the other. (Jax and Lani). We know what we are talking about. I’ll say “Could be worse” My wifes automatic response is “Could be raining” Another movie quote - “It’s wonderful when you realize that you can still surprise yourself” ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/49 "2026-01-10T16:02:47Z")
We use “in the parlance of our times” from the Big Lebowski. One person will suggest something, the other might say “that’s a dumb idea,” wait a bit and then say “in the parlance of our times.” And from Bad Santa: wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. The other person: ok ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/50 "2026-01-10T16:17:03Z")
My boss told me this story. When they were in Boston years ago with their two young kids, they decided to eat in an Italian restaurant, a little hole in the wall, rumored to have mob ties. Her kid was making a bit of a racket and some guy also eating there complained to the waiter. The manager comes out, looks at the guy and says, “What, you got a problem with the fuckin’ baby? This is a family fuckin’ restaurant, get the fuck out of here!” It might be the most Italian story I’ve ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/51 "2026-01-10T17:19:48Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > there is a big ass mirror Is that a mirror for people with big asses, or a mirror that makes asses look big ? ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/52 "2026-01-10T17:31:38Z")
Heh, very large. The previous owners where so uninventive, that they couldn’t put up a piece of art or something. Or just leave it alone. No reason for the mirror unless you wanted to see yourself get a beer out of the mini fridge. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/53 "2026-01-10T18:28:51Z")
Maybe to make the room look bigger? I wouldn’t find a mirror out of place near a bar. ---
**Author:** ![Jaycat.again](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat.again/32/11525_2.png) [@Jaycat.again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaycat.again)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2026, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/54 "2026-01-10T22:52:59Z")
Debarking from a paddle wheel boat ride in New Orleans. One gal says to the other: “They have a kaleidoscope and everything.” (She meant calliope). Two old guys on a park bench: “They got so many golf courses in Phoenix, Arizona, you could play a different one every day and never repeat.” ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/55 "2026-01-11T13:41:15Z")
The room certainly doesn’t need to look bigger. The wet bar area is already bigger than many kitchens. Has the sink of course, an L shaped counter with stools, built in microwave and refrigerator. It’s basically a floor to ceiling mirror. Just makes me go ‘Huh, that’s… interesting?’ So I bought the white board markers to give the mirror purpose. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/56 "2026-01-11T13:52:31Z")
I was walking in to Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, one of the seven wonders of the world, and an American behind me said to his friend, “my neighbor builds stuff like this.” ---
**Author:** ![griffin1977](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@griffin1977](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/griffin1977)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/57 "2026-01-11T14:03:19Z")
On a bus in San Francisco (mid morning weekday, not after closing time or anything, cos San Francisco), two guys about to start a fist fight. In the process of exchanging “fightin’ words” one of them says to the other “Don’t call me bro. My daddy’s shoes were never under your momma’s bed!” ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmer_j.fudd/32/1211_2.png) [@Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_J.Fudd)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/58 "2026-01-11T16:51:06Z")
When I was volunteering as a technician at the now defunct Museum of Pinball, I was working on an unfamiliar imported machine with one of two visiting techs from Australia. The programming sequences (“push this button three times and hold this one down for five seconds, yadda, yadda”) were really non intuitive so Chris called over his countryman, Pat for advice. Pat then rattled off the directions in an accent so heavily accented I didn’t catch a single word. When Pat left, Chris turned to me and said, “Pat needs subtitles, doesn’t he?”. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/59 "2026-01-11T21:21:25Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > Well, bringing a zombie to life. I think I recognized two names of posters up there. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215/60 "2026-01-11T22:06:02Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > For instance – From my Wife > > - “You had to hear what was going on in my head, it was pretty funny” > - “Ya know, I was thinking, and then I thought ‘What Ever’” > - Playing darts – “The only reason you are doing that good is because I’m doing that bad” > - “I think I’m ready to start thinking now” > > This stuff just cracks me up. Love her I do. My husband and I like to antagonize each other and get a kick out of it. One night shortly after my 40th birthday we were brushing our teeth and he chastised me. “I mean you’re halfway to 80, you should know better…” I frequently remind him that he is a courageous man. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-things-youve-heard-people-say/23215.md?page=4)